One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is love.

What the world needs now is love.  Sweet, sweet love.  Okay, that is what my world needs!  And as is my total belief, judgment begins in the house of the Lord.  My house.

Today was probably the most sad day I have had since March.  So much drama and anger.  Mostly from me.  The Jason situation finally reaching what I would call explosive levels, of which exploded!  For him. For me.  For most of his family.  I sit here tonight ashamed to even think of some of my actions during the day.  I so am NOT a person of love and light sometimes.  And with this situation, it’s most of the time.

It began when Amy called to tell me that she wanted me to know that girlfriend had invited Chad’s mom and sister to the shower and they were going.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal I know, but to Amy and I, it was.  Almost like some betrayal or something.  It would make Amy look horrible if she didn’t go, and let’s not even discuss me!!!  It settled it for me.  No, I’m not going!  I felt as if this was WAY out of hand now.  In the meantime Chad is into it with his mom for going, and then gets mad at Amy because she is SO angry about it, that they get into it. I get into it with Amy because I am being a jerk, and poor Amy who is hormonal right now being pregnant is stuck between a rock and a hardplace! And well, without all the boring details, it snowballed into everyone making huge mistakes!  Chad finally emailed girlfriend a small note not so kind.  It got Jason all upset, and yet more drama! I finally called Jason and told him it was really all his fault.  If he would have tried to make all of us feel a part of his celebration NONE of us would have ever felt alienated as we do.  I was through with it all!! I think he knew it as we hung up.  He did call his sister tonight, but no one has told me how that went.  Well, except Joel, who is visiting right now from Tulsa.  Poor Emma and Joel!  Their first trip home with Baby Drew, and WWIII is breaking out.  When I think of it, I feel sad.  Where is the love I profess to have within me?  Where does it go when the rage buried within shows it’s ugly face?  Is the love still there?  Surely it is…….but how dark the rage is.  And now that I have let it all out, I calmly look back over the day and go, “I am such a fool!!”  I am, I am.

Of course most of this is being played out as I try to work!

And let’s add on top of that weekend plans.  My mother-in-law who had the major stroke in Colorado in February, and came home because “HER” feelings got hurt by her daughter, now is going back.  Forgiveness must come in separation and reflection I think.  So Saturday, EVERYONE is coming to my house, this means hubby’s brothers, and wives, nieces and nephews, grandkids, cousins, aunts.  I don’t know how many I will have, but I’m guessing about 40-50.  This is SATURDAY!  Tonight is what?  Thursday! I haven’t planned a menu, not to mention even begun to cook!  It will work I tell myself. It will all work out!  Joel, Emma, Drew and Skylar will be here tomorrow about the time I get off work.  They will be here till Sunday morning.  Time with Drew, except I will be so busy with so much company!  It’s such a rare time tho.  How often does hubby’s mom get ALL her kids, with the exception of hubby’s sister, together?  She will then leave Wednesday for Colorado.  No one sure if she will ever be back.  Kind of sad.  This is why I thought SOMEONE should do something for her before she left. 

I really am so unsure of where this journey of life is supposed to take me at the moment.  Eyes swollen, drained beyond belief,  a longing to follow my heart, and at the same time caught in a world of drama……….I feel drained and so unsure of what is going on.  When I finally got a moment of down time, which was about 9:45, I found myself going to an internet site of homes for sale in Raleigh, NC.  Now where this Raleigh thing is coming from I have NOT a clue!  Maybe it’s because it is so close to the ocean without being on the ocean?  Maybe it is a place that still has a bit of 4 seasons?  Perhaps it is because I have heard it has the most beautiful nature surrounding it?  Or maybe, there is a reason unknown to me yet?

I just think tonight I’m too drained to think about too much.  I really don’t like negative journaling, but I do believe everyone hits crisis levels in their lives.  The thing about Jason is I’m not trying to talk him out of marrying girlfriend, I think he has to follow his heart, but the hurt and anger comes in because of his avoidance of his family, the manipulation girlfriend has used to keep him away from his family, and the fact he now turns it all back on me.  Is it fixable?  I have to believe God is a really BIG God that can move mountains.

And for a moment I drift off in thought to soul mate.  So far away.  Does he have these major drama issues in his life?  Or has he sheltered himself from the drama for so long that he doesn’t let it in?  And crazy as this sounds, I still wonder, on these days I sob, and sob, and fight the most emotionally challenging times, somewhere out there, does he feel it?  For just a moment I want to touch the magic of something that so special happened to me one time.  And know, is it true?  We connect and share that energy?

Now, I will head to bed. An escape from the daily challenges of living some days.  And yet, tomorrow I could awaken and be so filled with joy during the day because life is a journey and it is filled with balance. Ups and downs.  Ins and outs.  Light and dark. Love and hate.  But in the end, the weight and pain we often carry can free us with one word,  LOVE.  If only when the rage settles upon me the next time may I focus on this truth.

And I am off for some quiet prayer time with God. A lot of forgiveness needed tonight……..

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I never want to let you down by my shortcomings at night, but I also don’t want to not be honest with you either. I fail.  So often I fail miserably!  But when all is said and done, my heart is filled with a love from above…..sometimes it’s just hard to get there tho!  And in the rage, sometimes I will think of you.  What makes me write at night?  What makes me have a need to reach out to you?  What makes me believe it is you?!  J  A quiet knowing from within.  Just a quiet knowing that feels you so near. I just pray one day, I will see you again.  I’m so desperately now just wanting to see you and touch where my heart is.  I wish I knew the way.  I need you tonight.  Perhaps I will find you in a dream.  Those are the times I cherish.  I send you love and light, so glad you can’t see me tonight!  J  It sure ain’t pretty!!!!!  But if you look close enough in my heart, you will see something so beautiful.  And it’s for you.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

Where does this foggy road lead?