I use to always journal about the filling up and the emptying out.  The emptying out is what I experienced yesterday. It’s almost as if you fill your life up with all this “junk,” things you don’t think you’re carrying, but really are, and then it’s as if it just has to come out.  So yesterday I emptied out, then today I began filling up again.  How hard I try to only fill me with good things, but in my heart I know that life isn’t about that. It’s about balance.  Good and bad. 

Much as the past few days “KILLED” me because I am one that tries so hard to be positive always, and one that thinks I’ve forgiven myself for a lot of things only to find there is still “more” within me not yet healed, I am grateful for days as yesterday when it’s all said and done.  Today found me much more filled with hope (the icky stuff finally emptied out), and focused.  I feel as if I learned something through this latest mental breakdown, and isn’t that what the journey is all about?

JOURNEY!  Oh yeah!  That’s this thing I am on and this thing I continually forget I am on!  Sometimes I go back to my old patterns of forgetting it’s about so much more than I see.

I worked this morning.  I’m so not use to working anymore 2 days in a row,  so working 2.5 in a row this week was stretching my comfort of freedom I’ve grown used to, but when this morning rolled around, knowing I was off at 11:00am for 4.5 days, well, it was SO worth it!  I left in a really good mood.  Besides, I had learned some lessons and felt a whole lot more free.

My boss called me about every 20 minutes tho.  Jane told me today she can see how dependent my boss has become on me. I’m not sure how that happened or if it is all that true, but a lot of times she wants to talk about things that bother her.  Hurts she doesn’t know how to deal with.  Isn’t it amazing I am filled with wisdom when she talks about her hurts, yet when it comes to my own, I’m like a basket case?!  So I tell her my wisdom theories, about how life isn’t about climbing the corporate ladder in the end.  “Do you think you will remember a year from now that you didn’t make this meeting or that?” I asked her as she was telling me she had to work all weekend to make up for last weekend when she didn’t work and went out to celebrate her birthday instead. She agreed with me.  Then I told her my theory on judgment day;  I don’t believe judgment day will be where God looks at me and says,  “You did this wrong and that wrong and this wrong and that…………I believe God will have us look back over our lives now that we’ve returned to the place of which we’ve come.  In my human mind I see it as if I will watch a big screen TV or something and it will be my life.  The things I didn’t do in love are the things of which judgment will fall.  Not God’s, my own.  As I failed to do what was the most important thing on earth, and that was to love.  And then I happen to believe Jesus steps out and says His love covered my lack of, and I am forgiven.  As I think about this, even tho I do believe in mercy and grace, I don’t want to look back and know I didn’t give it my all to love.”  As I tell her this I can almost hear her think.  “You know, you’re right.”  She said in a soft, understanding sort of tone. The amazing thing about this friendship my boss and I have come to share, for the longest time I saw myself as such a simpleton. I probably still do……….and yet, here I am, helping my boss who is a PhD.  How did I get here?  I would have never dreamed someone of her high stature and academia standing would bother with someone so simple as me………….but then that is exactly what we were talking about today.  In the end will it matter?  All the education in the world, and high-standing, if there isn’t love involved will it matter?  And when I think about it, I realize that this is probably one of those places God once told me I would go and I’d never believe Him if He told me the plans He had for me!  This is all God to be where I am at the moment. The favor God has granted me since my first day in this job is simply one HUGE miracle. 

So yeah, I was feeling much better today when I thought about it.

I met Dell for lunch.  It’s amazing the differences I see in us. I still honor him with all my heart but I can’t help but wonder what is happening here.  We don’t talk at home. He stays in his room on his computer, watching TV.  If we don’t go out to eat where we are forced to talk, then we don’t eat dinner together. He is in 7^th heaven, as this is his paradise.  *sighs*  Never mind my feelings.  For now it is what it is and I am here and I will be here in the spirit of love, because it just is this way, and it could be so much worst…….. I still never want to be so in a hurry to get to where I am going that I take for granted that of which I have while I am here.

Perhaps I’m sentenced here right now for a very good reason?  Like to get the book done?  Jane had called me earlier to find out if I was better.  I told her that I realized how disappointed I was in me because I am my own worst enemy!  I don’t stay focused on the things I truly do believe I am meant to achieve and this latest bout has awakened in me that I am where I am because I didn’t make the changes I should have a year ago.  If I want change, then I must make the effort to bring it about.  Did I finally understand this from my latest breakdown?

So I came home. I first called Elizabeth because she is coming this weekend (YAY) and I wanted to check on her plans.  Then I hung a couple new items I bought at my favorite craft/rustic store. *slaps hands*  (I shouldn’t have.)  Then…………I sat down and worked on the book!  Yay!  I wrote a LOT today!  I am fired up, ready to begin again.  I got lost in writing and probably wrote for close to 3 hours!  What I hope to do is get half through it, then pick my two favorite chapters and begin marketing it, even before it’s finished.  Can you imagine how fired up I’d be if I got an offer BEFORE it was finished?  The book editor I talked to, “Kurt,” who is one hottie BTW………gave me the best advice and convinced me not to even try to finish it!  “If it’s really good they’ll pay you to finish it!”  Wow!  I need to get really focused. Yes, I’m following a dream……………….but why not?  I’m on a journey and perhaps, just perhaps this is in the horizon ahead?

I love working on this story anyway because as I am working on the book I go through my old journals. The ones from 97, 98, 2000! (This is where I am in time in the book.)  I could see today really clear how many things God spoke to me back then (I keep journals of words He has spoken to me. They are in letter form as they always start with, My child, or my dear child.)  As I go back and read His words to me, it’s amazing how accurate they have been of where I am today! 

What I do struggle with writing my story tho is opening myself up to the world. Oh, right now the book is being written as a third party, but the truth is, locally, people who know me, they are going to KNOW this is my story!  I wonder if I want to open myself up like this, but in the end, it’s mostly a story of my walk with God and the places He led me, and how He brought certain people into my life that have helped me SO much.  Sure Soul Mate is a HUGE part of that, but there are SO many others too!  So my fears of opening myself up in this book are replaced by the fact it’s a story of love……………….sacrifice  sometimes, and then selfishness sometimes too.  And if someone wants to judge me, well they really aren’t people I want to be respected by anyway, right?  For me, it’s about the love and I will open my heart and share it in hopes that God can be seen in the midst of it, and hopefully help someone else understand how faithful His love is.

I also chided myself today, now that I am through my latest breakdown, that I always forget one of the three steps God recently gave me,  that step is simple and easy, but I forget, I always seem to forget, “Take one day at a time.”  I think I get overwhelmed when I look too far in the future and don’t see a way out.  If I am meant to have a way out, God will make one, when it is the appointed time.

And today I let myself feel Soul Mate again.  What a weight that was off my shoulders!  I had denied what was within me and everything seemed to stop flowing. Was it like a dam?  Once I opened it and it began to flow, well, I was ready to touch heaven again, and share it with the earth.  Perhaps it’s about so much more than I really do understand and I keep getting stuck at that “happy ever-after” thing that’s supposed to happen like Cinderella and Prince Charming.   What if it is more beautiful than that because it is about hearts that find a way to connect through space and time?  What if it is a beautiful love story being written through space and time with an ending somewhere up there way ahead that can’t be seen until?  But yet in the process you have two people, so far apart feeling the love that neither really ever found until one rainy day on a late Saturday afternoon in February, when fate stepped in.  Oh, the romance and passion in me is still alive and believing.  He may be married, of which I hope all is beautiful for him, and I may be married and share a life with someone who is very close to me and I am grateful for…………….and yet, the heart lives in another place.  I guess sometimes I wonder if I am being fair, but I do my best to be a good best friend to Dell, and be here when he needs me. Yet in the stillness within, my heart and passion seem to be drawn to someone so far away………………………

Now, I think I will go back to writing for a just a bit more.  Then to the hot tub to pray, meditate, feel, and touch me.  Tomorrow will be a busy day, or so I am making it.  Pool in the early a.m.  Home to clean for Elizabeth and “G”.  Write for awhile, then I have a PT appointment, and home to clean some more and write some more.

As life goes on.  At least now I am back to dreaming and believing in my dream and touching who Sunshine is!  Sunshine is the free-spirit side of me not afraid to dream and write her dreams and believe in so many things.  And life does go on……….God makes it all okay, because God is love and only love is real.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I made it through the rocky roads I stumbled into as of late!  YAY!  I am back and while still struggling with this expectation thing, also feeling the freedom in just allowing it to be because it is.  You know I can’t wait for that which is coming in February!  You’ve been busy!  2 Pisces!  Can you imagine the creative power in that through space and time?  If it is what I believe it is, then it truly must be something very magical, beautiful and well, just very special without it being what the world says it must be in order to be real.  Perhaps real is actually written within our souls.  It remains safe, happy, and forever remaining………..my warm, beautiful thoughts for a very cold, dark winter night.  I send you love and light…………….in the midst of a journey and a story still being written and of course, traveled.  Goodnight,  Love ya,  -Sunshine

Tonight’s song is so very special to me.  I have met so many awesome people via my journal, and my newest friend, Joyce I met this way as well.  I used one of her videos many months ago, of which she was able to link to my journal through the video.  She began to read and left me some messages on her thoughts.  I caught up with her today via youtube, and left her messages on some of the most incredible videos she has done.  Tonight she sent me this song for encouragement.  Boy did it encourage me!  I know she won’t mind me sharing it here with everyone.  I hope the words lift you up as they did me…………….and that you will always remember YOU ARE SPECIAL!  My gift to those that read here. My special friends no matter where you may be. And Soul Mate, thanks for reminding me one time that I was special too.  I will always hear those words you said.  And to my new friend Joyce, thank you.