I’m just in from the hot tub on what is going to be the coldest night of the year, thus far, and a day that ended with probably 4-5” of snow.  I needed it tho!  So much I needed to sit and soak away a couple days of so many things.

I was off yesterday.  I had a follow-up doctor appointment from my ear infection (2 plagues ago) back in December of which my doctor wanted me to get blood work done and see me in 6 weeks.  I was going to mention the fibromyalgia back then but since he was treating the sinus infection, ear infection, I decided not to bug him about it.  I keep trying to convince myself I can just get over this with positive thinking.  I didn’t think it’d get worst.  So we go over my blood work, I tell him of the plague I had over Christmas, then patted myself on the back I didn’t bug him for drugs.  He sort of laughed and said I probably should have called.  “Yeah, but look at me now doc!  I’m all better!!!”  “BUT………………remember this fibromyalgia thing you diagnosed me with a few years ago? Well, it’s come back with a VENGANCE!”  With that I began to tell him what was going on.  He began to ask all sorts of questions.  Then he examined me.  He became concerned at this point and my doc hardly ever becomes concerned!  “You have some real inflammation in your silly-sack. (No not the real word, it’s whatever is at the base of your spine, I think it sounds like silly-sak.)  He orders blood work for me, explaining that with the normal blood work you don’t test for the things he is needing to test for.  “I want you to go across the hall NOW and get this done!”  “Okay, what’s up?”  “I need to test some things, when you’re finished with that I want you down in x-ray!  I want to see some pictures of what’s going on in you “sacroiliac joint .”   Not only that, he insisted I begin physical therapy!  So my follow-up doctor appointment ended in a near almost all-day visit!!  But I was good, I followed his advice to the “T!”

I have another follow up in 4-weeks.  I figured all was well.  Until this morning. I got a call from his office and they found something on the x-ray they are concerned about. Of course no one wants to tell me what it means or could mean, only that they want me to come back next week and do a comparison x-ray!  “Is this something I should be concerned about?” I asked her.  “Well, that’s why we want another x-ray. We want to rule out a minor possibility before we get overly concerned.”  “But what could it be?” I asked her.  Of course she isn’t going to divulge any more information!  “I’ll put your orders in the mail today so you can come in next week.”  And that was that.

I hung up the phone not sure how I felt.  A part of me wanted to cry, another part of me decided it was time to fight the good fight of faith. Isn’t it amazing how our minds work?  The first pictures that went through my head were instant fear!  OMG! What if I am going to be sentenced to a wheel chair?  What if it is more sinister than that even?  As I my thoughts wandered to the worst possible scenarios, I felt God call me back……………..It was then that I chuckled to myself for being so fearful and convinced myself that the faith side needed to win this one!  Tonight the faith thing continues to stand.  Tho I will admit it sort of “haunts” me, what they could possibly be talking about!  I’ve decided I WON’T look this stuff up on the internet because I am SURE there would be all sorts of doom and gloom things to not help me fight the good fight of faith!  They don’t call it a fight for nothing!  I need to be careful what I fill my mind with at the moment because faith needs to be fed things of light and good and healing thoughts!

I think I need to go back to Elizabeth’s attitude, “If you don’t go, then no one will ever find whatever it is they want to find when they start looking.”  Normally I’d laugh and agree, but I’m in the midst of a fight of faith!

The good news was there are a couple women within the clinic I go to that I love to talk to!  They both know I’m a writer. One wants to tell me her life story and hopes I will write the book of her life, telling me she has enough for a great movie! And the other just so glad to see me because we were so comfortable with one another from the first day she got her job there.  “I’m SO, SO happy to see you!!!”  She said when I went in.  She lost her mother in November and told me of how hard it’s been. If anyone understands, I do!  So in the end I left the clinic feeling as if God has sent me there for bigger purposes than my health!  Some things are much more important!  Like SOUL health!

Work flew by after my phone call from the clinic, but these days as my boss continues to try to give me 40 hours with the 20 I am there, well, it’s a challenge!  I find myself praying often,  “Okay Lord, wisdom please.”  It seems to work.

After starting physical therapy yesterday, my new therapist congratulated me for the wise decision to go back to the pool!  Somehow I got very inspired and know I must do this now. After work I took off for the health club, the one I’ve been a member of now for over 3 years.  She told me I do need to work into it slowly so a half-hour seemed okay for today.  As I was beginning my work out I hear the door slam on the sauna, and I then hear my name. I turn around as I am power walking and what did my eyes behold?  It was Messenger Mike!  I keep running into him, which to me is an amazing thing considering I never see SO many people in my fairly-large city.  “How are you?!” I say to him…………..he’s SO happy to see me!

Messenger Mike is the one that met what he called his “soul mate” about the same time I met mine.  We did business together at the school, and while he was there for special training or whatever he was there for so very long ago now, somehow we began to talk. It was the beginning of a comparison journey for both of us as we tried to sort out what was happening to each of us.  That day we both talked about the different paths we needed to take.  He took one, I took another and amazingly enough over the past almost 8 years now, we continued to see one another or “coincidently” run into one another.  His path was the “I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!”  Mine wasn’t near as sure. Oh, I held as many feelings for my soul mate as he did his, but I guess after so many huge mistakes in life I was choosing a path of prayer and trusting things meant to be, would, no matter what I did. Now MM (messenger Mike) he was going to make it happen!  And he did. He left his wife, 3 kids,  and went to be with her.  After the first year he was in paradise.  Me? I was still trusting and trying to figure it out.  The 2^nd year we met to compare notes, it was still the greatest he assured me, and for me I was finding more about me than I ever thought possible.  He was living the dream, and I was still trying to find the greater meaning of it all.  It was then the 3^rd year.  By now the newness for him has worn off and he’s beginning to wonder what stupid mistake he had made!  And me? I was growing so close to God and soul mate and I seemed to be finding one another in a new and different sort of way.  I had come to believe I needed to allow it to play out the way the universe had it planned,  and when he and I would be brought back together, I wouldn’t be taking a whole lot of baggage to him. I’d be whole and healed within myself so that he found his twin soul spiritually where she needed to be.  When I shared this part of my journey with MM, who was grieving over his mistakes, he seemed so envious and I believe he cried that day.

And the years went on.  There came a time he absolutely couldn’t stand the one he had thought to be his soul mate!  It was tarnished and all the baggage never healed from the first marriage haunted him. He was sad and desperate.  And I was now closer to God than ever.  I promised I’d pray for him.

Finally a few years ago I went to church. My old church of 10 years I had stopped attending for different reasons, and whom should I see?  Yes, Messenger Mike!  He had found the Lord and was truly turning his life over!

We ran into one another from time to time, but today was the time we got to compare our paths once again.  The first thing I noticed was his shiny wedding band.  “Hey did you get married?”  “Yeah, I did, it was the right thing to do.”  He told me.  “Did you marry your soul mate?” I asked him.  “Yeah, I did.”  He said.  But there was no enthusiasm that I could see.  “And how are you Sunshine?  How is it going for you?”  So I tell him my update.  “I think he still comes and reads my journal, it’s been our way of touching for so long now I’m not sure either of us wants to give it up.” I tell him.  “I just found out tho that I think he might have gotten married.”  MM looked at me,  “Are you okay with that?”  “Yeah, I am.  I honestly believe that I helped him believe in love again.”  Don’t ask me where those words came from, but it’s as if it’s something I know deep within.  “He and I will be together some day, some place, maybe even on the other side of the light when we’re back there, but the truth is he has given me so much and I believe I have given him so much and we never broke the rules.”  He seemed envious in some sort of way.  “That’ beautiful man!”  He said.  “Sunshine, you look so absolutely beautiful.  There’s a glow about you that shines, I see it in your eyes.”  As I stood there in the pool, in my bathing suit (not a pretty site these days I will assure you!)  I felt so humble, and yet I felt the love of God fill me in every way.  “Yeah, I’m doing SO good!  I have such an awesome walk with God, and I’ve learned so much about love.”  “It tells, I see it in you.”

 With that we talked about what God was doing in his life and how much he too had grown.  He  had, I could see the enthusiasm in him too.  He told me not to be too hard on myself, that I was beautiful as ever!  He was going to go do a specific workout then he’d be back and would run in the water. I’d see him then.

After he left I went back over the years in my mind.  The stories we exchanged, the experiences we had.  It was funny, he ended up married to his soul mate, and my soul mate ended up married, just not to me.  He wasn’t what I would describe living in paradise, tho his love for God keeps him filled with a joy only the love of God can!  And I am not living in paradise either, tho my love for God keeps me filled with joy for the most part all the days of my life, so in essence, the different paths took us almost to the same place in the end!  Even if he did marry her, and I didn’t marry him……………we both are finding our ultimate joy in God.  Now that seems SO defining to me!

Wow!  The way the journey of life works sometimes.

And with that I will close.  I find myself extremely tired tonight. I have to work tomorrow because the Lt. Governor of our state will be coming to our office in the morning, a HUGE deal for my boss!  A HUGE deal for the university!  So I will dress in my professional best and work on what is normally my day off.  For no other reason than support for my boss!  And this is love let me tell you!  The temps are supposed to be around 30 below 0 in the morning, but I think I’ll be okay.  Love has a way to make you feel warm and it seems tonight I am feeling an incredible love I might have forgotten. I’m SO glad that God arranged another meeting with Messenger Mike.  There seems to be SO many things I can learn from both of our stories.  Guess Elizabeth and I didn’t give come up with Mike’s  term of endearment, “Messenger Mike” for no reason!  All these years later I see how prophetic that name turned out to be.  Wow.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Running into Messenger Mike today brought back so many memories of this journey since meeting you.  From the beginning I guess I never wanted it to be anything but a love that was free.  So often I put expectations on it when I didn’t mean to.  And so often I became selfish and didn’t see the bigger picture.  Today reminded me that there is a bigger picture and I don’t want to miss out on something so truly beautiful.  So here I am, I remember what it’s about……….and I’m sorry for being cold and blind and weak sometimes.  I send you love and light.  It is what it is and it is good and special. And might I add, I am SO glad you have love in your life. I really couldn’t ask for more.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine