I worked most of the day, having gone in at 8:30, I didn’t leave till after 3:00.  I always dread going back, but once there, it is good to see familiar faces I work with and I think sometimes take for granted.  Rick, day custodian I have worked with for nearing 10 years now, for instance was sitting at my desk. Just waiting for me as he had been told I was coming in. He was THRILLED to see me! I felt wanted and needed.  He’s always told me he believes he works at school because he was supposed to meet me.  Not an ego trip on my part by any means, just commenting that this is in his heart.  How many times have I prayed with him?  Or shared thoughts on surviving a dark journey?  He was so happy so see me, it made me feel special.  And Donna of course was thrilled!  She had so much to tell me of her Alaskan Cruise.  Even Mr. Boss was happy I came in.  He had a lot he wanted done, of which I worked so hard, considering we are off line and I’m having to do everything half backwards!  And then………..he called me into his office.  Ut oh!

“So Sunshine, what are you plans?  I hear you have your place up for sale.”  I’m not sure I was ready for this, BUT, on the other hand, how long has he heard the rumors?  So I tell him, “When it sells, I am moving to the city.  Hubby was transferred.”  A few more questions came my way. I answered as best I could,  “I will not do what Elizabeth did!”  I begin to explain.  “I am NOT giving you any type of notice what so ever.  It may take a couple years selling my place.”  He understands as I explain how unique my property is.  But then I don’t stop there! I begin to tell him of my aspirations!  “I will take at least a year off to finish a book I am writing, find a publisher, market it, etc.”  “Really?!”  He says with a sort of odd smile.  “What is the content?”  He asks.  “It’s about he journey of life. I am really into journaling and do it on line.  I work with people from all over the world from time to time.  You really don’t know me Mr. Boss,” I go on, as if I haven’t said too much already, “You know me as the person you see here, but there is a WHOLE other person, that has a pen name and everything!  That is the person I really am.”  Okay!  I should have my head examined, but even now I can’t stop!  Why oh why didn’t I just take my flip flop off and put it in my mouth as I continued,  “It’s a dream, but I believe in dreams coming true.  Mr. Boss, life is a journey!  Bad things happen, and things happen to disappoint us, but if you can turn it around and grow through it, you find life is so much different!”  Does he think I’m a dingbat I begin to wonder as the words keep coming!  “It’s incredible to me the doors God is opening!  I take no credit for any of this, it is totally God. It truly is a gift and I am so humble about it.”  By now he is just watching me, how can I explain this?  “It’s very spiritual, this journey I am on. It’s a journey of faith.”  Oh great!  Now he’s probably going to go home and do a search on this and *poof* find me!  But I can’t stop!  He says little.  Just a small smile, “That’s really neat.”  He finally says in a dazed sort of way.  Was he shocked?  I mean how do you react to someone that is believing in journeys and dreams when you are in the world of academia?  I left there half sorry for the things I had said, and yet, it was as if the words flowed and I had NO control over them!  Perhaps I was meant to say what I did for whatever reason?  Perhaps it was when I brought up my friend Carol who happened to graduate with him that he took me so serious.  Her name came up innocently enough……..I explained how she was my referral real estate agent. I knew she had graduated with Mr. Boss, but Mr. Boss didn’t know I knew.  “She is a woman of so many talents!”  He begins to tell me.  “I know!”  “She wrote a book!”  He says.  “I know, she is a mentor for me.”  I think he was trying to make the connection somehow.  “I’ve known her for years. Our lives have crossed paths since Amy was in kindergarten.  It’s as if we weave in and out of one another’s life. I respect her so much.”  Was it then he took me a bit more seriously?  He obviously respected Carol so very much and must figure that perhaps I am hanging with the right crowds if she is involved.

This is a subject that is very hard for me, and has been for years. The lack of a college degree.  Working in education you feel it so very much.  But I never felt led to go back to school just to get a degree.  Now I’d love to, but someone once told me don’t you DARE go and study creative writing!  You have a natural gift!  Still, I suffer from years and years of humility on my lack of formal education.  Yet, at a deep level, I sense that God uses that humility to His good purposes.  He takes those that are humble in spirit and uses them. Or so I have noticed as life goes on. So, I stay just me.  No college education, and still believing I can write books, and go out and reach the lost and the hurting…………who will go if they haven’t been sent?  And who will go if they are sent? And I say, “I will, but I am simple.”  And God says, “I know and that is why I am sending you.” 

Don’t know where that came from, guess it was just a moment of God and me discussing.  I’m supposed to leave it.  Hmmmm…..?

Mr. Boss was okay with what we talked about in the end. I sense he wondered why I never told him since I have told so many others, but the truth was, why would I?  I think at some level he dreads thinking of me leaving as I do believe he knows how much I know and handle without him even knowing I do.  Yet, he was encouraging. I hope?

Speaking of all of this, this is what is supposed to happen in my life according the book Leo has and for someone born on March 18, 1958:

Here is the March 18 birthday blurb:

You are out to beautify the world. You are multitalented and invite notables to your generous table. Your scope is limitless. When you discipline yourself to impersonalize your love of human beings and nature, expect to influence a multitude of tastes.

Youth offers social growth. Mid-life demands individualism, stamina and unselfishness. Later years will nurture your talents, and you will be inspirational to your peers. Speak up. Words are your weapons, and they provide you with a material tool that helps to buy your daily bread. The romance in your soul is displaced by practicality as time goes by.

Youth finds you money-conscious. Your obligations are heavy, and you are not able to follow your inspirations. Family and community place burdens upon you, but the guidelines set by an idealistic female early in life provide a barometer for difficult mid-life decisions. You must submit to the requirements of the group and are sheltered. Personal ambitions are placed on the shelf until you travel or seek a wider scope of education. Your ethics and standards are set in concrete as a youngster.

Mid-life places you in a service industry surrounded by people from various nations and backgrounds. You are not one to take advice, and you use your inventive and energetic mind to cope with exapensive fields that require efficient administration.

All the world loves a lover and you are the best. However, marriage is not a totally fulfilling commitment. Late years are dedicated to travel and reaching out to serve humanitarian causes.

Thanks to Leo for typing all of that and sending it to me!

For those that know me well, this is SO, SO accurate!  ALL of it! It’s as if someone that has watched my life has written this!  Leo says it is the same for her as well.  I’m not sure how numerology works, or what it’s about I only know I find this incredibly accurate. The last paragraph makes me laugh in a way, “Marriage is not a totally fulfilling commitment.”  Is there any other way to describe my life?  What really sticks out tho is the last line and what I will be doing in my late years!  “Travel and reaching out to serve humanitarian causes!”  When Leo first read this to me I screamed!  “YES! I will fulfill my destiny! I will write and go and speak to help women!”  Like a dream come true!  Hey, it’s already predicted for me, right?!  How ironic is that?  Do I believe it?  YES!  Why?  Because it is everything I have seen in my heart for my tomorrows, and it is truly my yesterdays as well.

It was a great day.  A soul mate day.  He felt so close all day.  Some days are like this, today was one of those days.  What was it?  How could I ever confirm what I feel?  Or perhaps I am never meant to?  Perhaps I am simply to walk by faith and allow that of which I know from within to be without question or the need for proof?  All I knew was he felt so close.

Jason called when I was at work. I was already on the phone with my friend Linn as we made plans to do lunch tomorrow.  I didn’t feel like calling him back till almost dinner time tonight.  He was upbeat and excited.  Could I be there by Friday so I can do all these things with fiancée?  I tried to explain that we would be traveling that day.  I really don’t think he gets what is happening on our end.  He thanked me for booking a room at the hotel he is at and the wedding will be.  I tried to be upbeat, but I just am so bothered by this one thing,  Amy.  I know she is being as brave as she can, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt this is tearing her up that she can’t be there.  Here we are, a “family” celebration, and she is at home.  Healing from having her 2^nd child just 8 days earlier.  There’s no way she can go, and with the post partum blues that tend to come about that time, I feel so bad.  Why was she never even considered?  Why does no one see how much this could really hurt her?  I’m her mom.  You can mess with me, but DON’T mess with one of my kids!  I began to tell Jason that he just didn’t understand I was having a hard time being excited because of Amy.  Sometimes I think it falls on deaf ears, tho for the first time tonight I DO think he was listening to me.  “Mom, I’ve told her how horrible I feel!”  He tried to explain.  “I’ll probably regret it later in life.”  I was fighting anger. I tried to remember my time yesterday with God, He has the anger I kept saying over and over.  “Jason, I don’t want to fight, but I am blaming you for this.” I said in a calm tone.  “I am going to ask you one thing.  Please, make sure NO ONE wants to do groom family pictures because I will refuse.  The family is NOT there, there are 4 missing family members (Amy, Chad, Skylar, and Bre.)”  He balks at this, but I tell him that there is NO WAY I will take a family photo.  We begin to discuss this, tears just under the surface as I am feeling so bad about Amy now.  “You’re not going to be like this at the wedding are you?”  He asked.  “No Jason, I will be full of love and light!  More so than you can imagine.”  I try to convince him.  “I will tell you this tho, on that Saturday, don’t count on me for anything. I will be on the beach getting filled with the love and light thing for the wedding that night. I can do anything on the beach.”  I think he realizes that I’m really NOT happy all of this.  It’s too late to change anything, I know this.  “It’s not that you’re marrying Susie! You obviously love her, and I so understand that!” I say as I think of my own feelings for soul mate,  “BUT, I will never understand why you cared so little about your sister that you would hurt her like this.”  Ouch!!!!  “Mom, it is tearing me up!”  He tells me.  “There’s another side to this, but I don’t want to fight either so I’m not going to bring it up.” He says in his own defense.  Good I think to myself.  He asks me if this is the last time we will talk about this.  “Yeah, it’s all water under the bridge, isn’t it?”  I say.  We hang up with him telling me he will “probably” be there next Friday when Gabrielle (Bre) is born.  As I hang up I have taken the anger back!  And I think when I take the anger back, God takes the love and light back, or something like that.  Hubby comes in shortly after and again asks what is wrong.  His reaction is not one I like so guess who begins a shouting match?!  Yup!  ME!  I think to myself I just don’t know that I can do this wedding thing!  Hubby doesn’t think I should.  I’ve got 2 weeks to get through the emotions of how inconsiderate these people have been!  That includes Jason, Susie, AND all of HER family!  *deep breaths*   So tomorrow, I will once again try to get rid of the anger, and fill with love and light.  Thing is now? I am not mad at Susie at all………….probably not even at her parents because not everyone understands courtesy and kindness, BUT, I am REALLY struggling with anger with Jason. He was raised with these standards and values.  SO, I work now on anger with him!  Perhaps God is chiseling away at these emotions now so that when it is wedding time, I will be okay.

A powerful mediation hike after work perhaps calmed me down when this call came.  What would I have been without it?

So, my day!  Mr. Boss is now aware of my upcoming whatever……..personally tonight, I’m not sure it will be the city! I am REALLY thinking through this Outer Banks thing! I’d go tonight if I could!  And then I have my birthday predictions sent from Leo of which I have kept meditating upon today, that was a highlight to the day!  And then I have soul mate!  A beautiful soul mate day, up until dinner time when the focus changed. Guess I should have kept on feeling what I was, and on the prayers of earlier in the day!  I failed again today.  I allowed the anger to get a hold of me again!  So tomorrow, I will pick myself up, go to God and confess all these icky feelings within me.  He will tell me to let it go, and I will trust Him.  And one more layer has been chiseled away.  When will I finally get to the place where I totally walk in the love and light I proclaim leads me?  Will that day ever come or will there always be this human side of me that reacts in ways I don’t want to react in?  It’s so tough sometimes this human experience I am having!  One day I will understand all the hurt and pain.  For now I just except that it is as much a gift to me as the joy and happiness……………after all, a real great journey is the one not on a straight boring road! But on one filled with mountain sides, and valleys!  Raging rivers, and soft-calm waters too.  It’s all about balance!  Lately, I am really getting balanced tho!

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Oh how I love those days when I feel you so near.  Why do I do that some days and others are so different?  Oh yeah!  Balance!!  Faith!! And all those things that make this journey we walk so incredible.  I just basked in the warmth I felt today of believing that we truly have found something that is so beyond what most people ever find in their lives.  Sometimes I wonder how we could cross from here to there?  I know I have felt it when I have seen you before.  This connection we share is so known, and yet, when I am standing there looking in your eyes, do you know how afraid I become?  Not because of you, but because of the intensity of what it is we share!  It can be a bit overwhelming!  Don’t you agree?!  Here you can get on stage and entertain thousands and have no fear, and yet, when you are with me, you feel the intensity and it scares you as much as it does me!  I think that is why we both say stupid things!  And let’s face it, we both have!  I am sure there are things you remember and think, “WHY DID I DO THAT?”  I know there are things I have said and go, “OMG! I can’t believe I did that!”  So we are like a couple of teenagers!  Yes, that is what it is! You make me feel so young again!  In a mature sort of way!!  J  I think it is the gift we bring one another…….from God.  A chance to do it again, and perhaps this time, with all of our past forgiven and the faith to believe in such beauty of newness, we could really get it right!  And live happily ever after!!!  Hey, I’m touching the romantic side of me tonight!  Bare with me……I love happy endings! And with all the faith I know, I say that we will see some sort of happy ending!  I see the horizon and I believe with all my heart it is filled with sunsets and soft white fluffy clouds, and ocean breezes………feel them in your hair?  I send you love and light to shine before you on your way.  A busy few days coming up, huh?  Always remember!  I am here………….always here.  A phone call a way, a close your eyes and dream away.  Believe!  Have beautiful and peaceful travels…..am I on your mind? *childish grin* Goodnight – Love ya, Sunshine