Today is Tuesday and today was the day I was supposed to find out about the results from the MRI I had a week ago that everyone in my doctor’s office wanted done RIGHT away!  When I woke up at 9:00am (I was SO tired from the trip from St. Louis), I called my doctor to get the results.  I had to leave a message, so I did, and I waited.

I had a lot of goals for today of which few were met.  Life continues to fly by without the amount of hours I need to accomplish all I want to!  Perhaps it’s the medical stuff happening right now that requires more time, and my determination to continue to work out in the pool.

I left home at 11:00am, went to get Dell for lunch, then I went to the pool and worked out, of which I left and then went to my PT (physical therapy) appointment.  I still hadn’t heard from the doctor when I went in, but right away the receptionist met me at the front door because they are in a brand new building and she was directing me where to go.  (Today was their first official day open in their new facility.)  Can we say chaos?  Not the PT department as they are probably the most organized gals I know, but the doctor’s office?  *rolls eyes*   I told the receptionist I had left a message earlier in the day wanting my results.  She told me to stop back by after PT and she’d let me talk to the nurse to my Doctor.

PT was as always relieving.  She is doing the electrode thing on my SI joint (sciatic joint) having now discovered a lot of my problems are coming from there. It’s actually swollen, if you can believe that and quite painful!  FINALLY! Someone found what is ailing me! J  So she does the electrode thing, which helps so much, and she ultra sounds the back of my knee which is painful.  I like working with her and her assistant. They’re both compassionate and encouraging at the same time. I’m very frustrated with whatever is happening with me, tho I continue to claim healing everyday!  I think it was much easier when I simply called all this “fibromyalgia”. 

Then it was back to my doctor’s office to try to get the results of the MRI. I will admit my heart was racing when I went back, and I don’t know why? I really do have a lot of faith that all is well.  The receptionist called back to the nurse, as she was unable to talk to her while I was in my appointment.  “Uh huh,  uh huh…..” I hear her say.  When she hung up the phone she apologized,  “I’m sorry, they haven’t come in yet.”  I told her what Open MRI had said to me,  “But they said you’d have them in 24 hours, and that was a week ago today.”  I didn’t want to be argumentative, but a week later is a long time to fight a fight of faith, or so it felt in this disappointing moment.  “Really?”  She said.  “Yeah, 24 hours, and I hate to be a pain but I’ve waited a week and it’s hard not knowing.”  She went on to tell me that they were having problems with some medical results not being with charts due to the move. Apparently mine came in while they were packing everything up and my results didn’t get put with my charts and well……………………..bottom line?  They’re MISPLACED!  Sure I could have had a tizzy fit, something I’m pretty good at from time to time, and insist they call for another copy, but I didn’t.  Something from within whispered to be still, know He is God, and to walk it out in faith.  “Call us tomorrow and see if we have them then”  was her suggestion.  “Thanks.”   I said in a sweet tone, tho on the inside I felt this huge ball of tears ready to come out.  I walked through the new facility, to my car where a huge snowstorm had begun, my car now covered in freshly fallen snow, and sat there for a moment.  Tears formed, but didn’t fall……………….I just know I’m being taught faith here.  I called Dell to tell him the results were lost, of which he was more ticked off than me.  “It’s okay.” I assure him.  “God is teaching me to look to Him and trust.”

I had had a really pretty special time with Him earlier in the day. (God)  Lately my spiritual times with Him have been so incredible.  While walking in the pool in St. Louis I had this HUGE time with Him as He was revealing to me where to go with, “On The Journey of Faith, The Story.”  (The name of my book) and I suddenly realized I didn’t know what to call Him. Oh I could call Him God, or Jesus, as I happen to believe they are one in the same, BUT, I felt that I really wanted to personalize Him with this relationship I have with Him.  “Do you know I have several names?”  He asked me. So I thought about it.  I knew of Jehovah, Yahweh, El Shaddai, Elohim,  Yahweh Jireh: The Lord provides,  actually there are about 72 names!  I was so not aware of any names but about 5!  As I began my study today to see what name I should name God in the story, one jumped out at me and touched me more than words could say!  “Yahweh Rapha”:  The Lord who heals.    “I like that Lord!” I said as I was feeling it deep within my spirit the specialness of this part of His name.  Yahweh Rapha.  I’m not sure I’ll use it in the book, as I still am very partial to Father God, but for today and all I am going through………………to see His name “Yahweh Rapha”: the Lord who heals was what I needed. It was almost as if He was giving me the name to call Him for now.  I was very touched and fired up!  I did this study before I left this morning, it stayed with me all the day long when I was frustrated, or hurt, or doubting.  Much as I don’t want to, doubt still does creep in.  Such is the human experience here on this earth!

I also continue to find healing in the video of Robart Mirabal’s song, “The Dance.”  (Posted in the last journal below) I found myself a lot going back and watching it today.  I find such strength in it…………………and I do dance!  A dance of faith, and peace even in the midst of tribulation of an unknown what is happening sort of thing.  Amazing that song would come on when I was in a store somewhere in Illinois and it would jump out at me!  I’m telling you! It is beyond AWESOME when God reaches down with His hand of peace to guide me through!  In ways I could have never imagined.

The past few days I’ve once again struggled with staying here, or moving on, and this restless feeling. A part of me SO wants to put the property back on the market.  The trashed out rental continues to sit empty, as I just can’t seem to go in there and put a ton of money in it to rent it out again.  Dell wants to make it his wood shop, of which I am open to.  Unfortunately that costs me money with taxes, insurance, and utilities.  And then there is just me!  I am SO restless and wanting to move, but then I have this fear if I do I am leaving the security of everything I know! 

Personally I sense times are about to get more harsh than what any of us have known………………….and I HATE to live my life that way, but it’s the gnawing feeling I just can’t quite lose no matter how hard I try.  Yes, forecasters say we will see relief by spring, how I pray they are right and I am wrong, but it’s engrained within me.  Provision can be found on my land.  But this restless feeling…………………an incredible restlessness to go somewhere!  But where?  It’s the biggest battle I face right now.  I want to move on so much, and yet……………….a battle Yahweh Rapha (I like that name for now) and I are discussing what I need to do. I always seek Him as He’s right……………He always is right.

On the twin soul front? I am doing good with it.  Sometimes doubt clouds my mind in this area too, as to whether I imagined it all, but then I look at the photos of he and I, and some special things he did in these photos that show he cares, and I know………….it wasn’t my imagination.  I’m just trying to let it be, let it play out the way it might, I send him love and light all the time from here, and I think of him. A lot I think of him.  Once I came to the conclusion he will always be a part of my heart, having found my twin soul in this journey of life, I found peace.  Letting go, holding on, trusting the unexplainable and knowing God’s love brings me through.  Always and forever.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have the results, or so they sort of led me to believe. And if I don’t, then I will trust that one day I will know.  Till then I get to walk it out in faith, trusting Yahweh Rapha, *the God who heals* is in the process of doing just that!   Father God, that name is pretty special to me too.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Thoughts of you and wonder continue to come and go in my heart and soul.  I do the best I can to believe you must be so very happy with your new wife, as I know you wouldn’t have married just anyone!  I wonder about her a lot, but I think that is just human nature.  I once was jealous, but I’m not anymore…………..we love different people for different reasons, a lesson I learned when I faced something that was very painful for me to face.  But then I believe that’s why you and I met up again, to remind me what love is.  Gentle, kind, patient, trusting, peaceful, and long-suffering.  Okay, I believe.  J  I send you love and light.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine