Tonight finds me with just a moment of quietness as I sit on Amy’s front porch.  I hear echoes of children playing in screams of delight somewhere in her neighborhood which I find amazing as it is 10:30 at night. Tho, I suppose it is summer, a time where all rules just don’t seem to apply.  Across the street someone is checking their mail for the first time too. Once again, I find that amazing for 10:30 at night.  I’m not use to neighborhood sounds when I sit out to journal. 

Yes, I had high hopes of going home tonight after getting Amy settled in when she got home, but it didn’t happen.  “Mom, you are staying tonight aren’t you?”  She asked the second we were in her door.  “Yes honey, whatever you need I’ll do.”  Was it a moment of weakness or did she really want her mom here?  I think so.  If anything I needed to be here for Skylar. She’s the one that had such a horrible day.  She is full of emotional turmoil. I feel SO bad for her, but her life has changed and soon, it will seem normal to her.

Wow, what work!  Skylar, and my 2 dogs first thing in the morning.  Now I know why moms have to be under a certain age to have kids!  It was chaotic for me!  Luckily Skylar slept in till 9:30, which gave me plenty of time to shower and try to get Amy’s house somewhat cleaned.  But putting the dogs out on leashes, vs. my fenced-in back yard at home is work in itself. We needed to get to the hospital so I finally woke Skylar up, changed her, fed her, and built a fortress to try to confine the dogs to Amy’s kitchen, of which Pete I have discovered is an escape artist.  By the time I got Skylar and I in the car to go to the hospital at 10:15 a.m., I was fatigued! 

It was coming home day for Bree.  But I was more intent on getting to the hospital because of the tests Bree had done yesterday.  I felt I needed to be there if possible when the Doctor came in.  Unfortunately, I missed her.  Amy was shaken, I could tell.  They decided another set of tests need to be done and they are sending her to a children’s hospital in downtown city of which Chad and Amy live in the suburbs.  Amy was shaken up, Chad was positive saying they are just being cautious.  I felt half sick to my stomach but knew I had to stay positive for Amy.  “Honey, you don’t remember when Skylar was born because you were in such bad shape too, but we all remember how much she went through and the miracles we saw! We have to believe that this is true with Bree too!”  I felt a tug of emotions pull at my heart. To look at this tiny little 6# baby and wonder what is ahead for her! BUT, that was bad thinking!  She is healthy and well!!  Apparently there is some question on her spine that they are looking at.  A lot of babies are born with this we are assured, but with her club foot, they are really being cautious.  She will be casted this week to turn the foot back.  Further testing can’t be done till she is 6-weeks old, so it will happen the end of August.  A whole long time from now for our faith to grow!

All seemed well with Skylar this morning, tho I have noticed since this has all begun, she is really acting out right now.  Temper tantrums, playing in her food, spitting water, etc.  So is it an age thing, OR, is it all the newness going on around her?  Perhaps a lot of both.  She was doing okay with Bree when we first got there.  It was photo day, so they took her and her mommy and daddy to do the photos.  Skylar and I tagged along.  For the first time tho, Skylar wasn’t the center of attention.  Ahhhh………..it was kind of sad!  So I let her run around the hospital floor, me following and doing the best I could to keep up with her.  We do this thing now where I say,  “Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow, We’re off to see the Wizard!”  Yes, I am singing!  And Skylar gets all excited and tries to dance her way down the hall as they do in the Wizard of Oz.  It has kept her really entertained the past few days on our boring hospital visits.  All was well, or at least seemingly well until…………

Her daddy brought in her stroller.  It holds the car seat that Bree will use, and has been Skylar’s since she was born.  “Mine!”  She screamed!  “MINE!”  As she tried to climb in.  “No, Bree is going to use it now.”  Chad gently explained!  “MINE!”  She screams!!!  And the beginning of realizing what life is about to become is hitting her head on.  “Skylar, you’re a big girl now!  You don’t need a baby stroller!” I begin to chime in and explain!  Tears falling now,  “NO! Mine! MINE!!”  So I try to take her mind off of it! “Come on, get your doggie (new stuffed one) and let’s go downstairs. You can push the buttons on the elevator.”  That brightened her moment and off we went.

When Chad and Amy finally got dismissed, by then I had let Skylar just run off what she was feeling through the hospital.  Yes, I can barley keep up with her!  At first she was excited!  But when they put Bree in the car, Skylar’s old car seat, and Skylar didn’t get to go with her mommy who has been gone now for a few days, she fought and kicked and screamed!!!  Tears flowing, there was no stopping her. I convinced her we were going to see mommy and daddy, but it didn’t matter. She only knew the new baby went with mommy and daddy and she didn’t.  Tears formed within my own sphere of being at that moment.

Believe it or not Amy wanted Cracker Barrell, so I met them there. It was a bad lunch.  Skylar was acting out all of her frustrations and Amy felt so bad physically. Skylar screamed, played in her food, spit out her lemonade, and any other mischievous thing she could do to get attention.  Amy was SO frustrated when Skylar grabbed Amy’s soup and spilled it all over that she got up to walk away.  Skylar screamed and cried!  And I sat there tears in my own eyes as I felt so sorry for everyone in that moment. I was glad to get out of there.  Poor waitress and others in the restaurant!   

I had told Amy and Chad I’d go to the store and buy a bunch of food for them for the next week so that Amy wouldn’t have to cook.  I got Skylar excited as I said we’d go together when we were finishing up at Cracker Barrel. Again it helped for a time.  Poor Amy. Poor Skylar.  Poor Bree.  Life sometimes sucks!  Even when you’re 2 years old!

As we went to drive off, it was all I could do not to cry myself. Amy was hurting, I could tell.  Chad was doing what he could.  What could I do?  The only thing I know to do when life seems so fallen apart to me too.  “Chad, I’m going to take Skylar to a park and let her do whatever she wants for a few hours, then we are going to go get something to eat, then the grocery store and I will bring you and Amy food back.”  No, it wasn’t a home cooked meal as I had wanted to do, BUT, by now it was after 3:30 and I hadn’t even gone to the store to make anything.  As I said, I’m not domesticated in anyway, shape or form! It seemed fitting as this would give Chad and Amy time to really get some rest too.

And off Skylar and I went.  I KNEW where I had to take her!  The only place I ever really find solace!  The water.  I remembered the park on the lake I had found last week!  We called hubby and had him meet us there. By now I had a day of complete screaming myself and needed to be around water about as much as Skylar did! AND another hand with her too. I was tired. 

Here we are, just chillin' by the water.  A moment I do cherish....

She played and slid down slides as we walked on the trails by the lake and saw the geese!  I call her goose.  Silly goose, only I lose the silly part and just say goose.  Tonight, she found out what a goose was!  And she laughed and ran up and down the hills by the lake as we taught her to roll down a hill.  She was king of the hill for a time!  Then we went for hot dogs, one of her favorite foods right now.  And she colored at the table as I put her in a booster chair, NOT a high chair, and she ate crackers and hot dogs and laughed.  Our trip to the store tho didn’t fare as well.  Once again she had a screaming tizzy fit!  Her grandpa had to take her to the car as a matter of fact, something that NEVER happens!  As they left, tired and exhausted from so much turmoil of emotions I had to fight the tears myself in Wal Mart. It’s hard on Skylar, but it’s hard on us adults too when we can’t make kids understand.  It was a definite day of patience.

King of the Hill!

Elizabeth and I text messaged on and off.  She didn’t get this last house either.  This is number 3 she has made an offer on and not gotten in the end. She remains in that one room, teeny tiny studio on the highest floor possible. My heart goes out to her.

My poor dogs are all messed up too. Totally out of sync with where our summer has been where they have had me to themselves.  Being here and me being so busy I’ve had so little time with either of them.  After all the running around was done, groceries put away in Amy’s kitchen, I took them out walking.  A huge power walk for them and me. I too had some real emotions to work out.  As I walked away from Amy’s and into the neighborhood I could hear Skylar screaming bloody murder because ma maw didn’t take her.  Did that not break my heart or what?  But I couldn’t. I needed the power part of the walk as did the dogs.  I decided when I came back I’d get Skylar and we’d walk a little down her street. By the time I got back she was on to something else and had forgotten how mad at me she was.  If only we as adults could forget trespasses so easily!

Tonight I gave Skylar her bath and got her ready for bed.  Finally, a moment of peace and quiet as I sit on the porch by myself,  listening to children playing in the distance. 

Life isn’t always easy, but I made it through the day. I did tell Amy tho unfortunately I HAVE to go home tomorrow morning after I get everyone going.  It turns out I’ll be leaving Wednesday night now for Alabama.  Yet more emotional turmoil, but I don’t think I’ll think about that tonight.  One day at a time, I think it’s about all I can think about right now. The only thing is I am still a bit upset that Jason wouldn’t change the date and has forced me to leave Amy when I really don’t think she is ready for me to go so far away.  I can’t change things tho, so I have to believe God is really going to bless her and keep her world running smoothly. At least Chad’s mom will be around to help. That really helps me more than anything.  Thoughts of asking to take Skylar to Alabama have crossed my mind, the key word being “crossed.”  I don’t think she needs to be taken away from her home right now, they all need family bonding time. AND, I just want to savor my last beach visit.  It’s not the ocean, it’s the Gulf, but still it’s the beach.  Surely I will be renewed and find strength again while there?  Cause to be honest, I feel totally drained tonight.

Guess God knows how to meet our needs long before.  The thoughts of being on the beach, if only for a day or two REALLY does sound wonderful to me at the moment.  But so does going upstairs, and falling into the Arrow bed……uncomfortable as it may be, it is a place to lay my head tonight.  And really, that’s all I really want at the moment.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Has forever come and gone now?  I know I’ve asked you this before, but tonight, it just seems so far!  Like how can I still be reaching out to you all these years later?  I wrote you a small note this morning to send to your myspace, but deleted it before I sent it……sometimes I just want to really touch that which I feel. But you probably wouldn’t have responded anyway.  In so many ways I don’t understand why you won’t.  You went to tell me one time why you won’t, and I think I know why you won’t, but you also made it clear you STILL wanted me to write.  So what’s a girl to do? *wink*  Oh what am I talking about even? I’m so worn out tonight from doing what most 25 year olds do, that my mind is foggy.  Can’t get too deep in that state! J  Still, you continue to be on my mind and in my heart.  Even in all that it is I am required to do where I am in this moment………….you remain in me.  I send you love and light………….so close, so unbelievable, so real and everything else that beautiful “is.”  I still think just up beyond that bend I see……………………. J  Goodnight-Love Sunshine

It’s very late and as suspected would probably happen, I am beyond exhausted now.  So much for the restful feelings I had just a few short weeks ago.

Joel, Emma and Drew left this morning to go back to Tulsa.  Normally I am sad by this, but today wasn’t bad. I will see them the end of this week in Alabama for Jason’s wedding. I’m still doing okay with it, but not too, just because of the absence of Amy.  Jason did his best somewhat to be around for Amy the past few days, but in the end, I know her absence will be felt by him.  Something he will live with for a very long time.  However, for the sake of peace, I shall say no more about it.  I did okay when they said goodbye this morning.

We did see them again at the hospital. We stopped to tell Amy we were going to go home for a bit today so that I could check on Nick, my 18-year old cat, and water my outside plants.  Joel and Emma had stopped to say goodbye too.  I think they are feeling bad that Amy won’t be there as well.  It’s sad, but I won’t beat a dead horse or however that goes.  I heard hubby’s phone ring a few minutes ago. They apparently have arrived safely. *smiles and a grateful heart of thanks*

We drove by the house I keep seeing in my mind’s eye I want to buy. I always thought it was the log cabin, but lately, this one seems SO much what I want.  For now.  We walked around it with Skylar and the dogs. It’s empty. I wondered if someone would call the police, but I guess having a baby made it okay.  I really LOVE this place.  As we got in the Navigator to drive home I whispered to God again how much I want to sell.  And I wait. Like SO many other things in my life I wait. I still wonder if all of it isn’t of some real divine timing that will all fall into place at just the right time when I understand more than I do today.

Lots of questions still flowing through my tired mind tonight.  Soul Mate questions. Why is some days I am SO assured, and other days my reasoning mind takes over and convinces me of something totally different than what I felt the day before?  Geesshh………………..

Home felt good.  I struggle so much with being, "the good mom" thing.  For instance, Amy is supposed to come home tomorrow.  I will probably head home tomorrow night.  Not for any other reason than I think that she will need her down time and doesn’t need me hanging around. Okay, that and I am ready to go home.  She seemed to understand, but then in comes Chad’s mom asking me when I am going home because she can’t wait to come here and stay for however long they want her to.  I told her how I felt, that I wanted Amy and Chad to have some alone time together with their 2 daughters, so I'd probably head home tomorrow night.  “Don’t you remember what it felt like when you brought your kids home?”  I asked her.  “I was so tired I just wanted to be quiet.”  She said “I was just the opposite, I wanted everyone around.”  Ops!  My quiet nature and the like of being alone a lot of time came through I guess.  I looked at Amy. I’m not sure what she wants or doesn’t want, but I guess she knows me and I’m probably ready to go home.  “I’ll do whatever you want.” I told her.  “It’s okay mom, Chad and I can handle it.”  So now I am left questioning, am I letting her down or does she really want some quiet time herself?  Does it matter? It sounds as if Chad wants everyone around, so now you have two school of thoughts.  A debate I will stay out of I think.  If I lived here, in this city, it’d be different. I’d be close by and available.  But I don’t. I live 75 miles away.  I SO need some recoop time myself before I go on to the next mom thing to do…..the wedding 15 hours from here, and then going back to work right after. 

It’s such a balance I swear.  Where do I begin? Where do I end?Where are my parental duties when kids are grown?  When is too much and when is it too little?  I’m SO not domestic!  That’s the worst part of it. I’m really NOT a domestic person and to try to make myself such brings me back to where I’ve been for however long one can imagine.  I really feel as if I have grown okay being who I am and Holly Homemaker, grandma extraordinaire I fear I fail in.

LOL, as we ate dinner tonight one of the hostesses at the restaurant fell in love with Skylar and paid attention to her as we ate.  When I went to pay the check she said to me,  “I thought you were her mom, not her grandma! There is NO way I’d ever believe you to be a grandma.”  I thanked her endlessly, and said,  “Yeah, I’m now grandma to 3.”  “There is NO way I’d ever believe that!”  She told me.  I walked out of the restaurant feeling SO much better!  I’m just too young to be old.

Although, I am SO tired in this moment, I think I will cut it short.  Battles going on within me of this parental thing being raged. In the end, I think I choose to just let go.  Meaning,  I’m not going to try to be supermom or grandma just so I don’t suffer guilt if I don’t. I am doing the best I can to support my kids/grandkids and pass along a lot of love.  In the way I know to love, free and easy.  I can’t always live up to my kid’s in-law's status, but I may be doing them more service if I am just me.  Because just me fails, but also does some pretty nice things too, as is life. 

If there is anything I want to pass along to my kids/grandkids, it is faith.  Faith to know God and love Him with all of their hearts.  Faith to know that all through theit lives God will never leave them and is always there if they will just look up.  Yes, if I could pass along anything to my grandkids this would be it.  I may not have hot meals ready in life’s changes, but I will be there offering prayers, and a heart to listen.  Perhaps I’m not such a bad mom after all? 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Good night Soul Mate:  Take my hand and lead me to the promise land?  That’s how I feel tonight as I am so tired and want to just collapse.  Where is the promise land?  It’s out there!  Under a full moon, on a sea of blue somewhere?  Or is it sitting on the red rocks under a setting sun? Or is it sitting in a truck stop somewhere where we finally sit and tell one another the truth of our hearts?  Perhaps the promise land is anywhere you are and I am where we ARE with one another?!  Then we can see full moons, and sunrises, and sunsets, and snowfalls, and oceans crashing, and rainbows and blue skies and night skies and just be.  That is where the promise land is I think.  I hope one day we will be there. I hope so many things, but most of all that you know it is you.  Always you.  I send you love and light. I’m off now to fall into bed!  Dreams of you all through my head!!! LOL!  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine