I’ve had the past 4 days off,  I really truly didn’t do much.  I go back to work tomorrow, of which I am really not looking forward to.  Just some stuff that has me a bit down, stuff I won’t discuss here.  God knows my heart………..and I’ll just leave it there with Him and believe that He will go before me to pave the way and I will have extra strength.

My day began by sleeping in.  Again!  When did I get so lazy?  Or is it I’m just in some sort of hibernating time in my life?  I guess 8:30 isn’t too late to sleep, it sure seems to be the perfect time for me to wake up anyway.

So I got up determined to be very focused.  Still.  I turned on the praise/worship music, started laundry, cleaned a little, and decided I’d go to the pool early in the day.  I was feeling pretty fired up by now because honestly, house-cleaning is when I have some of my closest times to God.

My pool workout was phenomenal!  No one was in the pool, and someone had left a “nature” meditative CD in the club CD player.  I was already fired up anyway as I had truly been in a spiritual place when I left home.  Wow!  God had some pretty powerful messages for me as I glided through the water.  It was actually one of those times that I actually felt as if I rose above where I was.  How do I describe that? It’s almost as if I am not where I am, even tho I continue to work out.  Strange, I know.  When I finish writing here, I will do a private journal of those things He spoke to my heart today.

I went and met Dell for lunch then.  Very pumped up, still on a spiritual realm, I was fairly quiet at lunch.  I had planned to go to the health center after lunch and get the 2^nd X-ray done.  Even tho I was feeling very spiritual, I also felt a bit of trepidation since I had just read the orders for the X-ray, which read, “abnormal result!”  I also noticed they weren’t ordering X-rays of my lower-back at all!  They are testing the pelvic/abdomen.  Wait a minute! I thought to myself!  No one said ANYTHING about the abdomen.  I decided again to just let faith take over.

When I got to the clinic everyone was closed for lunch.  Dell had made me promise I’d check on the results from the blood work, so I went from the X-ray department to my doc’s office.  They were all at lunch  except some girl sitting behind the desk.  She promised to get my chart up so they could check it when they got back from lunch.

What to do now?  I had about 40 minutes to wait. I decided to go to my favorite country/craft store and shop for awhile.  The spiritual moments of the morning by now were beginning to fade as life was staring me in the face!  That battle of what the heck is going on and this hardly able to move because I hurt so bad all over feeling! 

I headed back to the clinic, got in X-ray.  “You have to have another slip from your doctor.” I was told by the technician who isn’t what I would call all that friendly. It’s okay, she doesn’t have to be. I often wonder what people have going on in their lives when they tend to be grumpy.   I didn’t give her any grief for making me walk back upstairs,  “Oh, no one told me that part! They just sent me my orders.” I replied.  “NO! You have to have the purple sheet!”  “Okay, I’ll be back!” I said with a smile. I remembered her from last week when I had the first set of X-rays done.  I had tried to get her to smile and joke to no avail. 

Up I went to my doc’s office, where the staff is friendly, caring and kind. I handed my orders mailed to me to the receptionist, a girl who happened to graduate with Amy, and knew me from the school.  Then my favorite nurse came out,  “Hiya sweety!  How you doing?”  I asked about my results of the blood work.  Another nurse came over and began telling me.  “Dr. M would like for you to see a specialist.  Your blood work is showing a lot of inflammation, and you need to see an Arthritis specialist.  We will make all the necessary arrangements.”  “What does this mean?”  The nurse I feel so close with began to tell me she had rheumatoid arthritis and had since she was 21. (She’s now about 38.)  “But we don’t’ want it to hit your hands!  You’re a writer!!”  By now all the fear of the abnormal X-ray, and to have something wrong when I don’t believe in ailments to begin with has caught up with me!  I have 3 people talking at me at once, only trying to make me feel better, and I break down crying!  I swear I am such a baby!! As the tears flow, my fav nurse says, “Do I have to come out there and give you a hug?”  I choke out the words, “It’s just that I am such a positive person, I can’t believe this is happening!”  The receptionist says, “I know you’re positive! You always were in school, and Amy’s the same way!”  I chuckled through tears, “I am! If you ever come in my house you will find pictures everywhere with positive quotes and thoughts!”  I then tell the nurse who was explaining to me about arthritis, how the X-ray came back abnormal, and how I have waited a week to get the next one done and how I just don’t understand what it all means.  She immediately went back and talked to the doctor.  When she came back she said,  “They are looking at your kidney, bladder and pelvic.  There’s a spot they’re trying to figure out what it is, and want to see if it’s still there this week.”  Okay………………..like that makes me feel better! I had the X-ray because he wanted to check my sacrolliac joint, which is basically the lower back! Now we are into organs?????????????? WTH?  By now I had myself together.  I had to head to X-ray.

When I got there the technician was waiting for me.  She seemed a bit softer, so perhaps praying for her did help.  As she was taking me back I said to her,  “You know this is kind of scary!  To get a report of “abnormal.”  Normally I have X-rays and you never hear anything, so this is sort of not good, huh?”  She was really  soft now, as if she realized I was scared.  “Oh, it happens sometimes.”  She said.  This time she didn’t bother to X-ray the back, it was strictly abdomen!  Only one picture, so it was quite obvious they knew what they were looking for.

“Don’t move, I’ll go make sure it developed,” she said.

As I laid on the hard, and cold table with the X-ray above me I decided this,  “If she comes back and says everything is okay, it means she doesn’t see anything.  But if she comes back and needs another picture, then you have cause to be concerned.”  That was the deal I made with myself for peace of mind, obviously believing she’d come back and release me.  But she didn’t. *sad face*  “I’m sorry, I didn’t get low enough on your bladder, I have to do one more shot.  When I’m done, I promise I will get these to Dr. M right away, and they’ll give you a call tomorrow.”  And with that she goes around the wall to take the next photo.  OKAY!  Now I’m REALLY suspicious!  I mean come on!  She missed something in the first X-ray?  And then to promise my doctor would get them right away and call me tomorrow?  If there’s nothing to see………..why’s he going to call me and how does SHE know he’ll call?  Oh yeah!  I just went from a bump to a lump to a stump!!!! (Think about that and you’ll get it.)

I was good tho, I didn’t cry.  Oh, there was a well of tears just underneath the surface waiting to break open the gates and sob, but not there!  No, not there.

I got dressed, headed to the car.  Tears still waiting to come.  Pete and Lilly waiting for me in the car, I get in.  My cell phone rings, it’s Dell. He’s calling all concerned, wanting to know if I checked on my blood work. Guess the damn wall just opened! It all came out………………. All this fear, all these unknowns!  No one wants to give me straight answers really about these STUIPD X-rays!   And on top of that I have to see a specialist!  I’m pouring it all out on Dell, but then I think about what I am doing! I am GIVING IN TO FEAR and I am NOT standing in faith!

*Quick attitude adjustment* I tell him there is NO way I am going to give into arthritis!  NO, NO way!  I will work out in the pool, and get in better shape than I ever have!  And as far as the other, these X-ray things, well, I am just being paranoid!  There is a plan for my life and God keeps assuring me that all will be well!  And I believe what I hear!

By now I am laughing at my silliness of being afraid of unknowns! You know, one of those face all red, wet with tears as I am laughing! Silly me!  Faith knows no fear, right?

I drive home…………deciding how I will beat this!  And also knowing that sometimes in our lives we have major battles to deal with.  But if God leads me to it, He will bring me through it! And everything I experience only allows me to have compassion for others that may go through these things in the future too.  How can I truly understand if I have not experienced days as today?

I make dinner. I vacuum the house. I talk to God and thank Him that no matter what I will never be alone as He is always next to me filling me with the wisdom and faith to face tomorrow.  Whatever it may bring.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I’m not sure there’s a lot to be said tonight other than……….someone at the restaurant today said, “Hi, I remember you!”  It was one of the waitresses that waited on me in November.  “Awww…..thanks!” I told her, thinking it was sweet for her to acknowledge me.  She then said,  “You must be very special for me to remember you.”  And you know what?  It reminded me of the time you told my friend Jen the same thing.  Perhaps it was some sort of message from above, delivered by this person to remind me that you do think I’m special.  I needed the reminder today.  What a journey it has been, huh?  And would you still say the same?  I send you love and light…………………I will beat this, okay?  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

 This is the ringtone on my cell phone, and what you will hear if you call me.................right now, I am very focused on the words to this song as I find so much life in these words.