When it is dark enough, you can see the stars

Sometimes I wonder how dark it can get.  I’m waiting to see the stars. Are they above all this darkness that surrounds me at the moment?  Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. Or perhaps I shouldn’t ask that question!  I need to close my eyes now and practice seeing what it is I believe at a deep, deep level.  It is there that I will see the stars in the dark.

It’s late to begin journaling.  Like six minutes after midnight.  All hell broke loose tonight.  I think I knew it when I woke this morning.  Sometimes my spirit grieves.  Before whatever happens, happens, it’s as if my spirit senses it and I begin to weep on the inside.  It happened when I awakened. This thing with Jason haunting me and I didn’t know why?  I tried to keep praying and confessing the forgiveness that I swear I have extended to him and girlfriend.  Still, I felt this nagging sense of anger and sadness. I didn’t know why tho.

I busted myself to get this house in final condition for the open house.  Hubby outside doing all the stuff that needed to be done out there, which considering it is 6.6 acres, is a lot.  I felt great by the time Cathy, my Realtor arrived. Candles a glow, ambiance to be found throughout the house as I had meditative music playing throughout, I felt as if this was the cleanest this house has been since I moved in a couple years ago.  I love Cathy. Immediately she walked in and told me how beautiful everything looked.  *smiles*

We loaded the dogs and left. To Olive Garden to eat.  For no reason, just not much else to do.  We talked about Jason.  Hubby had talked to him last week on Father’s Day and Jason had said he’d be here this Sunday to celebrate with him.  Jason hadn’t called and it was now 3:00.  In my heart I knew he wasn’t coming. He never called this week to confirm it or anything. In my heart I am coming to understand this, he wants nothing to do with me. I  almost felt like I should call him and say, “Hey, I’ll leave so you and girlfriend can see your dad.”  But I made a promise when I sent my letter welcoming girlfriend into my home and family, I wouldn’t be calling.  Perhaps this was my sadness? They weren’t hurting me, they were hurting hubby.  He has more faith than I do. But then, he hasn’t been hurt the number of times I have by them.

When we came back home after the open house hours were over, Cathy had left a note.  She had one couple.  Said they were very impressed and asked a few questions.  She felt positive.  One couple?  All that work!  Still, I won’t be depressed it could have been 0 couples.  And besides, it only takes ONE buyer, right?

I worked on my checkbook and finances, paying all of my bills before I leave Friday.  Hubby cleaned the Jimmy top to bottom.  Still no Jason.  He didn’t come nor call to tell his dad he wasn’t.  I felt bad for hubby.  I could tell this was upsetting him.

We went to get pizza.  “He’s coming.  He’ll show up late and only stay a-half-hour, but at least he’ll come.” He said in complete denial.  “He’s NOT coming!” I said to hubby.  “It’s almost 9:00 p.m.  He’s NOT coming!”  Hubby got upset with me.  Picked up his phone.  “What are you doing?”  I asked.  “I’m calling him. I’m afraid he got hurt or something. He told me he’d be here, and something had to happen or he would be.”  Don’t call! I tried to tell him, but he didn’t listen.  He left a message.  I felt bad for him. He was about to get a little bit of what I’ve been getting for almost a year now.

He finally called Joel. “No, he hadn’t talked to Jason since he left a couple weeks ago.”  Hubby was hurt. I felt bad.

Finally Jason called him back on the drive home.  This was what I think the grieving process earlier in the day was all about. I have begged hubby for a couple weeks now, “If you talk to him, PLEASE don’t bring up the letter to girlfriend.”  He had said he wouldn’t.  When Jason calls what does he do?  He brings up the letter! “So, what did you think of that letter your mom sent?”  I felt so betrayed.  How can I explain it?  I didn’t want ANYONE to talk about it!  I did not write this letter to get someone else’s point of view!  I wrote it from my heart, for my own piece of forgiveness, and according to God’s leading!  It wasn’t for any other reason.  In my heart and my mind, if either of them wanted to discuss it, they would have called me, or come around.  They never had to say a word about it, it was just a way for me to extend a hand and be a good witness.  Now, all of my hopes had faded.  When he said it, I looked at him,  “NO!”  He pointed at me as if he was in full control.  And I began to cry.  I was so hurt by this.  A hurt I don’t think anyone can understand.  I guess it sounds trivial, but I had found in my heart a place where I had more or less found a way to live with forgiveness, even tho I am still so hurt by so many things Jason has done.  I had moved on. Let go, let God.  Now, because of hubby doing this, it was like someone just pulled a scab off a festering wound!

I couldn’t talk. I just sat there and sobbed.  Where did this come from? What was I so upset about?  I felt betrayed by hubby.  I felt betrayed by Jason.  I even felt as if Joel had turned on me too, I mean after all, I was the one that paid the price when Jason and I had our last conflict.  It had come back on me and all the mistakes I have made according to Joel.  And the goodness I tried to apply was just slapped right back in my face by hubby tonight. I can see Jason and girlfriend thinking I had made hubby call Jason and say, “What’d you think about your mom’s letter?”  Like a high school game.  Perhaps that was trivial in the end, a sort of straw that broke the camel’s back.

It snowballed into one of those huge fights.  Hubby knows which buttons to push.  I still have a temper when I am hurt and devastated at such a deep level.  The fight ensued.  Before I knew it, what happens, always happens, happened.  Hubby made it all my fault.  I should have done something a long time ago to reconcile to Jason he accused me of.  Shame on me!  I’m a bad parent or whatever because I won’t go in and be treated horribly anymore.  Hubby screamed, I screamed, and it ended as it always does.  Me sobbing.  “How did I get here in life?”  “I don’t want to be here!”  An under lying truth that I still keep way buried inside me.  Where would I go?  What awaits me out in that great big dark world?  Something distant always calling me, but I never know to where?  Is there really any greener grass than the one in my own back yard?  The tears!  I have cried so many tears for so long that I always think there surely isn’t anymore to come!  I think to myself,  this is crazy!  Why am I allowing this to tear my world up anymore? I have applied forgiveness, I have let go!  But have I?  Could it cause so much upheaval if I indeed had let go?

Or is it more?  Like the proverbial straw? Jason just empties enough pain to get to the root of all pain?  Something calling me far away.  Way, way far away.  I sat on my porch swing, fountain flowing, Pete and Lilly nearby and I cried.  For the longest time I cried.  In the midst of crying, crazy as this may sound, I whisper to soul mate,  “Can you feel this?  Can you?”  So somewhere in my prayers, and my hurt, and my desperation, I find myself talking to him.  I try so hard to make life work right where it is.  But it just doesn’t seem to flow anymore.  My kids have their own life.  I try to honor that. With all my heart I do.  Then there is hubby.  A wonderful man, tho at the moment I don’t really think him all that great.  I try very hard to be good. To do what it is I think I’m supposed to do. I’ve never felt a wife, sad as that may sound, my heart never was into it, but I have tried to be a great friend.  Yet, in these moments of extreme hurt and disappointments, that intense calling within comes to me. Like a reminder.  And I cry. I cry for the lack of freedom in my life I so want. I cry for missed opportunities.  I cry for a heartache that just doesn’t seem to be justified by human understanding. I cry because I know, but I don’t accept what it is I know.  And I hear the calling……..I just can’t seem to find the road there.

So now, eyes swollen, the anger once again subsided after all is said and done, I write.  Nothing is made better, tho I did manage to tell hubby goodnight before he went to bed.  Never ever let the sun set on your anger. A lesson I learned a long time ago.  So I let the anger go.  This feeling he betrayed me.  This feeling that he blames me for all of this strife with Jason I let go of.  And this calling……to a distant shore, a distant land……I let it go too, only, I ask myself as I let go, when?  It won’t be let go of, but when is the time?  It is only a matter of time before one of these days I say,  “It is time.”  Sometimes it’s like one more chisel away at some sort of stone that blocks my heart from following it.  It must be a matter of time.  Words that seem to flow tonight.

I now forgive hubby for his stupidity tonight. Sometimes, one mistake snowballs into another mistake.  This was him tonight.  Rather than trying to sooth things after he betrayed me, he continued to make degrading comments. Actually, one of his comments awarded him the chance to wear a glass of wine!  Yes, I had a glass of wine and rather than drinking it as would have been better, he ended up wearing it.  *she will let the reader visualize what this must mean* When he went to bed he reeked of Strawberry Wine, and he never even had a drop to drink!!! *anger management, note to self, I really must work on this*  I did apologize, because that was uncalled for and childish on my part.  Sometimes tho, I don’t know how to defend myself.  I’d seen it done in the movies once.  It really does work!  He stopped with his sarcastic comments, and degrading remarks.  And know what?  I stopped crying.  As I cleaned my kitchen cabinets of strawberry wine, I realized, it really was a childish thing to do.  Where was the forgiveness?  It was time to apply it.  And I did.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished?  Like, I’ve found that which seemed to have always been written in my heart, and I began to trust it.  But there is a price to be paid to trust it.  My family is falling apart because I believe in love someplace else.  But then I trust God.  Hardships aren’t for punishing us, they’re to help us grow.  They refine us like silver is refined by fire.  Sometimes in order to be what it is we are meant to be, we must first be broken of everything we were.  Yes.  This is what I feel tonight, broken. Like a wild horse that needs taming.  Or like how my mom kept me grounded. I still have to be taught so many things I think. 

How did I get to this place?  And where am I going?  Surely there is so much up ahead.  Surely God has me in this season for a purpose.  Yes!  Yes!!  A purpose and a plan…….and a land so distant calls………

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I missed you so much while you were gone.  Always fearing whether you will be back.  Like I said something wrong, or you are tired of waiting, or you found something better. All those fears, that need to not be fears, because fear isn’t trusting the what’s meant to be thing!  Still, the passion comes alive when I think of you.  You know the truth, is that distant land that calls a place you hear calling too?  Are we on the same path?  Is it a matter of time?  Are you there already, waiting?  Why do I see that when you won’t even talk to me?   So much I know, and yet, so much I don’t know. And it’s all some glorious mystery.  Tears have stopped now,  still I whisper to you, “Do you feel it? Can you feel what it is I feel?”  I send you love and light.  Crazy as it seems, there has to be something to this.  One day, we will know.  Hold on just a bit longer?  Or is it something that will never go away for you either? More than a dream, is it above or under?  Soon my friend, soon.  Goodnight………..Love, Sunshine  *hugs*