After a very long few days I’m here.  Yes, all is well, tho the emotional turmoil of the past couple days has pretty much caught up with me.  I think major change as a new grandchild causes me to become an emotional wreck.  Don’t ask me why.  Perhaps I just need drugs. *chuckles*

Everyone is waiting to hear so I will tell what little I can.  My son and his wife have requested I not give hardly any information on the internet so I will respect their wishes and limit details.  I will also post a photo of me holding the baby, but out of respect for them, you won’t be able to see her face.  But you’ll get the jest. 

Elizabeth A. was born……………………February 18, hours before February 19. Yes, it was sort of a bittersweet thing for me, not wanting to play with fate or destiny or anything, but I’ve truly decided this was synchronicity at its finest as she was actually due February7.  Who would have thought she’d be born hours before “Soul Mate’s” birthday?  She was a very healthy baby……..7’11, 20.5” long.   Here’s something weird about that.  When Amy was born, she weighed 7’11, and was 20.5” long too.   When Amy gave birth to Bree, she was 6’5, and was 19.5” long, which believe it or not was exactly what Jason weighed at birth, and was his length as well.  Sort of strange, huh? 

It was a day of turmoil.  I did my best to make it special for Jason and Susie.  They both did so well.  There was some drama, of which I won’t get into as it had nothing to do with either one of them. It was their special day and I truly wanted it to be that way.  I was just an emotional wreck and I wish I could say why?

As promised, here is a photo of me holding her.  When I finally had a few minutes to hold her, I cradled her in my arms and began praying words of life over her. Speaking words of hope and peace as she grows.  Dedicating her to God’s love, etc.  I SWEAR this happened, as I was speaking over her that she would grow strong and tall in the Lord, and that she would be blessed coming in and going out, suddenly her eyes FLINGED open!  She looked at me, and I SWEAR her mouth opened and she smiled the biggest smile!  Yes, I know newborns don’t smile, or if they do they say it is gas, but I swear to you this was NOT that!  Her little spirit heard the words and I felt as if she was acknowledging the blessing.  She’s so beautiful, dark hair with blue eyes.  I immediately felt a bond with her, especially after doing the praying/blessing thing.  Yeah, I may have been an emotional wreck, but I still felt the strength of the Lord in that moment, believing I was called to do this.  Dell apparently took this photo, as I was silently praying over her. This is moments after she had looked at me and smiled!  I just hugged her and felt heaven in my arms.  After all, she had just arrived from that place.  How I wish she could tell me stories, but God doesn’t have it set up that way. *sighs*  Here we are:

 Oh and yes, Elizabeth was SO excited to have a name sake!  LOL, when I text messaged her to tell her “Elizabeth A” had arrived, she thought I was writing out her pen name!  So I guess it will get confusing now if I am talking baby Elizabeth, or Elizabeth my soul mate friend!  She did threaten me I better not start defining Elizabeth by “little Elizabeth” and “big Elizabeth.”  *laughs*  After a day of tears, I am always cheered when I talk to big Elizabeth.  (I just couldn’t resist! Sorry Lizzie!)

So why the tears?  Why the emotional breakdown?  I’m not so sure I can explain it. Yeah, something happened to set me off, but the thing is I don’t believe that was really the problem. The hurt feelings were just the proverbial straw.  New life coming, new changes,  how different the landscape of my life is these days. I’m blessed, oh I am blessed beyond belief, and I don’t take it for granted, but why is it, no matter how blessed we are and know we are, why do we still beg for something more? Or should I say why do “I” beg for something more?  Will this restless feeling ever end?  Will this longing ever end?  Will the mystery of some things ever become known to me?  To see the innocence of little Elizabeth, to hold her in my arms, I want so much to know that she will be guided all the days of her life and not make the stupid mistakes I did.  And yet, I question now whether or not I did make those mistakes I think I did, or was it just a part of who I was always meant to be?  Would Elizabeth be here if I would have taken different paths? Or Skylar, Drew, or Bree?  And the wee one on the way due in June?   It’s just that sometimes, my heart still longs to just know…………………………

See, I ramble!  My emotions aren’t near as bad as they have been the past few days…..tho no one would have known the turmoil within me. Sometimes I remain strong for those around me, but on the inside I sometimes want to run to a corner, pray, seek, and just understand that of which I can’t seem to quite grasp about this whole journey.

We stayed at Amy and Chad’s house, getting up at 4:00am to see them off to Florida.  Skylar and Bree so excited!  And I went back to bed. I think I might have cried myself back to sleep, or fought the need to.  I wasn’t really sad about anything, perhaps because someone had been so incredibly mean to me the day before…………….but as Amy says,  “Mom, you are the most sensitive person I know.”  She’d be right.

Another excuse!  I miss my mom and dad.  I have all these grandkids now, of which my mom and dad would have loved.  But they never got to see any of them. (Although I swear my mom has had conversations with Skylar.)  I have no family left from my childhood other than an aunt who to this day still doesn’t check in on me or call, or anything. She will probably hear through the grapevine she is now great, great aunt to 4 kids, but I’m not sure she really cares. I wish I understood why that is, but perhaps it is because I remind her of her brother, which was my dad.  Or perhaps it’s because she once had a little girl who was not quite a year younger than me who died tragically when we were 3-years old when she was run over by a car.  At least these are the excuses I use when I don’t want to feel sorry for myself and unloved.  Am I not a bubble full of cheer tonight or what?  I’m just sharing thoughts that have gone through my heart the past few days.     

Oh, best excuse yet!  Winter!  I am SO, SO tired of winter. I need the beach. I need sunshine and warm breezes flowing in from the ocean.  I will make it there in April when I go see Joel graduate from Officer’s school.  I just hope I make it that long! *sighs*

And of course, there is that battle of Soul Mate.  I try so hard to let this go! I swear I do!  But did a moment go by yesterday, his birthday, that I didn’t think of him and wish him the most beautiful things from within my heart.  I thought about his wife and he going to dinner, she would probably bake him a cake, or they’d have a special night out on the town.  Isn’t it amazing how you can romanticize someone else’s life?  The funny thing is I think I’d like her.  Is that strange?  I picture her a very awesome person, because I know him.  He’s gentle and kind and I know he’d never marry anyone that wasn’t special.  Still, I just wonder why I continue to feel this special connection to him……………and yet wonder if I will ever see him again.  I’d never interfere in his life, anymore than he did mine all these years later.  But the pain and the love remain so real to me.  I really need to pray so much more about this as that is the only place I seem to find complete peace.

Finally today, frustrated beyond belief with so many things I broke down and called Lise.  Sometimes you just have to talk with someone who lives a story similar to yours.  Someone who has found her own twin soul, and is unable to be with him as well.  Just to commiserate with one another, or perhaps encourage one another that we are not insane………………..or obsessed, or any of those other awful things the world might accuse you of when you hold someone so deep in your heart, regardless of knowing you can’t be with this person.  And that’s the odd thing about all this,  Lise asked the right question,  “What is it you want?”

How do you answer that?  “I’d just like to be able to talk to him I guess.  He’s married, I’m married, but man, how can something so special just be ignored forever and ever?”  She knew what I was saying, she lives it too.  I guess it is special after all, as more and more I do believe he still comes everyday to check in on me, so in our own way we do talk, and he does in some sort of phantom way share my life with me.  I heard his voice last night for the first time in 4 years.  I think it shook me up more than I thought it would.  How can I miss someone I really hardly knew?  Someone who I still feel as if I have known throughout eternity!  It makes no sense! I chide myself talking it out with Lise.  She was patient and kind and gentle with me, reminding me that this place is temporal, this is a journey we are walking and that we must learn what we must.  It felt SO good to talk it out with someone who really does understand it.

And I pull up the photos of baby Elizabeth A.  I remember that moment when she and I connected as she just seemed to know her mee maw was praying for her. I look at Jason, Dell, Susie.  I thought of Skylar, Drew, Bree, Chad, Amy, Joel, Emma and I am so grateful they are all a part of my life.  Still, there is a longing to be someplace I have no clue what it would be like.

And now, it’s the weekend. I have a wedding shower tomorrow.  Someone else is about to go through one of life’s major changes……….and then on Sunday Jason asked me to please go back to the city to see the baby at home.  I have decided to make food for them and take it the 70 miles, making extra so they have some extra food the next few days. I’m making Jason’s favorite, “Noodle Bake.”  When I told him for a moment he sounded like he did when he was a kid.  “Wow! That’s GREAT mom!”  I haven’t made it in years, so I’m glad he got so excited. 

See, I am doing the best I can to live life, and love.  Finding ways to love no matter how I sometimes hurt on the inside.  I know God knows my heart, and I know that He will give me all that I need at any given moment.  And I know that my every footstep is directed by Him, which I wouldn’t ask any more or any less for my life………it’s just that sometimes, I get a little restless.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I think this is the first time in 7 years I haven’t been here to wish you a happy birthday.  Oh, you can bet I did in my heart all the day through, even with life all around me, I never forgot it was your day.  I was able to hear your interview last night.  I guess I know the truth now huh?  You sound happy tho with where your life is, and I couldn’t ask for more.  May I say I think you are where you are for more reasons than “luck.”  You are blessed. You have been given an awesome talent………….and with it you have remained so very humble. I believe God smiles down upon you because you do remain humble, and I think you have a very good heart.  What is it they say of twin souls?  A reflection of the other or something like that?  These days I’ve come to wonder if twin souls are meant to be together………………and of course as always I question the whole twin soul thing.  The only reason I believe it is because it’s the closest theory I can find to explain how I felt the moment I laid eyes on you and felt the whole universe stop.  I so wish we could just talk………………to say hi, to catch up, to validate the specialness it is we share, as friends, for I would never interfere with the beauty of what you have found in your life…………sure a part of me is sad because I dreamed to be there one day……………but knowing you are happy…………..and knowing you are still here, I guess I know that special remains in ways that go beyond definition.  It has to be………….for you are here and I am here and a special bond we share. In another place and another time…………………and there is always tomorrow, and there is always yesterday, and for now, you’re there, I’m here, and special remains all around.  I hope your birthday was beautiful.  I know that you know I was here sending you the most love possible.  And tonight I send you love and light.  And I pray for you, always, and I also pray for your beautiful wife……………may there always be a spirit of peace wherever you both may be. Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine