It’s been a few days since I’ve written.  There’s so many reasons for the lack of writing.  Where would I even begin to try to explain? But perhaps in the end I’m just burned out, after all it’s nothing for me to spend 2 and 3 hours a night writing. I’ve done this for about 4 years.  Sometimes you just need a break.

But I have excuses!  Honest!!

Excuse 1:  The first excuse will be I’ve been busy. It’s true, I have.  I believe the last time I wrote was Thursday night.  Friday night I had a ton of things to do to get ready for Susie’s baby shower on Saturday afternoon.  Amy who was giving the shower asked me to be there by 10:30am, and I had to cook the meatballs, and get stuff ready to take the night before.  Plus, this really cool tin-punched light Jane and I found on line that I ordered arrived after waiting for it for 2 weeks.  It replaced one of my mom’s formal lights and had to be hung from the ceiling.  Dell needed help so between hanging the light and getting food ready for the shower………….well, no writing. 

Then Saturday night we didn’t get home from the city till after 11:00pm, and Skylar was with us.  “Mee maw, can I go stay at your house?” She had asked after the baby shower.  Far be it from me to say no!   So late as it was,  I had to get her bed ready, tuck her in, and was SO tired I fell into my own bed.

 Sunday Chad and Amy came early to get Skylar and hang out for the day.  Amy and I got lost in a movie about the “Jackson 5.”  I don’t know what Chad and Dell did, other than hang a new ceiling fan in the foyer, replacing yet another one of my mom’s formal lighting, and then both of them disappearing to go watch football or something.  By the time the “Jackson 5” movie was over it was almost 8:00pm  and we had to go get dinner!  When I got home I had all intentions of writing, but another “Nostradamus” show was on the History Channel, and well, I am very intrigued with his story.  So this was a lot of my reason for not writing.

Excuse 2:  Last week was “Armageddon Week” on the History Channel, so I found myself planted in front of the TV watching…………………

Excuse 3:  To be honest, I’m struggling.  I didn’t think it’d be this hard, but honestly it is. I use to write because of Soul Mate.  I could write him and include him in all parts of my life. Now I am struggling with it. Between still feeling this connection with him and yet not wanting to interfere in his life anymore since he is a newlywed.  It’s SO hard!!!  I supposed most would say that I am married too…………and I never felt guilt about sharing my life with him, but it still feels different.  Yet my heart still remains so drawn to this man.  Not in the ways of romance anymore, as I find that those dreams have quickly been replaced by this feeling of he must live his life as I must live mine……………..and yet this connection of he and I still feels so alive.  Like 2 souls that have always been and always will be but we had certain lives we chose when we came here…………….but we can’t forget, never can we forget. Oh, it’s so complicated!  I’m not sure words could even describe what I feel and know from within my heart.

So I run from it all right now.  Don’t write!  This is the place we meet. “I can’t come see you tonight.”  I sometimes whisper to him.  I can’t………….I can’t!!  Things have changed……………..so I run.  But I don’t run far because I can’t.  Because I know that I still have to let him know I am here.  So I can’t run too far because I just can’t.  It’s a journey back to the light………

There’s so many things I want to tell him, but the only form of communication we have is this journal.  Where anyone can read and many do.  How can I tell him those things I so want to tell him?  Things I think he needs to understand.  I can’t.  Perhaps he’s not meant to know these things or he  would, right?  Still, I want him to know those private things I write him in those private journals.  I still believe it is he here reading.  If it’s not he, then I can’t imagine who……………..perhaps I will write him a note tonight and ask him again to tell me.

And I ramble. ……………the deepest parts of my heart I thought were completely healed until I began to write.  In this place I simply close my eyes, let my fingers do the work and my heart opened up to that which I deny as the days go on.

I am tired of feeling tired and listless and the doldrums of winter haunting me, and this fibromyalgia thing hurting all the time.  I am SO tired of it I decided that today was the day!  I went back to the pool and began working out again.  And you know, even tho I am tired tonight I feel SO much better!  This is my latest goal and focus…………..lose the weight!  Work out!!  Take control, again.  Even in the doldrums of winter with a husband that is so depressed and feels so rotten most of the time…………………….I’d like to help him, but we really can’t help anyone.  Sometimes tho it feels so gloomy here.  Still, I do respect him for the person he is. Honest, I do.  But I have to take control of me and this is what I did today!  The first step, right?

At least work is going well.  Jane was gone a week.  My boss discovered I was right all along, we DO need her in that office.  She called her back today.  She’ll be back next week until the end of March.  With her gone, I have had a ton of things thrown on me the last week.  My boss and I continue to work very well together, even if we do go so fast you wonder why you do it.  Is it called going through the motions?

Her (my boss) life is so much more beautiful these days. Her twin soul continues to call, ALL the time.  He even called her today at work.  Her face lights up.  I thought about my own twin soul and what my face would probably look like if he suddenly rang my cell phone up, but I remembered I can’t think this way………………..HEALING, remember?  But for a moment I did think of it.  When she came out she was all giggles.  But she also is remaining very “distant” with him, if that’s the right word.  She’s not all about him as she once was.  Well, you wouldn’t know she was anyway, now when she hangs up, I see the other side, but he doesn’t know that, and it’s best we keep it “our” secret.  Perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder?  That’s why he is the way he is again as he has worked his way back into her life?  Oh these stories of twin souls!  Sometimes I just don’t know what to make of a lot of them.

The weather is predicted to be middle of winter frigid temps, high winds, and snow over the next few days.  I just don’t know how to face the darkest of winter days sometimes.  I used to have warm “soul mate” thoughts to get me through…………….but now, those are fleeting thoughts, or at least need to be! So I will turn my thoughts to heaven.  Literally!  To Jesus, and this incredible love and light He pours on my life every day!  Yes! Surely those thoughts of perfect love and light will bring me through……………….

And with that, I am sort of caught up.  It is after all the middle of winter and how inspired can one really feel this time of year?  But I’ll try, I promise, I won’t lose my way, the way of love and light……………………….

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I’ve never asked you for anything, but I am asking you tonight to please let me know if it is you.  You know the code between us that I will know and you will know.  After all this time, couldn’t you please, let me know?  Are we not equal now, on the same level?  Yes.  We are.  Please.  Don’t worry…………..my heart, my prayers remain often turned towards you, without expectation and without promises…………………..just that it is.  I still send you love and light everyday and always well.  One more time I will ask………….please.  Thanks-  Love, Sunshine