It’s a brand new year.  This is the first time I have even written this year.  In only 3 days I feel as if I am facing a brand new world.  In so many ways I am.  Why is it so hard to let go of the past?

So where do I begin why I haven’t written and where my heart is these days? Where do I begin………………………

New Year’s Eve was nice. Very uneventful again, but I think uneventful can be a good thing too.  Did my new transition begin New Year’s Eve?  Yeah, maybe.

I had the most telling what I believe was a message dream.  I pay attention to my dreams. I believe God communicates with me through dreams, and this was one that has totally awakened me that it was time to let go.  It doesn’t matter all the details of the dream, but they remain very clear to me, and a few days later continue to haunt me.  Soul Mate CLEARLY gave me the message it was time to let it go.

When I awakened it was like I had come out of an 8-year trance or something.  I shudder when I remember the words he said to me.  But it was more the cold I felt from him.  I’ve always said on this journey I’d know if I was supposed to let it go. I believe the time has come.

So what about all the personal journals?  Words God told one day would come between he and I?  What about the signs? What about all the synchronicity that has followed me All of my life that led to him one day? What about the memories I believe I have from another place?  Words cannot be found to describe the VERY odd things that pointed to the day I’d meet him. I’ve sought God on all these questions the past few days, and still haven’t received the answers.  So I guess it is supposed to be a journey of faith of which some answers I may never have.  Or at the least for now I won’t have.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I have NO animosity towards this man at all. If anything I continue to be grateful that he was brought into my life, and I am grateful for the wonderful things he did for me for a long time. But he is clearly married now, and I will honor that as he honored me and apparently part of that honor is to not communicate so as not to interfere. It’s taken me a few months, but after this dream,  I get it and I will comply.

So what about my writing?  I still feel the book needs to be written, and it will.  It will be written in such a way that readers will wonder if it is fact or fiction. There will NEVER be ANY clue as to who this man of fame is.  In the end, that is NOT an important part of the story anyway. What is important is the story itself.  So yes, the story will be written. With questions asked the reader.  Is there a plan in life?  Can we alter the plan by our decisions?  Are some things meant to be?  Or are they meant to be but sometimes we choose not to follow those paths? Will they be in the end anyway?  I think the book will leave so many people thinking and seeking deeper than they ever have, because this is what the story does to me.

And now I am left with the wonder of where do I go from here?  The past few days I’ve tried to hide out and bury my head in the sand and just not make any moves.  I’ve recently discovered a new game, “Bubble Breaker.”  I think I’ve become addicted, but it’s been a good way to just ignore having to face a new horizon.  But now it’s time to get back to being me. Those bubbles will just have to linger in cyberspace now.

Family times have pretty much ended now too.  Emma and Drew left Friday morning for Tulsa, Joel left this morning and is now near his new Army base.  He’ll be there until April, then will be transferred to a base a lot closer to here.  This is new for them as Emma and Joel have never been apart.  My heart broke for both of them yesterday, but Joel is absolutely positive this is what God is calling him to do………….and he will follow that leading.  With the world the way it is it’s SO hard for me to see him go into the military!  But being a Chaplain is truly a calling and after all, he is God’s.  I have such peace about this, it’s almost incredible! But lately it seems in my life, I am truly learning to let go of SO many things.

Times were tough for Joel and Emma while home.  Besides being sick a few days, at the same time Dell and I were, the 4 of us in this house *yuckkkkk* they were also in a car wreck.  The Lord sent his angels to protect them on the icy interstate they were traveling on where they almost hit a semi!  Joel veered at the last minute and hit the bridge of the overpass.  His car was not drivable, but NO ONE was hurt!  Drew in the backseat, Emma and Joel in the front. Their dog and cat had stayed behind at my house which was a miracle in the end.  By the time Emma left for home yesterday the car wasn’t fixed and there is question as to whether it will be totaled.  She drove the rental car back to Tulsa, and depending on what happens with the car, Dell and I may have to make a trip to Tulsa, driving her car once it’s repaired.  Of course animals can’t ride in the rental car, so Amy has their cat, and we have their dog, Grace.  Poor thing.  I think she is so homesick and I don’t know how to help her.  Pete and Lilly LOVE having visitors here (dog visitors) and are the friendliest dogs in the world.  Hey, they’re Golden Retrievers, okay!  But Grace!  Now that is a different story!  She is a very anti-social dog, so having two bouncy goldens always wanting to play is challenging to her, tho I did notice tonight she is becoming a part of the pack. I hope this helps her in her new environment here at our house.

If the car is totaled, I’m not sure how Grace and Fuzzy, the cat will get home. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  I’m just SO grateful they are all okay!  Cars can be fixed or replaced.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that. *smiles*

New Year’s Eve, just prior to my dream, then crisis of finally letting go, I happened to go to the twin soul forum I sometimes visit. In it there is a story section.  I seldom read these. However, I had a private message from a gal I didn’t recognize her name.  It turns out that this girl was the girl I had met at the national conference I had to work for my boss back in September!  She had written her story out in this section. Intrigued, I went there to read the story and found that several people were talking about me!  She gave me the recognition for helping her find her way there!  Wow!!  Do you know how weird that was? This had been going on for about a month and I had NO clue!  All I could think was this journey I am on is really more than I realize!  See this girl just came up to me out of nowhere and began talking.  I must have told her I was writing a book on soul mates, at which she began to cry.  Her story was one that SO many people I keep running into have. You meet this complete stranger, but you know this person!  You know you know this person and you feel a connection that is stronger than anything you’ve ever felt your whole life!  You feel as if you are going insane. You fall apart!  There is confirmation from the other person they are feeling it too, and yet they suddenly have NOTHING to do with you!  It’s too complicated, and yet one is left to wonder what they have done.  Yada………yada……….yada………………the twin soul journey!  That day I talked to her as quickly as I could and she just sat there and sobbed. She had kept it all bottled in, didn’t feel anyone would understand!  I gave her my journal address, after all, I walk a similar journey! I also told her about the twin soul forum.  I tell you it was really spiritually directed that day! Of 2700 people, A NATIONAL conference of agriculture, how would two people find one another to talk about twin souls?  Yes, there is a plan!!!!  And I believe these plans send us helpers to get us through.

I did send her a message back.  She has now connected with some others that walk a twin soul journey too, so I will back off now. I’m here if she needs me, but I can sense she is at the earliest stages of her journey and is a mess at the moment. I remember it all too well! The woman that helped me at the very beginning didn’t lead me too much, she simply planted seeds of important inspiration that truly set my feet on a very good path of awakening all the more. This is all I hope to do with anyone God sends my way to help too.

Speaking of journeys!  Everyone pretty much knows the story of my boss.  She has a twin soul journey she is living too and will swear to ANYONE this is why I was sent to work for her.  Anyone that remembers me leaving my job of 20 years to go to this part-time job will know I did it without understanding why I was…………….but we know why now!  Her twin, who had totally shut her out again in August for NO reason, after coming back to her after shutting her out before for 10 months,  well he called her on New Year’s Eve at 2:00am!!!!! Out of nowhere!  She called me yesterday to tell me about it!  She couldn’t believe it because I kept telling her she’d hear from him again, but that she needed to fix “her” first! “Boss, this is meant to be a spiritual journey, NOT a journey back to your twin!” She heeded my words of wisdom and has truly grown in her life with God now, and was doing well.  Then he calls!  Did he sense this?  That she really was ready to let go?  He calls her, he tells her he loves her, there is NO ONE in the world that understands him but her!  He has always loved her, and all those other words most of us walking these twin soul journeys would love to hear!  Here’s the kicker tho!  He says to her, “And when we get married this year I will know you were always the woman for me!”  My boss said she just sat there dumbfounded!!!!  Here is was 2:00am, she was sound asleep and out of nowhere, he calls to say these things!  We talked about how she just needs to take it one day at a time, and she agreed with me.  She is SO much stronger now………….with or without him, tho with him she will be happier, I think?  But the thing is, she truly did focus on herself the past few months, and God.  We often talk about God’s love and heaven and all those things that get us off the subject of twin souls.  I believe she is spiritually much more prepared for being with him now. The question is, is he spiritually prepared?  Hmmmm?

When I hung up the phone I was bittersweet.  SO happy for her!!!!  I truly am, but sometimes I still feel like Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz.”  When Scarecrow gets his brain, Tinman gets his heart, and the Lion gets his courage………….they’re all showing her their prizes, and Dorothy…………………her wish doesn’t seem to be coming true.  Well, it’s sort of how I felt when I hung up, but I remembered that the greatest love of my life lives within me, and that is the love of God.  I felt warm in a very melancholy sort of way.

I have a lot of beautiful things in my life.  Things I sometimes take for granted of which I am vowing this year to be much more grateful of and not so overlooking of.   Much as I didn’t think I did this, I think for a very long time I have been so very focused on what I didn’t have, that I never really saw what I did.  I think I’m ready to begin living life again.

And it took a very powerful dream to wake me up this time.  A dream that hurt so much, but one that shook me and said, 276!!!!  WAKE UP!!!!!

And I think I finally have.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine