There are two great days in a person’s life - The day we are born and the day we discover why.

It’s really late to journal. Again!  So here is the deal, I will write, but I’ll not proofread tonight.  So, if there are many mistakes, please, understand.

My day began in tears.  I hate it when that happens.  A dream.  A dream of Jason, well more girlfriend.  She was pregnant, and a group of friends were whispering because they were keeping it a secret from me.  Next, I walk outside and by a forest I see her sitting in a Jeep Wrangler.  Top off, a grayish-blue color.  She is behind the wheel flaunting something.  I am so angry!  She tells me her mom is coming and I tell her I’m glad, I want to slap the crap out of her too!  Here comes her mom.  I put up my fist to slug her a good one!  But I can’t. I know I can’t.  I am not made of this!  They begin to accuse me of not helping with the gifts.  For the wedding I presume?  I begin to yell,  “YOU NEVER INCLUDED ME!”  I am so angry, and I am so mad at myself for being so!  The anger brings me to tears, a hurt so deep I don’t know how to describe it.  *end dream* I awaken to myself sobbing.  I laid there for a few minutes remembering something “V” said to me,  “Let God show you what the symbols mean.”  I knew the anger part my spirit is working through.  The part of the girls around girlfriend talking behind my back I’m not sure of, tho as I write it out, I sense I feel betrayal by a few people.  The Jeep Wrangler is obvious.  She has something I want and is flaunting it to me.  Her mom accusing me of not helping with the gifts I sense is prophetic in nature.  This whole wedding thing is almost a “BIG” in your face thing to me and the family.  Jason can’t see it, and I am not going to defend it, as I still say if I am kind and trust the Lord, then He will be my defender.  Still, it is one of the hardest journeys I have ever experienced.  Guess I am learning more than I can imagine in all of this. 

It was raining when I awakened too.  Fitting it seemed for my mood upon wakening.  But, my mood would change.  Leaving tomorrow for one of my favorite places on earth seems so peaceful to me.  Even with everything else going on.  I almost canceled the trip last night.  For no other reason than life is happening so fast around me, but I think that is more reason I am to go.  I still confess a bit of sadness that my life doesn’t allow me to go to this desolate place by myself to spend alone time.  But why upset someone who doesn’t understand this need I have to be alone right now?  I continue to put others feelings before my own.  Surely that is good karma in the end?  Or is this selfish desire within my heart what God sees?  Am I the son who the father told to go out and do such and such as work and at first refuses to do it, grumbles and complains, but does it anyway. OR, am I the son that says, “Okay! I’ll do it!!”  But never does it at all, nor had intentions of doing it?  I think I am the first.  I complain, and my heart is not always into what it is requiring of me, but I will follow what I believe is kind and good.  But at a heart level, sometimes I wish things were different. 

My day was packed with a list of errands where I left the house by 10:00 and didn’t get home till after 5:00.  I don’t like busy days as that, but some days are just that way.  There was good.  I worked out on the elliptical trainer for a good 35 minutes.  Then I headed out to try on some clothes at one of my favorite stores.  Again, not really finding what I wanted.  Then I got my birthday gift from my friends.  Yes, my birthday is in March, but Elizabeth, Donna and Sydney gave me a pedicure/manicure for my birthday. I never used the certificate till today.  It seemed fitting before I headed to the beach. Nails beautiful tonight, toes shining, I am ready to go be who it is I really am, a beach bum.  Or surfer girl, or whatever one is that loves the ocean and finds themselves when they are there.  If only for a week.

Last minute details kept me busy. I was still cleaning at 11:00 p.m.  I know that I have to have this place sparkling before I leave because there is a chance it could be shown.  Even with Dave here I trust him that he would have it really clean too.  Secretly, I hope that it gets shown while I am gone.  As each week goes by, the closer I get to returning to work.  I SO don’t want to! Isn’t that awful?  But if the place doesn’t sell, I will. The money is really good and I can’t see giving it up till the next step is before me.

As I was doing whatever it was tonight, hubby came across my “Destiny Diary.”  A notebook I began to fill out in 2005.  Luckily, he didn’t read it.  He’s good about that.  I began to read it, having forgotten I had even started it!  I started it right before my dad died.  There are notes in there of how I felt shortly after I found him, where my life was headed, of which I didn’t know at the time.  It was the darkest winter of my life. I felt so lost!  Soul mate had walked away from me the November before.  We were no longer in contact.  I tried SO hard to get over this back then!  Determined to let it go! I have notes on this in this diary, and every entry I’d end with,  “I can’t help it, it isn’t over.  We will find this year we need one another.”  I also confess to myself it didn’t make sense!!!  The battle ensued and raged within me of something I had to get over, and yet, it wouldn’t go away.  Later in the year I had a VERY clear dream, as a matter of fact, it was when I was in the Outer Banks that summer, 2005.  In the dream I was shown that I had to contact him.  I began to write a letter to him when I got home. I opened this journal, offering to him a place to come to know how much he was cared about.  A few weeks later I began to see those visits or hits on my stat button that I had come to know all too well in a former journal I had closed.  It was the same year his father died too. It was a time Skylar was born and almost died, along with Amy, and in some way I can’t explain, just knowing he was out there, sharing the pain I was going through with me, gave me strength.  I remember those days so clearly!  We had found one another again, even if we couldn’t or weren’t in contact, we still shared something so special in the hard times.  As I was looking over my “Destiny Diary” from the early part of 2005,  I wrote that God had clearly spoken to me we would find one another that year,  and we would need each other.  Of course I thought find one another meant “SEEING” one another in the physical plane.  But once again, looking back, I can see, things aren’t always what they seem.  In retrospect, I think the miracle of those times represent a miracle of large portions.  Of faith and hope.  Now, the down side to this?  How long I have held the feelings and knowing I do for this man.  Some nights I want to scream, “HOW LONG?”  How long till I can at least see him and look in his eyes?  With everything going on I was amazed that God would give me the break tonight to find this forgotten diary of sorts and be reminded of where this journey has been.

Tomorrow I leave.  I have to get up at 5:00 a.m., be in the city by 7:30 to drop hubby off at work. I have an appointment in the city to drop the dogs off to be bathed and groomed by 8:30.  Then I am to meet the Realtor at 10:00 to see the three houses.  After that I will go to Amy’s and meet her, as she is off half-a-day, and visit with her for awhile, and Skylar of course.  Amy’s best friend will be there too.  (NOTE:  When I woke up so upset, I called Amy and began to tell her how I felt my kids hated me!  If it wasn’t for Emma, I’d never hear from Joel either!  She assured me that my kids didn’t hate me, but that I had done a good job and they were all independent living happy/healthy lives.  With the exception of Jason, but we tried not to be negative.)  At 3:30, Skylar and I will leave to get the dogs, then pick hubby up.  We will leave for the Outer Banks, and drop Skylar off at Chad’s parents, which is about 1.5 hours southeast of the city.  They will keep her so that Amy can work on Saturday.  Then, we will be on our way.  So, another very, very busy day.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love the ocean.  When you think of me the next week, think paradise. I will be in my paradise.  This is where I find my answers some times, and where I find peace to keep believing in things that can’t be seen.  I still maintain and believe if God lives on earth, He lives at the beach.  J

It is now nearing midnight.  5:00 a.m. will come so very early for me so I will head to bed. Again, no proofreading so if you find mistakes, please, bear with me tonight! 

May all that read here feel the love and light surround them……more from the road and the beach over the next week…………….

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  And it goes on and on, huh?  It’s okay tho!  I believe that what we can’t see is the meaning behind it all, and I have a sense that meaning will be so important to why we walked the journey we did.  Now listen to me! I am talking “we” here?  So the words flow from a place I can’t explain.  It’s crazy, I know!  But I pull out the photos of you and me late last night before bed, and sometimes it’s like a journal of photos!  And why was your hand on your stomach as you pulled me closer into you?!  Not that I read anything into anything?!! Ha ha!  It’s okay, I don’t think I have to ask you because I was feeling what you were feeling.  H O M E.   *smiles a very warm smile*  Oh how I wish it was already revealed and known to both of us the whys, and the dreams of the whys.  But  we will keep walking.  As long as I know you are here, sharing the love and the light, then I continue to believe in the miracle of it all.  And it is a miracle, you know?!  Even the parts that seem so unbelievable.  I’m sending you so much love and light as I once promised I’d always be here to do.  Lots of road time, maybe for you too!  That usually means lots of time to think and feel…………close your eyes, and I will close mine, and somehow I think we will feel one another.  And there I go again!  Crazy talk!  You just bring this out in me!!!  Have a beautiful trip if you are out there, and if you aren’t then have a beautiful doing what it is you do.  Wish I was there. NO! I wish you were here, on the beach when I get there!  But you will be.  Always with me where ever I go.  Goodnight - Love, Sunshine

My paradise, only Skylar won't be there........I'll miss her!