It’s Friday night and I am SO glad this week is over. I know, it’s wishing my life away.  Yet, it was a week that seemed to drag on.  A week of incredible sensing of the Spirit, tho I’m really not sure all it was that I was feeling.  I will just say restless and odd.  Spirit Bear called tonight.  He said many around the country he’s talked to feels the same way.  Some describe it as a loss of energy.  Yeah, maybe?

I did call Amy this morning and told her I didn’t think I’d take Skylar tonight as I normally do.  “But I don’t want to lose my Friday night rights!”  I tell her.  “I’m just feeling so drained.  I’m thinking of driving to the beach tomorrow by myself.  I actually thought about taking Skylar, but I think that may be too far for just her and I.”  Amy understood.  We hung up planning Skylar’s birthday party next week.  She’ll be 2 on Wednesday.  I plan to drive to the city, getting off work early as I will put in a 14 hour day on Monday and have the time coming.  It worked out well as I didn’t feel quite as bad about not taking her tonight and tomorrow.

The beach.  The beach.  Even tho wisdom is probably me staying home tomorrow and getting some much needed rest, the truth is, I need the beach!  As the season of summer quickly closes, I really need another day to sit and look out over the sea.  Especially after all the inner sensings I have had this week.  I thought going alone was good, but I happened to get a beautiful email from my friend Vicki as I was contemplating all of this.  She was going through her own inner searchings and I think as me, is feeling something as well.  She wrote it all out, “Sunshine, I like talking to you because I know you will understand.”  I did.  All she was pouring out on me I did for sure understand……I read and re-read her words.  Here was my response;  “Would you like to go to the beach with me tomorrow?  I’m NOT kidding!  Road trip!!  I know the most beautiful beach in southern XXXXXXXXX!!  We could leave early and sit in our beach chairs, look out to sea, dream, talk, and solve all of life’s problems in that place.  We can be home by 7:00 p.m., stopping for dinner on the way?  Wanna go?”  Her response;  “YES!!!”  She ends up telling me she will be at my house at 9:00 a.m. sharp!  It’s official, I am going to the beach.

A few hours later Amy calls again,  “Mom, if you want, I can drive up there and Skylar, Bree, and I will go to the beach with you!”  How sweet was that?  I told her I had found someone to go with me, but thank you.  Heart torn, that was difficult, as none of my kids ever offer to do much with me. I liked the offer.  But, on the other hand, this is a spiritual trip for me.  Vicki will be cool on this standpoint.  If I need to be still, she will be still too.  She is very understanding of this journey I walk.

Speaking of which, Dave and I had a beautiful talk today when I took him home.  Usually, Dave and I talk about his heart and his dilemmas.   Something happened to me today and I suddenly began to speak my own heart.  “So tell me Dave, if you knew some woman was writing beautiful words to you, would you read her stuff everyday?”  “Oh yeah!  Men love that stuff!”  “Even if you didn’t care about her?”  “Oh yeah,  I’d eat it up!”  “Would you do it for 3 years?”  “Uh, not if I didn’t care about her.”  I begin to tell him what I am feeling.  What my own heart is.  How torn I am.  How I feel so restless these days.  He listens.  He tries to share what he can from his own heart.  He is honest with me.  So very honest.  “There’s no doubt in my mind how much this man cares for you Sunshine.  I’ll bet he is very frustrated.”  And we talk.  I confess my deepest heart to Dave in the moment.  Why do I want to cry?  I wonder this.  It’s pouring out this heart to someone so close to me a truth.  The truth of who I am this day.  “I just want so much to see him.  It’s like I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”  He listens.  “Perhaps you need to continue where you are until it changes naturally?”  He suggests.  He’s probably right.  But in the restlessness the past however many days, the longing for him has become incredibly strong.  More so than any of this journey has yet presented me with.  We talk more. I continue to be honest, so is Dave.  He compares it to his own heart about some things.  I ended up sitting with him in my Rodeo tonight for almost 2 hours.  I was so late getting home now, hubby and I had plans to go to the football game tonight.  I found myself feeling drained, dreamy, and a new understanding had hit me from my talk with Dave.  He parts from me once again today with a beautiful hug.  Hugs are so nice!  I discover tho that I have left my purse at work.  I don’t have my cell phone with me, and this causes me a bit of a panic. 

It really didn’t hit me till my drive home.  When revelation falls, it falls over me with a vengeance.  Showing me things I always knew, but was afraid to see perhaps.  I have tried to ignore the fact that it is soul mate here.  For a long time I really tried to convince myself it wasn’t, when deep down, I knew it was.  Today, there was no doubt.  But more than losing all doubt, I had to face why I have taken so long to accept what it is.  It hit me on the way home.  “Once I know it is he, then I have to accept that all that has happened to me is very real.”  Now, it’s true Sunshine…..it is a 2-way street!  What are you going to do about it?  I know the answer. I’ve known it for a long time.  But how?  How do I get there when he won’t even talk to me?  Does it matter?  Is Dave right?  Will this find a natural way of being?  All this time it is what it is? And I remember more what Dave said, “Don’t you see Sunshine, you two give each other so much happiness right where you are!  Man!!  Most people never find what you two have found, even tho it isn’t in a place you can touch, you probably touch each other more than those that do touch because you two bring one another happiness. You fill each other’s hearts.”  As his words sink deep into me, I realize the miracle of Soul Mate.  I feel so warm and hopeful.  Dave has helped me see a truth.  Yes, I can now finally accept it is he here.

Home causes me to come out of my new knowing. We leave for the game, grabbed a quick bite to eat, and headed to school.  I continue to go through the motions of living while all the time my heart is so filled with new acceptance of what happiness is and can be. I walk in my office.  Yes!  My purse is there. When Dave and I rushed out, I forgot to grab it.  By now a storm was moving in and the game is on a 20-minute postponement.  I am so tired.  So is hubby.  “Let’s just go home.”  He agrees. We both have big days tomorrow. He on his journey, mine on my own.

Spirit Bear calls tonight and I have a nice conversation with him about visions.  It is nice to have someone that experiences these to talk to.  I have to cut it short tho. I have writing to do, and I really want to get in the hot tub tonight………..”IF” it isn’t raining when I go out.  Writing tonight tho seems special to me.  Even tho I have known for how long it was probably “him” here, tonight I finally accept it and let the whole real wonder sink in. What a journey of faith it has been!

I will close now.  Still feeling restless, tho I will admit, finally accepting a truth that has circled around me for a very long time is liberating to me tonight!  Still, there is a sense of impending something.  I also feel that in the restless feeling I have to continue to surrender.  And I shall.  I see the stars and the moon above me and realize how slowly things move in that world. It somehow brings me peace that those things slowly happening in my world are happening none-the-less. I am moving forward.  It may not be at the speed I’d like, but I still continue to follow that of which can’t be explained. Forward and on.  God leading, me following……….and all of heaven watching and cheering me on along the way.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Today would be the day I would finally let in and understand it really is you here.  That this is all that I believed it to be for so very long.  I feel speechless and yet, so deep in this moment.  Why have I struggled with this for so long?  Perhaps I was afraid to let it in too deeply. Afraid of all that I myself felt?  Probably, but as time goes on and it gets stronger and I relive some of the memories we have shared, I begin to understand how real it is.  Do I ask anything of you now?  Of course not! I like what Dave said, “We bring each other happiness.”  Do you feel the beauty of this story thus far?  And know what?  I have a feeling we are only in the middle of the chapters or something?  So much more to come!  It grows stronger as years go on………..where will it lead?  Wherever it is, I sure hope it is a stroll on a beach somewhere as we thank one another for all these years we have waited and believed in one another across space, time and distance.  Only, I think we will confess a truth………..you never felt that far from me, as I don’t think I feel that far from you.  And it’s true you know,  all you have to do is close your eyes and you will find me right there, because I am.  So very close in your heart, or so I pray.  Yes, tonight, after how many years of praying for truth, I know and have let it in.  No longer afraid, but just trusting the happiness you bring me.  It’s all so beautiful. I send you love and light my friend……….as I hold you so close in my heart.  Surely somewhere, wherever you are, you feel the warmth I send.  Goodnight………Love, Sunshine