We do not need more of the things that are seen.  We need more of the things that are unseen.

I continue on with this thing of seeing what I believe and not what I see.  Seeing those things from within and not without.  I’m not sure why, but it is where I seem to be for now.

My day began with a meditation hike.  My ipod was dead, so I had to do the old fashioned CD walkman thing. I played a spiritual CD I hadn’t heard in a very long time.  Did it bring me to that place of spiritual renewing?  Yes and no.  I was interrupted how many times on this hike?  Walking 2 golden retrievers is a challenge!  Pete must weigh close to 70#s now.  At 6 months, he is very strong, but Lilly at 85#s is the stronger of the two.  I still sometimes question what I was thinking when I got another dog.  I love them both, but it doubles the hassles of everything it seems.  I did the best I could to get into that place but the interruptions kept me from going fully there. I like there.  Tomorrow is a new day and hubby won’t be around and the renters will all be back to work and HOPEFULLY, I can get into that place of surrender on my morning meditation hike.  No great secrets revealed once again.  That’s okay.  Just being with God as I begin my day is all I really ask for.

When I came in from walking, I checked my voice mail to discover a call from Leo.  She heard from her guy!  Nothing major her message assured me, but at least something!  I hurried and called her to share the joy with her.  She often feels so hopeless because he doesn’t often respond.  He comes and goes and I try to assure her that in his life, it’s just because he can’t let her in right now.  She shares the message with me, it was one of those “one-liners” that says he cares.  No more. No less.  Hey ANY form of response to me is awesome!  I was happy for her.  Sad for me.  I know, I shouldn’t be, but when someone else that is walking this journey with me and their “special someone” comes out of hiding, if for only a brief moment, I find myself selfishly feeling like Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz.”  When the scarecrow gets his brain, tin man his heart, and the lion his courage.  She was so happy for them, but sadly tells the Wizard there is nothing in that bag for her.  Yeah, momentarily that is how I feel. I’m SO happy for my friends, I just sometimes feel so down and lonely.  How can I feel all I do and not really know if it is a 2-way street?  I beat myself up then for believing in the unbelievable and for a moment or two, I set myself free.  But before long, it comes back to me.  And I remind myself, it isn’t ever going to go away………so cherish what it is.  He’s here. Everyday he is here!! I convince myself.  Sometimes more than once a day! Like a dance that is shared in mystery……a silhouette falling all around for both of us as we know we are both here………….and one day, the masks, as Leo explains he and I wear as we do our dance, will fall.  Our eyes will meet and we will truly understand the mystery we now share.  When I see this picture and remember what it is all about I feel like Dorothy did after she clicked her heels to wake in her own bed.  And I go on living.  Walking a journey forward only seeing what can’t really be seen. Under my mask.

Do I really wear a mask?  The conversation between Leo and I would travel there today. “How can I wear a mask? I put my heart out here on the line every night Leo?!”  So she makes her point by asking the tougher questions.  Like, why do I remain where I am if I know it is he here reaching for my heart every night?  As I said, the tougher questions. *she puts the mask back on*  Sure simple answers can be given, but in my heart, the truth of the answers lie so deep.

After a marathon conversation of about 3 hours, I headed for the pool to float and think.  Think about the deeper questions just asked.  And the dance he and I share.  He stays mysterious, whereas I can never really prove it is he here, and I remain in a world he apparently doesn’t feel he can reach into, and yet, we can’t stay away from the other either.  A connection so strong that was never meant to be kept away from the other. With all my heart I believe this.  And I float, and I try to focus on God and His love and trusting that my life is in His hands and in His plans.  And then I feel the connection with “him” so strong……..so near.  I’d think I was going crazy except for the simple fact, there is so much peace in it all. And love. And a belief that it is about so much more than I give it credit for sometimes.

I decide as I float that I want to go get a hair wrap.  When I do this, it usually means I am feeling incredibly creative and want something to represent my creativity.  The only place I know to get a hair wrap in this conservative town I live in is 40 miles north of here at an amusement park.  I decide to drive there.  The park is ablaze with people as they are having a huge anniversary party of sorts.  Rides are only .25!  Like back in 1938 or something like that.  I go ahead and pay my minimal entry fee.  I head to the place I knew did hair wraps last year.  As I am looking for the place they did it last year, I tell myself how I will feel more of a free spirit when I have this hair jewelry in.  Then I end up finding they aren’t doing them anymore.  I drove 80 miles round trip and came home without a hair wrap. L   

On the drive home, hubby accompanying me, I drove by a place I hadn’t thought of or been by in years and years!  The cottage on the lake my grandparents owned and sold when I was about 5.  Funny how I recognized it when I had NO clue where I was? My memories soared back to a past life.  LOL, it WAS a past life, okay!  No one but my aunt is even on earth anymore from those days.  I remembered so many things but mostly, how much I loved being on the lake back then.  In those thoughts, I let the pity party begin!  It came springing forth.  Something that bothers me on a level I can’t begin to explain.  “You know!”  I begin with hubby.  “I was SO ripped off as a kid!”  I begin to gripe.  “No, not ripped off because I was blessed beyond belief, but ripped off because I always, ALWAYS wanted to live on the water!  My grandparents did.  They made sure my aunt ended up with a lake house too!  My dad would have loved to live on the water but my mom could have cared less!  She wanted the social neighborhood and intellectual company, water didn’t matter to her.”  Suddenly, I’m ticked off that I was robbed of something I wanted so much as a child. (Yeah, spoiled brat, I know.)  But then it gets worst!  “So then I grow up and marry someone who doesn’t love the water the way I do and all he wants is tractors around and acres to mow!”  Yup, a full blown pity-party by now.  “And I’m SO unselfish, I put everyone else before me!”  I say as I decide that this really isn’t too cool at the moment. I know I’m not walking in love and light here! Hubby never says a word. He ignores me!!!  Now I’m TICKED! At least acknowledge that I am denying myself living on the water so that you can have a barn someplace to do YOUR hobby of tractors which I am SO not into!!  Worst than the silence and not even acknowledging that I am hurting, do you know what he does?!  He starts whistling!  Some stupid happy tune!!!  Like he hasn’t a clue how angry I am that my life-long dream is never taken into consideration by anyone!  I get still. I drive.  There’s no talking.  The tears are lying underneath my breath now as I start to wonder what on earth karma I am paying for?  That I can’t break free?  That I can’t even break free to take my inheritance and go live on water some where!  Tears are lying there because I am so afraid if I follow my heart, I will be punished or something for being so selfish.  Karma! This has to be karma of some sort?!!!  What?!  What is it?!

And we drive for miles in this state of silence.  Finally he says something to the effect of how quiet I am.  “DUH!” I say under my breath, just glad that the whistling has stopped for a time being.  “If you think you can afford it and you want to live on the water, just do it!”  He says in a nasty, how dare you be so selfish tone.  “Never mind. Just never mind.” I reply. The subject is dropped.  And I think of my book, and where I believe I am heading and I wonder if out there, the one I call my soul mate, would he be a water person?  Maybe I wouldn’t need the water I justify to myself if he and I did find our way one day………we’d be too busy reaching others and walking a journey back to the light together.  I decide that once again, I have sought excuses for why I feel so lacking from within.  And once again I chide myself for not being happy where I am and not being that person of love and light.  Still, for a moment I feel as if I am strangling.  All I can say and think is, “How did this happen to me?!”  How did I end up so where I never wanted to ever be?  Like a realization hits you. Revealing something you deny everyday of your life. The rest of the ride home was pretty quiet from that point on.  It’s not his fault that I am not where I want to be. The blame falls on me.  That’s tough to face I think.

We come home.  I had left a message for Elizabeth, and apparently she left a message back when I didn’t have my phone nearby.  She has put an offer in on a house, but it was in negotiation stages at the moment. I never got a chance to call her back.  My thoughts went to her as I thought to myself, I’m whining because I want to live on the water, and she is homeless at the moment!  I also know that I love the log house I believe will be the next step of my journey, and it is only about 1.5 miles from a major lake……BUT, in my heart, I know that he bottom line is not the location of a house.  Home is home…….I know where that place is. *puts mask back on*

At least it is summer vacation. I can have lots of down time tomorrow to work on the book, float in my pool, do some much-needed house chores, pray and seek and a mediation hike.

I know I sound really a bit selfish tonight, and the truth hurts, but I still say that when there is a lot of stuff still buried within you, God has to bring it to the surface so that it doesn’t lay around like a huge weight slowing you down.  Just when I am sure I am doing the best I can to find contentment right where I am, I discover that just underneath the surface is a free spirit “SCREAMING” to be free.  But how?  How do I allow that part of me to lead the way?  Questions to which for now remain in my heart.  Under a mask I wear.  In a dance I share with someone so far and yet so near.  In a prayer I pray to God everyday…….please, help me find the way….YOUR way…..Lord, please show me the way.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Whew!  What is going on with me?!  Sharing things I never dreamed I would!  A truth buried so deep within that I somehow believe you already know.  Yet, you have your own stories behind your own mask of which you think I can’t see……….but perhaps I do?  Ahhhhh……..and where would we be if we both took of those masks and looked at one another?  Let me close my eyes for a moment and see.  Where would we be?  I think we’d be so compassionate of the other. I really do.  I think that the journey we have walked this long has taught both of us so much patience and trust that there really isn’t anything that would make the other turn away. But let us put back on those masks now.  And let the silhouette of mystery fall among us as we dance, not really knowing why I stay and why you stay quiet………and all the same taking one another’s hand so that we don’t miss this dance. This beautiful, mysterious dance shrouded in so much hope and love.  A knowing.  A knowing that wherever the journey is taking us, when we get to the destination where we find one another again, we will understand so many things. And then?!  Then, we work together to help others believe in love again. And in mystery.  And in trust that when it is destined to be, it will.  Don’t forget, we do have angels standing guard over this road we walk. I know, I was shown them one time.  And we need more of the things that are unseen. It’s where the truth is.  I believe this with all my heart. I send you love and light now.  Touch what is real. Always and forever.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine

To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all. But to believe in the unseen is both a triumph and blessing.

Yet another busy, non-stop day. I suppose it’s brought on by myself as I continue to make plans to go, go, go.  I don’t know how to stop it seems. It’s as if by running all the time I can run away from some real issues on my heart and in my soul. Only, even in the running those issues are never far and always on my mind.

Skylar was here all last night and today.  She is so close to 2 now. She’s constantly into something, as a normal 2 year old is, and is a constant chase for me.  I love her with all my heart, but my days when she is here are limited to only paying attention to whatever it is she is doing.

Perhaps that is why I suggested to hubby that we head to what was supposed to be a festival in a town about 40 miles from here.  Lately, I’m into festivals. I think Carol would say it’s because for the first time in my life I am allowing the “artist” within me to be.  I think she is right.  I looked forward to the artists you find at these festivals and the feeling I get when I am around people who create.  Besides, it would keep Skylar contained and busy, a goal in itself!  Hubby wasn’t too excited.  He’s on the road all the time right now, and I will admit close to just staying in the city now, feeling exhausted.  However, he agreed to go.  I did all the driving.

When we got to this little, teeny town, there was no festival to be found. I had heard the info on the radio when waking up one morning and didn’t really pay too much attention.  It turned out to be a Garden Walk and Artist showing type thing.  $15 per person to attend and there were no instructions of where it was being held! Even tho I was in the middle of town square?! I knew there was NO WAY Skylar was going to endure a bunch of gardens, never-the-less seeing paintings of local artists. I nixed the idea before exploring too much on where it was.  By this time Amy had called and asked if they could celebrate “Father’s Day” today, so that tomorrow they could spend it with Chad’s dad.  No problem.  Hubby is a home body for the most part anyway.  One trip out this weekend was enough for him.  I ended up driving from this small town, where we did the antique store thing, to the city to pick up Amy and Chad, and head to the southern part of the state to hubby’s favorite antique store, and the state park nearby.  Since I was driving, hubby was sentenced to the very back of the Navigator, with Chad and Skylar riding in the back.  Amy and I got up front. A nice time for us to talk.

This was how the day was spent.  I’m not into antiques. A little goes a LONG way for me!  I ended up sitting most of the time with Skylar trying to keep her busy. Or else chasing her through the store, thus getting one heck of a work out as this child is fast as lightning these days!!

The state park was as always beautiful.  Nature filled.  A place I could go and sit for hours with my camera as I look around and feel eternity around me.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of time for that today.  I really think one day I need to do this by myself. Just drive to this park and spend a day alone. *note to self, just do it*

I ended up buying dinner for hubby and Chad at the state park in honor of Father’s Day. (Amy got in on the deal too.) An all-you-can-eat Prime Rib buffet.  The food was wonderful, except they kept running out of food AND plates.  It was awful!  I never complain!! But when I went to pay the bill I suggested I should receive some sort of discount. (I did it in a nice way, I’ve lost all the rage these days.)  The girl didn’t say a thing, she simply took 50% off the ticket.  Nice!  It did make up for the unprepared chefs and dishwashers!

Dinner was a time for me tho to face what it is I am running from.  Not that I’m running, because I’m really not, but what I try to run from thinking about as I try so hard to live life fully where I am.  But suddenly, “he” was with me. FULL FORCE!  Thoughts of him filling my mind as I looked out the window of this awesome lodge to see flowers and trees.  A singer/guitar performing dinner music now began playing the song, “Things We Said Today” originally by the Beatles.  Him!  Him!! Where is he?!!  All those feelings gently tucked away in my heart roaring forth like a damn that has some sort of relief valve to let out water that is filling so quickly it must allow the water to be released somehow. Amy brings up the log house I am wanting to buy.  “Mom, were you serious, we could have a couple acres to build?”  My mind still far away, thinking of him in this moment and what it’d be like to sit with him wherever and watch nature all around us, I quickly drew my attention back to her.  “Yeah, but you have to realize, it’s not always great living so close to your parents.”  Chad came back, “Well, the way I see it is that you can help us, and we can help you.”  As he points to hubby thinking about yard work, and repairs or whatever.  Hubby smiles.  He likes this dream.  “I just want everyone to realize something here.  I am going to publish my book and I am going to become a famous author.  I will travel and speak to help people believe in love again.”  As I finished my confession of faith, I even stopped to wonder where the heck these words came from! I quickly had to let them know I understood how crazy it sounded.  “I know you guys think I’m crazy, but I’m telling you, this is what is going to happen.”  Amy gently said, “Mom, I believe you!”  Chad said, “So, is the book done?  What happens next?”  I’m still trying to catch up with where the heck these words have come from, never-the-less answer any questions!  And then it happened!  I so believe in synchronicity, okay.  I think it comes when we need it the most, and it comes when we least expect it. Almost like God whispers, “You are on the right path.”  The guitar player breaks into the song, “Sunshine, On My Shoulders” originally done by John Denver.  Now, what no one realizes is I chose my pen name, Sunshine, from this song.  I was listening to it one day and it seemed like I could almost see “him”, the “one” so far away singing this song. I wanted to be Sunshine!  So I chose the name to be my pen name!  And here I am, confessing to my family my deepest beliefs on where I am going in life, and my song is suddenly played!  I smiled, and said, “Listen, it’s my theme song!”  Apparently they all know me as Sunshine now.  Amy chuckled. Chad shook his head.  Hubby just ate.  And I listened and I went back into my normal daydream when I hear this song…….of him, singing it to me.  There you go, confessions of a heart that lives a little out of the box!

We all went on with dinner, nothing more said, but was there a minute during this dinner that he wasn’t right there with me?  Yet so far away at the same time.  Will I ever know I wondered to myself as I began to question again how real all of this is. It’s been so long.

After dinner we headed to a little swing set area within this huge state park tucked away in the beauty of a forest where deer are known to visit and walk by.  All so Skylar could run for a time. I swung myself.  Just sitting there in the trees. I felt quiet. So quiet.  As I sat there, I remembered those day dreams when all of this began about 6 years ago, that he would fly into the city and this would be where I’d bring him. And we’d look over the scenery and the beauty of the hills and trees and we’d just be.  Like it always was before, whatever that may mean, because as far as I know, there hasn’t been a before.  So why do I feel this and say it?  

By now it was getting really late.  We had a 2-hour drive home, and had to drop Amy, Chad, and Skylar off at their car about half-way.  Skylar was in the mood to scream most of the way back. Literally scream!  By the time we dropped her off, I was very ready for a little quiet.  I drove home, hubby silent in his own world of which I often wonder what he thinks about or dreams about, and me in my own little world of reason vs. heart. Reliving things said, not said, and wondering if I was a little over the edge.  Things I normally think about as I try so hard to believe in the unbelievable, listening to my heart and the secrets whispered from within.

Now, I finally have quiet time.  Alone on my deck, well other than the new renters who are making full use of the pond doing night fishing and feeling as if they are now permanent members of the KOA or something.  I know anyone who moves out here spends the first few weeks losing sleep because of fishing and outdoor life. I understand.  Still, I have my little quiet haven here.  With my fountain falling, my meditative music playing, and confessing my heart and soul to myself.  This is where I come to find out what it is I believe myself.  Very odd.  How did I get here and where is it taking me?!  Oh yeah!  Places.  It is taking me places.

I have begun working diligently on the book.  I’ve begun to integrate my journals from years gone by with the story of my journey. As I begin this final process, I realize that long before the journey began God kept telling me I was getting ready to have things happen that if He told me what was soon to come I’d never believe.  I’d never believe the places I’d go and what was about to happen.  I remember wondering what it all meant.  Now, more than 10 years later I look and see and realize God was right! I wouldn’t have believed!!!  Those are the feelings I need to tap into because it is the strength that will be gathered to help me believe in those things I know in my heart but can’t be seen right now.  Like really making it one day as an author.  And knowing that all I feel for him, and these dreams of sharing moments with “him” in nature with beauty all around us is for a reason.  And tho there are times I feel something isn’t quite right with him, I also know that  he was brought into my life for some really pretty important reasons.  We were meant to meet, we were meant not to forget, and we were meant to achieve something.  And I know that there is a lot of love and light around it…..I also know that the story is beautiful and there are a lot of people that will begin to believe in things they can’t see either as they read and share the journey I have walked, and I believe he has walked too.

And God is really at the center of it all.  The author and finisher of my faith, and my heart.  Never ever let it be said that I did ANY of this on my own.  No, it was a plan that was written long before I ever knew.  And I smile as I trust those things that can’t be seen.  I am blessed and I will triumph.  After all, God is writing the story in the end.  I trust that Author above all.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Do my confessions get a little bit too much for you some days?  Do you know in my heart, I don’t believe so?  At one time I would have been way TOO afraid to share the truth with you, but now, I feel so free to be me.  I think you finally understand so many things you never did.  I keep feeling like you are finally beginning to understand how much you are loved and that everything in your life prior to today is “the past.”  It is. You get to begin anew now.  And love is here, all around you.  Waiting for the hour!  And for me too!!  I also have come to feel that you no longer think it is about the music, because that is the world I don’t want to be a part of, unless you want me there to share your gifts with you.  Okay, so one day, I hope you will sing, “Sunshine” to me!  It’s just my dream. LOL, you probably don’t even like the song!!! Ha ha!!! BUT, for now, it is my theme song, because that is how I so hoped you would feel for me one day; 

“Sunshine on my shoulders, makes me happy.  Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. Sunshine on the water looks so lovely. Sunshine almost always makes me high.

But here I am, way out there on some crazy limb again!!!  The truth is, I have no expectations.  I’m just walking the journey, believing certain things I feel along the way, but above all, praying everyday that love surrounds you in ways you never knew, and yet longed for.  So simple the faith I have when it comes for you.  I can’t see, and I still believe.  But isn’t that what love is?  I send you love and light…….thank you for listening to my heart.  Goodnight – With so much love, Sunshine.