The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.

I find myself much stronger tonight.  I really believe all day I was just in the frame of mind I had let go.  Truly let go of so many things.  As I said last night in all the pain and the drama and hurts of the weekend, I felt stronger. I am SO grateful tonight that I have walked out the journey I have lately. I feel so much more in tune with who I really am.

First thing this morning Donna asked,  “I’m dying to know, what happened?!”  I began to tell her.  Only there was no snide remarks or anger. I actually am beginning to replace the anger with some sort of love for girlfriend.  Like once I let go of the anger, the love was able to begin to flow. Oh, it doesn’t make it right, the things she has done, BUT, she is after all only 21 years old.  Without a doubt I think Joel is right.  How will she EVER know God’s love and forgiveness if she doesn’t find it in those that claim to be children of love and light?  I guess when repentance hits my heart, I am most sincere.  I still remain that way tonight.  Unsure how it will all be reconciled, but okay with however it works out.  For now, I am finding me again.  How many times do I need to go through this I wonder in life?  Until I am totally emptied out of selfish desire?

The countdown is on.  Only 3 more days of work.  Mr. Boss has been out of the office and won’t be in again tomorrow.  Summer hours of 8:00 to 2:00 are becoming addictive to me.  But I am so ready to be out of there and have time to work out again, spend hours floating in my pool, lots of phone time with Leo, and maybe a call to Spiritbear, and Dovey.  Lots of down time.  Prayer/meditation time, and trying once again to be so filled with the Spirit. Something I somehow lost the past month or so. I’m hungry!  So hungry for God.

I made reservations today in the Outer Banks. I found a little hotel that is pet friendly so my dogs can go.  Unfortunately, hubby is insisting I don’t go alone. He got the time off.  I think it will be okay.  I remember the last time we went, I would spend hours on the beach at night by myself. He likes TV, I don’t.  There will be lots of alone time for me.  Okay, okay, confession!  When I get out on the beach in the Outer Banks, which is way out in the Atlantic with bigger waves than anywhere else I have ever experienced, I touch eternity! We’re talking desolate beaches.  I will take Lilly and Pete with me, and I will talk to God. And I will dream.  I will be in the place I love most on this earth and I will wish under the stars with all I am that “he” could be with me.  The one so far away.  And I’ll probably shed tears because sometimes it hurts so bad why things are where they are. But I will find strength because I will feel the power of the ocean and I will feel eternity surround me as I breath in the miracle of the moment.  God so near.  And “him,” the one far away always so near.  As near as my heart. I will whisper things to “him.”  And I will try to convince myself with all my heart that of which I whisper he hears.  Somehow.  No explanation to find of why I believe it, just faith in something so real and yet so far.  And I will talk to God some more and pour out the longings of my heart only to be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding.  As I sit on the beach under a star-filled heaven, my dogs at my side.  Yeah, I am SO looking forward to this moment of escape.  And I will write in the day.  Putting the book together.  So ready to share the love I have found in a story I have lived. 

Elizabeth is here again.  We are down to 3 more days with her living here.  It’s been okay.  Soon she will drive off to Toledo, leaving me behind.  You always wonder, will it ever be the same?  I think so. I just happen to believe she is one of the closest things I have had to a sister. I can’t believe it would change so much?  We will travel we have promised.  Actually, I’m ready to hit LA again!  But first, there is TOO much going on in my life.  If I had a choice I’d choose the Outer Banks this year. It is my paradise and I need the desolate time.  Then of course it is to the beach again the end of July.  Gulf Shores, AL for Jason’s wedding.  I will smile, and be a witness of what forgiveness, love and light is all about.  Truly, I have been changed forever with this latest of battles.

It happened again tonight.  My property is now officially back on the market.  With the husband/wife team I believe with all my heart God has placed in my life for now.  Carol, my friend and referral agent sent them my way. After I got all the marketing analysis back from all the agents, they still remained the ones that have the vision of my property I do.  They are excited and believe with all their hearts they will sell this place. I LOVE their attitudes!  The wife and I had a long talk tonight. I told her of my writing aspirations and that I journaled on-line.  She said, “That is SO weird, I was thinking of beginning a journal on line just today and I didn’t know where to begin!” I smiled.  “It’s almost as if God sent me here tonight!” She said as this feeling of the spirit moving surrounded both of us. I gave her tips and told her a bit of my history with journaling.  How I had started an original journal over 3 years ago and how big it grew.  How Amy’s ex-in-laws found it and left such horrible messages I deleted the whole thing.  It was a mistake, but when you feel naked to the world, you do things out of hurt.  I explained how later, I opened this journal, using a pen name……and that I actually had someone so special to me that gave me the passion to write. I explained how he use to read my own journal, so I sent him the address to my new one.  That he began to come and read again, and has been here with me ever since.  By now she is listening intently, as I find myself saying more than I ever thought I would.  “My soul mate.”  I told her, as I began explaining what that meant.  How we give each other more gifts than anyone could imagine just by touching from afar.  She was mesmerized.  Sometimes when the words take over it is the most soothing thing.  We talked about God and his love.  This was genuine moment.  The papers were already signed, they were now to be my Realtors.  Hubby and her hubby were off getting measurements on the rental house.  Why do I talk like I do? I wondered.  But she was so intrigued and began to ask so many questions. I guess I make people think in ways they want to think but are afraid to think because I ask the harder questions and I’m not afraid to talk outside the box.  How many people want to touch that side of themselves I often wonder?  As she left she told me that I was such an awesome lady!  I smiled wondering if I had said too much.  Nah………it was God led.

In our talk I showed her the photos of the log home.  I remembered the feeling the first time I walked out the back door of this home.  I felt home. Like this was the next step or something. Okay, home is in “his” arms, but I’ve learned that part of this journey is knowing where home is, but still living life fully even when you can’t be home or are in the process of traveling back.  The first time I walked into the log home I knew it was special.  That was in October 2006.  In about December, I was getting ready for work when God gently spoke to me out of nowhere,  “You will move to the log home, that is the place I have for you.  You will need it.”  Sometimes I hear correctly, sometimes I don’t. That morning has stayed clear with me and I’ve not been able to forget the words and the knowing. It seems so impossible! Along the way I’ve fought the feelings of wanting the lake house, then the house with the built in pool, but isn’t it funny, in my heart of hearts, I know it is the log home I belong for now!  And it is the one that looks SO impossible to get!  Ahhhh……..but that is how God works! He likes the impossibles!

So my property and everything I own is back up for sale.  With people who are as excited as I am about it.  They believe.  That is all I could ask for. The first Realtor didn’t believe.  I knew it when I signed with her, but I liked her on a personal level and wanted to give her a try. I believe the story will be different with the husband/wife team I am now with.

I’m different tonight.  A gentle nature once again breaking through like the sun breaks through after a very dark and violent storm.  Reconciliation with Jason and “fiancée” will come again, I believe this with all my heart. It may not be right away, and that’s okay.  I will simply be a silent witness now to what mercy and grace can be and mean.

And I’m ready to truly live my life now. NOT centered around my children and grandkids, but MY life!  I will always be here for my kids for whatever they need, but for now, I am ready to put me first for awhile. NOT in a selfish way, but to move forward to my own destiny.   Sunshine is alive and becoming more strong in me everyday!  I like Sunshine, she’s not afraid of so many things as K.. is.

I remain on a journey back to the light. I know that at a distance someone so very special walks with me. I sense his love and light on days as today.  So near.  It can’t be seen, nor proved, but the heart feels and knows.  And then there is God, the Father of love, mercy and grace.  When I seek Him, I find Him!  He restores my strength and hope, and He heals my broken heart.  Yeah, I feel so much stronger tonight.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  So far away and yet so near.  How can that be?  It’s a spiritual connection in a place so few ever find. I’m so glad you found your way there and I found my way there and here we are.  It’s like we are finding our way back to the light too.  I don’t know why I did this, but today, I went back to some really old emails I had sent some girl that claimed to be a “soul mate” expert. It was within 6 months of meeting you. I was SO confused when I first met you! I didn’t believe in this stuff, and I felt as if I had gone mad!  I don’t even know how I found this girl, but I shared with her the story of our first meeting.  Of course never giving “names,” you know I never do that.  I told her I was crazy, surely soul mates didn’t really exist!  Long story short she led me on the journey back to love and light.  She explained to me who you were to me in a very gentle way.  The love is so real, she told me. It has traveled through lifetimes, and you two made a promise to one another to find each other again!  As I re-read her words to me today I remembered thinking this was way too out there!  It was the hardest thing for me to believe at the time! It was easier to believe I had gone mad! J  But over time, my heart slowly allowed me to believe in the unbelievable.  And while I can’t prove anything, I know this, it has only grown stronger over the years. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen you, or talked to you, it continues to grow stronger.  I have grown so much.  You helped me with this in your own spiritual way. And you know what? I think I have helped you so much too.  You believe again, don’t you?  And so do I.  We’ll continue to walk together, kay?  And one day………….yeah, one day you will find yourself on a beach with me under endless stars and the ocean at our feet.  And we will dance in real time.  No music needed…..the music is in our soul.  I think you believe too.  I send you love and light my special someone.  Have a beautiful night wherever you may be.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine