Once again it’s been a few days since I’ve written.  I sometimes wonder why I’m not able to write so much right now? I guess at the moment I really feel as if I have been called into a quiet time.  These are the times I am still, drawn unto the Father to seek answers, and be comforted.  These are the times I am sure I grow the most, tho I am so quiet and listless during them I wonder how I could be learning anything.  Words that come to me are “When I am weak, HE IS STRONG!”  So perhaps in this quiet/weak time I am strong because I am filled with God’s love.

Things I guess are “fairly” back to normal;  whatever that may mean.  The holidays over, slowly things go back to what seems normal anyway.  Jane is no longer working with me, her last day was the 31^st of December.  It’s quiet as I am once again back on my own, tho things are a lot different than they were when she began almost a year ago.  My boss and I have grown very close I think, and tho there are still parts of the job I don’t like, I do like having her as a friend.  Very seldom do you find jobs as that. It’s important to me I do the best I can and not let her down.  She took Jane to lunch today to let her know how much she appreciated her.  I was asked to go by Jane so I did. It was nice.  We actually have all grown close in the year.  Now we will be minus one.  Change is always in the air.

My friend Sydney who I worked with forever at school has now given her notice at school.  She got a job at the university too!  Not near where I work, but all the same we are employed once again at the same place.  She too is part time, which is important to her to help her son who is now grown.  He has Down Syndrome so she has to make sure she is available to make sure he gets where he needs to be. I’ve always admired the strength she has when it comes to her son, who by the way is ONE huge gift from God! Filled with a joy you seldom see in people, regardless of any challenges and disappointments he faces in his life, like not being able to drive or go to college.  How much do we all take for granted?  Donna and Linn are still at the school, but it seems we, the group of special friends we were, all working at the school, are quickly disappearing.  Poor Donna!  She’s feeling as if she has the plague or something. I have a feeling it is only a matter of time and Linn will be at the university too! *laughs*  And then Donna will REALLY be upset! After all, she came from the university TO the school to work with us, and now 2 of the five have left to go to university!  Isn’t life sometimes one big circle?

This is going to sound probably not so much a priority, but one of the reasons I have not been writing this week is because it is “Armageddon Week” on The History Channel.  I have studied Bible Prophecy for years and years.  To see so much of what I’ve studied suddenly being broadcasted,  seems so close to home.  What’s really awesome for me is as they name the colored horses of the apocalypse, know what each horse represents! I don’t know if that is awesome of disturbing…………………but I realize that for years and years I’ve felt as if I would see the end of times.  I know that’s not a thing of love and light, but it is a reality of what I’ve known even since I was teeny tiny little.  The real first dream I recall is one of a massive earthquake. I won’t get into all of this tonight because it is a subject not well received by most. I understand.  It is odd for me tho to turn on TV and see all that I’ve studied presented.  So yes, it has consumed some of my time this week.

Onto lighter and brighter subjects?  Okay!

Part of my “healing” and letting go seems to be coming out in a need to create.  Tho I haven’t been working on the book quite yet as I should be, I do find myself working on it in my mind’s eye. I’ve not been writing it the way it is supposed to be done the past year and the way I plan to do it now, I believe once I do, it will begin to flow.  So that is create number 1.  I’ve also been designing a lot of things around the house.  Perhaps that comes from not having the house on the market anymore? Perhaps a fear I may never get to move? Perhaps I have a need to make the best out of where I am at the moment?  When I look at the 3 “perhaps” I think it’s the later.  Make the best of where you are!!!!  And I like to decorate and I like to create!  The gift I have in this is Dell.  I will get the idea, I tell him what I want, he heads out to the hardware store, buys what I have designed, and builds it for me.  He is probably one of the best woodworkers I know, although he is most humble about it.  Sometimes we fight because something will be perfect and he sees all the flaws.  The latest was my kitchen window. It always seemed sort of bare and cold to me. I had seen these shutters I LOVED in Country Sampler (my fav magazine).  So I told him what I wanted, and here it is, 4 days later!

 I find them awesome!  My house really is becoming a country cottage of some sort, built on the edge of a forest with a creek running through it.  I am sure my mom would just shudder if she saw it as she was very formal!  But then perhaps she wouldn’t.  I imagine things are so much different on the other side. But while here, I like cozy, warm, faded, and welcoming things in my home.  I like to share my latest designs!  I’m actually trying to convince Dell that he needs to begin building and selling some of this stuff.  He says he doesn’t think he could do it because he does it for me and that is his inspiration.  Wow.  Now that’s sweet!  Most of my furniture has been built by him.  Perhaps one day I will do a series of photos to show all that he’s done.

I am still doing good of the letting go thing, tho for a brief moment I will admit sometimes it’s not as easy as I want it to be.  For instance the one I believe to be “him” that hits here every day didn’t come till real late today. I wondered to myself if he wasn’t going to come read anymore because I am not writing to him. Can I really let go knowing if I do he may never come back again?  It was a battle today, of which in the end I know that sometimes you truly do have to let things go.  What’s the old adage?  Set something free and if it returns it’s meant to be and if it doesn’t………………………..well, that’s sort of where I have discovered I am right now.  I was sort of glad later to see that he did come, and have this feeling within me, if it is really him, and has been all this time, if he really cares he won’t care if I write him or not because if he really cares about me, he comes not for what I say to him, but because he wants to touch me, if only through an on-line journal.  The thoughts make me smile at believing that I really could share something so special with someone so far away I honestly believe is my twin soul.  Even if I have let go!  I still believe that this connection with him exists and always will.  And sometimes a connection is all the more special if it is kept in a place it should be kept and we don’t try to make it humanized.  Just let it be because surely fate has a plan……..

More lessons learned: I am truly finding myself these days honoring Dell for the person he is.  That was one of the things God once told me MUST happen in my life.  “You will not go anywhere till you honor him for the person he is.”  That was like almost 6 years ago!  It’s not been an easy journey, let me tell you, but as I began to trust God more and more with my life, and all I didn’t understand, I found out He really can give us eyes to see that which we don’t want to.  And here I am. Honoring Dell in so many ways.  I have to share this because I believe it is a very important part of the journey I am on.  Read some of the earlier journals from say, 2005 (go to “Yesterday’s Writings”) and you will see how much I have grown!!

 I feel as if I am learning more than I ever have in this period of time.  Honoring Dell is very much a part of my heart now, and I feel as if whenever that happened, God promoted me to the next step!  But it doesn’t mean I still don’t have dreams that live within me, because they are still there. I just choose now to allow them to be there………………….perhaps in another place or another time those dreams will become the reality?  Who’s to say?

Oh no!  It is well after 8:00pm now, and “Armageddon Week” continues! I will head to the TV now, then the hot tub. I’ll continue talking to God, rejoicing in all that I am learning at the moment, how He is holding my hand on this journey I just really don’t understand most of the time, and this feeling of FINALLY finding ME! 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

 Tonight's song is sort of where I believe God and I are at the moment as I find myself sitting silently before Him just seeking truth on this journey of life...................this song truly touches my heart as it is how I see my life: