I made it through one more day of being stuck in place at the moment.  Really, I don’t mean that in a negative sense for the most part, but it seems when you are standing in a starting gate of some sort, and you wait and wait for the doors to open, it can be extremely tense and challenging.  Yes, challenging describes my current place in life, in a soft and gentle sort of way.

Donna didn’t work today. So, here is a rewind of my day from 7:00 a.m. till 7:45 a.m.  Donna neither did another secretary, leaving me completely alone, with the exception of Patti, running the other office as best she could.  Only part time, sometimes I feel she REALLY gets the shaft, but that is another story.  It was the day back from a 3-day weekend.  Every kid either A: Forgot their locker combination  or B:  Their locker was jammed.  Phones were ringing, but I had no one to assist.  I felt lucky, it appeared teachers that were absent had enough substitutes, until 7:10, when a teacher came in and decided she was sick. *rolls eyes*  “Why didn’t you call in earlier?”  Yes, I might have been a tad bit frustrated, but hey, lines, phones, now I have to come up with a sub for her! *ugh*  So I make the call to my sub caller. She thinks it won’t be a problem.  Now the fun begins! It is 7:20 a.m. We get the report, a school bus has been involved in an accident right down the road from school.  ALL administrators take off….leaving me and Patti scrambling with phones and lockers, and attendance!!!  Patti runs into my office,  “Sunshine, a girl passed out in a classroom, and there is no nurse!  There are no administrators in the building either, what do we do?!”  For a moment I think of the beach and where it is I should be……..fleeting seconds trust me!  We find an administrator as they walk in the door from the bus wreck.  No kids were hurt, thank heavens!  However, they all must be checked out. Approximately 20 kids. Of course NO NURSE, because our nurse took an extended leave and they refuse to let us have sub nurses too early in the day! Yeah, life is not pleasant in high school world sometimes!  I do the best I can. I do manage to remain calm in a panicked sort of way.  The beach…….why oh why am I still stuck here?  Behind the gate, waiting, so patiently waiting for the door to open?!!!!

Through it all I had cause to smile. See he was here during the night.  Wee hours of the morning. I don’t know why but to awaken and think how close he has been while I slept, well, it just does something warm to me!! *smiles* This morning was a blessing because it caused me to be full of peace.  How does that happen I wonder?  Just a touch from him makes everything okay….

The day went on from there.  I try not to be grumpy, but at times I am short.  More thoughts of the beach, and of course him. It brightens my day.  And of course prayers.  Sometimes I just cry out to God,  HELP!  Thoughts of Jason and Susie and the happenings yesterday haunted me today. I half cried myself to sleep last night, just because I have tried so hard and I am so hurt. Hubby tells me I need to grow an extra layer of skin.  I guess he’s right……it hurts tho when it is your kid and you can see certain things happening but there isn’t a think you can do about it.

I was SO, SO glad when 3:30 rolled around. These days I’m out of there almost immediately!  I always stayed long after when Elizabeth was there.  These days, no reason to.  Well, my friend Craig came to talked to me this afternoon but I had things to do, so I had to dart out.  Actually, I couldn’t wait to get out of there!

Speaking of Elizabeth……she emailed me today.  She is staying here Thursday night having plans on Friday to go to her daughter’s collegiate soccer game.  I’m SO happy!

Tonight was supposed to be financial night.  Where I catch my checkbook up from how many weeks? *ugh*  And pay bills, and get myself organized. But I failed.  I have to do better tomorrow!

I did however update my journal. I try to do that ever so often. I think everyone is shocked when they open it and something different comes up!  With me, you NEVER know!  When I feel stuck and frustrated, and overwhelmed, I turn to creating a new look.  I guess it’s something I can control.  You know, I really need to live at the beach.  Somewhere?  And since I am talking about what I really need, I think I need that special someone there with me……….would he do it?  Is he an ocean man?  Yeah, I would guess so, I mean he IS a Pisces like me, right?  Are we both fish out of water because we are where we are??  Thoughts drifting in the moment……..

Tonight has been one of complete slowing down.  I didn’t even eat out, actually choosing to go to the store on the way home so that I wouldn’t have to leave again.  My goal was to work out and walk, but I failed in that too!  Tomorrow.  I will do better tomorrow.  For today, I just wanted to rest and feel and touch that heart within me screaming to be someplace else, and at the same time trusting God with all that I have that for now, He keeps me planted here, behind the starting gate for a purpose.

It feels weird to me right now, like I’m in the process of ending a season or something.  Some people tell me they love the change of seasons.  It takes forever for summer to turn to fall, which takes forever for winter to come, which winter then lasts FOREVER before spring comes and then summer to start the cycle of change all over again!!  But that is some people not me. I could spend endless summers I think.  Notice I say, “Think.”  I’m not so sure anymore it is the seasons that matter, as much as fulfilling that calling on our lives.  I do believe we all have a calling.  So here I am. Waiting, waiting for the new season to begin………..and it lingers on and on as I wait, and wait.  Surely one day I will wake up and go WOW!  This is what was waiting for me! Till then I live the mystery of believing I know what is up ahead, just not knowing how I am going to get there!!! And do I really know?  Only that which is shown me in tender leadings and vision.  The rest I totally have to walk in faith believing in so many things.  God once told me not to detest the small beginnings.  A reminder I must keep reminding myself, and doing it with a grateful heart.

I survive taking one day at a time these days……..it’s the only thing I can do. Well that and having a grateful heart for so many things that do come to me everyday.  I just pray I never forget to be grateful, because if I do, I fear what I would become.  Yes, grateful is the answer to walking the journey in the most peace possible.  A heart of gratitude, a deep trust that God leads me, and trust.  Trusting so many things, but mostly, God is love and He has me in the palm of His hand.  As I stand here, behind the starting gate, waiting, just waiting for the doors to open.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Did I ever tell you how much I love those early AM hits?  It warms my heart! I only wish at the same time I could have one of those dreams of you that I haven’t had forever!  Then I’d really believe this connection crosses over the realm of distance to feel you so near!!! Okay, that is a bit too weird tonight, huh?  Do you know before you I never even thought about stuff like that?!  You came into my life and I began to believe in so many new things, because things were happening I couldn’t explain.  Guess I had to learn that sometimes, things can’t be explained in life.  And learn it I did!!!  I felt you near most of the day today.  It helps me get through as I wait.  For so many things I wait.  I have no way of knowing for sure that you feel as I do, other than knowing if you are here like you are, and this feeling so near in my heart of you, and knowing that you think I’m special, then you must feel as I do.  And that is a HUGE WOW to me!!!!  How blessed are we that the light shined down upon us one day and opened our eyes to a very beautiful thing?  I think I have to trust and you have to trust that this time here, where it seems it will never become anything more, is actually the place we grow the most.  I mean did you ever think you’d wait a lifetime for someone?  I know I had given up.  Now, there will never be any question………I found you and I will wait a lifetime if I have too! *hugs*  Yes, you’re my miracle to come and make me believe in so many things.  My miracle to come and wake me up, so that I in return could wake you up!  Are you awake yet?  LOL, OF COURSE YOU ARE!  One day I will fall back into your arms, only this time, do you have to let go again?  Maybe not, huh?  In time my friend……in time.  As I stand behind the gate waiting………so patiently waiting.  I send you love and light. I’m heading to the hot tub now to look up at the stars. I’ll make a wish, kay?  For you, for me.  Have a beautiful tomorrow…..you’ll be in my heart.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine