What a world of ups and downs the past 48 hours has been.  Confusion of the worst kind.  Leading to tonight where a calm, serene peace has once again taken over.  I like serene. I like calm.

Yesterday was a 10 hour day at the fair.  The morning didn’t fare so well before leaving for the fair.  That’s a play on words, huh! *chuckles* Yes, a discovery of sorts once again led me into a tail spin of what is up and what is down, and what is real and what isn’t!  As I left for the fair I was quiet and distraught.  Wondering what I had opened myself up to in the honesty of wanting only to be able to touch and reach my soul mate.  A concept I think so many wouldn’t understand. I mean heck, I would understand it either had it not happened to me!  As I left, I had Skylar so excited about going, and hubby, who was in his own way excited too.  And then there was me.  Once again a secret life I live that no one knows too much about in the place called reality of which I reside, I was forced to not allow the emotions of what I felt to show.  Had I gone crazy?  Had others let me down?  All of that wonder would have to be put aside.  It was time to live life in the reality.

The trip to the fare was a quiet one for me.  Hubby finally asked,  “Are you okay?”  “Yeah, I’m fine.  Just hungry.”  I realized I hadn’t eaten anything.  Nerves do that to you.  He stopped for food on the way there.  It did help. Tho my mind was in rambles.

The fair was fun, I suppose.  I like to people watch. I like the atmosphere of what is supposed to be a fun time, and how kids are crying, parents frustrated, money being thrown out like there is no tomorrow, and we all think we are having fun.  I think the ones having the most fun tho are the teenagers.  They are obviously there to meet members of the opposite sex and are dressed accordingly. I find it amusing to watch.  Perhaps I wish I was 16 again?  Nah, not really.  After a few tantrums, Skylar had a fairly good time.  2 years old is a hard time.  Or so they say.  By her actions yesterday, I’d have to agree. In a way, I wish I could scream and stiffen my body when things don’t go my way!  But then, I’d probably be screaming and stiffening my body most of the day.  *laughs* 

And the haunting of my discovery from the morning would continue throughout the day.  I do write for whomever to read.  I open up freely.  Sometimes I’m not so sure that is wise.  Yet, for soul mate, I will continue to do it I tell myself.  For a moment tho, I have doubts. I am petting the most incredible llama.  She is 16 years old and she and I connect immediately. I look in her eyes, and she looks back and I say to myself, “I will buy a farm and hide out in the country. I will buy a horse, and a llama and a few other animals and turn myself off from the world at large.  No more dream following. I will turn to animals as you Mrs. Llama. I find new strength in the moment that perhaps I do control my own destiny.  The feelings lasted long enough to get me through visiting the horses and pigs and llamas.  Then I came out of the barns, back to reality to watch the teenagers look for a member of the opposite sex.  Someone to love and someone to love them back.  And I think of “him.”  My soul mate.  The years I waited and felt he was somewhere, only to have him walk into my life one day. 

Skylar road a few rides.  These days this is so fun for her. Expensive, but fun.  Amazing how much fair rides are these days.  But then, what isn’t?

The ride home I drove, giving hubby a much needed rest. It was grueling. I had been on my feet all day.  I was exhausted.  Could I write when I got home?  Did I want to?  Haunted again by someone that possibly reads here, taking my words and using them within his own journals and poetic thoughts made me sad.  Doesn’t anyone understand?  My words are only meant for one?  “The” one?  Don’t turn it into something it isn’t! Please!! I shall stop writing!! I battled this all the way home. I came home only to find more writings………cryptic enough I will never know, but odd enough to use the same words I used that day in my journaling. I looked at the computer and whispered to him, “Oh Soul Mate, if you come tonight, please understand, I was here reaching to you, but how do I share the words with you alone?” I was tired, confused, and just wanted to climb into the hot tub. I did, where I fell asleep, waking only in time to climb into bed. It was after 1:00 a.m.

I slept and slept.  Awaking well after 9:30 this morning.  Now THAT is catching up on sleep!  I checked the stat button, sure enough, he had been here to dance. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning.  So had I, he just didn’t know it! For a moment I cherish the dance! I love these times he hits! It feels as if he comes home from a hard night of work or something and tries to touch me.  Oh, but what a fantasy world I may live in I try to convince myself.  Chiding myself for the open feeling that I have. Getting a taste of my own medicine perhaps I think to myself! I write for him, I have openly told him I write for him. He’s never told me no, please stop. I even once asked him if he wanted me to stop. He couldn’t bring himself to tell me no! Even tho he was so angry at the moment, he couldn’t tell me no.  If he would have, I would have.  But he didn’t.  He has since shown in his way how much he appreciates it and connects with it via my friend that once went to visit.  But then sometimes, I think that I am like the dog under the table, just waiting for crumbs. I will get what little he will throw me.  Those thoughts come in the weak moments of reality check.  Yes, I do reality checks a few times a week. 

Now……if the shoe is on the other foot, and if this other guy is taking my words and writing poetic ramblings from such, I don’t like it. If he asked me if he should stop, the answer would be yes.  But in my own naivety, I never know what is real and what isn’t!  Perhaps I am dreaming this all up.  Reality check!  *picks up the phone and calls Leo*

Leo is my sensible friend.  Leo tends to be very reality based when need be. She also tends to touch the spiritual side of reality too. A good mixture I think. When I get into the battle of what is and isn’t in this realm of ethereal living that I do these days, I call her.  And we hash it out. I tell her what I have sensed going on for a long time.  She asks me what it means to me?  “Well, what if those hits I think are “him,” really aren’t him and is this guy?”  I begin to explain.  “You need to contact “him,” and get some answers Sunshine.”  Like I haven’t heard this for how many years now?  “But I can’t.”  “Why?” She asks  “Are you afraid of what you will hear?”  So I look in my heart.  My gosh! I think to myself, if ever he said, “Hey, what are you talking about? I’ve never read your stuff, go away you’re crazy.”  It’d hurt like crazy, but I’d know, right?  And I’d go live with the horse and the llama on a farm somewhere, never to let anyone else in my heart again, so no, that isn’t what I fear. Suddenly I know the truth, so I tell my friend, “Leo, that isn’t what I am afraid I’d hear.”  “What do you mean?”  “What if I heard, “Yes, it is me, I am waiting.”  What have I got to give him?  Now, it’s as if I am giving him my heart from a safe place.”  She does understand. She lives it too.  And we continue to hash it out.  “I will stop writing now.” I end up telling her.  “Why?”  She asks.  I think about how I open my heart up to whom ever may come this way to read.  I try to explain it to her.  She helps me understand a truth.  When we hang up I tell her I will pray all day about it.  She has helped me so much!  Just someone to talk to that lives it too.

That’s when hubby comes out to the deck to get me.  “We have a problem.”  He says.  “My computer blew up.”  I walk in the house to the smell of electrical burning.  “It smoked and everything Sunshine!”  No kidding!!  Smoke rolled out of the back of it, filling the house with a bit of smoke and a smell I won’t soon forget.  Add that to the fact that as I spoke with Leo a bee stung the back of my leg. I am in pain!!  Those suckers hurt, and it still does!  But I am brave these days. I don’t let it slow me down.  When I was a child I was allergic to bees. So far so good! Guess those affirmations of walking in divine health go a long way! 

The rest of the day was spent computer shopping.  Hubby had no clue what he wanted or needed.  He spends a lot of time on line as I do, only he is doing his tractor stuff with like-minded tractor people.  What different worlds we live in. But I am more than willing to help him get a new computer.  We decide the following.  He will take my laptop, and I will buy me a new one.  And off we go.  It means transferring all my files and some extra work the next few days, but hey!  I will have the latest and most up to date system, right?

I find just what I want. We purchase it, head home having to go back in a few hours to pick it up.  They were downloading all the software and virus protection, etc.  The cost of the laptop is nothing, it is all the extras that come with it that add up!  And add up, and add up!  Well, you get the idea.

The whole time I am praying, no not for the laptop or the need to have a new one but about writing anymore.  It’s really not an issue when I pray about it. I am to continue.  I am here for myself and to share with “him.”  A promise I once made to him remains with me, “On those days you wonder if anyone cares, I will be there.  Some place you can go and know that the words are written for you alone.”  I will not go back on that promise all these years later.  A benefit that did occur tho, is others do in fact come and find faith and joy in the words as well.  And the one that is writing poetic ramblings possibly from my words?  Well, may he understand one thing,  there is one in my heart and my life, and it isn’t him.  But thank you for allowing the words to fill you anyway.

So tonight I take my friend’s advice, Leo.  “Why don’t you just write for you?”  And you know what?  I think she is right. I will.  I will be free and allow my heart to express all that it feels here.  In this place!  Created for a very special man, and probably created for me too! 

Now I close.  Honesty is such a good thing.  48 hours of wondering what I should do has only led me to a stronger me.  Of course there is much more to this story than just some “stranger” using my words, but I’m going to leave it at that.

And God, YES, GOD, the creator of the universe, is my guardian and my number one love.  Not to be confused with any other “gods or goddesses” He is my source.  Old fashioned? Yeah, maybe.  Simple? Probably.  But He for sure does lead me beside the still waters and refreshes my soul.  He is all that I am on the inside, and on this journey I walk, regardless of all the new thoughts of heaven and earth my very basic beliefs remain unchanged.  God is love.  Jesus is the way……..yet I have learned that God is not going to be put into a box.  His ways are much higher than my ways and in the end, when I look to Him, I find my way.  Yeah, it’s so simple, but then when it comes down to it, that would be me, simple.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight, 

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Such a journey!  I do wonder why I don’t hear from you? Other than the dance we share here.  One day tho, I think we will cross this line drawn in the sand.  I want to cross over, and I think you do too.  But how?  We’ve blown it so many times before, I think we are both afraid if we try again, that which we do have, here, may be jeopardized or something?  Perhaps that line was not drawn by either one of us, but by the hands of fate. I did hear when praying one day that until the time is right we would not be brought together.  I know, that was how many years ago?  Leo says I focus too much on that day to come.  Maybe it’s true.  Perhaps the journey part right now is the most beautiful part of it?  Maybe it is walking back to the light together, apart, and everything in between.  Perhaps we learn to let go to hold on to find a truth written in our hearts for so long.  Or perhaps it’s never even been you?  But my heart knows a truth I won’t try to deny.  Please, never ever be afraid for I would never ever force anything on you.  I simply stand here, in the distance extending a hand and a heart to the one I believe I looked for all days of my life.  But then how do you explain that which really can’t be explained?  Mystery and wonder fill me in the moment. I told you I’d be here, and I will. I’m not going anyplace, kay?  I send you love and light.  As I remind myself how glad I am that it is you. Even with your silly faces, and anger issues with me sometimes.  OH, and thanks for updating!! Coincidental as I guess it could be, I did smile.  But no more than the photo that was put on the new bandsite’s myspace page.  You know? The one that I love so much!?!!  The one that made me all teary eyed when I first saw it.  Amazing!  You look like you’ve just been here reading the words.  Don’t you love my simple beliefs of love sometimes?!  Have a beautiful tomorrow my friend.  Goodnight -  Love, Sunshine