I have just a few moments to write before I go to the next event, which tonight happens to be a game at the university of which I work.  Dell got tickets at work, really good tickets I might add, and asked me if I’d go. So it’s not really what I would call a night of fun or enjoyment from my standpoint, but I’m paying penitence I feel.

Why penitence?  I’m going through something emotional.  When I go through something emotional Dell pretty much takes the blunt of it.  I really believe in my heart I have forgiven for a lot of things (not that he needs forgiveness), but when life seems to be caving in around me, it is he I blame. Like a broken record over and over I go back to he is the culprit of all my disparity.  It goes back to being married too young and he never letting go when I have tried time and time again to let go, he refuses.  I think that’s probably an admirable thing, and really, according to God’s word Dell has the right concept. I just think it’s me that lacks the understanding or perhaps I feel as if I’ve never been able to move on since that day of wedded bliss, or so the story goes.

After the battle wounds have been heaped by me, I realize how much I still have to grow in this life when it comes to faith, and trust, and unselfishness and all those things. I tell him I’m sorry. I am.  It’s almost as my friend Jane says tho,  “He just has never seen into your heart.  He doesn’t understand you.”  I’m so glad she tells me these things, as she’s been around for over 25 years to see what is and isn’t.  She makes me think perhaps it is more than my selfish desires to be someplace I’m not. To feel as if I’ve got to live some sort of life…………….and she makes me realize perhaps she is right and it’s not all me.  What deep thoughts for a tired soul.

What set me off this time?  Sometimes I just feel as if I can’t take one more day! I want to move on, I want to go!  Somewhere!!  So I think I need to sell this place and then find a new place closer to my kids where I can cook and entertain and everyone will come to visit because I’m not 70 miles away anymore.  Surely a new house somewhere different than here would bring me happiness! But at the moment I wonder if that’s not just some sort of Band Aid?  To hide what’s really in me?  Happiness will never be found in houses, or cars, or jobs, or material things…………….

The latest realtor who showed us the log cabin last week finally called me yesterday.  “You’re not going to believe this!” (“Try me” said a cynical me under my breath) “They’ve already had an offer on that house! And it’s almost full asking price!”  As if to be in my face that I was wrong about the price or something.  “That’s great!  I’m surprised………….I hope they have a lot down because a bank is never going to lend that atrocious amount.” I said through almost some sort of defying laughter.  He couldn’t help but agree with me, he knew the truth.  “Of course it doesn’t mean it’s going to go through just because they got on offer!”  “Uh huh.”  I said, thinking of all the other houses I’ve found, liked, wanted, only to have the door slammed in my face.  “Hey, if it’s meant to be nothing will stop it, and if it isn’t meant to be, nothing will make it be.”

And I felt that way. 

When Dell got home I gave the news to him.  “I guess this wasn’t the one I keep seeing.” I told him as I explained there was already an offer.  “You okay?’ He asked, probably half afraid I may go hormonal on him again.  ME: “I will be if you take me to ******* (my favorite craft store) and buy me that chandelier I want so desperately.”  After all my emotional breakdowns as of late he figured he ought to do this.  I’ve LOVED this chandelier for a very long time. My favorite country/rustic/craft store had called me a couple weeks ago and told me they’d give me a discount because I’m such a good customer.  Normally I’d wait for their sale, but they took pity on me, and realized that I am one of their best customers!  So I lost the log cabin (maybe) but gained the neatest, neatest chandelier.  And when I sell, you can bet it will be in the disclosure this does NOT stay!  It goes with me wherever I may go!

And now it’s 4:20pm.  I must get ready to go to the game tonight. I really should freshen my makeup and hair because where these seats are located I might be on TV! *LAUGHS*  No, it’s not a big deal like when I was on “The Price Is Right”, but you just never know who might be watching!  LOL, Soul Mate?  Nahhh………….he’s out on the road tonight, somewhere………..

So I will close and write more when I get home from the game.  In closing can I admit something I shouldn’t tho?  I miss him.  Soul Mate.  I can deny it all I want to and be as brave as I can be and list all the reasons I shouldn’t and can’t feel what I do, but in the end, like one big circle, I still feel it. I miss him.

More when I get home………………

10:45pm

I’m home now.  Our team lost.  I hadn’t been to a University game in quite awhile. I guess I can say I had fun.  Donna that I used to work with and is one of my core friends was there so we sat and talked before the game began.  Then I had to get back to my seat which was awesome!  We were 12 seats up from the floor.  It appeared to be a sold out crowd, which would be 14,000 or above.  I never see things normal anymore. I see beyond, if that makes sense.  Perhaps I was feeling a bit beyond when I went as I continue to seek truth.  Always seeking truth.  I left after observing SO many people with one question, why do some people have such airs?  What makes someone think they are better than another?  Not that anyone did anything to me personally per say, it’s just a spirit I see around some people.  And I feel sad, but sometimes I feel judgmental too, making me no better than that of which I am judging.

It’s been a day of happenings.  Jason called late this afternoon, they had to put Elizabeth in the hospital today.  She is jaundiced and they are concerned about infection.  I asked Jason if he wanted me to come to the city to help out, of which he didn’t.  There’s really nothing I can do, so we call him every few hours for any updates.  This is so sad for me.  The poor little thing is just 2-weeks old today.  Then Chad text messaged me earlier,  “I’m not going to Afghanistan now.”  He was already to go, supposed to leave Saturday morning,  and it suddenly got cancelled because someone screwed his paperwork up.  Some things I don’t believe are accidents, I believe this was divine intervention for a reason. 

