I’ve had another one of those busy non-stop days.  At least it was a good busy non-stop!

I had the appointment with the Rheumatologist bright and early this morning. It meant on my day off I couldn’t sleep in, even tho I so desperately wanted to.  A dream of Soul Mate would come to me last night and I found myself so focused on the dream I just wanted to lay there and think about it, and ponder the deep meaning.  But “I Will Walk By Faith” kept playing, my ringtone that acts as my alarm on my cell phone.  I had to get up and get going.

I wrote last night on how I was wondering if all this stiffness and soreness and the extreme pain in my legs wasn’t some form of spiritual “illness” I suffer in the form of being unable to move on.  For some reason yesterday morning at work this came to mind as I remembered someone once told me they believed whatever ails us spiritually will eventually be manifested in us physically!  It was as if a light bulb went off!  I was curious on what the Rheumatologist would find when I went today.

He did a thorough exam.  He asked me a million questions, typing all the answers onto his laptop computer.  He was quite serious, lacking in bedside manner, which didn’t necessarily bother me. I felt as if he was taking me very serious and I appreciated that.  When he was all through he told me he was certain I don’t have Rheumatoid Arthritis *YAY* he was leaning towards more inflammatory arthritis or we were back to, “FIBROMYALGIA!”  He was actually leaning more to fibromyalgia to be honest, which is where I started from.  The only real concern he had was the MRI result, he wanted to see it as he didn’t think that sounded quite normal.  He also wanted the X-rays done, and he was concerned that my blood levels were as elevated as they were.  In other words, he was quite baffled by a few things.  He wants to spend some time going over the MRI, the X-rays, and he ordered more blood work for me this morning to be done before I left.  He asked me to come back in a month as he wants to get all the info together.  So I made an appointment.

I got the blood work done right away, and headed home.  As I was driving home I HONESTLY began to believe I am suffering more a spiritual illness than physical! I know that probably sounds crazy, but I really am beginning to believe it!  I began to feel a bit more free in the thought!  Really!  Have I been much more fearful than I realized about the future? If I move, if I don’t?  I knew then I needed to make changes!  I still know it tonight.  Or perhaps I suddenly realized I’m not going to die!  LOL, seriously, for about a week there I must have been a little bit frightened, even tho I kept putting my shield of faith up, in the back of my mind it was gnawing at me,  what if? I almost felt as if I was getting a second shot at life or something and realizing perhaps I have been WAY too afraid to make moves one way or another.

So I came home. I worked on my resume, I actually applied for a couple jobs. It doesn’t really feel right, that is the direction I am to go but just for the heck of it, I did!  I was going to begin to look at houses again but Jane was due to pick me up. It was Thursday, “Lunch with Jane day,” only today was to be special.  Jane had a plan and kept it secret wanting to surprise me.  She picked me up and told me not to ask any questions.  I love surprises!

We ended up in Dell’s hometown about 20 miles north of here.  There is an AWESOME craft/country/rustic store. I’d been there in the past, but it’d been several years ago.  I told her about a very unique restaurant in town so we ate there first before going to the unique shop.

In between the restaurant and shop we went by Dell’s mom’s house that was recently sold.  She’s had another stroke and his sister had to finally put her in a nursing home in Colorado where his sister lives. I find this whole story so very sad, and yet, I am not free to say anything. No, not that his sister put his mom in the nursing home, but the way her grandson, whom she had given “power of attorney” to before she became so ill, sold her house.  Long story or which I shall not digress, but it does sort of anger me!  I took Jane by the house today.  It sits empty, and the guy that purchased it for next to NOTHING *irritated voice* has put all new windows in and is in the process of re-siding it. Obviously he bought it for nothing and is flipping it. *grrrrr, but none of my business*  What surprised me was this feeling of sadness that came over me. For all these years I have fought so much of Dell, his family and anything to do with him.  It was never pleasant memories for the most part.  This house is the backyard Dell and I were married in!  I never wanted to think about it EVER! But today as I drove by with Jane, and all these memories came flooding back to me, I began to realize how much this has become a part of who I am in this life. I suddenly missed my mother-in-law *yes, this is a MIRACLE* I missed my kids being young and playing in the backyard. I remembered Christmas’ there, and family gatherings on Dell’s side, and I realized that his mom probably never would make it back to even see her house again. I felt sentimental, I felt sad, I felt regret that I never really appreciated where I was in life for so very long, and yet I felt grateful that in that moment I was truly experiencing forgiveness and learning one of the greatest lessons of my life!  It was so freeing!  And I suddenly realized, I am going to live.

I made comment to Jane, “Wow, I feel something here.”  There was no way I could really tell her all that was going through my mind in the moment……………only that I was beginning to see.  That was when she said,  “Sunshine, there is no doubt how much Dell cares for you.  It is so obvious.”  She was right.  He has always stuck next to me no matter how miserable I was and how much I wanted out.  He just put up with me.  Yet more lessons?

It was then on to the store she had brought me on this road trip for.

It was awesome!  The smell of candles, and all the rustic things.  When I get in stores like this surrounded by things that are rustic and old-looking and worn and homespun, I feel so in my element!  I feel creative!!  Don’t ask me why, I just do. We spent a good hour in there of which I made some purchases. I had seen a hanging chandelier, which would hold REAL candles and fallen in love with it. I could SO see it over my dining room table!  But I wasn’t sure it’d work? I would need to bring Dell back to get his opinion.

And I did!  When he got home from work I asked him to go with me to his hometown,  I had something I wanted him to see and get his opinion on.  He decided he’d like to go to his brother’s gravesite while there in his hometown so he was more than willing to go.  He loved the chandelier and so I ended up buying it.  I will take a photo in the next few days and post it here.  It really is pretty unique and looks great!

This road trip gave Dell and I a chance to talk.  Just a few days ago I had one of my major breakdowns about how I wanted out SO bad! I want to move to the city! I want a new house, I want, I want, I want!!!  He just doesn’t know what to say to me or what to do.  We both agreed, I can’t make decisions and stick to them! I need to make a plan and stick with it!  So today we talked as I explained to him I do believe my “illness” right now is more indicative of a spiritual problem.  He didn’t laugh at me, but listened with intrigue.  I think I got all teary-eyed as I explained it to him.  “What is it you want to do Sunshine?”  Why can’t I answer this?  I have too many answers that contradict the other!  Perhaps this is the beginning of real healing?  Spiritually and the physical will come.

I am beginning to believe I think I have found the answers but I need to quiet my spirit, my soul, my busy lifestyle to accomplish what I see.  But more on that as the days go on as now, it is approaching 11:00pm, I am tired, and I have to work in the morning.

And Jehovah Jira (Our God provides)  is good and it seems to me He is truly getting my attention at the moment as He is teaching me so many things…………………..

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  About the dream, I will try to explain it to you:

Amy knew where I could find you. (I’m not sure why this is but you and Amy have always had this special connection in dreams, including the time she had a dream of you before even meeting you, and called me to tell me you wanted to get a hold of me.)  In the dream she knew where you were and took me to see you.  You were sitting on what looked like bleachers.  You would hardly look at me, and you continue to be really mad at me.  Amy told me that your new wife was expecting and that you weren’t happy about it but that you had to go be with her.  As you left you looked at me, and you were so upset with me.  I tried to let you know it was okay……………but you just walked away.

So as I meditated upon the dream today I knew there was probably no way you would be expecting a baby.  Besides, in dreams to be pregnant represents new beginnings.  What new beginning is happening in your life or your wife’s life that you aren’t happy about but know you must be a part of?  That’s all that came to me.  And why are you still so mad at me?  You are and then you’re not!  I’m still so confused over that? 

And then I stop to think, I don’t even know that it is you here reading?  I don’t know how it couldn’t be as there have been SO many reasons to believe and know it is, not to mention it is known in my heart, but then there is always the chance I am and could be wrong!   So what this dream means could mean so much more than I understand? Or it could just be me working it out or something?  Either way I continue to believe you are here, sitting in the bleachers watching, observing, getting mad sometimes because you can see so clearly………when I can’t.  Or else, I just cast all these incredible thoughts into the universe of you.  So I will do that now as I close my eyes, send you love and light and wish so many good things for you.  Honest, I am not and will not interfere…………………but I think you already know this.  I do wish you so many good things.  Goodnight, Love, Sunshine