It’s been a long time since I’ve sat outside to journal at home.  I sat outside in Alabama and overlooked the ocean one night, but at home, it’s been too filled with mosquitoes to sit out very long.  It’s so hot and stifling right now, perhaps it’s even too hot for them?  I do hear the crickets in full chorus tho from the woods just next to me. And of course my magical fountain is on as well as meditative music.  The ambiance is so me these days.  It’s also been a long time since I’ve journaled earlier enough that it is light outside! Tonight, I really need to be in bed early.  Tho I feel a bit more caught up today on rest, still, I have a lot of days to make up for.

It never ceases to amaze me.  In my life I go through these incredible ‘spiritual” times, where God is so close and we talk and I hear and my whole focus is on Him. But then there are those times where I turn on Led Zeplin and get in touch with more of a “wild” side of myself .  The past week, it’s been spiritual.  I like these times so much more than the Led

Zeplin times!  When I’m in these times I swear I will never leave them. But then one day I wake up and wonder if God is even near?  Really, He never leaves. I do. I change my focus.  But I suppose in the end I’m meant to for a time so that when I go back to where I’m at right now it’s all that more special. Like how Monday really heightens the glory of Friday!  I think it’s balance that I’ve so often talked about. 

I so don’t want to be at work anymore.  At school.  However, I am finding that God is giving me the most incredible peace.  Am I being tested I wonder? I’m not getting my way at the moment, because I REALLY didn’t want to go back this year!  Yet, in my inner core I knew I had to. For now. So am I being tested I wonder?  By submitting and doing the best I can to find joy anyway in something I don’t want to do?  Or perhaps I am learning how God gets me through when He leads me someplace I didn’t want to be?  Whatever it is, I am finding myself more organized mentally when I am at work than I have been for a long time!  It’s as if He is guiding me each and every step on how to accomplish that which really should be impossible at the moment. I’m getting so much done which is such a miracle!  I just sit there working, organizing, getting it all together for Mr. Boss’s return and in my spirit I’m SO excited because I feel this supernatural wisdom and strength! So I say over and over, “Thank you Father!”  No, I don’t want to be there, but God and I are doing it together to make it work.

The new girl that took Elizabeth’s place is sure trying very hard to be pleasant and nice.  She has a controlling nature I sense, but she is really being upbeat and nice to me.  I’m afraid tho I struggle being so nice back. That is NOT me!  It’s as if I am not being loyal to Elizabeth if I act too friendly, which is just down-right ridiculous!  Elizabeth is free!  No one fired her, she did an awesome job, everyone misses her, but it was time for her to move on.  Life took her away! Not the new girl!!  So as I am sitting there working away, God whispers to me, “I want you to be kind and nice to the new girl.  Remember how it felt when you were once new?”  Ouch!  I stood corrected!  I said okay.  So tomorrow I will do the best I can to be warm and fuzzy!  Not fake either, just trying really hard to make her feel welcome.  That’s what love does, right?!  And if she is all that everyone told us negatively she would be, well, then two wrongs don’t make a right!  But I don’t think she will be. I honestly don’t.  And let’s be honest here!  I’m probably really extremely jealous of her! I mean she is like a size 3 or 5 or something like that! Ha ha!  Beauty flows from within tho…………I’m like 5’9, she’s like 4’9, but she wears these high heals which must make her 5’3!  It’s not about that anyway.  It’s about love.  There’s that word again. That word God keeps whispering to me.  It will all be good in the end. BTW…..  Let’s face it! I could become anorexic and STILL not be a size 5!  I’m beautiful the way God made me tho!  I have to appreciate it!!  Oh, the lessons I sometimes have to learn.

Speaking of which!  After work I do the responsible thing, right. I have some checks to deposit so I go to the bank.  Then I pass the Farmer’s Market, which is my favorite thing this time of year to get fresh veggies from the Amish.  So I stop and plan this incredibly healthy meal for dinner of fresh veggies and homemade bread I buy from this Amish lady. (Forget that I bought these chocolate cookies rolled in powdered sugar. )  I’m on the right track! Healthy meal! It inspires me to get to the health club and swim.  Perfect workout with such a heat wave!  I begin my workout.  Someone is in the lap lane so I dodge around kids playing in the pool at the beginning of my workout.  (Amazing how this happens in the summer at the health club.)  When the swim lane comes available, I hop in it.  Perfect, a great workout! I power walk for 10 minutes, then I swim laps for 10 minutes.  I will do this for close to an hour.  Suddenly, some girl comes up to me and says,  “Do you mind if we use the lap lane since “WE” are swimming laps?” She says in a sort of snotty tone.  She isn’t swimming at all!  She is with some kid about age 10 who is trying to do backstrokes.  I can be forthright…….this was one of those times.  “I’m sorry, I’m doing laps too!” I said in a not-so-nice way.  She rolled her eyes at me.  I was in my 10 minute segment of power walking laps.  I ignore her until that still small voice inside of me goes, “Give them the lane.”  I really do have a stubborn streak in me.  It took about 2 more laps until I really couldn’t stand it anymore. I hoped over the rope and said, “Here, you can have it.”  She said, “We’re fine!”  I said, “No, it’s okay.”  And I continued to do my work out dodging kids once again.  Okay! God looks at the heart. Mine was irritated, BUT, I did comply with what I believe He was asking me to do!  It’s SO minor in the end, I kept trying to convince myself.  And I prayed, or talked to Him about whatever was on my mind at the moment (probably soul mate knowing me).  Then I notice, the kid is NOT swimming laps at all in the lap lane!  She is a swim instructor giving him swimming lessons!  Not a part of the health club either!  The kid’s mom probably just got them in on her account to use the pool! I was TICKED!  But it’s a heart issue!  I did the right thing, learned a bit of humbleness in the process and kept thinking how the world is SO full of “me-ism” these days. Confessing to be a child of light as I do means putting others before myself. 

As I reflect over it at the moment I do think God is taking me at my word when I tell Him I want to be closer and closer to Him.  I think it’s a lot of dying to self to begin to really live again or something.  Does that even make sense?

As I was cooking dinner tonight , of my fresh sweet corn on the cob and cucumbers and tomatoes I felt the most awesome and powerful conversation with God!  Of course there is always that doubt!  Is this just my thoughts speaking to me or is it Him?  So I ask.  His response?!  “The things I tell you, “IF” I am speaking to you they will come to be and you will know.”  He is right.  So He gives me a lot of glimpses of things I have asked for so long! Now, it’s a matter of applying my faith.  What He spoke and revealed to me, if they are true, they will be.  I really should do a private journal after this one and write it all out. It was very powerful.

I learned a lot today.  Sometimes it feels I have so far to go on this love thing.  But just as I am learning how God in fact does the most awesome things to help me complete that of which He leads me to, I am also learning that He really wants me to be compassionate and giving too.  Guess as I walk closer with Him, I am soon to learn about the things that really do matter on this journey.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,  faithfulness, and self-control.  All those things that can only really be found when we are walking and seeking those things of the Spirit.  Guess I won’t be turning Led Zeplin on for awhile. I really do like this place I am in.  Even if it isn’t exactly where I want to be at the moment, I sense that it is very important I walk through what I am to get to where it is I am going.  And what is the message I will take?  That still hasn’t been revealed to me.  It seems to me that I am first being taught what has to be taught before that parts comes. 

I feel excited suddenly.  Hmmmm…………

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Yes, yes, I heard things about you today! J  But then I often do. It’s incredible to me that no matter how hard I try to let this all go, I’m not suppose to.  Do you know how awesome that is?  This love thing that is to be shared between you and I?  Don’t take it as something that is smothering, because that is what you have probably always known with women.  It’s not like that at all.  I pray and hope you feel the freedom that comes with what I am talking about?  How do I explain it?  I’m not sure I can? But I think if you will look in your heart and be very still you will feel it.  I know you will.  It’s so free between us. I’m not sure how we got here…….and it’s so bizarre, BUT, you have ALWAYS lived at the top and on the edge.  Where would you find “real” other than on the edge in the end?  God knows how to get your attention, as He knows how to get mine!  Man, oh man, were you ever the wake up call to walk into my life!  It’s such a beautiful story.  “IF” it is really you here, which I believe today I was shown it is……..then all I can say is wow.  So much ahead!  So much to be excited about!!  You gotta know that when it all happens or whatever it is going to be then it will be on the edge! Only this edge will be very gentle and peaceful.  It’s just the way it is for you and me…….it feels so right.  I will never doubt that anymore.  And once again I say,  “I’m SO glad it’s YOU!!”  Funny how we met and the instant we did I knew.  Did you?????  I think I heard you say,  “WHAT THE……..”  Uh huh.  What the …………?  I send you love and light….. missing you, but still feeling so incredibly close…..time will tell.  And all the angels will sing.  Goodnight -  Love, Sunshine