I worked today. We have a new staff member who has been around on and off since I’ve worked there, he’s just now on the same schedule I am. I love, “M!”  He just turned 33 on Monday (a fellow Pisces) and is soon to be engaged.  He’s from LA, but going to the university working on his PhD.  We’ve often had many a political discussion, being polar opposites on the subject!  Even tho I hold so many convictions in my own heart of where politics are today, I don’t push those thoughts on anyone, I simply want to understand how someone thinks so differently than I do, thus “M” and I get in some pretty heated discussions sometimes, but always, ALWAYS coming back to our common denominator, which is Jesus.  We both have this incredible love for the Lord.

Today’s discussion, as only “M” and I were in the office today, was centered around his getting ready to propose to his fiancée.  This led us to the discussion of love and romance and a man’s point of view.  Eventually we talked about the book I am writing as I began to tell him the story. Only this time, I didn’t tell him it was my story, I simply told him it was based on true events, but it is a culmination of many stories.  As I began to tell him about a rock star that meets a simple woman.  She’s in a loveless marriage, and the rock star is so upset because he knows she’s not happy.  Fate brought them together, they met, it’s instant connection, they’re able to see one another a few more times, never really getting to know one another, but all the same this feeling that they have always known one another!  Regardless, she just can’t seem to leave where she is, no matter how much she wants to be with him, so she writes him every night of her life so he knows how much her heart yearns, and he reads her stuff every day………and then one day, he gets married.  By now “M” is completely engrossed with my book as I myself realize what a powerful story this is!  So now I tell “M,”  “Help me here, this is where I don’t know what to do with the book!  How do I explain to the “reader” why he reads her stuff when he married another? How do I explain to the reader how she can’t get over him tho she knows she should, and why would he continues to read her words to him, even tho he married?”  “Wow!  I want to read this book!” “M” says so deeply touched by the complication of it all.  He began to tell me exactly how he’d feel and what he thought that this guy must be feeling for this woman he can never have, or it feels to him.  She’s never going to make changes in his mind so he has to go live his life as best he can, but he can’t really let go of the one that touches his soul. He dreams of this woman in ways she can’t know……………but he has to live!  He has to experience in real life all this love he feels and he met someone who touched him enough to make it the next best thing.”  You have to understand “M”!  He is the most soft-spoken, charismatic guy who is a true “Pisces” at heart.  He is so touched!  “Whatever you do, you can’t stop writing to him and being there for him!”  He said, speaking of the book.  “No, that can never happen because those two share something so special…………..” He’s so into it by now he’s just begging me to not have the story go so that she disappears on the guy so far away.  So where do I go with the book now?  I asked him.  “I don’t know, but you must not have her give up on him, because he obviously never gave up on her!” He pauses,  “I can’t wait to read it!”  He said to me as he continued,  “And you know, you never know what may happen, but I’d guess these two people will end up together one day, even if it is when they are on the other side, they will be together!  It just has to be in God’s timing.”  I thanked him for helping me with this beautiful story I am writing, and he thanked me for sharing as he told me this would be a book he couldn’t put down.  I then realize he has inspired me.  It’s okay to feel what I do in my heart.  He’ll never know that his heart-felt answers as he seemingly was feeling the pain that this man so far away must be feeling for the married woman, was me, and that as he opened his heart to say what he felt,  was in actuality freeing me to open my own heart and realize it is okay that I still feel everything I always did, as I realized I’ve been denying it lately.

That set the rest of the day to look at things differently in life again.

Sometimes I am SO hard on myself feeling as if I feel things I shouldn’t, and trying so hard to be so freaking realistic when the truth is, I am NOT a realistic type person. I tend to see beyond and believe more in things not seen, but at the same time trying to force myself to be more “realistic.”  It’s a battle I wage continually on my journey.

But God is near.  Always near!  The other day in the pool I was talking to Him and remembering how He is the Potter, I am merely clay.  Then I remembered the Bible talks about some pieces of clay turn out to be “everyday” dishes.  Something you use every day and don’t worry too much about it, but then there are those “SPECIAL” dishes!  The ones you pull out for special company, the ones that are delicate and designed a little bit more than everyday dishes.  So I said to God, “I really want you to mold me to be the special dishes, the type that is used for special things.”  I started thinking this afternoon that the past few days have REALLY been a challenge for me emotionally!  Tonight I think I am seeing that perhaps, He took me at my word and there’s a lot more intricate work to be done in order to be refined into the “special” dish used for special things?  Or perhaps, I’m just growing and learning all that I must need to learn while on this journey of life.

And I shall.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I love to tell the story of you and me. Or perhaps it’s just me, but nah, it’s as much about you too.  There is so much beauty in this incredibly crazy experience of you!  Somewhere along the way it truly did become the most beautiful spiritual connection.  Remember when you wrote to me that we “connect” in such a short time?  It’s amazing how long it’s actually been now, because we are truly special to one another.  If I could give you one gift, the one I would give you is to assure you that God’s love for you is the most real thing you could ever know……………………………..I know, I feel it flow through me every time I close my eyes to see your face.  Perhaps I could never leave where I was because what it is we share, you and I, this spiritual connection needed to be left there for a long time, until the day the stars all align and well, you know!  Till then I will pray for you every day of my life that you are filled with beauty and peace, joy and happiness, and always a bit of a memory of me, for here I will be, sending you love and light.  Always and forever I will be.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine