I was up WAY too late last night trying desperately to get my journal up-to-date with the new chapter I suddenly find myself in, although it really isn’t sudden because I had been given a lot of foresight when I was in South Carolina that things had changed.  Driving into Florida I was feeling so free.  Now suddenly after 3 long years I get messages from him?  Except I really don’t think it is he sending me these messages.  Oh, it’s someone that has access to his email account, and that’s all I will say about that.

When the alarm went off this morning I SO struggled to get up, having had a horrible time falling to sleep once I did get in bed.  I was in a stupor. I don’t like when I wake up and don’t feel happy to begin the day.  Just underneath the surface was a wall of tears just waiting to come crashing down.  I knew I had this HUGE project due at work today that from past experience would take me 15 hours!  A project I really didn’t think should have been mine to begin with!  I also felt so sad about the whole soul mate thing.  Of course the worst fears possible run through your mind!  Have I become a joke of some sort?  Why suddenly is “someone” singling me out?  I just don’t believe it’s been him doing it, which hurt all the more!  The tears were just underneath the surface as I thought of these things putting my makeup on, getting dressed, watering the dogs, and fixing breakfast to take to work.

Dell had a late start to his day this morning, so what is normal him being long gone gave way to him making me feel all the more rushed!  That did it. One wrong word from him and the tears began to fall.  “What’s a matter honey?”  He said, feeling like he had done something.  Could anyone not be more innocent at the moment?  But how would I explain it to him?  “You just can’t imagine what is happening at work today!” I began to explain, “And I was up WAY too late and didn’t sleep well at all!”  He sympathized with me.  I got in my car to leave for work and as I drove down the drive way, Dell behind me, I broke down in sobs. 

Rather than doing my daily affirmations, I decided to just talk this out with God, and also to speak all those positive things I believe!  Like when I am weak, He (God) is strong!  That tears shed are good things because we empty out so many important things when we cry, and of course that proverbial faith reminder that all those things that seem so bad are probably islands of opportunity!  Windows of blessings, now opening.  I had a serious talk with God on the drive.  And you know what?  By the time I got to work I had stopped crying and for the most part, the rest of the day I didn’t feel sad at all!  Even with the HUGE project hanging over my head, of which all morning no one got the information to me, I was finding the most incredible strength!   I LOVE how this works!

As far as the soul mate thing goes, I feel as if for years and years I have done nothing but innocently from afar tried to share with him so many honest and true things.  I opened my heart to him, and while I open my heart to a lot of people, never have I done it quite like I did him.  I was trying hard not to be angry, feeling as if I had been so let down by someone I trusted.  Eventually those feelings of being let down subsided, as I realized I am the one that opened myself up for all of this.  I believe so much in so many things beyond what can be seen and I follow an inner leading I know to be God’s gentle leadings.  Surely this has not all been in vain?  During one of my not so strong moments today, I remembered being a teenager at a time I was pretty messed up anyway.  I had a boyfriend who broke up with me. *violin begins to play*  He shortly thereafter found a new girlfriend, and for whatever reason the two of them wanted to always be in my face with their new found love.  It was SO painful back then!  They would call me and ask me to go out with them as a date for my ex-boyfriend’s buddy.  Oh how that hurt! I still remember it! Funny, Jane and I ran into this ex-boyfriend (at least I think it was he) awhile back.  Thank HEAVENS for UNANSWERED prayer! Ewwww……………!  For a moment tho, I felt as if where I am now is so similar  to back then!  I wondered if I was in life’s one big circle!  Nothing under the sun is ever new……………..it just comes around and around.  I was forced to face the pain of those younger days and seemed to come to terms with it. I then looked at my “soul mate journey” and decided I had nothing to feel guilty about. I simply have been sharing my heart with the one I came to believe was my soul mate.  I had simply loved without anything expected in return.  Love is free! I know this because I know what God’s love means to me. I don’t deserve it, but He gives it to me anyway.  By lunch time it was all in perspective and I felt free and continued to remind myself of what the journey has been for.

Now, the huge project hanging over my head was another story!  I had done this a couple weeks ago, working over my 20 hour week to complete the first round of these surveys that needed done.  It took me 5 hours to send out 100!  Now they had increased the next survey to 300!  They wanted them out today!  One of the committee members realized how I had done the job the old fashioned and sent someone my way who could show me an easier way. I am very computer savvy!  Well, most of the time. This time tho, I had not done my homework. The gal led me through where I needed to be, and wah lah!  I had done in 10 minutes, TRIPPLE the amount of what took me 5 hours!  It was a MIRACLE!  And the awesome thing about it is those that are in charge had NO idea I could get this done today!  I received a lot of accolades for my efforts, which in the end weren’t efforts at all!  I just kept thanking God! I felt I had lived a miracle.

I was wiped out, not enough sleep last night, had a headache that wouldn’t quit, but I had experienced the supernatural strength I needed to get through the day. My faith is so growing leaps and bounds through this latest battle of faith!

I’ve been quiet tonight.  Eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, uploading photos on my computer (a HUGE job), and just being quiet.  Shortly I will head to the hot tub and look up at the night sky and ponder the miracles I experienced today.

 And I wonder?  Did I receive some sort of healing when I felt the pain of being a teenager again and getting hurt by someone I once trusted?  It seems all my life those that I opened my heart up to totally seemed to stomp on it in the end.  But I’m not so sure that’s so unusual on this journey of life.  I think we all have gone through those teenager cruelty times.  On the way to work I swore I’d NEVER open my heart up again to anyone!  But tonight I know that’s not me. I will open my heart again, as I believe there is nothing wrong with that.  I followed my heart the past quite a few chapters, and if I had to do it all over again, I would.  Because in the end I know my heart has been pure, and one day when I am judged for some of the things I have done, I will know I loved, and did it freely, with no expectations in return, just because I believed God was leading me to reach out. 

My thought tonight:  Maybe………….giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.  Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.

This new chapter seems to be off to a bit of a rough start!  But that’s okay………….rough starts probably mean the faith is growing, and I think………….that’s what it’s all about.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

~Sunshine

Soul Mate:  I'm quite a bit confused by your latest message. Why?  Oh wait!  Was it even you?  Or does "SOMEONE" have access to your account and is sending me emails?  They have YOUR picture on them so it IS your account.......................

I don't want to be in anyway an interference in your great life you have goin' on.....therefore, I will simply say so long.  As I once said to you,  "So long my friend, my best to you always."  I will always send you love and light.

Let the new chapter begin.  Goodnight~

This is for you: