I have been SO wiped out since coming home from work.  I have drifted off to sleep how many times in front of the TV?  Gesh!  Don’t I feel like some old lady or something?  But then I realized what was wrong with me.  I woke up early this morning, long before the alarm went off at 5:30am.  I didn’t look at the clock as I laid there trying to figure all of life out.  To see the clock would have caused a bit of a panic realizing I had to get up in an hour or two hours, or however long it was I laid there.  And of course I talked to God.  So yeah, I have a reason to be wiped out!

My day at work continued to be crazy.  Gosh but that job is SO detailed and non-stop emails and scheduling, and well, I have to remember my dream. I am where I am meant to be.

I continue to be restless, wondering what to do.  Move? Not move? I had a discussion (email) with my Realtor today.  Yeah, the people who want my place are interested but apparently they think they can dictate the price, which is now $350,000 less than where I started!  My Realtor assures me that this is happening all over.  The only things selling are rock bottom prices and below.  It’s so bad most people forget about selling right now.  I guess that explains why I’m not finding what I want in the city too.  But she has me thinking. I’ve tried to sell now for 2 years and have seen the prices fall THAT far in that amount of time.  What is to happen if I don’t sell now?  You see, I am one of those that doesn’t believe the housing market will EVER pick up again.  Or if it rebounds, it will NEVER go back to where we were five years ago.  Am I better to get out of it now what I can?  What if a year from now we are down another $100,000?  And where do I go in the city? It’s for sure I’ll never be able to replace what I have now, but as I said to Dell earlier, do I want to replace what I have?  There’s SO much work to this much property!  Would easy and simple and something smaller property wise make more sense?  I sure wish I could hear from God on this one!  But like everything else I know the answer is already within, I’m just not listening close enough.  Oh wait!  God told me to be patient a little while longer, so I guess that is the answer.  Perhaps this restless feeling is preparing me for where it is He wants me to be when the time comes. “TIMING! Everything is about timing.”

Those thoughts consumed me a lot today.  And I looked at houses again on the Realtor Board.  I always find some that “could” work, but I just seem to have this knowing they just aren’t the ones.

I also had another thought in my lack of sleep in the wee hours of the morning!  What if something happened to Dell?  Whether it be health wise, or he finds his own twin soul or something, and I am left alone? How would I care for this property?  At least now I can sell it for a decent price………but what if a year from now those things of Dell would happen?  I’d be stuck and up a crick without a paddle!  More thoughts to ponder on the whole, “WHAT DO I DO NOW?” thoughts……………………………RESTLESS!  Not a pretty word for a woman of faith. *sighs*

Perhaps the truth is I want to move on and keep convincing myself I shouldn’t.  Is life supposed to make sense?

So on to the spiritual side of me.  The part I like best about me.  The part that is still and gentle and longs to control all parts of me, but the spiritual often gets shut out by the living itself. The reality of a world of which for now I must exist and live in. How I cherish the moments as this. Where as I write,  I have a lavender candle burning next to me and the soft meditative music playing.  Where my  spirit is quiet and allowed to just “get it all out.”  Yes, this is the part of me I like best!

Tomorrow is February 24.  It’s Dell’s birthday.  It’s also the day I met Soul Mate 8 years ago!  So many memories of this day!  8 years ago Dell turned 44.  I was still 42, and Soul Mate had just turned 53, which ironically is how old Dell will be tomorrow.  Wow.  That’s sort of a strange thought for some reason.  I still am amazed at how 8 years later, a chance encounter, which I guess wasn’t really chance, as Soul Mate did come to the school I worked at to do a show.  What were the odds tho?  Especially considering I had those visions of him, even tho I didn’t know who he was.  What stands out so clearly to me about that day 8 years ago was getting ready that morning.  Elizabeth, Dell and I had to go to the airport to pick the band members up.  As I was doing my hair before leaving,  I heard the voice, that gentle voice that so often speaks to me, tho that morning it was a bit more loud and clear than normal.  There was also an illumination of vision that fell over me, it illuminated what I was hearing:  “Someone from the band is going to fall in love with you………*pause*  And you’re going to fall in love with him.”  I still remember laughing about it!  “Yeah, right!”  I thought to myself as I was sure that I was probably having the big one!  I’d been through SO much those days! This stupid concert to be held that night that my boss made me pretty much responsible for the band, my mom dying of cancer had been in intensive care for over a month, my kids were all screwy and moving away from home as normal kids do in their early 20s…………..everything was falling apart! I was a mess, and some musician is going to fall in love with me?  WHATEVER!  I honestly believe it was too much for me to fathom that morning. 

On the way to the airport I never said a word to Elizabeth.  Back then I didn’t really tell anyone of the visions I had, or how I talked to God and how He talked back and how I would journal all those things He often spoke to my heart.  Yet, in my quiet way I was curious.  When we got to the airport I met the band members, one by one.  Nothing happened!  I was convinced it was the big one and totally forgot what had happened that morning as the day wore on.  Even tho one band member missed his flight because he had overslept, causing me yet one more headache in my distressed life, I never thought he could be the one.  Later that afternoon, I believe it was late afternoon………..like around 4:00pm, he finally arrived.  It was during sound check.  He walked across that stage and “BAM!”  I was on the biggest roller coaster I have ever ridden going downhill FULL BLAST!  My stomach!  This light I saw from heaven shinning down on him!  I really was having the BIG ONE!  I closed my eyes trying to get over it………whatever it was.

A few minutes later we would meet for the first time.  What they say about meeting your Soul Mate, which at the time I had NO clue this stuff even existed, happened.  Time stopped, I couldn’t breath, I was in a tunnel, causing tunnel vision, my knees felt as if they’d give out and I kept saying in my spirit, “THERE YOU ARE!”  I knew I had finally found “him.”  Yet all rational thoughts and understanding just didn’t understand who “him” was!  Deer in the headlight moment?  Maybe.

And here I am 8 years later.  Life has changed in every way possible!  I could write for days and days all that has happened in my life since that February 24, eight –years ago,  so I think I will just wrap it up with what I have finally come to the conclusion it all meant:  He was sent to me.  Meeting him made me understand life is SO much bigger than we really realize.  Even tho I walked so closely with God back then and KNEW there was so much more, Soul Mate was the missing link in my life to truly understand so much of what I knew from within but could never find.

 I’ve read so many articles on these connections called twin souls, and it is said that often they are brought into one another’s lives when they are needed the most.  Like some sort of pre-agreement to be there when they other needed them.  Oh, we’re not together physically.  More and more it appears that we may never be together while on this earth, but I DO believe we have brought something much greater than that to one another, we share something very spiritual. A connection that is just so not understood on a human level, but yet known and felt from the spirit. From the heart.  From that place of being a spiritual being.  Eight-years later, that knowing I felt the moment I laid eyes on him remains just as strong.  I’ve had a lot of pain understanding it through the years.  Sometimes I was angry, and sometimes I was so excited!  I remember the day he called me a few years after we met, I was so overwhelmed with that intense feeling I always had when I was near him, all I could do was say, “Uh huh, uh huh.”  Or I remember when he held my hands in his and walked away, he was mad, he was hurt, he just seemed to know that the time wasn’t right for us.  My heart broke, but I also knew that I had to let this happen. Like there has always been this plan for he and I and I had to let it go too.  Only letting it go I have discovered is not letting “him” go, it’s letting go of any preconceived outcomes. It’s letting go of the fairy tale romantic ending to allow it to be the special thing it is;  two people who reach through space and time and give the other strength.  If it is what I have come to believe it is, and yes, I believe it is.

Eight-years ago tomorrow (today for most who will read this), my life changed in so very many ways.  You see, I met my twin soul.

Tomorrow I will celebrate Dell’s birthday.  Part of this journey awakened me to know that Dell was to be a part of my life.  Oh, when this all began believe me, I had wanted out of my marriage for how long?  It just made so much sense that this was the time to do it!!!  I could run to my twin soul!  Except God had much different plans for me. I had SO much to learn and one of those main lessons was learning to honor Dell.  I didn’t know where to begin, but I learned, and today I can admit to everyone what a very awesome person he is! I cherish him for all that he has brought to my life, and no longer take him for granted.  He is good to me and I appreciate his friendship and loyalty with all my heart.  And I thank Soul Mate for allowing me to find this lesson I needed to learn by keeping his distance and honoring the fact I had to make the decisions for me.  I know it wasn’t always easy for him, and I KNOW many times he was frustrated and angry.  Sometimes I’m not sure it turned out the way he hoped it would either……………..but it appears now there was someone he was meant to find and marry himself.

But it doesn’t mean neither of us forget.  We’re just on a journey and I think both of us must continue to teach one another so very many things. And with all my heart, I believe we will.

And of course there is always the possibility I am wrong when I speak for a man so far away who may have learned his own lessons of which I can’t even imagine.  For tonight tho, looking back over the journey, I truly do believe this is where the story remains today.  One day I’ll know because one day he and I will cross paths again………..and he can yeah me, or nay me……………but I have a feeling when that time comes, we will simply look in one another’s eyes, fall into one another’s arms as we did two hours after we met, and just feel so content to have found one another again.  And I will whisper a whole lot of prayers to God that He did bring Soul Mate into my life.

And with that I want to wish Dell a very happy birthday!  He truly is a very gentle and kind person and deserves a lot of gratitude from me for all these years we have been together.  Happy birthday Dell.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Don’t you just love how I speak for you?  LOL, what else can I do because you have always remained so mysterious, and yet, in your own way always confirmed what I wrote about. Therefore I am brave and I write what I see in my spirit.  I could be so wrong, but I have to be true to what is within me and what I wrote above is what I see.  What I love about where we are now is knowing that I have truly learned to love without expectation.  I have finally learned what it means when the Bible says, “Love is not envious!  It does not demand its own way, it is kind and it is gentle.”  I do believe I truly did learn love from you because no matter how much I dreamed to have one of those “Cinderella” endings, I became more aware that I didn’t want to hurt anyone to have it, and that I cared more for you that you found happiness than I cared if I had happiness in the end………….if that makes sense?  Yet, there is such a beauty in knowing that I can still touch your heart and fill you with the knowing that on those days you wonder if anyone really cares…………….you always have here to come to and feel the love.  For two people who have had so little contact, we sure do have some really awesome memories, don’t we?  We’ve laugh, we’ve cried, we’ve gotten angry, and yet we keep coming back to something that just can’t quite be explained.  Happy “met you 8-years ago day”…………..I send you love and I send you light……………I’m so happy you did join that band for 9 months that happened to get booked at the high school!  J  Tonight’s song truly does explain what it was like the day we met.  Goodnight, Love, Sunshine