It use to be that summer breaks were a time for me to slow down and take life a lot easier than the rest of the year.  This year, thus far, is not the case. It’s almost like 2 summers ago, the summer following my dad’s death where I moved from the house I had lived in for 20 some years, into his house. But first, I had to redo everything. I had to make it me.  I spent all that summer working so hard.  This summer for now seems to be shaping into the same thing.

I didn’t even have the energy to write last night.  That’s becoming sort of a weekly thing on Friday nights. But then, on Friday nights, I have Skylar.  She is a handful and requires constant attention.  By the time I get her to sleep, usually after 11:00, I want to fall into bed myself.  Especially this week considering all day Friday I spent moving furniture for the carpet cleaners, and doing real deep cleaning.  With the open house on Sunday perhaps I am going overboard? I don’t know and can’t say for sure, but the thought of X amount of strangers coming into my home to snoop, or look around makes me want to make sure everything is perfect.

Once Skylar arrived last night, it was to dinner, then to the park with her and the dogs. What a treat, a 2-year old and 2 golden retrievers.  When I woke up this morning my neck muscles were so sore! When I wondered why, I remembered them pulling me through the park last night as I chased to keep up with Skylar too.  If I sound crazy to even attempt this, let me just tell you, I am!!!! LOL.  It was fun tho.  My dogs, Pete and Lilly, get a LOT of attention from people!  They are beautiful dogs, and have beautiful personalities to match.  Anyone can come up to them and they are wonderful, including small children, and other dogs.  I did go to Petsmart today and bought the newest harness for dogs that pull, which is Lilly.  It buckles across her chest. I tried in on in the store, and immediately, she walked by my side and wouldn’t pull.  To say the least, she wore it out of the store!  I told the cashier, my dog has this harness on, I’d like to pay for it please.  It will help for the beach next week.

My emotional state is still all over the place at the moment.  I wonder if this is normal?  I mean with all my faith shouldn’t I have it together by now?  Sell!  Move!!  Go forward!!  And I reflect all the time about where I’ve been. I’m not sure it’s healthy to do that, but at the same time I guess it does define who I am and why I have certain fears.  Hurts from the past or whatever.  Lately tho it seems has been the time for forgiveness.  I thought I had done this about 5 years ago, but it seems, there must have been some really deep roots still remaining.  Now, for the first time, I think I have forgiven and let go of a lot of stuff.  Even my mom. I loved her with all my heart, I did, BUT, she sure did create a lot of self-doubt in me.  I was always so “FAR OUT THERE” to her.  Remember, my mom was an intellectual, basing all of life’s importance on that.  Me?  I am SO far from such!  It’s all she ever wanted me to be.  But it wasn’t who I was.  Thus the conflict of a lifetime, where I never felt free till she passed.  Even then for about 6 months I had dreams that she wouldn’t go to the light, and she’d come to me and get mad because she didn’t want to be dead.  Finally, I think she went to the light.  The dreams ended.  Slowly, I healed and became who it is I am today, Sunshine!  J  I still say that Sunshine was always who I was, but could never be.  I guess there was a little unforgiveness within me towards my mom that she always stifled who I was.  Would I be where I am today had she encouraged me to be who I was?  Sometime yesterday morning in my cleaning mode, I felt God pour out a moment of revelation on me. (NOTE:  My best times to hear from God have often been when I am cleaning)  God whispered to me, “You must realize that your mom was a gift to you. She didn’t stifle you.  She kept you grounded.  The gifts you carry could have been misused.  She was the gift to teach you to be grounded which was so very important.”  With those words came this incredible revelation of knowledge.  This was SO true!!!!  She was “suppose” to be my mom.  She and I probably had some pre-world agreement that she would keep me grounded and guard me until the time came for me to fulfill what it is I am to fulfill.  Suddenly, any unforgiveness on my part turned to a heart of gratitude.  “Thanks mom.”  I understand now the spiritual aspects of who you were and who I was. 

But then that emotional roller coaster turned to wanting to go back to the days I knew for so long.  The days that it seemed nothing would ever change. The days when I was daughter, mom, wife.  My whole world centered around these three priorities.  For a day could I go back?  To a time my mom and dad had dinner every Sunday night.  All three of my kids would go.  Jason was still talking to me back then!  And life seemed to be as normal as I ever knew.  Yes, there was a HUGE gapping whole in my heart, but I didn’t know what that was.  It was normal. That was when life was whatever life was supposed to be.  But I can’t go back.  Even if everything was perfect and my mom and dad were still alive, and my kids still lived at home, Sunshine broke through.  The real me that laid dormant all those years thinking life had truly passed me by.  But when all systems were go, Sunshine broke through.  A plan. An incredible plan God had been whispering to me for about five years what was about to happen.  Those are the emotions of then and now, and where it goes from here. Or maybe it’s selling everything from those days?  Seeing the “For Sale” signs and wondering what my dad would think? 

As if it wasn’t enough the emotions of all of this, hubby, Skylar and I were in Wal Mart today to buy two new tires for my Jimmy.  As I was walking with Skylar I looked up to see some guy that was the SPITTING image of my first real love, Tom.  I had to do a double take, even tho I knew it wasn’t him. Curious, awhile back I had done an internet search on where he was now. I found out he is living in Germany, working as an artist. I knew he had married a Swedish woman, so I knew it wasn’t he here in Wal Mart.  Besides, the photo I saw of what he looks like today!  OMG!  It wasn’t what he looked like yesterday!  Still, this guy standing in front of me, a DEAD RINGER for Tom when I knew him!!!  What was so familiar to me about him?  Just the look?  Then it dawned on me!  Tom really DID resemble soul mate in his younger days!  Now, that probably sounds crazy, but I began to see the resemblance!   Just by looking at this guy at Wal Mart!  And I remembered how I fell in love with Darby Hinton at age 7, and Darby looked like soul mate when he was younger too!!!  I started realizing something, I must have really been looking for him all my life!  As I came back from the chuckle to myself as I thought about all this, Skylar tugging at my leg to go a different direction now, I briefly remembered my days with Tom.  Not always positive let me tell you!  It was he and a snake of a friend (yes, it’s okay to admit that some people are snakes), that introduced me to pot at a tender age of 16. I didn’t even know what the stuff was!  Before I knew it, my Donny Osmond days had been traded in for rock concerts with ZZ Topp, Blue Oyster Cult, Black Sabbath and the list goes on. Tom may have been a first love, but the memories aren’t all that grate when I think of it.  By now my mind had returned to my beautiful little granddaughter.  Life is a series of lessons and choices made.  Some good, some not so good, but it all makes what a journey is.

We ended up driving Skylar, Pete and Lilly to the city. I know, last thing hubby wanted to do since he drives this drive everyday of his life practically, but it was SO rainy here, and I didn’t want anyone to mess the house up.  Outside work couldn’t get done, which means we will be time-crunched in the morning (no church).  The open house is from 1:00 – 3:00. If I get up super early, that gives me about 5 hours to get things done. The drive for me to the city was nice.  Time to reflect.  I ended up driving by the Log house.  Two-times to be honest.  Also, looking at a couple more houses that I’d found on the internet.  Funny, I ALWAYS go back to the Log house.  The most expensive I’ve considered so far, yet, it still feels as if this is the one.

Now, I am still exhausted. Seems that is all I say these days.  I think it’s because life is so quickly moving at the moment.  I don’t think just for me, but or everyone.  Now and then I catch glimpses of the news. I’m SO glad I don’t watch TV anymore.  That’s enough to make your heart grow faint!  Today’s news, the mother who was 9-months pregnant, and the baby’s father murdered her and the baby?!!!  How many times has this happened lately?  And then moms killing their kids, and missing teenagers, and people killing moms for their babies……….the list goes on! I’m just SO, SO glad I don’t keep up with it all. That being said, this is a place of light and I have to admit that I know all is not lost.  For instance, as we were walking into the restaurant tonight, I noticed a car pull up and let out an older man, and woman who walked with a walker.  The man went in a side door, the woman headed for the door of which I was going to go through too.  As she went to get up on the curb, her walker tipped over and she went to fall. In front of me were two teenaged boys, and an older man standing by the door.  All three of these men ran to catch her, and did!  Impressive for teenagers I’d say!  You could see the genuine care and concern on their faces.  One of them, in a blue t-shirt, dark curly hair held the door while the woman walked in.  I was right behind.  He held the door for me too,  “Go ahead, I’ve got it.”  He said with a smile. I felt warm.  Forget the icky news, this is real life standing in front of me.  He is our future.  All is not lost.

So in the emotional roller coaster of my life these days, of which I know I am not alone, I find comfort where comfort can be found.  It’s how I believe to be honest.  If you expect good, good will come.  If you expect bad, you will find that too.  There’s a whole lot in between along the way because that is what the journey is made of, but lately I am finding this; Forgiveness is the beginning of a lot of wisdom.  And know what?  There was a lot of people I still held bitterness against without really knowing it!  It seems the more I forgive one, the more I find another area I need to forgive, and the more I do, the brighter it seems I feel on the inside.  I must be getting ready to go to a new level!  God is sure doing a WHOLE lot of work in me right now.  It’s not always easy, but once I surrender to allow “change” to come as it may, it seems the lessons are so much easier to learn along the way.

I’m off to bed now.  Prayers for a successful open house tomorrow are most appreciated.  As I trust.  I trust so much that there is a plan and a purpose……still, positive thoughts never hurt!!!!

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Would I write you anyway if you weren’t here?  Sure I would.  It’s so in me now.  I can’t tell you why, but it seems the more I write of the story, the more I understand now as I relive where it is I’ve been since I met you.  How could you ever understand? Or maybe you do? How much strength I found when you walked into my world and life.  In just a moment’s glance from your eyes, I knew! I had found home.  That sounds like such a cliché from a romance novel or something, but I can’t help it. It’s true.  Do you remember me telling you that you came and woke me up?  You did.  Not by anything you said or did, tho I will admit the kiss on the cheek sent fire through me, but it was your eyes.  I knew when I looked in your eyes that you had come when I needed it the most.  You woke Sunshine up!!  Will I ever know if something happened for you too?  I have to believe it had to be a two-way street.  I still feel the connection that grows as the years go on, so I have to believe you knew it too.  You did. I saw it in your eyes.  With all my being and heart I know this, it isn’t over.  I don’t know how, or when?  I think it’s almost now like it was in the vision when I first saw you 5 years before we met.  I can’t make it happen………when it is right, it will. Still, my journals are for you too.  This is that bridge that joins us through space and time and the miracle of finding one another when there should be no way.  If you need that miracle, think about what I am saying and you will know it too.  I send you love and light my special someone……..yeah, it’s true!  I did look for you all my life.  I may not of known who it was, but the moment I saw you, I knew.  So unexplainable, and yet, so very beautiful.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine