What a difference a day can make.  Yesterday seemed so down to me.  I was quiet and still, and battling that thing which has haunted me for so long now, my son.  Today I woke up with a whole better attitude about it all.  Was it that prayer I prayed last night when I closed my eyes?  “Please help me to not be angry.” 

I went to bed way too late. I got into some heavy duty conversation with Spirit Bear that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  That and trying to journal at the same time as well.  It was once again 2:00 a.m. before I went to sleep.  It has to stop!  I joke and say I can finally do artist hours, which 2:00 – 9:00 is a great sleep pattern for me, but my life is not yet conducive to living those hours.  Party is over tonight. I must be in bed earlier because I have to work tomorrow. *chokes*  Yes, Mr. Boss called me in.  Actually, he is doing it to help me. I am supposed to be back at work on July 30^th.  Due to the Jason wedding thing, I need that day off.  So Mr. Boss was nice enough to tell me to trade a day with him.  That day will be tomorrow. He has some things he needs done now, so it is a win/win situation for both of us.  Tho, it is SO hard to think of going back and working!  If even for a day.  Guess I better get used to it tho, I realized today that I go back in 2.5 weeks. *sighs*  I had so hoped the property would sell.  But it didn’t.  Responsibility tells me I must continue working until doors open that I go somewhere else.  I will go back now, or so it seems, and begin my 20^th year there.  My gosh!  How young I was when I began at the school!  Like, 29!  Where does the time go?

I have no regrets really about being there this long. Actually, I have great memories.  That job brought my best friend to me, and some other great friends. I grew in the job beyond belief, and learned so very much!  It’s the job that brought soul mate to me! *smiles* When I think of it, it has been such a blessing.  I think back, to when I got the job.  I had been working in radio and was putting in 60 hour weeks.  It wasn’t fair as my kids were so young at the time.  The school job sounded wonderful!  I could have Christmas break (back then it was still called Christmas break), spring break, and most importantly, summers off! I would be on the same schedule as my kids!  AND, I would work where they would one day go to high school!  But my credentials weren’t really up to par on some office professional job.  Plus, the opening was for a higher position as it held the title of “Administrative Secretary.”  I’d never been a secretary!  My background was in sales/marketing and management. 

My brother had died the summer before and I began to take a look at life a bit differently. What was important and what wasn’t.  It seemed to me my kids would only be young once, and I was tired of not being around for them.  I tried to call the new incoming principal, John when I heard of the opening in May. I was told when I called that he wouldn’t begin working till July 1, and he will hire his own secretary, I would have to wait till he begins his new job as well. Not much I could do, so I began to pray. I particularly remember praying really hard on my deck one night, telling God how wonderful this would be!  As if God didn’t already know my heart and how I felt the need to be with my kids more.  I prayed so hard that night, and felt the release that God was sending me to that place for a reason.  I trusted what I was feeling on the inside. (This was before the visions had really begun.)  I ended that night on my deck telling Him that I knew if I got the job it would be Him that gave it to me and I’d always honor that.  And I released it.  John did start on July 1.  I called him on July 1!  “Hi, I hear you have an opening, and I really want the opportunity to talk to you about it.”  John was progressive.  He was all about kids, and light attitudes.  He could be strict, no doubt, but he was one of the most caring individuals I ever knew.  I interviewed with him in the next few days. He knew I lacked secretarial skills, but he saw my personality, he once told me.  He more wanted someone with my openness and kindness for the kids.  I left that interview feeling good.  I called back the next week.  He had interviewed 17 others and had narrowed it down to 3. I was one of the 3.  I did end up getting the job.  A real miracle had occurred.  John stayed for 3 years before moving to Asst. Superintendent within our corporation. To this day he remains my favorite boss.  He and I had a great system and communicated well.  He died a few years ago of the same cancer my mom had died of 9 months earlier.  He was young, leaving behind a fairly young wife in her early 50s, and kids my kids ages. I was very sad and wished I had told him how much it had meant to me that he gave me a chance and saw the potential without the experience.  He was right.  He wanted someone who would love the kids through the years.  I always have related well with teenagers and feel as if God has used me on so many occasions with kids that are hurting or confused.  And that is how 19 years ago I got the job I have. 

Remembering my promise to God makes it easier to return.  Apparently He still has me there for a reason.  I know the time is so short that I will be leaving, but until then, I will remember how it all came about!  The miracle of and go in and do the best job I can.  As long as I am there.

So tomorrow there will be no pool time.  L  Am I spoiled these days or what?

I did begin my day today with a pool workout at the health club.  I power walked and alternated swimming laps.  I worked out for an hour!  Now THAT is a long time in the blazing sun!  Even in the pool.  It was great. I had the pool to myself and had my ipod blaring as I worked out.  Not the same as a meditation hike but all the same, right now, I feel such a sense of God around me.

I began to pray on the wedding.  No, I wasn’t sad in this moment, as I woke feeling really good today.  Like everything is okay and falling into place as it is meant to.  Sometimes I don’t know what to pray?  So here is what I ended up with, as it remains on my lips even tonight.  “Father, please, where there is anger, replace it with this incredible love and light!  Please let me be a vessel of light when I go.  May I shine brightly, so brightly that all anger has subsided!  I can’t do it on my own, but God, I will make you a deal,  I will give you the anger, and you give me the love and light and just let me shine with a peace that surpasses all understanding.”  As I was praying I was seeing light fall all around me.  I gave God the anger then and there, and He gave me love and light.  I have to believe it will continue to remain, me with the love, God taking the anger, until this event is over and done with.  It was such a powerful swim!  All of life’s problems in the moment solved as I swam laps and talked to God.  Funny how I can rise above where I am to that place He and I meet to talk. 

In addition I had the strangest thoughts come on me as I was working out.  A symbol to be shared between soul mate and I.  Isn’t it funny how certain things come out of nowhere?  I will risk being way out there tonight to try to explain this.  The symbol I was to share with him is that of a pyramid.  Made with your hands. Extend your thumbs straight, touching to form a bottom line, then diagonal both index fingers to touch at the top, forming a pyramid. Then place it over your heart.  It was what I was seeing as I power walked.  What does it represent?   The pyramid to me is an eternal thing.  God at the top, twin souls at the bottom corners.  The love flows from the top, then between the two, side to side.  The important thing in this tho is the love flows from above.  The top.  That place where God resides.  Always and forever at the top.  Without that love flowing from His position, you simply have a straight line between two.  But when it first flows from the top to each individual corners, then it is completed when it is shared between the two.  I don’t know if I am explaining it right or not.  I just know it is something I was shown a few years ago.  Today, it came to me that I could make the symbol.  It could be shared with him.  Our sign! I laughed to myself as I power walked seeing me one day run into him, and giving him this sign.  Then I thought to myself, what would I do if he gave it back?  Ahhhhh………the miracle of believing that something you can’t really touch or see is so very real.  I do believe.

After my time in the pool, all of life’s problems now solved, at least for a drive to the grocery store, I felt so up.  Yesterday I was down, even in tears a lot of the day, now I was up.  Life is SO up and down!

The grocery store got me down. I don’t like to be negative, but has anyone noticed how EXPENSIVE everything is getting to be these days?!  I hate to admit this, but I seldom if EVER go grocery shopping anymore. I just eat out all the time!  But, I have vowed to lose these pounds I’ve been working on since the beginning of the year and will eat much healthier now. It meant going to the store. Yuck.  Was I in shock or what when I started pricing everything and realized how high food is these days!

But it didn’t get me down enough to ruin my otherwise beautiful day. I brought home my groceries and put them all away.  I was headed again for the pool!  My pool. I would float and dream, and talk to God some more.  And I did. For another couple hours.

Then I headed in.  I needed to call Leo as she had left me a message yesterday and it was the first chance I had to call her back.  She was unavailable, so I left a message to give me a call.  Then, I called the place that Jason is getting married.  I ended up booking a one bedroom condo.  Joel and Emma will have to sleep on the sofa/sleeper.  I called Emma to make sure that was okay, which it was.  It is going to cost me now about $300 more than the hotel I had reservations in, but I convinced myself I am doing this for Jason.  I think this is SO not a good thing, BUT, it is his life, and if it was that important to him that I stay there, then I wasn’t going to let him down.  Regardless of what the past 6 months has been.  Think God took the anger?  Think He gave me the love and light? 

Leo and I caught up shortly after.  She has been talking on and off with her man of mystery.  Well, not talking, but emailing.  So cool!  I am SO happy for her!  It’s not anything major, but what is major?  I mean, these stories we all live are about SO much more than the romantic issues, or so I have completely come to believe.  And we talked.  Like 2 silly high school girls sometimes we share secrets and tell what’s really in our hearts.  She tells me when she hangs up, “No matter what is happening with me, somehow I feel better when I can talk it out with you.”  I feel the same way.  I guess it’s the old adage, “2 heads are better than one.”  As we are talking, she pulls out a book she has recently purchased.  It’s a numerology book, which I’m not really into, BUT, she tells me how accurate it is for her, and for her man of mystery.  So she reads me mine!  I will not spoil the fun tonight, as she promised me she would email it, and I will post it here, but OMG!  She is right!  HOW accurate this was as it described me!  Stay tuned.  Soon as she emails it to me, I will post it here.  If you’re interested in finding out your own description on your birthday, let me know, I will pass along Leo’s email to you.  *note to soul mate:  We’ve already done your birth date, and while I don’t really know that much about you, what little I do, OMG! It is SO you!!!”  If you want, let me know and I will give you her email address so she can give it to you!” Scary accurate, it’s the best way to describe this! I felt so great when I hung up!

Perhaps it is because as I talked to her, I told her something I have been thinking. Isn’t it funny, when you open up your heart to someone else to say what is really within you, it becomes all the more real?  I told her today that honestly, I really want to move to the Outer Banks. Maybe not as far south as Hatteras, as that is really desolate, but around Kitty Hawk or Nags Head.  I KNOW there is a creative force in this place.  So I tell Leo what I am seeing.  It seems so reckless and unpractical tho.  “I can’t even go there for a  week without hubby thinking he has to guard me!  Now I am saying I want to go there permanently!  Buy a place out there, and write!  Leo listens, as we both agree that my whole life, I have had people in my life that have created a co-dependency within me.  What is it about me that made people think they have to take care of me?  So we switch gears to talk of this.  She compares her own life to mine.  Freedom! I want SO much to make my way as I approach the upper years of my life.  I feel sad, and frustrated as I talk of it, but as I think of moving there, and beginning that of which I think I see in my heart and my tomorrows, I feel filled with the most incredible gift of life! But is it selfish?  I ask this over and over.  “No Sunshine it isn’t!  You have given of yourself all of your life.  Your kids are raised, it is time to live life for you.” Leo assures me. We close on that thought.  I sit on my porch swing for a time and think that this is becoming more and more of a plausible thing in my heart.  Am I being led?  What lies ahead?  Only good! I know this with all my heart! Only good.

Tonight my friend Dave came over.  My upbeat conversations today and the belief that soon I am to follow my dreams were a bit tainted by our conversations.  I love Dave.  We are on the same page about so many things in life, but tonight, we got into harsh reality.  Dave is 31, just turned.  We can talk for hours and hours.  Tonight he brought to me things I didn’t need to know.  While I won’t go into details, I am now beginning to understand why it is I don’t watch TV anymore, nor listen to the radio these days!  Things are going on out there I had no idea even existed!  I felt hopeless to be honest when I heard of some of the things the younger generation is doing, but then I remembered that I am a person of love and light and I must never give up on the love of God to lead me through all things.  “How do you bring the world back to a place of good and light and love?” I asked Dave in a sad tone.  “I don’t know Sunshine? I don’t know.”  Prayer I decided! Prayer.

Now, I must head to bed.  Work tomorrow!  I will go in remembering why it is I am there, and the miracle of.  I will also keep a positive attitude because this is going to be a trade day so that I am not rushed to get back from Jason’s wedding.  Well, I will keep a positive attitude, because I think we are happiest when we see things from a light perspective.

With those thoughts I will close.  It’s been a busy, beautiful day, even tho there were things that tried to dampen it, I still felt an incredible light surround me.  I think God took that anger, and did something with it, but in return, He showered me with the most incredible love and light.  I have decided I got the better end of the deal!

As the faith, love, and light led me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Do you like the symbol? /\?  Over your heart now!  LOL.  It was the craziest thing?  It came out of nowhere.  So I thought what the heck, I would write about it and tell you.  I once sent you a necklace.  Do you remember it?  Do you still have it?  Or was that one of those crazy, way out there things I once did?  I never saw it on you?  Did you notice I had mine on that night I saw you last?  Oh how embarrassed I get sometimes when I think of the things I have done.  Oh surely you have been entertained through the years!  But wait?  When I said that, I see you genuinely really treasuring those things I have done.  You hold them in your heart and cherish them all.  Like that home made CD I once sent too.  Why do I suddenly see how much they meant to you?  Oh, this is maddening!  Sometimes I think I have lost it, all this seeing things I don’t understand!  I just have a feeling that there is SO many deep areas in you of which no one ever sees………….but I can.  Why?  Because I think it is this spiritual connection we share.  Honestly, crazy as it seems I do believe that is the place we are connected.  And because it is, then we can see deeper into one another than we can explain or believe.  There you go!  Me once again way out there on a limb. But I’m no longer afraid.  You still come here, and you still touch me everyday, in spite of believing things that can’t be seen.  Perhaps you believe as much as I do?  I hope.  I’d hate to think I’m in this all alone!  But I don’t think so, you are here.  Everyday, so close, you come.  And we touch, and our hearts are filled with so much love.  Not from me, but from above…..it flows down to touch each one of us.  Now, I send you love and light from my corner to yours………….Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

Believing is seeing……..

I’d say it feels great to be home, but it doesn’t.  I am grateful for this house and property of which I live, but it is almost as if this isn’t the place I have always known.  Perhaps this is a natural separation that needs to occur. I only know that as I lay in my pool today, there was a constant stream of visitors next door.  It made me sad.  This place has always been so desolate in a lot of ways.  Now, it has become a hang out place for some young bachelors who live next door.  It is so time to sell!!  Sometimes I want to scream, “WHAT IS THE HOLD UP?”  Ahhh…….but all things happen in perfect timing, right?

I slept in this morning. I’ve got to stop these 2:00 a.m. bedtimes!  So much coming up, this is not a good schedule for me to be on.

When I woke up I did a meditation hike.  An awesome time as I am still touched by the “Conversations With God” DVD of which I have still only watched half.  I walked the 2.5 miles, in heat that made the dogs lag behind, as they panted so incredibly hard.  I was lost in the love and light Jesus sends to me when I get to that place, it was the endurance I needed to complete my time this morning.

I spent the rest of the day for the most part floating in my pool.  A lot of quiet and still time. I floated for close to three hours. I think God has a way of working it out that I have these down times, so that when the next rift of life comes my way, I have been still and filled with peace.  I guess it’s a gift from God to fill me before the next challenge.  That coupled with the fact I was so tired from all the travels and getting home so late last night, I found myself dozing.  So restful and peaceful.  It was good.  The Jason saga was about to heat up again.  I was glad for an afternoon of peace before hand.

After all that floating time,  I came in to make reservations for Jason’s wedding in Alabama.  The hotels in Orange Beach, where he is to be married are running upwards of $350 per night.  I made reservations in Pensacola, FL. It was only 30 miles away and rates were so much cheaper.  I emailed Emma with the details.  She had been emailing girlfriend, or should I now say, fiancée to try to get as much detail as she could, which was very limited!  Let’s see, Joel is traveling how many miles to be best man and no one can tell them what is happening, and this wedding event is 3 weeks away?  Emma passes along what info she has gotten, tho it is very sketchy.  She thanks me that I found a reasonable room, with a fridge in it.  I feel as if I will have one friend at this event, Emma, of which I am SO not looking forward to going to!

I hang up and begin to cry.  I try to understand why I am crying. I have accepted Jason is going to marry her.  I know this is part of his journey apparently. I have written a letter of apology to her, and told her she’d be welcomed into our family.  I had let go.  So why am I crying I asked myself? And I realized it was because here I am, his mom, and no one has even mentioned ANYTHING about plans to me.  We simply received an invitation by mail.  Parents of the groom and all we are involved in is receiving an invitation.  I cry because I sense that girlfriend’s family is buying and paying for Jason.  My son that I adore, who will not listen to me!  I am being shunned in this whole wedding thing!  I don’t want to go! I am a person of peace, yes, but if push comes to shove, I can and usually will come out fighting.  That means “going off on people.”  How can I go to this wedding, after these people have so blatantly ignored the fact Jason does have a family and act all nice?  Anger was taking over.  I was crying, and so hurt!  So what do I do? I pick up the phone and call Jason.  He’ll never answer! I think to myself, after all, he hasn’t answered ANY of my calls in how many months?

Guess what? Today, he answers! Quick! Hide the tears and the sobs!!  “Hey what are you doing?”  He asks as he answers the phone.  “Not much.  Just wanted to let you know we made it home from the Outer Banks okay.”  We make small talk about the trip.  Was it fun, etc.  “What’s the matter mom? You sound like you’re getting ready to cry.”  “No, I’m not! Honest!!” I say in way that I just can’t hide tears.  “I made reservations at the Best Western in Pensacola.” I begin to tell him.  “It’s about 31 miles away.”  “But I WANT you to stay at the place we are getting married!”  He tells me in an argumentive tone.  “Jason!  I tried! It was going to be $732 for 2 nights! I’m not going to spend that for 2 nights!”  “But I’m afraid if you don’t stay there, you won’t feel a part of the wedding at all! I know it’s expensive, but it is what we want.”   Excuse me?  Be a part of it?!  Doesn’t he understand I haven’t felt a part of ANY of this since they told us in March they were getting married?!  I began to explain to him that we hadn’t been a part of ANY of this at all.  He told me he had made some mistakes.  We banter back and forth as I remind him I don’t want to fight, but I feel that staying for 2 nights at $229, vs. $700 makes a whole lot more sense!  He gives me his reasons for wanting me to stay where he is, “What if I want to come talk to you?  You’d be 30 miles away! And what if I want to talk to Joel?”  I think to myself, “You haven’t talked to me since March, why would you need to talk now?”  I don’t say what I am thinking because if there is one thing I don’t want to do, it is fight.  We leave it that I will think about it.  “It would mean so much to me mom if you would stay where I am.”  What to do?

I hang up and I cry.  More. Where is the beach when I need it?  And I think of where I was just a week ago at that moment. God got me away for awhile, but there comes a time you have to return. I go out on my porch swing and I cry for a few more minutes.  Hubby comes around, “What’s wrong?”  I tell him.  “Oh well! Sorry!  Ain’t gonna happen!”  He says as he sweeps the deck.  He goes about doing whatever it is he is doing. He doesn’t know what to do about all this, so he retreats and just doesn’t deal with it.  But someone has to!

So I call Joel.  Poor Joel, he has taken the blunt of most of this!  Guess that’s what happens when you are a twin and your twin is on a wayward path.  No answer. I leave a message.  It is obvious I’ve been crying.  He calls shortly after, and we talk.  He makes it clear that this is the most screwed up wedding plans he himself has ever seen, but he is going to support his brother.  He had told Jason last week that he couldn’t afford the rooms at the hotel of which Jason is staying.  But Jason knows I have the money, if I will spend it.  He figures I will pay for Joel too. Thus the guilt sent my way.  Joel and I talk for a long time. I decide I will try to call the hotel tomorrow to check on a one bedroom suite, vs. a 2 bedroom. Perhaps that will save me a couple hundred dollars.

If Jason would have told me this a month ago I would have not gone to the Outer Banks and spent that money!  I tried to tell him this, but when I look in my heart tonight, that is not true. I needed the Outer Banks, and I would have gone anyway!  I sit on my deck and I cry to myself, gentle tears. I SO want to get away!  I want to sell the place and just move.  Truly, the Outer Banks call me now. I know it’s reckless and SO not practical, but what if I can write books?  Wouldn’t this be the divine place to do that?  I know I can’t run, but a part of me is SO wanting to go someplace.

The rest of the night was spent IM’ing with Spirit Bear and Dovey.

I’m through the crying now. Having convinced myself that God will pull me through the next few weeks.  And for the wedding, I will begin tomorrow to do affirmations that I will NOT be angry! I will NOT be angry! I will NOT be angry!  *deep breaths, hold palms out, face up*  Love,  I will baste in the love God pours out and when I am faced to do those things I so greatly DON’T want to do, I will trust Him that even tho I am weak, He is strong.  All is in His hands, over and over, I must remind myself of this.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:   If you only knew how much in this moment I want to reach out to you!  How could words express it?  I’m not sure they can, so I hope that wherever you are, in this very moment, which it is 1:17 a.m.,  that you feel a warmth surround you.  In case you ever wonder if this is real, please, do me a favor?  Look in your heart.  Look past any fear that this just can’t be real, to look in your heart and find what is there, because without a doubt, I believe with all my heart, you will find a love written there.  I so wish I understood why we are where we are?  2 people that feel so much for another, and yet, for what ever reason can’t talk?  But we do find one another anyway.  Through space and time, we find one another.  Everyday!  We get to touch everyday.  I want so much more, but allow the faith within me to trust that which is meant to be one day will.  No expectations! I keep telling myself this, but why is it as the years go on, I feel more and more close to you?  So much time has passed, and yet, not a day goes by that you don’t feel so close.  It’s so unexplainable, and at the same time seems to be the most real thing I have ever known.  I reach for you…..I so hope wherever you are, you feel the warmth.  The magic of what this is.  I am sending you love and light.  Believe.  Never stop believing!  I am here, and you are here, and it is the light that will continue to lead us on.  Goodnight, With a lot of love……….. Sunshine

Through Space and Time, You are Ever Near.........Believing is seeing!