He who speaks, sows.  He who listens, reaps.

The weekend is over and tomorrow begins a change in life for hubby, and ultimately me too.  How will this work I wonder tonight?  A huge change for him in a new city, a new place of employment, even tho it is the same company, it is a different store.  Funny, it has been me for how long that has wanted to take a job in the city?  A few years ago I sent out resumes and had a real strong possibility of a job offer, but now, it is he that goes.  Life is so strange.  Amy has already talked to him about staying at her place during the week, leaving me alone.  Something I’ve never been. I find this odd and wonder where it will lead.

The day progressed and I spent most of it working on my finances.  How long had it been since I had brought my checkbook up to date?!  *slaps hands*  Tonight, it is all reconciled, bills paid, everything brought up to date, and I feel like a new organized person!  Then I went and bought, “House for Rent” signs and put those up tonight. I need to get the house  next door rented for now.  Perhaps it will sell first?!  *big smiles* Next it will be on to closet cleaning and simplifying.  How long have I said this? One day at a time it slowly is all getting accomplished.  I just have to get back to working out again too.

Several calls to and messages left for Jason over the weekend have led to nada.  He hasn’t returned any of the messages.  For this I am sad.  I talked with Joel tonight about his trip home this week. He too has left messages for Jason without any response.  The wedding is approaching. Joel is supposed to be best man.  Jason hasn’t talked with him about anything, nor did they even send he and Emma an invitation.  I can’t help but wonder whether or not they really want any of us there.  My guess is no.  I mean how rude and inconsiderate is all this?  We have to drive over 1000 miles to this wedding, on a weekend? No one gives us any specifics about hotels, or times, or any of that.  Rehearsal dinner?  Do we need to be there Friday night for?  Airline tickets need to be purchased now as I see no way to make this in a day if we do drive. And hotels? This is a beach community at prime time?  Tonight the rage is replaced with a sadness.  Perhaps a realization that we really haven’t been a part of it from the beginning.  It will all be turned back on Jason’s family for not being there, but in the end God knows our hearts, if we were really wanted, I would have found a way.  Sad, so very sad, that it is beginning to look like Jason doesn’t even care if his own twin brother is his best man.  I remember when I read the email her dad had sent “girlfriend”, (yes, when I was bad and snooped after Jason defaulted his emails to me by accident),  he said something about girlfriend’s brother having a flower.  Perhaps this was “her” families plan all along.  That her brother would be best man.  They just had to find a way to phase his twin brother out of the picture.  Sometimes I wonder if they aren’t drugging Jason as I don’t even know him anymore!!  It’s all so very sad! I have seen stuff like this on Lifetime Movie Network!  I just never believed I would live it.  Lessons come in the most painful and hard ways I guess. But prayer can change SO many situations.  My faith MUST remain strong.

Enough of that. It is obviously the number one drama issue in my life these days!

I did a lot of research in trying to find a place to stay in the Outer Banks this summer for a couple weeks.  To no avail.  Nothing could be found that would work for me.  And I spent a lot of time looking!  I can accept that the doors right now are not opening for a reason.  Funny how I trust open and closed doors.

Elizabeth and “G” pulled in tonight after dinner sometime.  It was like homecoming to her dogs.  I think Elizabeth too.  She’ll be here again until Friday morning, and then it is back to Toledo.  We don’t have that busy of a week coming up as we did last week.  Summer hours are now in full force for us which means 8:00 – 2:00.  But I will go in early in the morning as summer school starts. The office will be a zoo.  Ugh!  I have all this week, and then next week, Thursday being my last day.  Then is it summer. Then Elizabeth leaves for Toledo forever, and life will once again change.  Hubby in the city working, Elizabeth gone, and then there is me.  I suppose I will work on the book a lot this summer.  More and more I see the vision of how I will lay it out.  Perhaps change is being done so that I can get busy on this?  Right here in my own back yard.

As I buried myself in bills today and finances, it continued to be a “him” day.  Let’s face it, no matter what I do or where I am, “he” is always right there, just under that level of focus I may be applying at the moment.  Sometimes I want to scream, “I am a sick woman!”  Sometimes I wonder if I don’t need medication!  But then I remind myself of the beauty of the journey and all it has brought me.  Nah, I tell myself.  You’ve just really for the first time in your life learned to love with all your heart.  Well, short of my love for my kids and grandkids.  I may be way out there when I say this, but I honestly believe that God does have “ONE” person hand-picked for us.  I also believe that the other half is not always on the earth at the same time we are, and those people are fine living life, not feeling as if something is missing.  But for those that DO have the other half on the earth at the same time, I SWEAR we spend all of our lives with a feeling something is missing. When that “something” finally is found, all of life begins to take a whole new meaning and new shape.  It happened for me one day.  And from all the people I talk to that has had similar life occurrences, they say the same thing.  So nah………..I’m okay.  I am rare I guess.  Bohemian!  I live life unconventionally these days.

And where are all these new steps of change taking me?  Over and over I sit back and I just observe as I wonder.  One step at a time I guess is all that can be seen and known.  Well, unless God pours out upon me a veil of illumination preparing me for certain things.  Sometimes He does, and sometimes I think He just wants me to walk the journey of faith…….and I do. 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I continue to have this faith that it is you here, reading.  I touch you every night.  I reach for you.  I feel you so close in my heart. Sometimes I feel anger coming from you……”I’m so tired Sunshine, so tired of waiting for what could be.”  And I whisper back to you, “But it has to be this way for now.”  And I don’t know why I whisper those words? It’s not what I want!  Where are you in your life?  A part of me feels you fear ever letting someone in, and even if I was ready I’m not sure you’d be?  How could I know? I only have my heart I can listen to and try to follow. Sometimes I get those rare peeks into your world. Sometimes in dreams I see you,  and sometimes in press releases. But not in myspace anymore.  Is all okay? I'd offer to manage it for you if you'd want, but then, no, I don't think you'd want. In my heart I know it wouldn't work.  I think you want and I really just want to be in your private world. That place you can run when it seems the whole world is cold and cruel. That place you find someone waiting who does love you with all her heart. I only want to be “yours.”  Not part of anything else, but your heart.  I wish I knew so much more of you, other than this connection we share in the spiritual realm.  I know that underneath all the harsh life you’ve lived, is a heart like mine!  How do I know?  We’re twins remember!!??!!!  *wink, wink*  I will stop now, before I get way too out there in my beliefs and thoughts! Never fear, just feel it from the heart because that is the place it exists.  In our hearts. Yours and mine.  Be so blessed my special someone, I am here always, sending you love and light.  And waiting too……..for the time to come.  And there is love……….Goodnight – Love, Sunshine

Sometimes, things happen beyond where we can see.  And sometimes, we dream in that place.  But where do the dreams come from if they are just dreams?

It’s late Sunday morning. A rainy day in my world. I had so wanted to get my swimming pool up and opened this weekend, but time and weather aren’t cooperating.

I didn’t write last night.  Exhaustion I think has caught up with me.  I had gone to Amy’s baby shower for “Gabrielle” yesterday. On the drive home last night I didn’t feel like I could make it. I was so tired.

“Girlfriend” didn’t show up for the shower, tho she was invited. A big game of chess of some sorts being played here.  So that leaves me with the next move. To go to the shower for her or not is the question. If I do, it is quite obvious, I will not be very welcomed. If I don’t, it is quite obvious, she will whine and cry to Jason how his family hates her!  As I said, a game of chess. So I have decided to take the easy way out. I will let Emma and Amy make the decision for me.  I wait now to hear from them.

Here’s the sad thing……..Amy’s friend that gave her the shower yesterday, I was shown a long time ago, even before I met her a few months ago, that she was the one for Jason. Now I know, that sounds SO incredibly out there!!! But I can’t deny what I was shown, and I DIDN’T even know her!  Spending time with this girl yesterday made me want to cry.  What happened?  How did the fate of what I was shown get missed?  Can it? Or is this one of those that will happen later in life when all sorts of mistakes have been made along the way and lots of cleansing has to be done to make it right?  I sound like such a looney as I talk this way, but I believe in the unexplainable.  And it’s as if I know.  She is the one.  Amy’s heart was in the right place when she fixed Jason up with “current” girlfriend.  I just happen to believe it was a year too early.  It’s almost eerie too, the similarities in how they both look! “Girlfriend and this girl.” But God has it all in control I tell myself.  BACK OFF!  I tell myself too!  As we were leaving the shower I noticed a necklace this girl had on.  It had a “J” on it.  “What does the “J” stand for?”  I asked.  “Nothing.” She began to explain.  “When I bought it, I didn’t see the “J” side. I noticed it when I got home!  I was upset, but oh well! I liked the necklace and decided to wear it anyway.”  My mind never stops.  Complete syncronicity in this moment!  “J” stands for Jason I say in a state of shock to myself!  A sign to me that I saw right when I’d pray for Jason to find the one God hand-picked for him!! I mean of all the letters in the alphabet, what are the odds of it being a “J?” 1-26 odds, right?   Did she know what I was thinking?  Did the spirit remind me of something important?  She chuckled, “I just tell everyone the “J” stands for Jesus.”  He is the number one love of this girl’s life. Nothing more need be said.  Yeah, I was sad as I believe Jason is taking a very difficult path for now.  And look at what waits?!  But we are not here for easy on this journey.

The shower was beautiful.  This gal does such a fantastic job of entertaining.  (The one that is Amy’s friend and I believe meant to be with “J”)  Her parents were wonderful, as it was held at her mom and dad’s house.  Their dream home they took 2 years to build.  I was so impressed with everything from yesterday. And I think we made new friends in the process!

This morning finds me just filled with so much wonder, and questions too.  Hurt, over the Jason thing, and yet, hope for the future in my own thing.  Perhaps I spend too much time thinking?  Or perhaps I need to spend so much time thinking, but I am so sure this morning of all I feel to be correct. At least for this morning.  I feel him.  Like we stay apart from one another for a reason we decided on long ago.  A distant memory?  A fear?  Life presented each of us with too many decisions that we failed at?  Or did we fail?  Perhaps we had to go that far from the light and one another to find out how great love is in the end?  Or am I just a hopeless romantic?  Nah…….that’s not me.  I still remain just me.  Someone that found all she had looked for from the beginning of this existence.  And he is here. With me anyway, regardless of how life says there is no way it could ever happen.  It’s just a “him” morning I guess.

I see the sun has come out now, parting the clouds that were raining on my world………..and for a moment I check my stat button to see he was reading my journal as I have been writing!  Funny how that works!  I felt him so strongly. I needed to write.  He was here, and we missed. Tho as he read, I wrote, so perhaps our connection didn’t miss after all. It’s just in another place, one of which no matter how hard I try my hands can’t reach, but my heart and my spirit do.

I will close now to get my pool up.  To try to go back to life as I know it. Back to all the questions, and wonder.  Feeling him, hoping for so much more one day.  Feeling bad because I should be in church this morning getting fed by the Spirit, and yet not making it just because I wanted to be quiet and in my own way worship.  Trying to figure out why I am shown certain things, like this girl for Jason long before I met her, and other numerous things.  So I guess I will follow my own advice once given to soul mate, “It’s all a journey, never take it overly serious.”  Deep breaths as I go about my day.  Believing in the unbelievable because that is where I will find God.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Have a beautiful day!

Sunshine

Have a beautiful day my beautiful soul mate:  So many thoughts of you this morning.  So many feelings, probably too many to be shared here.  I am going to try to send you mental pictures to come back and read this message……but if it doesn’t work, then I know you are going about living life too.  Somewhere today you will think of me, and wonder.  And somewhere today, I will think of you and send you so much love, and light. And in that place I know so well, I will find you when I close my eyes and go there. Why does it have to be this way?  When will it be our time?  Someday, I keep hearing from a place of truth.  “Someday.”  Have a beautiful day today.  Listen!!! Listen!  For I am sending you the message to find me, I was here.  With so much love,  Sunshine

May we all touch the field of dreams from our childhood as we walk through the journey of life.