Happy Birthday to the USA.  I never want to take for granted the specialness of this day.  Tho at times, I fear I do.  For me, it was pretty uneventful.  Quiet and serene. 

The day began with a pool workout bright and early, then a walk through a path behind the hotel.  This path was incredible! Filled with seashells of every kind, hanging from exotic trees.  I ended up at what is called, “The Grey House.”  A very old house (photo below) filled with all sorts of wonderful oddity items.  As we walked up, out comes Dewy.  Dewy is a native of the island.  The owner of the hotel has been telling me all week I must meet Dewy.  I chose today to take the path that led to his small and unique gift store located within The Grey House.  First thing Dewy does is welcome us, asking who we had there?!  Meaning, our dogs. He then walked over to me and handed me a shiny shell of some sort saying,  “I have something for you.  A good luck charm.”  He continued to tell me about this good luck charm he had just given me.  “It comes from this,” as he pulls out the most gorgeous snail shell, “This is their defense mechanism.  They make this to protect themselves when they are in the shell.”  I was touched beyond words at this immediate greeting.  “You must be Dewy?”  I said with a smile.  “Yes, I am!”  I told him we were staying at the hotel of which he made over the owners.  “What fine and decent people!”  He said.  I couldn’t agree more.  I asked him about the island, and any legends he personally knew of.  Sitting with him was a man in his mid 40s with a guitar, and his wife.  Turns out they are from New Jersey and have grown to know Dewy and love to hear his stories when they vacation here.  Dewy pulled up lawn chairs and began to tell us of the legend of Mattie Belle.  I’d share the story, but it is Dewy’s story.  I feel it should come from him.  He has MANY stories he has written on his own website.  Here is the web address, as I don’t believe he would mind if I shared:  www.OuterBanksShells.com. Be sure to check out his, "Read My Stories" page.  You will find him beyond fascinating!!!  We stayed with Dewy talking about old graveyards, and big developers coming in and not respecting the land. There are very few places in America as untouched as The Outer Banks.  To think of these money-greedy tycoons coming and wanting to commercialize this place makes me half ill.  Dewy fights this, and had stories of how he has been threatened death for pulling legal maneuvers to protect the heritage this quaint island is known for.  What happens tho when someone like Dewy passes?  How long before it becomes spoiled by rich development?  I felt a bit depressed when I left Dewy.  His stories had been wonderful, but even I have seen SUCH a big difference in the island since I’ve been coming here in the early 90s.  I suppose some would call it progress. I don’t.  Dewy invited us back anytime.  He grew up on the island in the 30s.  That was before there were even roads or anything!  I tried to visualize what it must have been back then, but for the life of me, I couldn’t.  Guess I am progressed beyond hope.  *sighs*

Then it was off to the beach to body surf and relax.  And I did. Riding some pretty good size waves today.  We went to a different beach. One where we could take the Lincoln out on the beach  Here I am. In the surf with Lilly

After a few hours of beach time, the sun so bright, I had to leave the beach. I can only take so much sun.  We came back to the hotel.  Hubby had been drinking quite a bit on the beach, so he was out.  I headed for the pool. I brought my float, so I floated for a long time.  Quiet, dreamy.  Perhaps a bit sad. I shouldn’t be sad, because I am in paradise!  Yet, a part of me is. I can’t help it.

After lots of floating time in the pool, I actually went in and fell asleep.  The dogs waking me up so early in the morning, then early morning swimming, beach time, sun and sand, well, it didn’t take long for me to fall sound asleep.

I did have a dream of soul mate last night. I remember we were talking. I think he gave me the answers I have so long wanted, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what those answers were?!!!  How frustrating is that?  I just remember waking up after we talked, and feeling so happy and content.  I’ll never forget I thought to myself in a dozed state.  Then I woke up this morning remembering the dream, just not the content! I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t suppose to remember? But to know I had touched what was real.

At dinner tonight I met a couple that asked me to take a picture of them with the sun setting behind them.  “Sure!” I replied.  They were on their honeymoon they told me.  They appeared to be around my age.  Obviously divorced as they explained, they began to tell me how they were from the same town in Connecticut.  He however, ended up moving to Richmond, VA after his divorce years ago.  He had four kids.  His new wife never left their hometown. She had two kids, then divorced.  He came home to visit one holiday four years ago and they met.  It was immediate love they told me, as they looked at one another longingly.  For three years they did the long distance relationship thing.  Finally, he left Richmond and headed back to his hometown to be near her.  They married last Saturday.  The joy I could see in both of them is without words.  I felt sad.  I didn’t want too, because I am in paradise and I love to see love stories, but for me, I felt sad.

After dinner, I did what it is I love most in life to do. I went and sat on the beach after dark and watched the stars come out.  In this place there must be a gazillion!  They go on forever.  I put the hood up on my sweatshirt and laid down in the sand looking up at the stars.  I did see a falling star. I made a wish.  There are SO many wishes I could wish for right now, so I decided to make it that which seems a priority wish to me.  But it’s against the rules to tell your wishes, so I will keep it within my own heart and believe it to come true. 

I don’t want to really get into all these personal feelings I have at the moment, but I do feel sad.  This trip was originally supposed to be my time to get away, get creative, work on the book, and find time for me.  But hubby changed that, feeling as if he has to guard me all the time.  That is a nice thing, but it can also be a bit smothering too. The thing is tho, we are so different! I KNOW it kills him to be on the beach.  It isn’t really anything he likes to do that much.  Therefore after about an hour, he is ready to go, I’m just beginning.  But he is bored out of his mind and it’s like watching someone in slow torture or something, therefore, it isn’t enjoying to me.  He likes to drink beer. A lot these days. I don’t drink.  It seems to me he begins drinking earlier and earlier each day we are here, and by 3:00, he is asleep.  I promised myself to get along on this trip, and I stick with that promise.  On the other hand, I feel very frustrated.  He spends a lot of time in the room, whereas you will find me out here, at the pool.  Whether it is swimming, working out, or just escaping the room, I can be found here.  I did appreciate the fact he walked out on the beach with me tonight after dark, as I wondered to myself if this is something I’d do alone.  The truth is, yes, I would.  Perhaps I’d be a bit unnerved when I first went out, but I’d still do it.  As we sat on the beach I realized how little we have in common these days.  Talk is limited.  There is no affection of any kind.  I feel lonely in so many ways and wonder if in life, all my romantic dreams of what love could be and should be really exists? I realized what a friendship he and I do share, and thought to myself, don’t be said.  If you were on vacation with Elizabeth you wouldn’t expect affection either.  I guess I was trying to see it in a new perspective to where I wouldn’t feel sad, and probably a part of me wouldn’t be a bit bitter.  That is something I never want to be.

I looked up at the stars and at one point I asked him if he believed in destiny.  He never really answered my question.  He changed the subject to talk about how big the planets must be in order for us to see them from earth. I went along with what he was wanting to talk about and buried my own thoughts of destiny in my heart.  Then I got quiet and began to pray.  Not asking for anything, just asking God to be ever present in my life and to help me understand all truth that is.  After almost two hours, we headed back to the parking lot.

We were able to watch fireworks way down the beach, from the next village a few miles away. I wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate, or enjoy the splendor of the fireworks this year, even tho I sat on the beach, waves crashing, endless stars shining overhead.  Something just felt a bit amiss in me.  I am missing something in this life.  Sometimes I think I know what that is, and then sometimes I tell myself there is no life outside the perimeters that seem to be set before me.  But that isn’t faith!  So as I sat there, waves crashing, I decided there is a destiny, and I have one.  No need to be sad!  Follow your heart, it knows the way.

Now, I will close.  I have one more day here. The week is flying by so quickly, but I think that is normal when you are away.  Come to think about it, life is flowing by so quickly!  And I reflect back to 5 years ago today.  It was 2002.  My mom had died in September, the year before.  I went to the firework display that night with my dad and hubby.  My dad was so depressed.  Hubby was hubby. Quiet, not ever sure what he is thinking.  Me?  I was depressed beyond words!  I had seen soul mate a couple weeks earlier.  It’d been such a beautiful time he and I had that night.  Everything seemed to be set up by fate to fall perfectly. That night as I watched the fireworks, I’d close my eyes and send him mental pictures, and I wished so much he was there.  During the night I got an odd call from California on my cell phone.  I didn’t know it till morning.  Elizabeth and I met for lunch that next day.  “Call the number back!”  She told me.  I knew soul mate was on the road and was in California at the time. I ended up calling the number.  The guy acted all weird and kept saying my first name.  I got all flustered, and lost my own footing on the conversation.  To this day I don’t know if it was soul mate or not, tho there were SO many overwhelming coincidences to make me believe it was.  Did he feel those mental pictures himself that night?  Did he feel the incredible longing I was feeling too?  Did he find the strength to pick up the phone and call me in the middle of the night my time?  Yet one more mystery never solved!  Every 4^th of July now that comes and goes, I remember the magic of that night and my phone call that remains a mystery.  One day, he will come and help me solve this mystery.  Until then, July 4^th will continue to remind me of him.

Now I close.  Life happening all around me. I so don’t want to go home, which I know sounds awful!  But I don’t.  Is this a sign that I am ready to move on in my life?  Not so afraid to take a leap of faith and follow my heart?  Or am I taking this life I have for granted?  Where is the answers I so desperately seek at this moment?  I guess they are out there, floating among the endless stars.  One day, they will shine down upon me and I will go, “DUH!  Yeah, now I see!!”  One day when it all begins to become so clear to me what is my destiny.  Perhaps I already know, I just choose not to look as there is a time and a place when it is all suppose to be.  Yes, I do believe in destiny.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  And where were you tonight when the fireworks went off?  Somewhere out there, so far from where I am.  There is SO much I wish I could share with you.  Like sitting on a beach, watching fireworks at a distance.  Looking up and seeing all the stars to realize how small you are in the end, and yet, realizing how big God’s love is for Him to love you the way He does.  I want to share these things with you.  Is it a dream?  Or would it be the most complete thing in life you or I have ever experienced?  Do you believe in special?  That this could be so very special for you and me to sit and watch the stars and touch eternity?  So many questions I have, yet so much faith I have too that no matter what it looks like today, where you are, where I am, that one day, all those answers I seek will in fact be found.  It takes a lot of faith, but what more do I have?  And I look up suddenly to see the most incredible moon.  Magic all around as I sit and believe that one day, we will share so many things.  The only word I can find in this moment is, one day.  One day.  Sending you so much love and light in this moment.  Where are you?  I miss you.  Goodnight to you, wherever you may be…….Love, Sunshine