It's my birthday!

Tonight finds me at sunset, sitting on my deck writing.  I’m watching the sun set over the creek that runs behind the forest of my back and side yards.  Normally I’d be unable to see this site, but since it’s mid March, and the trees are still barren, I I get to see the sun set over water tonight! I can’t believe it’s warm enough to sit out here in a tank shirt, jean shorts, and watch the sunset the night before my birthday!  Surely, this IS my birthday gift from God!  Is there any place else I’d choose to be at this moment than here?  The birds are all singing the most glorious song too, perhaps they are singing along with my meditative music playing.  Perfect serenity. (Yes, I probably would prefer to be on the beach, but since I’m not, I will enjoy God’s hand painting that surrounds me as I reflect over the first 50 years of my life.)

I’m doing that tonight. Reflecting. My mind goes back to last year at this time as I was getting ready to turn 50.  I was sure it was my year of Jubilee!  In Jewish beliefs every 50 years everything is returned to you. Debts forgiven, things stolen returned, etc.  I really thought it was my turn for the “Year of Jubilee”, but a year later, I’m not so sure I could say the year went the way I anticipated it would.  Perhaps that is my problem, it was “MY” anticipation and guess work.  I was SURE my place would have sold and I’d be living in that dream house!  How close did I come, and how many times?  Only to have the door closed to me every time.  Oh, and let’s not forget, during my “Year of Jubilee” Soul Mate wedded another,  another huge disappointment in my world, having been sure that restoration would mean walking hand in hand with him on a beach somewhere once I turned 50.  And then Elizabeth! The news that Elizabeth, who was my like bestest friend in the whole world, the sister I never had, who had moved away a few years ago, but only 4 hours away which was doable for us to get together fairly regular, discovered she’d be moving much further from me. To New York.  A very long distance, and not doable for us to drive to one another’s houses for a weekend.  That really caused me yet one more disappointment.  I felt restless all year, and continue to feel restless, tho not quite as much.  When I began to list all those things that could have gone wrong, then did go wrong, I might have become depressed, but you know………………in reflection, I made it through. I am stronger tonight. I’ve learned some sort of surrender to God’s will and not my own.  Sure, I could have “PUSHED THE RIVER” as my friend Carol would say, to try to make all the disappointments happen, but I never felt that was what I should do.  When did I learn wisdom, a wisdom that says move slow, move gentle, trust, just trust?  So perhaps in my “Year of Jubilee” I DID in fact have restored to me something greater than all those things listed above…….perhaps my “Year of Jubilee” actually brought to me God’s greatest gift and the thing I have prayed the most to have in my life, wisdom.  Perhaps in the disappointments I found out more about me than I knew before?  Perhaps that now “knowing”  will lead me to places God has prepared for me?  Or perhaps it will lead me here, to where I started, only this time, with such a spirit of peace to accept those things that are, those things what will be, and those things that are already called as mine, tho I can’t see. 

I just had to put my sweatshirt on as the sun is now almost set and the sky is slowly turning into night.  I see the first star, which I believe is called the evening star.  I went ahead and made a wish.  I still believe in wishes and dreams.  Something else I’ve learned of me, I will never stop believing in those things.

This is the first night since last Thursday night where I am alone.  My birthday isn’t even until tomorrow and I have had people here celebrating with me since Friday!  Elizabeth and G left Saturday afternoon.  Amy, Jason, Susie, Emma, and all four grandkids came in on Sunday to celebrate my birthday, even if I cooked the meal, what a great gift for me to have all of them here.  I cried as I opened my birthday cards because it seemed to me they all went out of their way to find cards that would touch me.  Amy cried with me.  One of the cards that caused me to sob?  It was from Skylar and Bree.  On the outside it said, “Happy birthday to our special Grandma.”  When you open it, it plays, “You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine.”  Oh yeah,  tears ran on that one because it acknowledges that there is a “Sunshine” inside of me.  The one that allows “Kym” to be who she really is and not what the world expects.  Amy gets it, and it touched me SO much!  Of course not to be outdone by Joel, Emma and Drew’s card, and Jason, Susie’s and Elizabeth’s card.  Well, they all touched me!  Amy gave me the DVD, “Love Story” for my gift, as all the kids asked me about Ali McGraw.  I think it’s at times like that I realize life really has moved on! *laughs*  They all bought me a birthday cake with “Happy Birthday MeeMaw” written on it in purple,  “Mom’s favorite color!”   What a great time we all had!!!  Times as those are very rare, and special. It just would have been perfect if Joel and Chad could have been here. But I will not overlook the beauty of what was.

More stars are beginning to show now as the sky grows more and more full of night.

Emma and Drew were here the past few nights, staying Sunday when everyone else left.  What an awesome time we had!  Drew is ALL boy let me tell you!  He’s as cute as a button, but all boy!  After work yesterday we took him to the park, which at almost 2 (May 3^rd  he’ll turn 2) he wanted nothing to do with the little slides, only the big ones would do!  After the park we went to The Pizza Palace for pizza and for the games and rides.  He was in 7^th heaven and ready to hit bed by the time we got home.  His first night at our house he awakened at 3:00am SCREAMING bloody murder!!!  He woke me up even!  Emma couldn’t get him calmed down!  His eyes glazed over, it took her a long time to get him to come to. This child was shook up about something!  He had a bad dream we both guessed.  Emma and I looked at each other as we were talking about it as I calmly said,  “I hope my mom didn’t scare him.”  She sort of chuckled,  “I know!  I thought about that after some of the stories Skylar has told you.”  We both sort of laughed it off, but underneath it all, was that just some sort of nervous laugh?  *chuckles*  My mom was the farthest thing from scary!  I guess this can just go down as some sort of weird mystery, but if you ask Skylar, she’d tell you they come visit her! (They being my mom and dad).

This morning found me in the pool early, early!  I wanted to get the swim in before Drew and Emma left, which they wanted to be on the road at 9:30am, heading to Emma’s cousin’s house in the southern part of the state. I’m really getting addicted to swimming again, which is a wonderful thing!  I bid them both farewell, and thanked Emma for being the most awesome daughter-in-law anyone could ask for.  And I meant it!  She and I had sat up last night late to watch “LMN” (Lifetime Movie Network),  and as always we just enjoy hanging out and doing the chick flick thing together.  I am SO blessed by her.  Not a lot of daughter-in-laws would have made sure to include her in-laws in a visit on her Spring Break.  I will always be grateful to her that she is such a part of our family and wants to be.

Then it was run, run!  I had errands to do, and the day was SO, SO beautiful!  I had wanted to go tan for my trip down south in a couple weeks, but it was so warm, I got all my errands done and came home and lay out in the sun.  It was SO wonderful!  Lots of thoughts and reflections as I drifted in and out of sleep under the sun with a warm breeze all around.  My day had been made earlier when I was in Macy’s and one of the salesclerks was talking about her blonde hair and how she had to have it colored when she started turning grey.  “Oh honey, you wait, one day you’ll be my age and you’ll know what I’m talking about.”  I sort of looked at her with a puzzled look,  “I don’t think there is that much age difference between us…….” I said.  “Honey, I’m 56!”  She said.  I smiled,  “I’ll be 51 tomorrow, so there isn’t that much difference!”  “NO WAY!”  She insisted.  “Yeah, and I’m a grandma of 4 with another one on the way.”  “Oh honey!  Look at you! I would have taken you to be in your mid 30s!   There is NO way I’d EVER believe you to be 50!”  How many times can a person say thank you?  I left Macy’s with a little bit of a gloat…………………………and yet humble at the same time.  I kept thinking of the Bible verse that states God restores our youth, so I thanked him and smiled as I drove home to lay in the sun. 

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on this latest album thing, you know the one that Elizabeth had Soul Mate send me, only it was a year late and very generic.  I’m not sure I’ll ever have answers on this, but in my heart I believe that he might have for a moment “wondered” if it was me, but in the end, I don’t think he thought it really was. However, something he wrote, the way he signed it, I do believe he thought about it and perhaps did wonder.  In my heart I know him well enough that if he DID in fact know it was me, without a doubt I KNOW he would have made it very special.  He always has.  Together or not, he and I have had a special connection, he always let me know this, even if he doesn’t feel the way I have or do, he still let me know he cared a lot about me………….and probably more, but that is to remain private between he and I.  And, that was then, this is now, and who knows?  Sometimes questions only lead to more questions in the end. 

Speaking of which, that is something God and I discussed in the pool this morning.  My endless questioning of whether my mysterious AOL long-time reader is Soul Mate, God clearly spoke to my heart this morning that perhaps all this time I haven’t been asking the right question.  Wow………….that has this girl meditating a WHOLE lot on what it is He is leading me to learn.  As I learn, I will share.

And now, with a night sky full of stars, a much cooler breeze blowing causing me goose bumps, I will close.  I am going to sit in the hot tub, meditate, look up at the stars and try asking the right questions now.  And tomorrow, at 8:20am, or near that time I will begin another year of life.  50 was the year of wisdom it turns out, and what will I reflect and discover 51 will be next year?  As long as I walk in love, and faith, and light, and wisdom………….well, there will be no doubt it is God leading me on the way.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  You know I’ve met a lot of awesome people from this journal. SO many I couldn’t begin to tell you.  Some think I should always talk to you and some think I’m wasting my energy on something I shouldn’t, but one of my newest friends, “Joyce” left me a message saying it is okay to write to you.  As long as I need the dream, I should be here.  This got me thinking, is it only a dream?  Or is it more?  Or is it less? Or is it nothing at all?  I’m trying hard to ask the right questions now, and the one thing I know is, you are special to me.  You have been since that moment you took my hands in yours, looked in my eyes, and connected with me! Since that moment you did that silly sensuous look up and down to make me blush, since that moment you hugged me and held me in your arms and I felt as if I had come home.  I think I’m okay talking to you now because if you are here, then it is real, and if you aren’t here, then I am touching something I knew all my life and am at least allowing it to flow.  Joyce was right………….I need it, because I need to touch my heart.  Jesus lives there…..but then, so do you.  Right or wrong, it is a love that is pure that doesn’t “need” to be with you……………knowing that on some spiritual level,  there is something so very special.  I send you love and night……….Goodnight to you somewhere out there. Love, Sunshine