What a day it has been!!!  If it could have gone wrong, it did, if I could have felt any emotion I did, and I am wiped out!

No, I haven’t written since Thursday night.  I’ve gotten a bit lackadaisical about journaling as of late.  Perhaps it comes from the fact that my muse got married, even tho it appears he continues to be so faithful to still be here and read, our invisible touch, our invisible call, a touch of two spiritual beings having a human experience, separated in reality tho. Well, however that goes.  I don’t appear to be overly depressed about his marraige, but I will admit, some nights it’s so hard to pour my heart out.  Yet, I come back. I must come back, and I know I must. It is where we still find one another. Worlds apart in so many ways, and yet a connection that goes without understanding.

Another reason for my lackadaisical attempt of writing this weekend is I had the girls most of the weekend.  Amy and Chad had their Christmas party Saturday night so Dell and I kept the girls.  Skylar is no problem, Bree wears me out!  She can’t help it, she’s a 16-month old toddler wanting to discover everything possible!  She keeps me hopping and on my toes!  Might I add, wears me out! *laughs*  It was a joy to have them here,  as this time Bree seldom cried, just laughing and waddling to the next thing she could get her hands on.  By this afternoon when Chad and Amy got here I was WIPED out!  Dell didn’t stick around to help out as he had other things to do.  I didn’t get to bed last night till 1:30am, and then got up at 7:00am, hoping to do some things before the girls woke up. The second my feet hit the floor Bree heard, began screaming because she couldn’t remember where she was, and from then on was full force!  I just didn’t get enough sleep.

I suppose I was tired, but everything began to go wrong from there. The ground was muddy, so I let Pete out front where there’s plenty of grass.  He came back, then I let Lilly out.  She didn’t come right back, but opted instead to go hop in the pond!!!!  Middle of December and she wants to swim!  Okay, so it probably shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, BUT, I just paid $50 on her alone to have her bathed and groomed for Christmas!!! Now she smells like a mucky-covered dog! I was LIVID!  I had to chase her out of the pond, I grabbed her by the collar to put her in the garage, I yelled at her, I smacked her, I kicked her even!  This is SO not like me, and the poor dog had NO clue I could be so angry!  I figured out I was taking 2 days of frustration from chasing babies, and taking it out on the poor dog who is my bestest friend in the whole world!!!!  Well, you can imagine the emotions when I realized it! I came in the house in tears, I switched laundry from washer to dryer, I began to cry, I had hurt my best friend!  I go out to the garage where she is soaking wet, I sit on the stoop, she is feeling bad, but not as bad as me. I call her to me and I begin to kiss on her and hug her and tell her how sorry I am.  She’s forgiving.  I wish I was more so of myself!  She gives me her paw, I’m now muddy from her paws, but who cares.  We make up as I sit there and sob and tell her how sorry I am.  Still, she is confined to the garage the rest of the day.  Does anyone know how long it takes a golden retriever to dry in winter? *sighs*

I come in the house, Amy sees I am crying,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          “Come on mom, let’s go shopping.”  She wanted to go to Target for something.  At first I didn’t want to go because I needed to make dinner for all of us, and my spirits were so low.  We would take Skylar, and Chad and Dell would stay here so Bree could take a MUCH needed nap.  Finally, I agreed to go.

It really was what I needed.  We had a nice time.  We ended up at my favorite craft store, as this was where Amy wanted to go…………….I felt sort of guilty because I knew Dell had a ton of things to get done, and needed Chad’s help. But I didn’t have my cell phone, thinking I had left it at home I hadn’t. It had fallen out of my purse in the Navigator.  I just didn’t know Dell had called 4 times.

When I got home he was waiting for me.  “We had a serious problem.”  He began, as he pointed to the grass in front of our house.  I saw my Christmas throw rug in the front yard.  Apparently Chad was asleep, with Bree laying on his chest in the recliner with a fire going.  It must of popped, a big spark flew out onto the Christmas rug, setting it on fire.  It spread to the carpet in the living room, catching it on fire, the whole room filled with smoke while Chad and Bree slept!  My dog Pete truly IS hero of the day as he began barking right next to Chad as to wake him up.  When Chad woke up the living room was filled with smoke, flames coming from the rugs, and he wasn’t feeling good!  He ran outside with Bree, ran back in the house, grabbed the throw rug, threw it in the front yard flaming, back in the house grabbed a pitcher of water and got the carpet out before it spread to some stuffed Christmas moose I have standing right where the fire was!!! When I came in after Dell was telling me the story, I came into the carpet around my fireplace black and singed, and a lingering smoke filled room and smell.  Chad was still complaining of a horrible headache, tho Bree acted okay.  If it wasn’t for Pete, I’d probably be sitting here tonight with a house that burned down.  You always hear stories of animals being heroes, well tonight I am here to tell you Pete is MY hero, and Chad and Bree’s!!!!  Dell, who was on the other side of the pond doing whatever he was doing looked up to see Bree sitting in the grass without a coat on in the middle of winter, and came running.  Chad had the fire out by now, but clearly, all were shaken beyond words.  To say the least everyone was pretty shook up.

The smoke was the worst.  We have an attic fan, so Dell decided to get rid of the smoke he’d put that on and it’d suck all that smoke out of the house.  Not thinking that the fireplace still had a fire going.  The second he turned it on, it not only sucked the smoke from the fire out, but all the smoke from the fire in the fireplace filtered right through the house, filling it with more smoke than we started with!  It was AWFUL!  We ended up opening all the windows, turning the heat off, and letting it dissipate naturally.  To say the least, me cooking dinner for everyone was out of the question!  We decided to go get pizza.

My emotional wreck from this morning was spilling into the rest of the day.  And yes, when we went to get pizza, Pete and Lilly went with us.  Lilly now dried, and acting as if I hadn’t gotten mad at her this morning, everything was good for her. I only wish I could forget how mad I had gotten at her.

The upside to the whole weekend was last night for the first time I got to see, “Dances With Wolves.”  A movie Dell has watched over and over I never got into, but last night, as I held Bree I finally got to see it.  Wow.  I cried through a lot of the movie.  Man, people can be so cruel.  And some can only want love and light and peace in their lives, as the Sioux Indians, but it seems the cruel take over.  Sound sort of like the world today?  The movie truly did awaken something within the inner part of me.  I touched something so familiar in this movie and yet, I can’t explain what that is.

Last night too, before I ever sat down to watch, “Dances With Wolves” I was having a “Soul Mate Night.”  That basically means no matter what I do, I can’t get him off my mind.  Yes, I was busy with the girls, and yes I was giving my whole heart to caring for them, playing with them, sharing with them, but in every moment “he” felt so near.  I’d pray during this period of time,  “Lord, I have to let this go!”  I just don’t understand it, I honestly don’t!!! I feel him so much sometimes, and even tho I know he is married to another, and I shouldn’t be having these feelings, I still do.  Oh believe me, I try to convince myself that I am simply not letting go or something……………….but all my rationalizations don’t seem to matter.  I simply feel him, and he feels so near.  Where was he?  What was he doing?  Is he okay?  Is all well with him?  Is he happy?  Am I insane?  Well, you get the idea.

And with that I think I will attempt the hot tub. The fibro myalga thing is really bad today.  Perhaps it is a front coming through, or the fact I have chased a baby all weekend, but whatever it is I really just need to soak in hot water, and try to rest. It’s been a very long and trying weekend.  But in a good sort of way because I got to spend time with Skylar and Bree, even if they do wear me out.  My spiritual time was waning this weekend because I was so busy so I think to talk to God for awhile will do my soul a whole lot of good, and of course, perhaps I will whisper a few words to “him”, the one so far away.  No, nothing of a romantic nature!  Nope, nothing more than reminding him his friend is still here…………………through space and time, I will remain.  Because sometimes, some things in life really can’t be explained, only felt.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  Oh confessions of the heart and soul sometimes are scary things to share, but all these years later I continue.  Why?  Because I honestly believe my confessions perhaps are within your heart too, you just would never know how to express them, unless it’d be in song.  Believe me, sometimes I worry that I could be the fool over all of this, but I don’t interfere in your life. I simply stay here, in the shadows now, whispering to you those things I feel in my heart………..and I still wish you the most happiness possible.  I believe in destiny, tho I never really thought about it till I met you.  I am told by someone who has a strong spiritual discernment that this was a part of that destiny. I accept and believe because love never doubts.  I send you love and light and a prayer. I continue and always will be praying for you.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine