I’ve just finished my meditation hike and Bible reading for today. I’ve loved it this weekend because spring is here and I’ve been able to be outdoors.  I especially love this at nighttime, when the sun is setting.  If it wasn’t Sunday, and it wasn’t after my birthday by a few days I would have SWORN today was Friday the 13^th.  It hasn’t been a good one.

My day began by swimming. I hopped out of bed at 7:45am, and headed to the pool.  Mistake #1, I think.  I REALLY, REALLY need to be back in church.  Even tho the swimming time was very spiritual, there is a calling within me that cries to get back in church.  I miss my old church but times change, people change and I was struggling with some things. I felt God call me out and back to independent time with Him. It’s worked for a couple years, but now, it’s time to go back. I know it in my heart, I just haven’t applied it yet.  So while it was a beautiful swim time with the Father, in my heart I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be.  I worked out for an hour, having some struggles within my heart about some things.  I finally realized what was bothering me so much wasn’t about anyone else, it was about me.  I’m the one with the problem in my heart or I wouldn’t hurt, or be upset or angry.  I talked to God about it.  “Please help me Father, for it’s not about anyone else, it’s things in my heart that are causing the hurt.  Please heal my heart.”  I prayed it with all sincerity.  Before I knew it an hour had come and gone, and I needed to get home.

I was looking forward to it. It was upper 50s, predicted to be 63 today. I was going to lay in the sun and pray some more.  I’m back into one of my “meditative” spiritual places.

I first stripped my bed, grabbed something to eat, and swept the floor waiting for the sheets to wash so I could hang them on the line.  Dell who was out doing whatever it is Dell does some days came in.  “I found a tractor I want to go see and buy.”  He is insisting we need another tractor for the mowing of the 7 acres we mow.  He found it in a town south of here and was excited.  I tried not to fight about this as I just don’t understand why we need another tractor?  He already has 7 in our outbuildings!  Being a woman, I just don’t get the boy things.  He explained to me once again they are garden tractors and not tractors to mow with.  “So why do we have them?” I asked. I could tell an impending argument was brewing and being in a spiritual place I decided not to pursue my curiosity further.  I was struggling with some things still anyway, and tears would have come too easily.  He offered to go by himself, but I knew the look. He wanted me to go.  “Can I at LEAST lay out for an hour or so?”  It seemed to satisfy both of our wants for the moment so I headed for the deck where the sun was SO bright!  I didn’t want music on, all I wanted was to be still and listen.  To the birds, and the spring breeze blowing and the new sounds of spring once again near.  I must have dozed off in my meditative state.

When it was time I got up, got dressed and headed out with Dell.

What I had prayed about this morning and that bothering me so much by now had reared its ugly head and had gotten the best of me!  Like a flock of birds that fly over head and land in my brain and pick, pick, pick, this was getting the best of me!  I tried to talk about it with Dell, what was bothering me.  He tries to understand how a woman thinks, but because I don’t believe he’s ever had a flock of birds light on his mind the way I do, he just doesn’t get it.  By now I am crying, letting it all out. What I am letting out I realize are real hurts from the past. From my childhood even.  Dell simply says, “I’m sorry.”  For a moment rational thinking comes on me as I wonder if God isn’t letting this all out so I can face that which needs healed.  I look in the mirror as we draw closer and closer to the house of which this tractor is for sale.  My face is BRIGHT red!  Not only is it sunburned, but my face turns red when I cry. All the makeup is now off, with black streaked on my cheeks. I do one of those spit bath things to try to get the mascara off. We pull into this country house and I say to Dell,  “I think I’ll stay here.”  He thinks that’s a great idea. I’d been smart. I’d taken my Bible in case I got a few moments to read.  I pulled it out, opened the windows so Pete, Lilly and I could have a nice breeze and began to read.  Dell must have been with this guy close to an hour. I had almost all my Bible reading for today done when he returned, without purchasing the tractor.  All that way and it wasn’t what he was looking for, better yet, wanted.

And home we came.  By now my mood was semi-better, until I got home and some phone calls came my way.  Too much drama for a heart to handle today I decided. So I cried for a bit, knowing this was about no one else but me………….and wondering if God wasn’t doing some sort of healing in me. Tired as I felt I opted to go for a meditation hike.  I played my songs of praise, talked to God a bit, and then was still.  Was there something He wanted to show me?  Apparently not, but I did notice I had a lot more peace on the inside as I look to myself to realize this is all within me.  I grabbed my Bible, finished my assignment for today, prayed for a bit on the swing in my backyard right next to the forest. I felt better, deciding there will be days as today.  It’s all part of the emptying out/healing process of a journey.  Ups, downs, and stuff in between.

I came in.  Dell wanted to go get something to eat, but it was late, I wasn’t hungry, and yet I knew I should eat something.  I suggested we head to the store, buy some turkey and have a sandwich.  And we did.  He ate in his room, I ate in front of the TV as I watched a quick movie on LMN.  Sometimes watching someone else’s drama is healing in itself.

I’m just now in from the hot tub.  My journal has been written in pieces tonight, as I kept getting interrupted.  I don’t think that matters, except I find myself so tired tonight, there probably isn’t time for proofreading.  Oh well,  my heart is poured out and on some level I feel good to have gotten it out.

And I will head to bed, where I will fall in and pray that tomorrow, those things I was supposed to learn today I did, and tomorrow will find me filling up again……..and my faith renewed as healing continues on.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I am at the grocery store tonight, going on, minding my own business thinking of those things that were making me sad today when suddenly the song “Groovin’” comes on.  I have ALWAYS loved this song, but suddenly I realized it was a Sunday, and somewhere you were out there probably groovin’ with your wife.  For a moment I was sad, but you know what came to me?  Crazy as this sounds, we have to go through this for this is what this life was meant to be made of. I saw two people in my mind’s eye, me and you, in different lives with different people, but one day………….I don’t know when or where, or even if it is in this life, we will be together again and we will completely understand why decisions were made the way they were and why we are where we are today. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so sad.  Bizarre! Huh?  But hey, it happened just as I told you. I smiled, picked up my cream of broccoli soup and went back to thoughts where they were before this illumination hit me.  And I smile when I remember the knowledge that fell over me how one day I’d understand.  I send you love and light.  I’m off to bed now!  Goodnight,  Love, ~Sunshine