It’s the end of the long weekend.  3 days off and I swear, I feel exhausted.  Again, I sound like a broken record.  One day, I will slow down. I’ll have too.  Perhaps this is what winter will be for?  Not that I look forward to it.

It was a weekend of serving others.  Doing the best I could to entertain, give more of myself than I even had to give. In the end, I was hurt. So very hurt. The tears have stopped now, but in my heart of hearts, I feel so tired of trying so hard.  Perhaps that is where I make my mistake?

Saturday everyone arrived about 3:30.  We had plans to go to the amusement park on the lake not far from here.  By the time everyone got done what needed done it was late.  5:30ish late.  Still, we headed out. We stopped for dinner in a place that I guess would be described as a greasy spoon.  Jason and Susie complained about their food. Chad and Amy didn’t, they were grateful.  I remembered how much Susie’s step-grandma complained about the food we ate while at the beach for the wedding.  These days I keep a focus on that weekend to understand her.  Then we went to the park.  It was a good time.  Everyone got along well.  I felt warm and good. It was nice to have fun like we use to. I thought all was well.

Skylar on The Pirate Ship.........One of those boats that swing back and forth, only this one is for the little guys!

The girls by the lake........

Home, Amy and Chad in the spare room, Susie and Jason in our camper trailer. It’s just the way things are set up here right now.  With 2 babies, Chad and Amy needed the guest bedroom.  I thought it’d be okay for Jason and Susie, I mean, they were allowed privacy, right?

Sunday, day of Jan’s party. I had a lot of cooking to do, so I got up really early to get all of this done before everyone else got up.  I spent a few hours doing what had to be done,  this was after doing all the shopping Saturday afternoon before everyone got here with Skylar by myself.  (Not always pleasant with a 2-year old in a shopping cart!)  I got all done that could be done.  We decided the girls would go shopping, Jason and hubby staying here to do whatever. Shopping was nice for me.  I took the girls (Amy, Susie) to lunch.  We got home later than I had time for.  It was my understanding that the party for Jan began at 6:00.  I wanted to be there by 4:00 to decorate.  It didn’t happen. I had some last minute things to do, before I left, to finish on the food.  When I finally left at 4:45, my cell rings.  It is Jan’s daughter,  “Where are you?”  “I’m on my way! I’m sorry, I wanted to be there an hour ago.”  She said, “They’re on their way now!”  “Wait!  They aren’t supposed to be there till 6:00!” I said in a panic.  “OH no, the party starts at 5:00!”  Nickki replies.  “But Nickki! I have the food!!!!”  “I know!”  I felt horrible.  Here are 50+ people waiting to surprise Jan.  No food set up, and Jan will beat me to the party!  I’ve done some blunders in my life, but this one is up there at the top! It all worked out tho, sometimes you just have to make the best out of bad situations! I felt that I had a good excuse! Jan’s husband originally made plans with me for the party without her sisters being involved.  We had set 6:00. I wasn’t crazy!  The food turned out wonderful when all was said and done.  Jan was surprised, it was a wonderful time.  Jason and Susie were bored out of their minds, so we let Chad, Amy, Skylar, Bree, and them take the Lincoln back to our house. I was with friends.  Friends I seldom get to spend time with. I wanted to stay. In the end, I was glad I did.

Today, I fixed a huge breakfast for everyone.  My Christmas morning breakfast casserole, this on top of all the party food I did.  Chad was thrilled!  “Christmas in September!”  He says with a chuckle and glee in his eye.  Some things seem worth while to me when someone is so grateful for the small things, that maybe aren’t so small in the end.  It was made and done with a lot of love.  I went outside and told Jason of breakfast being served in a little bit.  He grumbled something.  Obviously, not in a good mood. I told him we had decided to go to a festival about an hour from here, then to the state park to eat and invited he and Susie to tag along. “Nah, we’re not going.”  He said.  “No problem.”  I noticed he was grumpy.  “Hey, come on, breakfast in 10 minutes!” I said light-hearted anyway, nervous at why he was being so not pleasant.  He and Susie didn’t show in 10 minutes, or 15, or 20.  The rest of us went ahead and ate, saving them food. They finally came in about an half-hour after we finished.  Susie didn’t end up eating any of it, Jason had a small plate.  Not sure why they didn’t make it in when I told Jason it’d be ready?  I didn’t ask either.  They decided to go with us today.  Everyone would drive their own cars and they’d head back to the city from the state park.  I thought all was well.

The heat today was beyond grueling.  I will admit I had a few regrets.  If it hadn’t been for Jan’s party, I feel I would have headed to the beach 2 hours from here for the whole weekend. It was so hot, as I walked around this festival, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I had to be there, and not on the beach.  It was so hot!!!! I finally bought a lemonade, you know, one of those real lemonades where they squeeze the lemon and pour so much sugar in it never does dissolve?   Skylar rode a few rides,  this is her latest thing these days.  The heat was so bad I started to feel bad. Really bad. I thought I may throw up to be honest.  Jason and Susie had their dogs. The dogs were near heat exhaustion too.  They left to go to the car where I had water in a cooler for them.  We found a shade tree and sat down.  Forget this festival that I paid for everyone to get into, let’s head for the state park. We all agreed.  Jason and Susie could let their dogs swim in the creek that runs through the park.  I thought all was well.

We had to turn off the main road and go back a different direction.  We needed gas.  Chad and Amy followed.  Jason got left behind because he didn’t keep up.  I ran into the gas station to buy more water, but not until I made sure they got there and were still behind us. I thought all was well.

When we got back on the road again and on the way to the state park, my cell phone rang.  It is Jason.  “We’re not going, we’re going home.”  I could tell he was mad.  “What’s wrong?’  That was when the problem began.  I didn’t fight with him, because I am not going to fight anymore! He was letting me know tho they felt left out.  What?  What was he talking about?

I’d go into detail of the whole thing but won’t.  All weekend, just spending such positive time as I tried to, paying for everything, doing the best I could to make all that were there happy, I found myself understanding gratitude.  Susie was teaching this to me, so was Jason, my own son.  They complain about everything. I’m not sure anything is ever right?  Seldom do they say thank you.  It’s almost as if it is expected.  Even after not making it to breakfast this morning, once they ate, while the rest of us were getting ready to go, they get up, leave their dirty dishes on the table, and just walk away. Not that it matters, because that is okay with me, but Jason was taught differently. I tried SO hard to make this weekend an enjoyable one.  Then I was accused of leaving them out and not making them feel as important as Chad and Amy.

I couldn’t help it.  His comments hit me blind-sided. I have bent over backwards for Jason trying so hard to let healing come.  When this happened, I broke.  “Excuse me Jason, YOU don’t call me for months at a time and you feel excluded?”  I said in tears. We had to stop to give them something in our car. We pulled to a little pull off on the side of the 2-way highway.  That is where I sobbed as I defended myself.  I was so hurt.  I just kept saying to Jason,  “NO MORE ANGER! I WILL NOT BE ANGRY!!”  It was all I could think to say.  I think he did feel bad, but the truth is, I don’t know where he was coming from, nor could he give me specifics on what I had done to “THEM” to make them feel left out. 

I’m a very honest and sincere person. I continually and always check my motives. I mean, that is where I KNOW God looks! At our hearts, therefore, I am harder on me than anyone else could be.  I knew the love and effort I put into this weekend.  I suddenly realized, it isn’t me.  Susie is such an angry person. I think there is hope for her, because when she is around me, she can be positive.  But add Jason to the scene, and it’s as if she has to be angry again. He is her protector so the anger must happen so he can be her defender or something like that.  My son has now metamorphosed into her sphere of darkness and unhappiness.  They can turn it on me if they want, but I know, my heart is pure.  Sometimes it’s as if they are trying to steal my energy or something.  That sounds so weird, even when I say it, but I feel that way.

They went their way, we headed to the state part, Amy and Chad following.  They hadn’t a clue what was going on, Amy thought I’d gone off on Jason for not going with us to the park.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. When I explained it, she understood. We had a nice time at dinner.  Chad and Amy as always were fun.  They were grateful for everything this weekend. I feel light coming from them. I feel dark from my son and daughter-in-law. I grow weary trying so hard to be the witness of love and light. It is draining.  Still, I want to know how to help? I am so ready to surrender it to God.  Something isn’t right there, and I can’t put my finger on it.

I’m glad it is quiet now.  For a few hours, the house is so quiet, meditative music playing, candles aglow. I have vowed next weekend if the weather is still cooperative, no matter what, or with whom, I will be at the beach. I need it.  Next weekend, I will find time for me.  Chad and Amy will be busy…….they have a wedding on Chad’s side.  I will be at the beach, weather permitting.

Tomorrow I go back to work.  A job I have come to dread going into each day. A job I so desperately don’t understand why I am still stuck there. Sort of like other things in my life.  Yet tonight, I am focused on what I did learn this weekend.  That is the message of gratitude.  I SO don’t want to be a grumbler with God.  I know what that feels like when I do good things and the recipient(s) don’t even see the kindness behind it.  I’m blessed to HAVE a job!  This must be my focus now. I learned something so very valuable this weekend.  Once again, in pain and sorrow. And the list goes on…….the place still hasn’t sold, nor have I had any lookers.  Rather than complain tho, I will be grateful I have this place!  And the pain of having so much love for a man so far away who won’t contact me?  Well, I am SO grateful I found him, or he found me, and the gifts he has brought to me thus far.  I’m grateful because within my heart I DO know if I trust, one day we will find one another again. So I hold on to my story, and my heart with gratitude and not self-pity!  (Tho at times I do fall to such.)

I’m ready now to begin really focusing on the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and lately have failed so miserably on!  Like losing this weight!  I vow tomorrow to begin again. I fell down, but now I’m going to get back up and keep going!  My new focus for the week!

I’m going to close now. I seldom do this, but it is early enough that I can go lie in bed, read a book for awhile and fall sound asleep before long.  While it’s only 9:30ish, what a blessing to get a good night’s sleep and go to bed early.  Tears have a way to make you tired.  I still battle this journey of life thing, but I think I do grow stronger through each dent and ding of my shield of faith.  Trusting all the time…God.  Seeing Him through new eyes each and everyday.  And even tho I feel sad tonight, in my heart I understand having a heart of gratitude.  The icky things only enhance the beautiful things in the end.  It’s okay to cry I have decided, they wash away the pain, just as the rain falls, when the sun comes out, the grass grows faster and greener………so will my heart.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Sometimes I think I must seem such a basket case to you.  How together I don’t have it.  Then at other times, I think you sit there and say cuss words not understanding why I am where I am and why I don’t make changes because there is so much awaiting me if I do.  Sometimes I think you grow tired of my drama and my opened heart. I will think seriously about how much I have written you for a very long time…….and I will think I have to stop.  It happened yesterday.  You hadn’t been to the journal all day.  So I made a deal with God,  “IF he doesn’t hit today, this will be my sign not to write anymore, I am being foolish.  But if he does come today, then I will know I am to continue.  As silly as it sounds, I needed to touch something to say continue.  LOL! As is true with God, in the 11^th hour, at almost midnight………there you were.  I laughed and chuckled, and began to think how silly I am.  Signs and wonders!  What simple things to believe in!!  But I do.  And when it comes down to it, I write you at night because with all my heart I want to talk to you. I want to share all that I’m doing with you. I so desperately want you to be a part of my life, I come here to share it with you.  But I want to be a part of your life too……….and while I can’t see what is going on in your world at a deep personal level, somehow I feel a part of your life when I know you have come here to touch me and my heart.  It’s so crazy and looney, but then when you think about it, the greatest things in life are the things that are felt, not seen, known, not proved.  You fall under that category for me……….all those things only the faith of a child could ever touch.  What does it all mean? I don’t know………..but I have a feeling, it must be very beautiful in the end because it is something that doesn’t let go of me, nor does it let go of you.  So patiently, and with a heart of gratitude I am SO grateful for what it is now, I mean, almost 6.5 years ago we could have both walked away and forgotten………but we didn’t because we found something so special.  I’ll always remember……..and always believe one day,  someday………someday soon.  I send you love and light always and forever my special someone.  Goodnight,  Love ya,  Sunshine