I’ve had a really good day.  I didn’t get done all those things I hoped to, but I did spend the day in a very “relaxed” sort of way.

I woke up earlier enough to be in the pool and finished with my workout before water aerobics began at 9:00am.  I am amazed at how many laps I am swimming now without having to break.  I was able to put in a meditative “nature” CD this morning. Everyone always says it would put them to sleep, but this music causes me to still my otherwise over-active mind, and to be still and listen to what the Spirit might be saying.  My swim times are usually pretty spiritual anyway, but add the music this morning and wow……………it was an awesome time!  I honestly seem to rise above the earth when I get to this place………….and I was working out at the same time!  God is in the midst of my workouts and I find that to be such an inspiration to continue on.

I left the pool still, quiet, and filled with so much peace.  Am I changing more and more again?  Perhaps.

I called Jane on the way home.  Normally she works Tuesdays, but because we have over 90 high school students from the city coming to campus tomorrow for a tour,  she rearranged her schedule today to work tomorrow.  It will be a crazy day!  My job is to be hostess for lunch, or to go before the kids and handle lunch. I don’t know what to expect, but in my heart I know it will be okay.   Now back to my original thought of calling Jane. *chuckles*  We decided to meet for lunch.  We did our lunch, then I took off to shop.  My original plan was to go right home and shampoo carpets for any potential showings on the house, but I also wanted to see if I could find a new skirt, or two. 

I ended up finding the perfect outfit for Sydney’s daughter’s wedding coming in a couple weeks.  I don’t know what even possessed me to try it on…………….but it was perfect!  I was glad and relieved.  This wedding will be held in downtown city, with a very, VERY, exclusive reception planned at a nearby museum, close to the downtown church. I have heard this museum outdoes itself when it comes to wedding receptions.  Once again I will be in an exclusive world of culture.  I wonder if God is teaching me about culture lately?  I’m glad Elizabeth is coming home to go with me. Linn was unable to go, and I still haven’t heard if Donna is planning on attending or not?  Now I have an elegant evening outfit to wear.  Next, I must go purchase the wedding gift. I emailed the girls today suggesting what we could do if they want to go in as a group.

After Dell got home I needed to go back to the mall. This locket of crystals my boss gave me for my birthday needed a silver chain. I had hoped to turn the black string it came on into more of a decorated string, adding beads and chain, but I’ve just never done that sort of creative thing. I succumbed to the idea I just needed to buy a silver sterling chain to hang it from, and of course, wanted to do it tonight.  Dell had some stuff he wanted to do anyway so we headed there, he going his way, me going mine.  I got a really nice chain and am happy with the way it has turned out.  I swear by these amethyst stones I am currently wearing, both in my necklace and the bracelet I bought in Charleston.  The past week I have been so calm!  I LOVE this inner peace feeling.  So is it the amethyst crystals, or the fact I spent so much time on the beach a couple weeks ago?  Or is it just a season of peace for me? I think all of the above would be the correct answer! *smiles*

I’d like to say I have totally let the soul mate thing go, but if I am honest, the truth is, he still feels as near as he ever did.  What is it with this?  I am the most rational woman in the world, or at least I like to think I am…………but with him, I lose all sorts of “rational!”  Thoughts of him as I swim, thoughts of him as I pray, thoughts of him as I shop, thoughts of him as I am still, thoughts of him as I am loud, thoughts of him no matter what.  I don’t dream of being with him anymore, so it’s not like that is it?  I don’t question why he was brought into my life anymore, so the mystery part of it isn’t it anymore.  What is it?  He just feels so much a part of something I can’t explain.  Why would it still be incomplete?  That’s what it feels to me.  He still reads, so apparently if it is he, which I honestly know in my heart it is, then he needs to the touch too.  So far away, so close, so determined to live life where it is at this given moment, which he is not a part of, as I am not a part of his………….and yet, he feels so close.  I always ask myself if I am nuts or something?   I don’t think I am, because I have such peace and accept that it is what it is, and isn’t.  He’s just still here: *points to heart as she closes her eyes*

Speaking of strange stories!  Today was a day I would think over and over about someone I knew in the past.  A surgeon.  Shortly after Soul Mate came into my life, this man did too.  It was a horrendous time for him, and for me. My mom was dying, he had a tragedy in his own life and life seemed to bring us together for that moment in time. I hadn’t thought about him in a VERY long time!  Then today due to a road being closed in my neighborhood, I was forced to find an alternative route, which led me to drive by his house.  I reminisced for a few moments back to those days when he would show up in my office, or the time he simply started hugging me in my office.  LOL, Elizabeth came out of hers to witness this while I stood there dumbfounded, not knowing what to do.  He was hurting so bad that day, and you know, so was I.  After he left I will never forget Elizabeth coming out of her office as I stood there sort of shocked.  She put her hands out as if they were scales and said,  “Hmmmm……………let’s see, surgeon, or old-time rock and roller?”  She broke the moment of stunned I had been in as I cracked up!  “What was up with that?” I remember asking her. I tend to be very naïve and never quite know how to take some of these situations. I confessed to her that day, as he (surgeon) went to hug me, immediately Soul Mate came to mind! I knew that no matter where I was in life he was the one.  Whatever “the one” means, I knew it that day.

Oh yes, I was married back then, as I am still. I should be saying Dell is the one I suppose.  And even back then when Elizabeth weighed out what was happening all around me, I should have realized there was nothing to be weighed.  In my inner being I am a very loyal being.  Jane and I talked about this at lunch today as somehow, his name came up again! (The surgeon’s.)  It was SO weird it came up during our lunch conversation after having driven by his house earlier.  “If you would have not been such a chicken Sunshine, think how different your life might be by now.” She commented to me as I was thinking about it all. “I just know me. I can’t hurt anyone, and Dell never deserved to be hurt as I would have had I have followed where my heart wanted to lead.” I said to her in reply. Was it where my heart wanted to lead, or was it desire? Or was it temptation?  Whatever it was I now know I am a woman of strong convictions, believing I have to be loyal, even to the point of deep hurt for myself sometimes. And believe me, these days I am living a DEEP hurt sometimes as I always wonder, what if?  As did Soul Mate, the surgeon about 2 years later ended up marrying.  Before he did he came to my office to tell me he was going to do this.  I don’t know why I felt sad that day, but I did.  Was it another one of those, “What if?” things with him too? Or was it a sadness that perhaps one day Soul Mate would find someone else and marry too?  And I stayed where I was because that’s just what I seem to think is the right thing to do.

I have peace.  Regardless of the sadness I sometimes seem to portray, the fact is I have prayed my way through and believe I am where God wants me to be.  Yet, I apparently have enough selfishness within me to want to cry when I wonder what it all meant?  Surgeon,  TB (the one I always called near twin), and finally, “THE ONE” or so it seems to be in everything that I am,  what was I to learn from their part in my life? Oh, and of course, Gary!  I have never shared the story of Gary……..but I will save that for another night.

Gesh!  When I look back over a lot of my history I suddenly realize that I simply got married too young and never got to live. *Looks up to heaven and says, “Mom you were right.”  But perhaps I was meant to marry young so that my kids would come to earth, like some divine plan, it was meant to be.  Yet, so often I have felt as if I missed out on real love.  I wish I knew the feeling of getting married to someone you were so in love with you didn’t know what to do!  The feeling of eagerly walking down a church aisle to see that special someone staring back.  And the feeling of wanting to celebrate anniversaries!   Does that exist?  A love that is so intense it lasts through the years?  Not very many people have I met live that, so perhaps I didn’t miss out on anything in the end.  But those that I have met that have lived it? I think they did better than if they had won the lottery instead. 

And I ramble!  It is now 11:00pm and I have a BIG day tomorrow so I will head to bed!  Lots of questions about life and love and all those things………………..but I remain filled with peace, thankful that I do have a great hubby, even if he is only a best friend sort of figure.  It could have been SO much worst through the years!  I think rather than pondering what I feel I missed, I think I will be grateful for that which I do have.

And I will close with that thought.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

I know I've played this song before, but this is one of my favorites, and it just seems to really go with tonight's journal, so I will play it again!