It may be a bit earlier tonight that I begin to journal, but it isn’t early enough.  These are the busiest days of my year and have been for 20 years. Today was the first day of school.  The absence of Elizabeth being there added to the emptiness I feel in my job these days.  Still, I gave all I had.  If anything I never want to grow bitter in my life, or resentful.  A conversation with Mr. Boss early in the day challenged that never want to thing.

Regardless of the fact I was so very early this morning. Regardless of the fact I have given endless hours lately.  Regardless of the fact I try so hard, he snapped at me sometime early in the morning.  I was good.  I was quiet.  It wasn’t probably so much that he even snapped at me, it was that he wouldn’t listen to what I was saying to explain why what he was telling me to do was so very wrong. I don’t argue. Never have.  It probably should have been something I should have just done, but 20 years experience I knew, he was asking me to spend money foolishly for something that would never work. I said very little before he so sternly made it clear I WOULD do what he was saying.  “Okay.” I said.  Feelings hurt, deciding at that moment it was time to write the 2-week notice resignation.  After our meeting we were in, tired, exhausted from a non-stop morning, I went to my desk drafting the letter in my mind.

Unfortunately, time did not allow that letter to be written in that moment.  Too many people needing me.  This or that, whatever I am the one that seems to be the hub of all things.  It would continue the remainder of the day.  I did get one small chance to look at Donna and say,  “That’s it! I’ve had it!! I’m writing my letter of resignation today!”  She asked me what happened, but I didn’t get too much chance to tell her. Only a small bit before we were interrupted because Johnny’s locker wouldn’t open and I had to deal with this, another locker of how many 100s this morning?  *frustration*

The day progressed and time has a way to calm one’s spirit down.  Okay, not time, but God.  The gentle voice from within.  “My child listen……….”  Ahhhh……..the voice of comfort. Of direction!  Of all I need in my life.

There is a plan in my life.  A delicate plan.  I’ve said it for a long time, and felt it for a long time but as time moves on so slowly, I feel it so close to happening.  “Don’t jump ahead of me, my child.”  Was the whisper coming to my heart.  “But Lord!” I argue.  “You have seen my heart, all that I have done!  Why do I have to be treated like that?”  “Trust my child, trust.”  Suddenly I felt as if the answer was laid before me.  I was to try to reason with Mr. Boss again. 

A few hours later the perfect opportunity came up.  “Mr. Boss, I have a question…..” I began.  I then proceeded to explain this and that. It piqued his curiosity….”Go on Sunshine….”  “Well, let me take you to the place you want to make the change and show you why it won’t work.”  He agreed and went with me.  Ahhh…….the power of trust!  When we got to the office of the earlier argument and I showed him why what he was telling me wouldn’t work,  “Sunshine!  That won’t work!!”  He said.  “I know Mr. Boss!”  “That’s what I was trying to say this morning.”  “Scratch that plan! I will explain it to the higher powers why it won’t work.”  End of discussion. I had been right in the end.  Did he apologize?  No.  Was it okay?  Yeah.  In the end God had given me favor and I once again tried to realize how over-stressed he was too with the first day of school.  All I knew was God gave me the end result which wasn’t even anything for my good, but someone else that I care about going through a rough time.

Interestingly enough, a few hours later, Donna came to me…..”Well, he just did to me what he did to you!”  She was hurt too.  Surely it was just the day. It’s just that we work so hard and no one ever notices, ya know?  Like we have worked 2-weeks straight not even taking lunches, 10-hour days, and yesterday, we observe our bosses meeting near our desk to leave for a nice lunch.  Yeah, they’re the bosses, and I don’t judge that, BUT, I do think we could at least be appreciated.  Oh well, we tell one another what a great job we are doing.  And we miss Elizabeth to join us.

She did bring me lunch today!  Elizabeth.  Isn’t that sweet?!  She refused to come in the building, which I don’t blame her. I went out to her car. I was griping still over the boss situation.  But I surrendered to her that I have to really follow the leading of the Spirit right now, and for now, I have to continue on.  Am I learning humility and humbleness?  Or how to survive in a not-so-pleasant world?  Surely that is it!  *shakes head*

After work it was great. Elizabeth was here another night.  We went to dinner at one of our favorite taverns where everybody knows your name.  A favorite we have frequented the past how ever many years.  Where we do karaoke and laugh and even sometimes drink strawberry wine!  Sydney joined us at the last minute. It was nice.

Afterwards, it was back home and to the porch swing.  Where we sat.  The journey of the past almost 7 years now was the main topic of discussion towards the end of our starry-night conversation.  I finally let her read a letter I once sent to soul mate when we were on a trip to LA together.  She had known I was sending something to him back then, but I never let her read it till tonight.  Suddenly, she began to understand.  This letter began to open her eyes to some really HUGE coincidences!  So we sat on the swing trying to understand why so many coincidences and what they all meant.  It’s so wonderful to have someone figure the mysteries out with me as we look at all the info.  It got deep. It got serious.  Then it got funny…….as she shared my dream with me.  What dream is that?  Of  her being my manager one day as we go to book signings.  She believes in me and that I really have a gift!  “You can do this Sunshine!”  She says as we discuss how the tour will be up north in the summer and in the south in the winter.  And we laugh at the direction it could take.  Oh, we talk like we are silly teenage girls or something, but personally, at almost 50, I think it’s pretty cool that both of us have never forgotten to dream and dream big.  And we’ve never forgotten how to have hope and beliefs for the future.  She’s leaving tomorrow.  I’ll miss her like crazy but feel as if she was here for me for the opening of school.  I still maintain and swear she is the sister I never had.  *smiles*

There’s been so much I have learned this week.  Tonight’s lesson remains this knowing that this plan for my life is so perfectly planned step by step.  It’s so important I continue to simply look up and continue to trust.  Elizabeth and I were talking of this tonight.  “Remember how screwed up I was after I first met him?”  I reminded her.  “I KNOW!  I just remember you hoping in my van that morning at the airport and saying,  “DRIVE AWAY NOW!”  I laughed as I remembered.  “I know.  I only knew it felt as if something from within had been torn away and I hadn’t a clue what it was!”  (She was there to witness it, and she reads here! There’s no way I can’t be honest about this!) “And I remember,”  I continued,  “The next few weeks I felt him so close to me!  I had NO clue what I was feeling, but it felt as if he was so near!”  And she remembers this too!  “That was in March.  By April, I use to sit in my bedroom at night and cry.  Literally sob!  “Lord!  Take this away from me!  I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t want to hurt!”  And much as I would cry, it remained!”  She was re-living those days with me.  “Now, I realize how many people it has led me to!” She interjects,  “You know, I think you could help a lot of women with your experience.”  And she begins to tell me of a story of an old friend of hers.  “How did you ever begin to deal with it?”  She asks.  “I have decided when I finally realized it wasn’t a journey back to him, but to the light, I began to appreciate the gift he was for me!”  I began to tell her.  “Do you realize all he woke up in me?  Things I would have never found had it not been for him would not be a part of my life today!  Like writing!!”  She reminded me I must have always liked to write, because I had several pen pals when I was a kid.  “I know, but I always needed passion!  He IS my passion!”  I then began to sing,  “Come on baby light my pen…….”  She cracked up, I cracked up and felt so free and alive on this journey I began so long ago.  And my friend, who has walked the journey with me looked back over the past with me. It was such an awesome night for such a busy and trying time in my life.

Now, it’s off to bed.  Tomorrow night I will crash.  Tonight I didn’t want to miss a minute of time with Elizabeth.

I am so blessed.  So beyond blessed I have decided.  How do people survive that don’t know God’s love?  I mean when it is so awful I am ready to walk out of a place like school, He gently comes and restores some sort of peace within me to slow down, take deep breaths and trust He has it all in control,  and that I don’t make a huge mistake by jumping ahead of a beautiful plan.  One that one day may find me in Barnes and Nobles somewhere, with Elizabeth by my side, and my hope, the co-star of my story next to me too.  But that is a plan to be walked one day at a time.  For now, I’m still just me, working in a high school, trying to survive one day at a time…..God leading each and every step.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Soul Mate

Good night Soul Mate:  Such beautiful memories of you.  Elizabeth and I came to the conclusion tonight it is definitely you here and if that is true, you can’t imagine the scenarios we came up with as to what you must be feeling!!!  Why not end the mystery and just tell me!?!! *chuckles*  So much journey behind us, so much journey ahead.  Everyday I still believe in so many things.  And if it is as real for you as it is me, then I think you must be feeling in your own spirit how close it is getting.  Whatever that means, I know, it is so close to becoming something I’ve always believed, and I think you too.  Whatcha gonna do about it comes to mind in this moment.  I SO wish I would have known the words back then. I’d of probably passed out that night!  Ha ha!!!  *kidding*  But if you ever look at me one day and do the someday soon thing……….well, know this girls heart will melt all over the place and I’m not sure I’d ever be the same.  Wait?!  That already happened!  The day you missed a plane, ran a bit late,  walked into a gymnasium all shook up yourself, only to find out later there was a spotlight shining down upon you from heaven…………when you really stop to think about it, hasn’t this journey been so full of magic and beauty?!  I send you love and light.  Even in the dark, trying days of the moment, God’s love and thoughts of you bring me so much light I make it through.  SO glad to know who you are.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

It's In God's Hands...................