Tonight finds me writing from my bed, wrapped in a blanket with my lavender candle burning and my satellite meditative station playing on the TV.  I seldom if ever write from this place, but short of being on my deck in the spring and summer evenings, I think this is the place I feel the most creative.  My place. My private place for me.  Nick, my 19-year old cat lies at my feet. These days he seldom leaves the foot of my bed.  He seems so content I am here sharing this moment with him.

I didn’t get home from the city and Amy’s till way late last night. A full day of shopping left me beyond exhausted!  I was diagnosed with fibro myalga a few years ago. Determined not to let it slow me down, I worked out in the pool and eventually felt much better.  Lately tho it has hit me FULL force!  I’m better if I keep moving, it’s when I stop that I can hardly move.  I need to get back to the pool as that was the answer the first time.  But when?  Time is speeding up and there just aren’t enough hours in the day now!  I complained a year ago that it was all going too fast, it seems it’s even faster now than back then.  Or is this my illusion? Anyway, I could hardly move by the time I got home with this awful stuff!  But I WILL beat it again!  All I wanted to do was get in the hot tub!

Amy and I had the greatest time.  We shopped mostly for the Skylar, Bree, and Drew.  I feel I am officially done with the Christmas shopping for them now. Of course we’d stop and eat, or Amy would get coffee.  We were both in light-hearted moods, even me.  I feel as if I’ve learned so much these days. In our time together I never bothered to mention to Amy that Chris had gotten married.  She gave up on my dream, which shouldn’t have really ever become a dream, long before now.  “Mom, you have to get over this!”  She met him a few years ago. She really liked him, but it was the night he chose to walk away from me, and Amy took that to mean I had made a lot of the connection up.  So no, I decided she didn’t need to know he had gotten married and that I still believe he reads my writings.  Besides, this became my journey along the way, almost like the life I wanted to live, if I would have had more courage.  But I didn’t……………

To say the least I did soak in the hot tub when I got home late, and fell, and I mean FELL into bed!  The night before I had a bad night.  It was the night of the day I had to come home because the security alarm was going off and the police and I went through the house together to make sure no one was hiding inside.  I went to bed that night about 11:30pm.  At 12:30am I was SOUND asleep when Pete, who sleeps next to me heard something and began barking RIGHT in my ear!  I was SO out of it, half dreaming I swore in my sleep someone was standing at the foot of my bed looking at me!!! I screamed BLOODY MURDER!  I probably scared Pete even more and Dell came running in………”It’s okay Sunshine, it’s okay!”  The poor man has put up with some violent screaming through the years, this one was probably one of the worst tho.  Have I ever mentioned I sleepwalk too?  Yes, I’ve been known to wake up in other rooms and wonder what I was doing.  And no, I’m not a psychological mess! *laughs*  An hour later I heard a thump, thump coming from outside.  Dell had heard it too. After the morning scare that someone might have broken in, it was just a little too strange and a bit nerve-racking.  It turned out to be a windy night and a Christmas banner I had hanging outside the front door was banging the front of the house. A simple explanation, unfortunately it took a long time to go back to sleep.  To say the least, after a 2.5 hour drive, shopping all day, lack of sleep, I was a goner last night.

And of course I had to work today.  I’ve now been in this job a year!  As I said, “Where does the time go?”  Although I was super busy today, it was one of those days where my boss and Felicia and I bonded.  We talked and talked and shared wonderful conversations. Of course about twin souls!!!!  And spiritual items, and sex, and well just about every conversation under the sun!  It was a wonderful afternoon to be honest.  While I’ve struggled in this job and wanted out so desperately at times the past year I have finally come to realize that it’s pretty nice working there.  It just took a LONG time to truly understand the uniqueness of each personality I work with.  Jane is supposed to be finished December 31, but I hold hope that new funding will come through, as I think Pam and Felicia do too.  I stayed WAY over because we were SO deep in conversation!  I get off at 3:00, I was still there at 4:40!  Some of it was work, but most of it was simply talking and sharing “girl” stories. Are there really too many jobs like this?

I’ve sure learned a lot about myself the past few weeks.  I’ve learned the good things, but I’ve also learned some not so good things about me too.  Areas I need to change.  My discovery that my twin soul/soul mate got married was probably one of those things I always feared would happen.  My theory on this is to be careful what you fear because probably, one day you will have to face it.  Or so it has always been in my life.  Know what I’ve discovered tho now that I have faced it?  There was much to be learned!  Those things we think will destroy us may in the end only be used to strengthen us.

What a beautiful story!  He, the one I had looked for all my life one day just appeared in my life, walking into my workplace!  A rock star (tho he’s not so much a rock star anymore), walking into a high school that I just happened to be working at. I mean what are the odds after being shown 5 years earlier that I knew this man and had shared a great love with him throughout eternity?  I suppose after the vision I could have gone out and looked for any members of this group, but do you know I never even looked any of their names up?  Just because I thought it was SO crazy to really be true.  So no, I wasn’t out to meet any members of that 70s band!  Yet, when he appeared all of life became a maze for me.  Turn here, go there?  Like I was blindly trying to find my way.  Now that it is seemingly the end, I come out of the maze almost at the same place I started. Like one of those fun houses you’d see at a fair or something. You go in the front, and come out the front.  Yes, that’s what I feel has happened to me the last almost 8 years.  Except!  What I discovered in this maze is fascinating!!! I was able to learn what real love is. I found strength. I found my muse!  I laughed in this maze, I cried in this maze, I dreamed in this maze, and I discovered secrets of the universe I don’t think I would have ever allowed myself to discover had he never been sent to me.  I met people in this maze! Oh SO many AWESOME people!  In this maze with me, on their own little journey, going through the maze with me!  Sometimes we’d give one another directions to turn or not turn, and sometimes we’d blindly walk together.

And I’m out of the maze for now.  Standing, looking back at it all. Smiling.  Stronger, so much stronger and wiser.  No regrets at all.  I learned how to have a pure heart and I learned not to judge.  And I stand looking back, crazy as this may sound, I still feel him standing next to me.  Only this time, I know not to make it any more than it is.  Two souls………….so special to one another no matter where life takes them, they will never forget.

Now I will seek spiritually what is next on my journey.  But for tonight I think it is a trip to the hot tub, soaking some achy joints and muscles, talking to God some as I thank Him for the victory in my life!  A year ago I left a job of 20-years for the unknowns…….I jumped off the cliff, that’s for sure!  And tho the year has been quite challenging at times, I feel as if God has truly taught me a lot. Now, I just need to finish the book, after all, that was why I jumped!  So yeah, I think I need to go soak under the winter-night sky and whisper some thank yous and just tell Him how much I truly do love Him. 

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  You know, you can stand outside this maze next to me as long as you want.  I still say we will always be able to teach one another so much…….tho we may never see one another this side of the light again.  A spiritual connection is a spiritual connection, non-severed unless one so chooses. I don’t choose to.  I ran into someone else today who I’ve shared the journey with a bit, and she finally admitted to me that she had a twin soul in her life.  She had never given it a name, but as I spoke of my journey, she realized that yes, years ago she had made a conscience effort not to be with him, but 18 or 20 years later, she never forgets, she feels him, dreams of him, sees him in dreams, and tho neither knows where the other is, the connection lives on. And I wonder.  I will always wonder.  I send you love and light………..Goodnight, Love, Sunshine