Why do Sunday nights seem to come so quickly? 

I’ve had a very slow weekend.  A lot of time alone and a lot of quiet time.  Time with Pete and Lilly at my feet.  With all this free time how come I didn’t accomplish some of the things I wanted to?

I continue to try to understand what it is I am supposed to do.  Sell, not sell?  Go, not go?  Stay, not stay?  I pray about it all the time and continue to hear the same thing,  “Be patient my child.”  But I’ve been patient for SOOOOOOOOO long I want to scream back.  But I don’t.  One day at a time. I remind myself of this all the time.

I was up and in the pool by 10:15am.  Remember that would have been 9:15am had we not, “sprung forward!”  *rolls eyes*  I went to bed really late, almost 2:00am, but it was really 1:00am (spring ahead confusion again). My goal was to see my computer turn time on it’s own, but I didn’t make it. I fell sound asleep and just couldn’t do it. Guess I’ll have to try again when we “fall back” in the fall.  But I don’t want to think about that because fall means summer is over and I SO desperately NEED summer at the moment!   So being in the pool at 10:15am was actually pretty early.

Dell and I continued to work on projects for the house.  The latest thing he is working on is an old, absolutely looks like junk cabinet my dad had from his old store.  It’s SO distressed, but that’s what I LOVE!  So Dell has cleaned it up, restored some of it, now my job is to paint it and then distress it so the original distress comes out.  Sounds complicated, but is actually going to be cool when done.  I think we have too many projects going on at the moment, which seems to be some sort of “band aide” as I try to figure out what the next step is going to be. So Dell and I did some errands finding things he needed for the cabinet as I try to busy myself with things to make life work at the time being.

Speaking of next steps!  As I said I fell sound asleep last night waiting for the computer to change.  I finally got up and climbed in bed.  As I did I had the STRONGEST vision before I fell to sleep. Once again I saw the brown house (I do believe it is log) more clear than I ever have, only this time I got to go inside and see the inside.  I wish I could describe it, but in visions, I can see them so clear, but putting into words what I have seen is the tough part.  I wish I could draw the floor plan, but I’m not good at drawing.  It was so clear!  I told Dell today I just didn’t get it! Perhaps this was the house I have in heaven or something?  He never responded.  Interesting enough I know I dreamt of Soul Mate during the night too……………I can feel it, sometimes quick glimpses come to me, but I can’t remember what it was.  It obviously was a busy night last night! *smiles*

We’ve had severe weather here all day. Thunderstorms, lightning, thunder.  We were under a tornado watch most of the day. I had run into Target to get some groceries and was doing my thing when Dell called my cell phone,  “Sunshine, the tornado sirens are going off!  Where are you?”  It can be a bit frightening to be in a store and have this happen.  I said back to him, “The tornado sirens are going off?  What am I supposed to do?”  When I said it I looked up to see a mom and teen aged daughter standing next to me.  I heard the teenager say, “Mom, what are we supposed to do?”  The mom came up and asked me about it,  “Did you say the Tornado alarms are going off?”  I shook my head and said, “Yeah, my husband just called to tell me.”  The mom then said,  “Are you from here?”  And I said, “Yes, I am.”  She said, “We’re from California and we don’t know what to do?”  I heard a beep on the overhead and I said, “They’re probably going to tell us to take shelter now.”  But nothing happened.  The poor teenager was scared to death!  “Mom!  I’m scared.”  The mom was trying to keep her calm, so I said, “Honey, it’s going to be okay!  Look, I’m going to go on shopping and I’m from here and have been through tornados before.  Honest, it will be okay.”  She was SO frightened!   Her mom explained they were here looking at the university for her daughter to possibly go to school.  I tried to calm her down, but admit I was a bit nervous myself.  We ran into one another again a few minutes later where we could see outside.  The sun was already coming out.  “See!  It’s all blown over now!  It happens all the time, the storms move through and then out.  Probably someone spotted a funnel cloud and it wasn’t even a tornado at all.”  The girl by now had calmed down.  As I walked out I thought of my many trips to LA.  If there would have EVER been an earthquake I would have freaked out about as bad as this teenager was freaking out about a tornado!  Once again I thought about the fact we really don’t know what may happen moments away, and for a moment sometimes we cross paths with people who will help us if only for a moment share a word of encouragement or peace.

That was about the most exciting part of my day today!

Tonight I succumbed  to watching some TV. I have pushed hard the decorating and house cleaning this weekend and I just wanted to be still and rest. “Lifetime” called!  I watched a couple really GREAT movies. I judge the good ones by whether I cry of not, and I cried in each movie, one I cried more than once so that ranks these shows OUTSTANDING!  Gesh, is that pathetic or what?

And with that, still tired from my late night last night, early rising, and early-morning (sort of) swim I will head to bed.  Work all day tomorrow, and a new week of which I really don’t have many plans.  Perhaps I will be able to accomplish a lot of goals I hope to this week.   Mostly I am really needing to get in some spiritual time.  I get really hungry if I go too long without the bread of life.  Yeah, that’s my goal for the week.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  One more time I survived and didn’t die of broken heart knowing you were so close to me!  As a matter of fact you had to drive through the northern-most part of my state to get to where you were going next, WHICH, BTW is RIGHT in Elizabeth’s neck of the woods!  Another show I thought possible to go to, even if it was on a Sunday night.  So close, and yet so far………………*sighs*  I tell myself it will be alright tho.   Did I ever admit I wish I was her?  I know you will be going home now and I tend to romanticize what that would be like.  But that’s not what this is, this is something I can’t explain.  Spiritual………….it is the most incredible spiritual connection of which understanding is defied. How I wish words could explain it, but all these years later they still don’t. I just know it is and I am and you are and all these puzzle pieces continue to be collected, I just still don’t have enough of the pieces to totally “get it.”  So I will walk in faith, let it be, hold on while letting go and all those things I have done for so long to continue the “dance.”  With you.  I send you love and light as you once again will travel all those miles away from where I am, to where you live.  Home.  Or do you feel like I do, and home is where……………well, never mind, you have to find where home is in your heart, as I know where it is in mine. Do you think one day you could arrange to play in “my” city?  I promise, I’d be there for that! J  Perhaps, one day…………….perhaps.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

This is the first Saturday in I don’t know how long I had absolutely no plans!  I slept in, I took my time this morning doing nothing.  Nothing is not good, but I think sometimes it is.

I know I didn’t write last night.  Dell and I headed to his home town as I wanted to finish my sun porch windows with my latest vision.  *laughs*  I decided to put a valance up on each window and have Dell build the inside shutters, similar to the ones we designed in my kitchen.  I had seen a valance I loved at this store when Jane and I had been there the day before.  I never realized it, but Dell LOVES to go to these stores with me. In his own way he is quite creative, and he enjoys shopping at these stores as much as I do. He was excited to go when I asked him if we could when he got home early from work.  When I told him my vision, he thought it was great!

He asked if we could stop by his oldest brother’s house when we were through.  His brother is a lot older than I.  Actually Dell’s nephew is only 6 years younger than me, so I feel closer to the nieces/nephews than his actual brother.   I agreed to go if we could go to eat at one of my favorite restaurants in another town north of Dell’s hometown.  It all seemed like a great way to spend a Friday night.  Especially considering this was going to be a sort of rough weekend for me anyway, but more on that later.

When we got to my 2^nd favorite country/rustic store, I took Dell right to where I had found the valance I loved.  Only, there were only 2 of them and I would have needed 6.  It wasn’t going to work.  The shop owner, who I swear Jane and I have kept in business this winter, kept trying to sell me others.  But none of them felt right, or seemed to be what I was looking for.  I decided to come back to town and try my favorite store today.

Then it was to Dell’s brother’s house.

This is the same brother where we had visited about 7 years ago.  I’m not sure what got into me that night, but I remember watching him and realizing how slow-moving he was!  Old before his time, or so I see in my mind, and I began seeing myself (with Dell) in about 10 years!  I FREAKED OUT!  I felt as if someone had put hands around my throat and were strangling me! I left that house that night wanting to run………in a panic!  I hadn’t gone back until last night.  I’ve grown a lot since then, seeing things a whole lot different these days, so I hoped I’d be okay.  Dell and his bro sat near his computer, and my sister-in-law and I took off for another room.  My sister-in-law is probably 20 years older than I.  We made small talk about kids, grandkids, health issues, and before I knew it, she was pouring her heart out to me of some stuff she is REALLY unhappy with in her life!  What do you do when you wake up and find you’re unhappy and 70-years old?  Do you like…..just wait to die then?  So much of what she was saying I so understood!  After all, they are brothers!  But I’ve learned not to complain.  I just didn’t want to feel as if those hands were around my throat again as I saw myself in 20 years!

Somewhere in the conversation she began telling me of Dell’s childhood.  After all, Dell was only 7 when they got married so she does know so much of what I don’t.  It was so sad the things I heard!  It made me feel so horrible, because he really didn’t have a good childhood.  What’s amazing to me is I can say a lot of things about Dell from my standpoint, (which is often selfish) but there is one thing I can NEVER, EVER say negative about Dell and that is what an awesome father he was to our kids!  I will tell people he was a much better dad than I was mom!  And he was!  When my sister-in-law relives the childhood Dell had I realize how much he has overcome to be the father he was.  Funny, I didn’t feel the hands on my throat as I left there last night.  I left there feeling really sorry for Dell, and realizing how much he has overcome in his life for where he came from in his early days. 

And briefly I remembered what that “Seer” I went to see when I was 16 told me. She said to me;  “You will be married twice.  The first marriage will be out of pity.  You will have 3 children and not be happy.  You will finally marry a 2^nd time and you and he will be so incredibly happy, but it will be a long road to get to him.” (This “Seer” was a friend’s grandma who was 70+. She didn’t read cards, or any of that! She simply closed her eyes and would speak what she’d see.  My friend had told me her grandma had a gift. This lady told me a lot of other things that day as well, and they were all very accurate.)

All these thoughts just led me back to one simple truth…………….I really don’t have it all figured out.

After leaving Dell’s brother’s house, we went to dinner.  Not the restaurant I had hoped to go to, but one that I really like anyway.   I let Dell tell me about his childhood.  He admitted things to me that he never had in 33 years.  I told him I admired how he had come through it all.  And I do.

On the way home I called Elizabeth. (My soul mate friend, not to be confused with baby Elizabeth.)  She is coming next Friday for my birthday!  I am SUPER excited to see her!  I know it is limited time now before she once again moves far, far away.  I have to cherish the time we do have.  It will be girls night out, with all of our core group once again there, this time to celebrate my birthday.  We talked almost all the drive home, until I hit a dead spot for cell phones. She had said she had a TV show coming on that she didn’t want to miss so I didn’t call her back.  She’ll be here next weekend, so we’ll talk and talk then.

I fell into bed last night, exhausted!  I had taken the dogs to the park in the afternoon and walked them for 30 minutes.  Doesn’t sound like a lot, but for me, with the fibromyalgia, having not walked outside of the pool, not to mention two dogs 80#s each pulling me, it did challenge me.  Yup! I fell into bed.

I’m feeling sort of down this weekend anyway.  This was the weekend about 5 months ago when I learned “he” was going to be close, I had hoped to go see Soul Mate. I was SO serious about it!  As a matter of fact as I write at this moment he is playing where I saw him the last time I saw him which was 4.5 years ago. *sighs*  It’s okay tho, I have to remember everything happens for a reason…….but that doesn’t mean there isn’t somewhere within me this feeling of “disappointment” or the wonder of “what if?”  But I won’t interfere.  I can’t.

I slept in this morning, but when I awakened I was taken back in time to the last time I did see him  where he is playing tonight and how Amy picked me up that Saturday morning.  She was so excited to finally get to meet him!  But I stopped all those thoughts! I can’t hold on to what was or had been, don’t we always have to look ahead?

When Dell finally got up I told him I wanted to go to the country/craft store in town to check out their valances, then we’d go to Menards where we’d get the wood to begin building the shutters too.  I had found another country store yesterday downtown and had seen a couple things I loved there so Dell wanted to go there too!  I’m telling you, he is getting into this as much as I am which I haven’t figured out if that is good or not, but I think it is?  Or perhaps he is doing this thinking if I can just get this house the way I want it I will lose this feeling of wanting to move.  But I think I’d just prefer to think that he is getting in touch with his creative side too.

Off we went.  Craft store shopping, breakfast, lumber shopping.  I did find the PERFECT valances at my favorite store!  With my chandelier purchase this week how much have I spent at that store this week? *shakes head in disbelief* We didn’t fare as well with the lumber.  Long story short Dell has convinced me, and doing the math myself, it will be much cheaper for me to buy him a plainer to cut down the wood, or however that works.  Because his company sells them, we’ll wait to find out if he can buy it cheaper that way.  It was okay.  We got the valances.

And home we came.  After hanging all the valances and another couple things we purchased, Dell disappeared for the night to his shop, and room, and I proceeded to clean house.  And that is how I spent my evening.

Of course I’ve been haunted on and off all night of the thought that I could have seen “him” tonight.  There was even a part of me that thought I could have just gone,  stayed hidden in the audience and he’d never have even known I was there!  But I can’t.  There is NO way I could ever do that.  No!  He has someone in his life now that he must love with all his heart and I will not interfere in that.  Still, I would of just liked to  have seen him.

And my mind still wanders back to the Seer I spoke of earlier.  Who was the man she saw me with finally?  The 2^nd man?  Could it have been?  But I must not think these thoughts.  I have to think that these things tend to work themselves out the way they are meant to be and my job is to simply live life one day at a time with this incredible trust that things always work out the way they are meant to.  Even if I couldn’t go see him tonight.

Now I will head to bed. Tonight is that “spring-ahead” set your clocks forward night!  I really don’t like time changes, but the spring-ahead is worse than the fall- back!  At least in the fall-back thing you gain an extra hour somewhere, vs this getting up an hour earlier when all is said and done.  I swear some things in life make NO sense to me!  Time change is one of those things.  Perhaps it is just one more reminder that I really do need to simply take life one day at a time,  hour by hour, even when you lose one.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:   It hurts, okay?  Knowing that you are this close to me at this moment in time.  That it could have been very possible for me to come see you, if only from a distance.  But I couldn’t.   So I did all those things today I could to try to “touch you.”  Like read your site, where I am reminded all the more I am on the outside looking in.  But I remember for a very long time you have been on the outside looking in too.  Is it as “M” at work said?  You had to live your life so you took the next best thing?  I have finally, after all this time come to believe that.  And you’re still here.  It’s a connection that perhaps will never go away for either of us, will it.  I have come to believe that, and for the most part feel as if I do pretty good most days……..but then there are some days, as today where this is this INTESNSE longing!  To fall in your arms, to scream “NO MORE!”  But I think of the commitments we have now “BOTH” made……………surely if we honor those, one day, heaven will open up to us the most beautiful rewards, somewhere in time.  With all my heart I do believe this. I close my eyes now and send you love and light.  With my eyes closed, I can see you on that stage, with those green curtains, and all those people up on the dance floor, gathering around that stage you once waved at me from and motioned to me to pay attention to that song…………What are you going to do about it?  How about tell you and promise you that I continue to hold you in my heart, pray for you, believe in miracles, and NEVER, EVER lose my faith.  Yes, I can see you at this moment. I wish……………if only wishes could come true.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine