For the first time, I really felt fall in the air this morning.  It is now dark when I wake up, and the mornings are becoming cooler it seems each passing day.  Where oh where did summer go?  More importantly, will summers ever be the same for me again? Once my job goes to 12 months?  There I go, that feeling of nothing will ever change.  But it will. Yes, summers will be the same again for me, but in a new sort of way.

Right now I continue on this incredible spiritual journey.  Will it be short-lived or am I back to where I was a few years ago when I grew so much in my spiritual walk?  I wake right now with a newness in my spirit to be still and listen.  I look up a lot, finding so much peace as I do.  I feel surrounded at the moment in a light of love wanting to be more or less still in all of life.  It is paying great dividends at work I think as I find myself not so unhappy, but truly giving it all I have.  It also is causing me to walk a lot these days, the meditation hikes once again a huge part of my life as I look forward to being still and hearing what God has to stay.  Perhaps I have finally slowed down enough in my life to get back to the basic things that I love so much.  Now God can talk and I can listen, and I can reach into the realm of which I feel most peaceful.

When the alarm went off this morning I was in the midst of a very clear dream.  I think the dream had a lot of significant meaning in my life. I will give a brief description of the dream.

I am in a car driving.  There is a guy next to me. He is younger than I, just college age I would guess. I know he has dark hair.  We are talking. I tell him I went to Brown University.  As I say the words, I know I am lying! I don’t even know where Brown University is!  I look at him and say, “No, I didn’t.  I’m a loser, I didn’t go to college.”  This doesn’t seem to upset him. He grabs my hand and rubs my pinky finger. He is letting me know he cares about me.  There are others with us, tho I can’t remember who they are and I don’t think I knew them. I think Elizabeth is one of them tho.  I realize we are in the city of which soul mate lives.  Next, I find myself on a street in the downtown area. I am with the same people and we are riding in a limo. I open the sunroof and want to stand up.  The people with me make me sit down. We are on a street that has a TON of clubs!!! The lights are bright and I see all sorts of color.  I go into a mall area, where there are clothing stores.  Elizabeth takes off on me and I am alone now in this city.  I am aware that “he” lives in this city!  I could run into him any minute!  I have to find an outfit to wear!!! Panicked I begin going through racks of clothes in the stores, but I can’t find anything to wear!!  I convince myself I probably won’t run into him, because this is a HUGE city!  People live all their lives and never see him I think………but yet, I have to be ready!  I can’t find Elizabeth who is off shopping and I’ve simply GOT to find an outfit in case I run into him……..the phone rings……….it’s my alarm, time to get up.

I think this dream has a lot of significance.  Lots of meaning in here.  One of those meanings I think is how I feel unprepared to meet him. I have to find something that I am looking for!  Time is short, the time to meet up is coming, no matter how much I convince myself it probably isn’t going to happen.  I’m looking for something before I run into him……..what is that something I ask myself?  The missing pieces of the puzzle perhaps?  Perhaps it is being “dressed” properly, which has a lot of deep meaning. In my heart I know what it means.  In my head I don’t know how to get there.  Time    !  Time has a way to work things out. In the mean”time” I am walking the journey being still, listening and loving with all my heart.

On the way home from work Amy called me.  “Mom, I got these 2-year photos taken of Skylar today. They are glamour shots mom, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how beautiful they turned out!”  Of course I would, Skylar is adorable! I think to myself.  I joke with Amy,  “If they’re that good, you should send them to some agencies!  I always said I’d love to market Skylar!”  I made over what these photos must look like with Amy, smiling that she wanted to share this moment with me.  A little bit later she called me back, “MOM! You are NEVER going to believe this!”  She begins.  The mall she was at just happened to have a talent scout looking for models today.  She went by with Skylar and began talking to the representative of the agency.  Skylar was in one of her finest moods, waving at him, smiling. Amy said it was almost as if she knew!  He fell in LOVE with Skylar!  Amy began to ask him questions, but he began to ask Amy questions!  The agency didn’t normally deal with children under 4, but he felt like Skylar would be an exception!  Amy told him of the photos she had just taken, her reason to be at the mall to begin with!  She showed him her proofs, he circled 4. I want these!  He had her fill out a card with phone number, etc.  “Keep your phone on, you will be hearing from us!”  Amy said, “Hey, I have NO money to invest in anything.”  He assured her that would be no problem.  IF an agency sees something, they will invest, not you!  “Hey, am I wasting my time?”  Amy asked.  “NO! I will guarantee you are not!”  He went on, “Most of it depends on how she does in front of  the camera.  At 2 they have to be able to follow directions, and you can’t give 2-year olds acting lessons. So a lot of this depends on how she does in front of the camera.”  Amy was SO excited!  Me? I’m skeptical of that business. I did it for a short time and I KNOW how demanding and shallow it is.  I believe in Amy.  She’ll make the right decisions.  I just find it amazing how it all played out today!  I also wonder where it will lead? I ALWAYS said, “I’d love to market Skylar!”  She just has one of those personalities! And with her blonde curls!  Well, here is a photo of one of her more personable moments!  She looks like Shirley Temple in this photo:

After the hype of Amy’s news and excitement I found myself quiet again.  Reading some, and meditating on where I find my heart these days.  I find it still. I find it contemplating. I find it in the mode of letting go and being okay in the process.  Things are still so up in the air in my world of where the tomorrows will lead.  I’m learning to take everything one day at a time.  Live in the moment, learn right here because it is preparing me for the next step. I use to think I could make the plans for where tomorrow will lead. Lately, I’ve been realizing that there is a plan already set in place, I simply have to walk the journey that leads to the fulfillment of that plan.  I can travel the road fighting and screaming all along the way, or I can do it with a quiet, gentle and trusting spirit.  Being still and watching the beauty of how the plan takes shapes and molds when it seems at the moment I am at the end of a road……..I’m not, the new road just hasn’t quite appeared yet. I see it in my spirit, I just need to wait till it appears so that I may take the first steps on the new road.  Yeah, I wait. Patiently, trusting, and a gentle knowing that change is coming, I’m really not stuck after all.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Gentle and warm thoughts of you without expectation seem to fill me at the moment.  Did you know I left you a message on myspace?  You never read it? I was crushed last week, wondering if you were ignoring me or what?  In the end I decided you probably didn’t get it, because after all these years, there has NEVER been a time you didn’t read anything I sent you.  Remember when I sent you the note backstage to let you know I was there?  You never called me to meet me!  When we finally met up that night you had NO clue I had sent a note, you never got it.  You were not very happy about it and promised me you’d go find it!  You did!  So I decided that something happened that you didn’t get this message either.  You know, fate is funny!  If I am not supposed to have direct contact with you, it seems to me usually it gets stopped. It was no big deal. I was just reaching out. I decided in the end it was more my lesson anyway.  I felt so hurt for a couple days……but I’m not anymore. My head needs to stop figuring things out.  My heart needs to lead! I went back and deleted it……so now I can say I didn’t cross over the line!  Is there a line?  Why?  Oh yeah……I remember why.  *frowns*  This morning I journaled last night’s dream in my dream journal. I came across a dream I had in December, 2006. Wow! It as so beautiful it reminded me of why I am here every night writing to you.  Sometimes, things are about SO much more than we understand.  This dream revealed to me that there are so many more reasons I write to you every night, it’s about so much more than just me reaching out.  When I re-read the dream from back then I smiled and said a silent word of thanks to God for the miracle of you in my life.  You mean so much to me! You are SO special!!  Never question or doubt how real that is in my heart. I send you love and light.  Still believing in so many things, and I hope somewhere out there, you are too!  Have a beautiful tomorrow!  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine