It’s sort of late to begin journaling, but just in from the hot tub and a very spiritual time for me, I decided to write a quick entry.

My day was packed after writing earlier this morning.  This upcoming week will be so incredibly busy I had hoped to accomplish more than I actually did today. But I won’t sweat the small stuff. For the first time in a long time I feel as if I had priorities in order and followed those, setting more priorities for tomorrow as well.

I have to work full days until Wednesday where I will only work till 11:00. On Thursday we will take the dogs to “camp” (shhh…..kennel, but we don’t tell them that. We tell them they are going to camp and will get to stay up all night with the other doggies……) Official drop off time is 7:00am SHARP! Then we’ll leave for South Carolina, meeting Chad and the girls in the southern part of the state for him to follow us, or vice versa.   Amy couldn’t get time off work for this quick trip so she will fly in Friday night, missing Joel’s graduation, but coming anyway to celebrate with him.  We will all spend the day in Charleston on Saturday, ending at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for dinner,  a delight for all of us!  Chad especially!  From there Amy and Chad take off for home, Joel and Emma will finalize their plans, Emma flying home Sunday morning and Joel heading out to the camp of which his base will be as he begins his new career.  He will officially be “Chaplin” of a unit at the fort he is stationed.  Emma will finish out teaching for the year, then go to join him in late May.  Their new baby is due the end of June so to say the least, that poor girl is STRETCHED!  I couldn’t begin to explain how impressed I am at how she is handling all this.  She’s really an incredibly strong person. I imagine if you ask her, she’s stronger than she thought she was having lived without Joel since the beginning of January while she was teaching, pregnant and managing a not quite two-year old.  I don’t know that I could have done it.  So as not to digress too much, Dell and I will head out ourselves.  As of now we are headed for Florida, unsure where we will light, but I am sure it will be on a beach somewhere.  I feel adventurous and incredibly free-spirited for this trip, having NO clue where it is I am headed!  The spirit will guide, which these days I am finding incredibly exciting to head out without knowing where I’m going. 

The past few days I have been incredibly addicted to working out, much as I haven’t wanted to.  Yesterday morning (Saturday), I had awakened at 6:00am, even tho it was Saturday!  I had missed the Bible Reading the day before due to arriving home so late from the city, so I got up, caught up on the day before, then headed to the pool. I was in the water incredibly early, but I am finding I like early morning workouts!  As I got out of the car I felt so tired so I reminded God,  “When I am weak you are strong,  your turn!”  I sort of chuckled and headed in. I worked extra hard!  When I was through I realized He truly had given me strength.  Today was no different. I didn’t make it there till 4:00 this afternoon, of which it would have been so easy to forget it today, but I am determined in this.  I had lost 7#s this morning, so that was incentive to keep going!  I am swimming a whole lot of laps now, having built myself up once again. I jog in the pool back and forth for 40 minutes, then I swim laps for 10, then I do exercises on the arms and abs. I’m up to almost an hour in the pool.  And you know what?  The fibromyalgia is slowly going away!  I don’t hurt NEAR as bad as I did in January!  All I hear that Rheumatologist say to me is “It’s going to hurt like hell, but do it anyway!”  And it did!  There were days I thought I was nuts to keep doing it, but now, I believe I have once again gotten through it.  For that I am so grateful!

God and I had a special, special time in the hot tub tonight. Is there anything as special as sitting under the stars and talking to Him?  I guess most don’t understand this reading the Bible in 90 days as I am, but the truth is when I do, I get SO close to God.  Reading the Bible isn’t what the world would have most believe.  There’s almost condemnation for those that trust a book they say is old and contradicts itself, and is a book of myth, but I learned a long time ago it’s a magical book!  Like the stars above it goes on forever.  Remember those pictures that came out in the 80s?  If you stared at them you could see into it and see a whole scene?  That’s like the Bible!  It’s filled with the most incredible mystery when you begin to read it, you see things that are way beyond what you are reading.  And once again I digress, so back to my point, when I read it, I grow SO close to God!  Tonight as I was sitting in the hot tub I remembered His analogy with me the other day about how prayer was simply calling home to talk with Him.  So I made it a phone call to Him tonight.  It was so awesome!  For the first time in a LONG time He spoke so clearly to me.  Okay, so most wouldn’t understand that either……………..so how can I explain it?  In the early 90s when I first really began understanding prayer, I would sit and talk to God, read the Bible, then I’d be through, get up and go about whatever I was doing.  One day God spoke to me, and when I say spoke, it’s not audible, it’s this gentle, quiet voice within you. I’m not sure how I recognized it to be His voice that day because it often sounds like you’re  talking to yourself on the inside, but I knew……and He said,  “Excuse me, can I talk to you now?  I always listen to you and I’d like for you to listen to me.”  Wow!  I sat back down and became very quiet. I felt He was leading me to get a notebook and write what He was saying, so I did.  I simply wrote out all He told me, and that began a journal of personal words from Him that grew to 2 notebooks, then 3.  To this day I will often do this.  But tonight, I was in the hot tub and didn’t have access to a notebook.  I guess there wasn’t time to go get the notebook as He wanted to talk, so I listened and the words remain within me, that of which He told me tonight.  For the most part I keep these to myself, tho there are some I will use in the book.  Tonight’s was sweet and a gentle reminder that I fall, like yesterday when I was so upset, I fell, but in time, He lifts me back up.  Tonight I am feeling so incredibly filled with love and the knowing that He continues to promise me He has wonderful plans for my life.  Perhaps those wonderful plans are being lived out today, but I’m so busy looking for what is to come that I miss what is here now.  Pretty deep, huh?

And with that it is well after 11:00 and I need to head to bed.  A big week coming up, and then I will find myself on a beach, somewhere. I like thinking tonight that I am heading there this spiritually filled up!  When I am there I always grow so much because I am more than sure God lives on the beach!  LOL, of course He lives everywhere, but it seems I find Him most when I am near the water’s edge, standing on the ocean shore………………….or perhaps, that is where I find me.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Lots of prayers for you, for me, for understanding, and all I know and am reminded is I must trust the love.  So I will.  We’re in such different worlds, if you are really here it is sure one heck of a miracle…………and you know, I still believe it is you, even if I can’t make it make sense, I’m not sure it has to, because it just is.  And in that “is” is a whole lot of love from God above.  For you, for me.  I’m think I’m just really starting to understand that love isn’t what I thought it was…………it’s SO much bigger.  I send you love and light and the goodness of all that is.  Be so very blessed my special someone out there, somewhere living the life you are meant to live.  Goodnight,  Love~Sunshine

Good morning.  Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I’m at a place at the moment where I feel so uninspired.  I guess I feel this way for a lot of reasons. Of course my 90-day Read the Bible Program I am on is taking quite a lot of time too, but with the frame of mind I am in, I can’t help but wonder if God didn’t call me to do this a week before I would question this journey I am on the way I am.  I find that this Bible reading is more or less in fact helping me to see things in a different way than what my “human” side has been taught to see. Reality vs. spiritual! Isn’t that always the way?

I’ve also been really busy with my job.  You know, the part-time job that was to give me plenty of time to work on my book?  But that’s not me. I will always give my heart 100% to anything I do.  My boss has more or less needed me most of the last week. I worked Thursday, my normal day off, with a huge project that was going to be tough.  I actually woke up at 4:00am that morning and prayed, “Lord, I don’t know how to do this!”  Did answers come?  Not at 4:00am, but by the time I sat down at work at 7:00am, it all fell together.  Sometimes I love how God answers prayer……..not before, and not after, but RIGHT when you need it. I think that’s how our faith grows, in a simple trust that when we need Him, He’ll be there.

Then Friday my boss was presenting at a HUGE national conference in the city. She wanted a guest presenter to co-present with her, enter my newest friend I will just call, “I”.  Because “I” is from the Philippines, she doesn’t drive, so she had no way to get to the city.  My boss was staying in the city and all the others in my office were working at the conference as well.  Knowing my boss needed me I went to her and said, “Hey, if you give me an extra day of vacation, I’ll drive her there for you.”  Long story short, I will be off beginning Thursday of this coming week and off the whole next week, not returning to work until April 13.  I was more than happy to trade for this as it will mean I will have tons of beach time now!  (And beach time I need!)  Again, I love how God works!  The university provided me with a brand new car.  “I” and I hit it off IMMEDIATELY, even if she is only 30-years old, we became instant friends.  She too is a writer, she too is a lover of the Lord, and she too see things beyond the reality of the world.  Our conversation sped us to the city and we were there before I knew it!  The love in that car of the Father was so strong, I felt as if this was something I was meant to do. 

When we arrived at the Marriott, where the conference was being held, my boss had made arrangements for valet parking.  Because the name of the university was on the side of the car, two bellhops ran out, opened our car doors, welcomed us to the Marriott, and basically treated us like we were royalty.  Both “I” and I decided we could in fact get use to this sort of lifestyle.

The conference was awesome, it truly was. I sat through half of the presentation my boss and “I” did, acting as official photographer, something I adore doing.  Afterwards, we visited all the booths, gathered all the free stuff we could, laughed, talked, and had one heck of a time!  That part of the job I do love.  I sort of looked around at where I was, as I was mingling with a guy I know from the Lt. Governor’s office, and I thought to myself, for a part-time job, it’s sure led to some bigger things.  Reminding me yet this morning that perhaps what seems so incomplete today is really leading to bigger things I just can’t see.  “Yet.”

With lack of sleep tho those couple of nights, and all the hustle and bustle of the city, I fell into bed by 9:30pm Friday night and slept the whole night through.  I had been so blessed by “I”.  So much in common, even at the age difference, it amazes me that how when you love the Lord, there is such a common denominator.

Yesterday was my daughter’s 32 birthday.  We all had plans to head to the city to eat at our favorite restaurant, “The Journey.”  Yup! That truly is the name of the restaurant and yes, it is Amy’s and my favorite!  There were 18 of us in total with Chad’s family, and Jason and Susie.  They gave us a board room, which wasn’t all that great for me.  Vicki, Chad’s mom and I were stuck at the very end of the table against a wall which was VERY hard for us to get out.  But rather than grumble, I decided it was a blessing. I really didn’t need a 2^nd trip to the buffet! *laughs*  It was a nice time, but we didn’t get home till well after midnight.  I slept this morning till 9:00am.  I guess I am still catching up on sleep. I’m so glad I will have some time off and away from home later in the week.

So now, my story on how the heart breaks and what it’s all about and where I go from here.  I always think I’m okay with this soul mate journey thing. I accept things that are, and think I let go of things that aren’t, and yet it seems there is always one more test for me to go through in the this learning process of holding on and letting go and trusting and questioning and everything this journey has brought to my life.  Enter yesterday and my non-ending need to try to “figure” the journey out, as well as this need to “touch” the one I have deemed “Soul Mate-Twin Soul.”   I went to his site, something I really don’t do that often anymore, I guess to see if he had anything to say, as he has recently began blogging himself. Since I’ve fallen really believed all this time he reads my journals, I feel it appropriate I read his.  It’s a touch, right? Yesterday, he had in fact updated his blog!  I got to watch an interview of him with some old friend, of which I was very pleased to watch as I see that he is very happy right now.  He looks whole and healthy and good.  As I scrolled down the page I saw some photos from his recent tour with radio hosts, old friends etc.  Then I came across one with a couple old friends as well as his wife in the photo.  It was the first time I had seen what she looked like.  I was surprised what my reaction was. I am also surprised how much this has haunted me on a spiritual level.  My first reaction was how beautiful she is, of which she is!  She is quite a bit younger than I am, but what I noticed about her is she really truly does look like a very nice person.  She has a glow about her that I would say is not false in anyway. I for sure would not take her as a groupie type, nor a party girl.  I guess sometimes photos can be deceiving, but she looks genuine and sweet.  I believe she has probably been really, really good for Soul Mate.  Of course I felt all sorts of threatened in my own being of who I am.  She is younger, thinner, well, any female reading this will know what I mean.  I felt happy for him as I decided I had finally found what I was looking for which was to know who she was.  This never-ending quest to try to understand  story that makes no sense.  I also laughed to myself,  she reminds me of Donny Osmond’s wife! My heartthrob of so long ago!  Is there  a secret meaning in this I wondered? *laughs*

I turned it off.  I did all that I had to do before leaving for Amy’s in the city late yesterday afternoon, and tried to be normal.  But normal didn’t come.  What was my problem?  I decided that for so long I dreamed to be where she is, it finally felt the end of the dream.  Really, the end of the dream.  Then I began to question if “ANY” of this was real?  What had I been thinking for 8 years?  Why the visions and dreams?  I was almost mad at God for awhile.  “I just don’t understand Lord!  Why did you give me all those visions, and prophetic dreams?  Do I not hear from you? Have I been deceived?”  Oh how sad it can be when we rant and rave with God! Our Father who has this perfect plan for our lives!  Yet, when we don’t understand and try to make things fit “OUR” way, we question Him!  What a battle it was within.  I decided there is NO WAY AOL is him!  Leading me to who is AOL then?  This AOL hit that has been with me since 2 weeks after I sent him that letter telling him of my new on-line journal, after he had read my old journal so faithfully for a year, I felt he needed to touch my heart as much as I do in my new journal too!  After all, I write so much of the time for him! And this has been now almost 4-years of constant reading!  WHO is AOL!  How could it be him?  I was so angry, not with anyone but myself, and probably God.  How patient and merciful, and gentle our Father in heaven is.  I took a look at how I was acting which reminded me of my kids when I wouldn’t allow them to do something they wanted as kids for their own safety.  For instance when Amy was 13 or 14, some of her friends would get dropped off at the mall and picked up 2 or 3 hours later.  But Amy wasn’t allowed to.  For me it was a safety issue as I didn’t believe at 13 she should be hanging around a mall without adult supervision! I was the most horrible mom in the world back then!  Over-protective, etc.  Well, I sense that’s how I was being with God (my heaven father) yesterday.  Complaining because I’m not where “I” want to be!

We drove to the city, I read my Bible on the way there, surely He’d give me reasons why things didn’t turn out the way I had dreamed they would!  In a round-about way of faith, I did find peace.  Some of the greatest Bible stories are of those that found themselves NOT where they wanted to be, and some of those places were what I would call “hell” on earth, but while they were there, God was actually preparing them for some pretty major things coming later in their lives.  We’re not on this earthy of dreams to come true, we’re on this earth to learn some really important lessons.  Yes, dreams sometimes do come true, but then sometimes, things happen that we might think are dreams, but they’re not for the now, there for another time, another place, another reason.

I was able to escape all this mental torment and bickering with my Father in heaven while with Amy and the grandkids last night.  But the second we got in the car to drive home, it all hit me again, that 2^nd wave of sorrow and disappointment. But this time I didn’t complain to the Father. I simply asked Him to forgive me for my selfishness, and to help me understand peace in the storm.  This morning, I continue to have a lot of peace to believe everything is temporal and that no one knows what the tomorrows will hold. Through this latest spiritual battle of not understanding,  God did whisper one secret to me,  “My child, you have not been free to make “YOUR” dream a reality.”  And you know, He was right.  I have made choices along this journey myself.  I never felt it would be right to leave Dell to follow a dream.  Dell is a very good friend to me, the best anyone could ask for.  It wouldn’t have been right to abandon a friend to follow a dream that might in the end become a nightmare.  No matter how much my heart longed to be with the one I called Soul Mate, and believe me it did hut so much sometimes there were nights a few years after we met I would sit at the side of my bed and weep! Yet I always knew, my number one love was my Father in heaven, and no matter what, I would follow what He put in my heart.  And in my heart, He never released me to go and follow the dream.  And He still hasn’t.  The most I could do was write.  Simply reach out to the one I called Soul Mate, God’s plan for me to reach into his world without breaking the rules.  I could love from the distance, but for now, I was not meant to go into his world.  Obviously, his wife was meant to and even tho that tears me up on the inside, because it was my dream, I honor that and her and this morning will tell you, I think he has been very blessed to find her.  She truly does look like a very special person.

I think because I have SO many new readers here, I would like to share my story so that everyone understands that this did not come about by me watching him perform, or because of his celebrity status.  As those that read the story will understand, it was divine providence, it truly was a story of two people meeting on a journey.  This is an excerpt from the book I am writing. Of course the book will go into much further detail, many chapters have been added that have not been updated, but it shares the beginning of the journey and through the first 4 years.  Here is the link for those interested in reading, “On The Journey Of Faith, The Story:

sunshinesmiles276.bravehost.com

 Go to the link that says On The Journey of Faith Chapter One,  Chapter Two, etc.

And with that, I will begin my very busy Sunday!  I have SO much to do today! I am working Monday and Tuesday all day this week, then half a day on Wednesday so that I can get my 20 hours in this week before we leave, so today will find me cleaning, laundry, working out in the pool, tanning, paying bills, and a PACKED day!  So I must begin.  And my spirit is renewed and I am filled with hope and joy that my journey of faith is truly an exciting adventure, even tho there are a lot of heartbreaks along the way too…………I know that this thing with Soul Mate really isn’t over.  It’s just on hold while we are both living our lives where they are meant to be, and one day, our paths will meet again as I will always believe we give to one another a gift that no one else would have given us.  That is “IF” he is AOL, and is as much a part of this journey as I am.  But then only he knows the answer to that, and for me it needs to continue being a journey of faith.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Have a beautiful day!

Sunshine

Have a beautiful day Soul Mate:  What a journey it continues to be. I can see how happy you look right now and tho for a day it was really hard for me to take, once again I am reminded that love is not envious and does not demand its own way.   You have found love in your life and as a soul connection, I am seeing I must rejoice for that with you.   I don’t know if you are really here, I only know in the spirit I am told to keep believing, for so many more reasons than a romantic-type relationship, and in the end, romance always fades away, but real love doesn’t.  If you’re here, thanks for walking through the journey of faith with me as it might be we are both learning what real love is. And that to me is so very awesome. I send you and your wife love and light and the best wishes for so many things.  Have a beautiful day!