I’m just in from the hot tub where for the first time in 24 hours I sat in peace.  Why does my hot tub bring me release from all that bothers me?  Under the stars, after a very cold day in my world, mentally, physically and spiritually, I finally felt warm.

It’s true.  The past 24 hours I have cried more than I have in a very long time. What happened to set it off is as unknown as why I can’t control the tears.  It must have something to do with this restless feeling I’ve had lately and this need to find something. I am looking for something but I can’t grasp what it is.  As I was paying bills last night I realized for the first time how much this property is draining me!  I never really understood how much it was, and I suddenly felt as if I was in the hole and all the dirt was now piled up and light was slowly fading away.  Or in simpler terms, I felt as if I was having a mental breakdown. I felt suffocated, feet in quicksand and I couldn’t moved, and well, all the dirt had been poured on me in this hole of which I stand and light was fading…………………………….

And don’t I sound like the drama queen?  Probably, but I honestly believe in life we all go through these periods of time.  However, some of us are a little bit more emotional about it than others. *points at self*  I remember one time a dear friend of mine, Gary told me,  “The highs are SO great, but the lows are so low!”  I’ve always remembered his words as it describes me.

Poor Jane.  Due to my boss’ schedule this week I traded days with and worked all day today, and will work a half day tomorrow then I will be off on Thursday and Friday. I so wished I hadn’t done this trade with my boss as it would have been much easier to stay home today, my normal day off, and cry. I refused to cry when I went to work as I am one that believes you leave the personal stuff at the door when you walk in.  When our boss went to her class, no matter how much I faked it, I guess Jane knows me well enough to make a comment,  “Are you okay?  You seem so sad today.”  Of course I tried to hide it and cover it,  I mean how can you explain you’re having a breakdown when you can’t explain why?!  I didn’t have to, she began to tell me exactly what was wrong with me, and she was right.  She convinced me I’d be so much happier selling the place and finally being on my own!  She did all the figures with me, opened up the possibilities of where it could lead me, and helped me find that which is in fact buried in my heart.  By the time she got through trying to help me find my way, our boss was due back in the office, and I had cried a million more tears in the office as we were working it out, I had admitted truth I sometimes don’t like to admit, I really did feel better.  Tho, exhausted and tired in spirit, but better.

I want to sell. I want to move on. I want to go where I am meant to go and yet, I remain here.  Like some loyal person to a family memory or something.  It’s time, I know it!  So against Dell’s wishes, I contacted my realtor tonight and asked her about the market and explained I wanted to be ready for spring and was thinking about putting the place back on the market.  I like my realtor as she is about as honest as honest can be!  I had no idea where I would go if I did sell, but I didn’t care when I wrote her.  I figured if I took the first step then God would open doors as time went on.  Then I got an email back from her. It wasn’t promising news, that’s for sure! The market has all but crashed in our area,  I believe her words were, “It’s very scary.”  She did have a bit of news, the people that had wanted to buy the place right before I took it off the market, did show up to an open house she had and told her they were still very interested, but they want to buy it at a rock bottom price.  Something I’m not willing to do right now!  My heart is breaking as I write this, but wisdom does not lead me to believe I should sell it as cheap as they want to buy it.  I’d cry about this but I don’t believe there are more tears within to fall!  She did promise if she saw things pick up she’d let me know right away! But for now, the only thing selling are the things WAY below market prices.

So I guess officially this recession *cough cough* (personally I think it’s closer to a depression), has affected me now.

I have put out some resumes for full time work, something I absolutely DON’T want to do!  But if I must, I convince myself I must.  I wish I could find something that is me!  I’m so tired of being Administrative Assistants to everyone else.  I love my boss, as she has been so very good to me, but I feel so stifled!  Yes, she has become dependent upon me to draft her business letters (this is good as it stretches my writing ability in a high academic setting), and she depends on me to manage her schedules.  But it isn’t what I want to do.  Why am I so unfocused?  Just spinning my wheels day after day not finding where I am meant to be, I just don’t know how to get there so I get overwhelmed, give up, try to find some sort of contentment where I am and I pray a lot. 

I’m sure this is the problem with all the health things too!  I don’t hurt quite as much as I did a week ago because the Rheumatologist gave me medication which does help me feel better, tho I noticed today in the mental breakdown I could hardly walk again!  Yup! That alone proves to me it’s the spiritual battle manifesting in the physical. *sighs*

So as I sat in the hot tub tonight I once again tried to be grateful for that of which I have. And I do have.  But I also realized something that I suppose would sound crazy to the world, but truth within us is truth and when we try to deny our truths I sense we slowly start to die on the inside………….that truth for me is when I stop dreaming I stop living.  For so long dreams and thoughts of Soul Mate got me through so many things in my life.  The feeling he was near always managed to give me some sort of supernatural strength I can’t explain.  When I discovered a few months ago the strong probability he probably had gotten married (no, I still have not seen anything written to confirm it, I simply found out in an unconventional way) I convinced myself I had really fallen into some delusional state.  The mystery of this man continues to be with me still.  No matter how hard I try to convince myself it isn’t him that I have known to be him reading here all this time……………..I go back to knowing it is!  Yet I never hear from him………………there is no clue it is he here, but it is someone!  The longest reader here,  since the beginning, now almost 4 years ago, continues.  He would know why I knew it was him when he began, and he would know why I believed it was him with the message he once left.  He apparently wants to remain the man of mystery in my life……............yet he knows that I know or however that goes and this connection is one to drive a person mad!  Except, it doesn’t  drive me mad as I grew enough along the way to finally put it in a place that is gentle and good and open to all sorts of possibility.  As I sat in the hot tub tonight I realized I missed him.  Meaning I have shut him out entirely in trying to honor where he is in his life, and where I am in my life. Yet, trying to shut him out, or the dreams of,  have truly diminished my writing abilities, my abilities to believe in the unbelievable, and mostly, my ability to believe in dreams.  So for a moment as I sat in the hot tub I let him in again. I allowed myself to feel what I always did when he was near. After 24 hours of tears I felt good and alive and ready to face life again.  And it makes NO sense!   Other than he’s the muse.  He’s my muse and twin soul so far away whom I may never see again, and yet, his footprint is eternally etched in my heart.  Perhaps it is okay to feel what I do when it comes to him, with the promise not to take it one step beyond that world of which I find him.

And that leads me to here.  Once again it appears the door to me moving on right now is shut, unless I want to be foolish and sell at such a ridiculous price.  Suddenly I remember the other day in the pool, before this latest breakdown, I felt God whisper to me,  “Please my child, be patient, wait just a little bit longer and you will see.”  Wow.  Those words just came back to me!  The tears have stopped now, my dreams are perhaps more alive at the moment since I will let “him” back into my heart and not be afraid to dream the dream, and well……………..if God has asked me to be patient I think I will heed His request. 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  For a moment tonight I let it back in. I sat under the stars and half moon in frigid, frigid temps, and just let the warmth and memory of the very few times together we had back in. I needed it tonight because I felt I had lost my way.  And I remembered. I remembered how when all was falling apart over the past 8 years, thoughts and memories of you always filled me with joy and hope, at least while I am on this earth.  If it’s really you here, I don’t think you’ve ever lost your way………………….but perhaps you have learned how to live life where you are.  Will you still be my muse?  Okay.  And I will still be the one out here praying for you every day and sending you love and light.  And I do. We just never know what tomorrow might hold and surely I wouldn’t be so drawn if one day………………………yeah, I still believe in one day. *heart*  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine