Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear.

Tonight finds me writing from bed.  Right before I fall to sleep. I seldom if ever do this.  But having a houseful requires give and take on everyone’s part. All the other rooms are full, and it’s raining outside so I can’t be on my deck.  My bedroom and the quietness within was where I lighted.  I don’t mind really.  Having Elizabeth and “G” here is worth it all.

What a strange day!  It was so busy this morning there was little time to think about anything. Well, except “him” of course.  There always seems to be time for him to just sneak upon my thoughts.  But the morning flew by.

I was telling Donna the latest on Jason, and girlfriend and the shower.  About my rage on Friday night of which I am still so incredibly embarrassed. I found myself calling Jason, again.  No message left, just seeing if he’d pick up.  He didn’t.  But work called me to meet a lot of demands, and I went on.

Hubby called to let me now how his new job was going.  Not new, but new office.  As I thought, he was hesitant, but I understand, change is never easy. Little does he know how much change is getting ready to happen for him.  But God is good and gives us the strength as we need it. I trust that more than anything.

I ran to get lunch for us, meaning Elizabeth, Donna and I.  We all ate together and discussed various items.  “Oh, Sunshine!  Check your cell phone, I think maybe Jason called.”  Donna said. After lunch I did, and yeah, he had called. No message tho.  I don’t know what came over me, but I didn’t try to call him back.  Suddenly a new wind blew and I didn’t feel a need to try so hard to talk to him.  Soon Amy emailed me,  “Did you talk to Jason?”  That began a quick round of emails between she and I.  She ended up calling me to make sure I was okay.  That was when it got really interesting.

When she called for whatever reason, “soul mate” came up.  She brought it up as I try not to these days.  It’s suddenly become something I simply bury in my heart as I try to live this life I do.  Today, she wanted to bring it up.  I will talk about it.  She asked me if it bothered me?  The way I live.  Knowing my heart is with another, and yet, living where I do.  “Do you really believe God would approve of that?”  Oh boy!  Here we go, back in history the past few years and all the times I was prayed over to be released of this demonic thing that makes me love with all my heart. So I began to explain to her my heart. What I believe, or how I have come to know so much more than I ever did.  Parts she understood, parts she didn’t. She only said,  “Mom, I know you think about it all the time.  You don’t think I do, but I know you do.”  She is right.  She asked me that important question…..the one I always ask myself, “Mom, he doesn’t talk to you, how can you believe he’s your soul mate?”  And we begin the discussion on how we do talk. Via this journal. Oh, we don’t say words, and I do all the talking, but he seems to appear and stretches out his hand to me, his way of responding.  She tries to make sense out of it, but how?  How can anyone that doesn’t share a connection as I do understand?  In the end it comes down to love.  She agrees.  Lots of questions.  Lots of non-answers too.  But we part that she knows that whatever this is, it is real for me.  And through this whole ½ hour conversation while I was at work and she was too, I discover something!  It is time to back off Jason.  Or as Amy said, “Well, at least for today!”  She is right. Now, I feel as if I can let go as I realize what my “soul mate” means to me. Jason has to find his way too.  Thing is tho, I don’t hurt everyone around me to have what my heart longs for.  I wait to see if things somehow fall into place….and slowly, I see everything about my life changing.  A strange, but great conversation when all was said and done.

And it was to get even MORE strange! I emailed my friend Carol who is acting as my Referral Agent.  “I’m free any night but Friday.” I emailed her about setting up appointments. Soon I heard back from her.  We have an appointment tonight at 6:00.  And another tomorrow night.  *head was spinning*  I had told her my house was clean and landscaping had been done.  She for sure had done her homework!  She had narrowed it down to 3 different Realtors she wanted me to interview.  Very “seasoned” Realtors!  And she had an appointment for me in 4 hours!!!! I had NO idea when I awakened this morning I’d be put on the fast track of selling the property.  It reminds me of what I once sensed, and have told Elizabeth for years!  “When it all happens I think it will be *snap* suddenly!  It will all just happen.”  For a moment as I realized how quickly this was to happen I remembered those feelings of so many years gone by.

I came home and got ready.  Final touches on everything.  As promised, Carol showed up at 6:00 with a team of Realtors.  Yes, I said “team.”  A man and a woman.  I took them around my house, the property, the rental house next door.  The barns outdoors.  They asked the right questions. I was OVERLY impressed!  But Carol, my guardian angel at the moment I think, told me not to jump.  “Meet the other 2 I have scheduled tomorrow night.”  She said.  She is on top of all of this!  She has worked for years in the Real Estate Market around town.  And this is someone I have known scarcely through the years, and yet, she is playing this HUGE part in the bridge of change for me.  A friend I trust with all my heart now.

The people I met with tonight seem to feel that my property is very sellable, especially if I sub divide, which is already done.  That is how they want to market it.  Exception being the possibility that they already have a client who is LOOKING for property with 2 houses in a specific school district.  Mine.  She is SO hoping I sign on with them I think because she really thinks this is what this lady may be looking for.  Excitement!  Both she and her male counterpart were REALLY excited about the place.  It’s what I needed.  My first Realtor could only see lowering the price. Lower, lower. This wasn’t about money so far tonight. (Tho we will probably get there at our next appointment Wednesday.)  I believe they truly looked forward to the challenge of the uniqueness of my property.

Carol finished last, after seeing off the team.  “I want you to follow your gut.”  She told me.  “I will give you my 2 cents after you have interviewed the other two.”  She says with a sly smile.  I like how she presents me with a gift of listening to my heart, while guiding me at the same time……..as I said,  “My guardian angel for now.”

Now, I find myself tired.  What was supposed to be a down week, with no plans has quickly become something happening every night!   As hubby and I had dinner with Elizabeth and “G”, it dawned on me.  Something the Realtor said,  “We had a property like this up north for sale a few weeks ago. It sold in 3 weeks.  Property as yours is going right now.”  I looked at Elizabeth and “G.”  I may be where you guys are!  Selling and no place to go!  “I may have to come to Toledo until I can find a house!” I joked with Elizabeth.  She laughed, cause she still doesn’t have a place!  And the words, “Suddenly.”  Come to mind.  “When it all begins to fall into place, it will be suddenly.”  Is this that time once spoken to me?

I think I’ll fall to sleep now.  But I want to close with this, as it was a big topic for Amy and I today.  I have a lot of love in my heart, and the number one love of my life is and will always be, God.  Nothing will ever rise above that place.  Without Him to guide me, or lead me, or give me the next breath I breath, I would be paralyzed.  With everything going on around me that is, I know that I have to depend upon Him every step of the way.  And He fills me, and gives me strength.  My faith remains strong, because of who He is in my life.  I just wanted to close that way.  Giving glory where glory truly is due.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Do you remember a long time ago when I said these words to you:  “One morning you will wake up and say, “She is free.”  Suddenly, I remember saying that to you. It came back to me as if it were words I needed to remind you of.  Odd feelings in the moment.  And in the darkness of my room, I reach out to you.  I had to defend my truth today, a truth I have come to understand so well.  This journey that we walk isn’t back to one another, but back to the light.  How hard it is to explain this to people……everyone wants to make it about some romance novel or something!  Okay, so our story I think is very beautiful!  Enough so that I will write it and share it because I believe it is meant to be shared, BUT, in the end, it is more about God’s love for you.  God’s love for me.  And how that love will guide us to so many things in the end.  Just when we both had pretty much surrendered to life just being, God had so much waiting for both of us.  He still does.  Seems impossible sometimes, huh?  But it’s not.  Just remember what I once kept hearing,  “Sudden! When it happens, it will be sudden.”  And who knows……….perhaps one morning very soon you will awaken and say,  “She is free, she is finally free.”  And what will you do then? *wink*  I send you love and light…..and hold you in that place where there is no expectation…..only love.  Have a beautiful tomorrow.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine

Sometimes it's scaray to be on the bridge!  So you simply make it a bridge of faith!