It’s very late to begin writing, but I am writing from home again.  My first thought tonight is to give glory to whom glory is due, God.  For safety on this trip to and from.  May I never forget the hand that directs my footsteps and takes me safely from place to place.

The trip home was long.  Even tho we were only 5 hours from home, it turned into 13 hours.  I had called Amy first thing this morning.  “You guys going to be around this afternoon?”  Thinking I’d stop and give them the gifts I bought in the Outer Banks.  “Well, we have to pick Skylar up from Chad’s parents.” She told me.  I am concerned about Amy at the moment.  She is due to have Gabrielle on July 20^th at 8:30 in the morning.  Yes, a C-section already scheduled.  (Isn’t it funny the way technology works these days?  We know the date, time, and name before she even arrives!)   However, after Skylar’s birth, of which was very traumatic and of such emergency that the nurses’ told us how close we came to losing both Amy and Skylar, I have been uneasy about this birthing process as well.  Amy assures me all is well and fine.  Still, I think we need to ere on the side of caution about some things.  “Why don’t you let us stop and get Skylar?” I suggested, thinking how uncomfortable long car rides are for her right now.  Chad’s parents live on the interstate we were going to take to get home anyway.  It would mean Amy wouldn’t have to travel an-hour-and-a-half to get Skylar, who had stayed with her other grandparents this weekend.  Amy was grateful, “You sure you don’t mind?”  “Or course not!”  I said, relieved that she wouldn’t have to make the drive.

At first we were going to meet Chad’s parents at a gas station right off the interstate until Chad’s dad called and asked if we minded driving to their house which was about 25 miles off the road.  What could we say?  “No problem.”   Shortly after agreeing to this, and knowing we were still about 100 miles away we hit our first REALLY stalled traffic jam.  Losing a lot of time waiting!  What to do?  My ipod wasn’t working for some reason, so I hoped out of the car, ran to the back, grabbed my laptop and popped in a DVD I’ve been wanting to watch since I bought it about 2 months ago.  “Conversations With God.”  A spiritual movie about a man that hits rock bottom, and I mean ROCK bottom! How God led him out and in the process teaches him just who God is.  I have wanted to watch this for so long!  It seemed right today.

I began watching it, and found myself whispering words of praise to God. The anointing on this DVD was so strong, it opened up and reminded me of where my own journey has been since the mid 90s!!! Someone else sees things and hears messages from God!  I only got through half of the movie before we were almost at Chad’s parents.  Disappointed, I decided to save it till tomorrow.  When I am re-cooperating from the trip and need some down time.  I felt so alive!  His real strong teaching is this,  “We get to make 2 choices in life.  Those choices will come from love, or fear.”  Deep!  So deep!  I began to look at my own life and some things I was facing at that moment of choices I could make to handle certain situations!  Those choices?  Love, or fear?  Hubby was cussing other drivers at the same time.  I gently tried to pass along the message I was in the midst of receiving about choices, but my words fell on deaf ears as he fought the frustrations of driving in a, “World of idiots” I believe is how he phrased it.  It was time to just keep my mouth shut.  Pass along the lesson when he may be more fit to hear it I convinced myself.

When we arrived at Chad’s parents, they weren’t there!  It was frustrating for me because I felt this time crunch thing.  But this spirit of love and fear and choices I could make were all around me.  I wasn’t afraid of anything?  But I wasn’t loving this moment either!  Here we are, in a hurry and now we have to wait?!  Do our decisions we make come from anger too?  Which isn’t love?!  It could be labeled fear I decided, as I feared I wouldn’t have enough time to do what I wanted to do, thus, getting impatient! Finally, here come Chad’s parents with Skylar.  I swear she changes every week in looks and personality!  It turns out that Chad’s mom had been cooking all day for us!  They felt as if it would be a nice break for us to stop and relax! Let the dogs run, and have a home cooked meal ready.  Suddenly, time didn’t matter that much to me as I realized the gift they were giving us!  It reminded me again, things are not always as they seem!  The 4 of us, no, 5 of us with Skylar, sat down and had a fantastic meal!  How sweet was it of Chad’s mom to do this?!  I was so grateful.  It really hit the spot and seemed to calm hubby’s nerves down on the driving thing!  We spent a couple hours with them before heading to Chad and Amy’s to deliver Skylar, who by now was grumpy and screamed for a long time in her car seat before giving up and falling asleep.

We met Amy and Chad then at Pizza Hut as they hadn’t eaten.  So much for Weight Watchers today!  2 big meals!!  It was so good to see them!  Amy tells me Jason has been calling her and checking in to make sure she is doing okay.  That to me is a miracle!  And I think of my conversations with God and realize that everything that happens to me is for sure under the hand of God.  If I can keep this faith, then the painful things, such as where Jason is right now in his life, seems a bit easier to take.

The drive home after dinner with Chad and Amy, now late we wouldn’t be in till close till 11:00 was long. I drove, as I knew hubby had to get up in the morning and head back the 70 miles to the city to work. I’m still on summer break and can sleep in.  *smiles*  So I drove, he dozed.  I thought about all God was teaching me today.  A very awesome place to be!!

And I thought of soul mate. Sometimes I go through stages where I have daydreams of him.  These are not visions, as I do know the difference.  The visions come on me out of nowhere, I see certain things, as a veil of knowledge falls over me.  The daydreams of my own imagination are the ones that I get to control the scenario of which I am dreaming.  I can’t believe I am admitting this to the world, but I have a feeling, most who read here have their own scenario of which they dream of certain things too.  I think those are the dreams that lead us on the way.  Mine are of soul mate and being in certain places together.  Like, the Outer Banks!  How awesome it’d be to walk the beaches with him, and discover all the untouched nature that still remains in that place with him by my side.  Dreams of such led me all the way home.  And of course, I vacillated between that daydream, back to conversations with God and this incredible close feeling I felt with God tonight.  So near, so ready to surround me with this love I feel from Him when I remember His love.  And then I also meditated a lot about being home and all that means. 

I remain very determined to accomplish what it is I see in my heart.  Some things I can change right now, some things I can’t.  For those things I can, I purpose in my heart to begin to do tomorrow.  For those things I can’t, I purpose in my heart to talk to God about them and see how it is He wants me to handle those things.  It sounds so simple, because it is!  It just takes a lot of faith to believe you can hear when you ask.

Now, I will head to bed.  But first I have to send a very warm and grateful word of thanks to my good friend Spirit Bear.  He is a sort of wind beneath my wings so many days.  Never expecting much in return, he often sends me small emails of encouragement.  Such a spirit of love in these emails, he touches me and helps me to believe that this journey I walk is touching a lot of people.  Some nights I think I am SO out there in my beliefs and sharing all of which I learn……..and he will drop me a line to tell me how much something I said means to him, or helps him think of his own life in another way.  I feel so encouraged to continue on.  Thank you M.  And to another M in my life…………..thank you.  I know you don’t feel you can talk to me freely, and that’s okay.  I feel the connection and know without a shadow of a doubt that you are the true source of passion in my life and on my journey.  Of course, that is 2^nd to God.  J  God is, and always will remain the number one love of my life.  It is He that gives me so much to seek and grow with, and surrounds me with the most incredible beauty in the process.

As I close, determined that tomorrow will be a glorious day  of new understanding in so many ways, I realize that even tho I fight a lot of sad, and confusion of where life is and isn’t, in the end, what more can be said but how very blessed I am in spite of it all………how so very blessed. I will close now with a word of thanks and giving glory where glory is due.  To my Father in heaven.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I don’t know if you remember this song, but as I reflect back over today and my thoughts of you, this song comes to mind,  “I like dreaming.  Cause dreaming can make you mine.”  Yeah!  That song does come to mind.  In my dreams of today I see us walking along a beach.  Yes, it’s in the Outer Banks.  It’s a very gentle feeling, you and me.  Finally free to just be.  No words need to be spoken because when we are in that place, the power of the ocean, the ocean breeze, sand beneath our feet, and the feeling of eternity all around us, we don’t need to talk. Hand in hand, the sun above us.  No one around.  And then it is night.  We will sit on the sand and lay back and look up at the stars.  The stars that go on forever.  And we will talk for just a moment of the beauty of the moment as the waves crash on the shore and we lie there, finally finding the place I think we both call home.  Yes, there you go.  My daydream, shared with you.  So risky to share a dream, but somehow, I think if you are the one reading these notes, you want to touch the dream too.  Besides!  If we are both visualizing it, perhaps, one day, it will come to be?  I have to believe it will, because I do believe in dreams coming true.  I know they do! I knew you all my life, and was sure I had created some man in my imagination.  Then it happened.  You came into my world.  You made me believe again in dreams as you so gently awoke a sleeping heart.  I send you love and light………may your tomorrow be so very beautiful.  Goodnight – Love, Sunshine

Where I see us walking............Can you see it?  Can you see it? *she says with excitement at the dream in her heart*