It’s now Sunday night and I sit here waiting for Joel and Emma to come in for Christmas.  I’ve worked my tail off all weekend trying to be ready, and tonight, I think I accomplished my goals!  Yay!!!!  The house looks beautiful and I feel such a sense of peace here.  Perhaps it’s the tree, my new home built entertainment cabinet that looks as old as the hills, which is of course what I wanted, candles aglow, gifts under the tree with bows sparkling from the reflection of the Christmas tree lights.  Yeah, it is so me, and well worth all the work I put in this weekend.

I haven’t seen little Drew since October when we went out to Tulsa and visited which was close to Halloween.  He’s so adorable, and such a happy little boy! I look forward to spending some time with him over the next few days.

I’ve been talking to Emma on and off all day while she was on the road.  They are bringing two cars, because Joel will be leaving for Officer School in the southeast beginning January 2, but more on that in a moment.  Emma and Joel are having a party here tomorrow night with high school friends who are also in town for the holidays.  Emma asked if they could plan it here of which I was THRILLED!  I love to entertain and was SO happy she felt comfortable enough to ask.  So we were planning menus and stuff while she drove.  Then I ran to the store and bought the food.  So I have been oh, SO busy today!

My Christmas party for our office is tomorrow, so I won’t be around a lot of the time for the party here.  So yes I am entertaining, but I won’t be here. I’ve made some of the food this evening so all Emma has to do is put it out.

When it comes to fun, I have the coolest boss.  Our Christmas party tomorrow is being held in a casino about 80 miles from here.  Remember, my boss lives in the city, so it’s only about a 15 mile trip for her.  We plan to meet at noon in the casino buffet, then head into the casino for some gambling time!!  I use to love to do this, but these days, since my mom died, who was a DIE-HARD slot machine player, I just don’t enjoy it as much.  And here is one of my favorite stories:

The first time my mom took me to a casino I was 36 years old.  I had a hysterectomy that summer and was almost recouped.  They felt sorry for me because I had so many complications with my surgery and really had been laid up a LONG time!  They decided a day road trip would be fun, and my mom wanted me to experience the thrill of a casino since I had never been. The kids rode along with us (they were young teenagers back then). It was about a 2.5 hour drive.  My dad gave me $50 to gamble with, and took off with my kids to go to some safari park.  My mom, who LOVED to gamble took off on some machine leaving me on my own in this big place of which I had NEVER been! Not knowing how slot machines worked I sat down to play video poker.  (Hey, I had one of those hand-held machines back then so I knew sort of how to do this.)  It was a quarter machine.  After about $27 of my $50 was gone, and now down to 8 credits, I pushed the 5 credit maximum, as I was bored to death and wanting off the machine.  The Jack of hearts came up, the King of hearts, the Ace of hearts came up, so I held them.  I hit draw, and by golly, the Queen of hearts came up, and so did the 10 of hearts!  The lights on the machine started flashing, the sirens going off, “What’d I do?  What’d I do?”  I said to the lady next to me! I knew I had all hearts, but I didn’t really understand it was a straight royal flush!  “Honey, DON’T MOVE!  You’ve hit the jackpot!”  The guy on the other side of me said, “Oh S*#&!!!” Almost disgusted that I had hit this and had no clue what was going on. He just shook his head.  I think I might have even told him I was sorry. *chuckles* I sat and sat.  Finally management came up and said, “Congratulations!  You bet the maximum amount, we’ll be right back!”  They came back and said, “Stick out your hands!”  As I did, they began putting $100 dollar bills in my hand and everyone was counting,  “100,  200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100, 1200!”  Yup, I won $1200!  They made me play my final 3 credits before I would be excused.  I hit nothing with those 3.

Now my mom had NO clue what had happened and for the longest time I couldn’t find her on this 3-story boat. I held onto my plastic cup, now filled with $100 bills and the remaining original quarters I had from my $50 my dad gave me.  I walked and walked. I finally found her!  She was pulling that arm thing, I walked up, I was trying to not make a big deal about it, pretending to be quiet for a moment,  “Oh Sunshine! Look at this, I am hitting, I am hitting!”  She probably had about $100 of quarters she’d hit.  “No mom, I hit!  I won a jackpot!”  Still not wanting to be disturbed by her little hits almost every pull, she said, “Oh, stop it!” She was ignoring me, as she was having so much fun with the bars still hitting.  “No mom LOOK!”  And I pulled my wad of $100 bills out of my cup.  “Put that away!  Don’t let anyone see that!”  Now I had her attention!  I told her what had happened, she shook her head, but didn’t stop playing her machine either!  I realized she only had 2 more hours of gambling and really didn’t want to be disturbed.  All I wanted to do was GET off this boat!  2 hours was going to be a VERY long time for me!  I decided to go ahead and spend the rest of my $50, which was about $33 more dollars.  I got brave and played a $5 slot machine.  One pull of that was more than I could take!  So I headed for a $1 slot. I put $2 in, the maximum, and hit something which paid me another $80.  I decided that was it, I wasn’t going to push my luck anymore and went to find a coke machine and sit nervously holding my now $1300 in cash while I waited, just waited for the boat to dock so I could GET OFF!

My dad at the time had NEVER seen anyone hit like I had!  LOL, he made me pay him back his $50 and I had to buy dinner on the way home!  To say the least I was a goner……………..I loved gambling from then on out.  My mom and I would take trips, and usually had a great time. But once she was gone, I seem to lose enthusiasm for it.  I have since hit a couple more jackpots, but none that paid as big as that one did.

So tomorrow I will go to the casino for our Christmas party, taking Jane with me this time, who has NEVER been to a casino before.  She doesn’t plan to really gamble, but if she does what I did my first time, well, I may be creating a monster in her! *laughs*  And the truth is we don’t have all that long because I need to get home to the party going on at my house, and my little grandson who will be here that I don’t get to see too often.

As I was talking to Emma it hit me,  Joel was really leaving Tulsa.  He has been in Tulsa since he began college back in 1999.  That’s like almost 10 years!  He met Emma there, even tho she was from our state, he graduated there, once for his Bachelors, then for his “Masters of Divinity.”  Drew was born there, they bought their first house there. When he left this morning, he was leaving Tulsa for good.  Yeah, he’ll go back to move when Officer’s training is over, and Emma finishes out her year teaching, but life in Tulsa for Joel has now ended.  As I was talking to Emma about it, I began to cry. I couldn’t even hardly talk, and I don’t know why? Perhaps it is the end of a season in my son’s life, he’s on to something much bigger now.  And I thought of poor Emma who after Christmas will go back to Tulsa with little Drew, she’ll work while Joel is 100s or miles away, she’s expecting in June, and Joel will be gone for 3 months of her pregnancy.  I don’t know what it was, but my heart just broke for her over the next few months.  She’ll sure be facing some trying times I am sure with Joel gone. The good news is her brother and sister and best friend all live in Tulsa so she’ll not be all that alone.

And they are still not here……………and I wait, so excited to see them, I wait.

As I look at my Christmas tree and the ambiance of my great room and the peace I so feel here, it’s one of those moments I wish I could share with “him,”  The one so far away.  I guess I have to accept that in a way, somehow I do believe he is sharing this moment with me because I truly do believe there is no distance in the spirit, nor time.  And I absolutely believe this is what we share, a very strong spiritual connection.

And my story continues………………….and my journey!  And my faith remains so very strong of which I will not take any credit for.  I still believe that this faith within me is a gift from God that I get to keep opening and opening every day of my life.  If I asked Him to bless me with anything I would ask Him to give me a gift of wisdom and a gift of faith, and you know, I think that the two go hand in hand. Wisdom from my journey tonight………………………

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  I’ve had Christmas music on ALL weekend, and in all the stores I’ve been in Christmas music has been playing and still, no “Merry Christmas Darling.”  I almost have to laugh because I swear years past I’d hear it everywhere I went!  This proves to me that synchronicity is so alive!  I just love how it works.  I honestly do hope that this Christmas season finds you completely filled with peace and love and joy.  I wouldn’t wish anything less for you my friend.  It’s not where I want it to be, or hoped it would be by now, but it’s also still very much alive within me, which is in itself that remaining miracle.  I still wish you could see my tree………….and I wish you could go out and shop with me. I wish you could sit in the hot tub with me, although tonight, neither of us could do that! It’s that “Alaskanie” out there!  There’s so many things I wish, but that’s the awesome thing about dreams, you can wish them, and go to that place within your heart to see the dream come true.  And because I’m dreaming of you, it’s enough to last me a lifetime.  See!  It’s completely in perspective these days in a very healthy way.  I just go on living and keeping you buried in my heart.  One day I’ll understand it, so will you…………………and I still think we’ll meet up again.  Time, fate, and faith will tell.  I send you love and light.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine

It’s now 15 minutes before midnight and this is the very first time I have sat down all day!  I have been on the go beyond belief.  Advil has kept me going as this fibromyalgia thing continues to hit every joint in my body! I swear if this keeps up I’m going back to the doctor and find out what I need to do to get rid of it! Ugh!  But, the Advil kept me going. Oh, and did I mention a LOT of prayer and confessions that I DO walk in divine health!  I believe even tho I can’t see…….. A theme most of my life is based on.

So IT’S DONE!   This hutch/cabinet thing that made me decide not to return the big screen plasma TV.  And I am VERY happy with it.  I promised photos so here you go!

 The doors about drove Dell to a nervous breakdown! I guess he had a lot more problems than he thought he would getting the panels in the slots, etc.  I worked with him most of the day completing the doors.  We began at 8:30am, and ended at 4:30pm, but we had to run to Lowe’s to buy “L” clamps during that time.  His mood was not the best, but I know he tends to be like this so I stay quiet and pray a lot.  That this will work for him or that as he’s so frustrated.  It’s the only thing I know to do, and after all he was building this for me, so I couldn’t get mad at him when he was yelling at me because I didn’t do something right.  He’s just a very up-tight person and has LITTLE if any patience. I see why we don’t work together on too many projects these days. *sighs*  BUT, it is done and I LOVE it!! So I am glad he drove himself nuts to build this for me.

The doors will stay open 95% of the time, but I did take a photo with them closed so everyone could see the final product.  Elizabeth was here during the building process so I know she is excited to see it done.  I talked about it so much the last month or so that I wanted everyone to see. I’m sure my friend Jane will stop by and see it too now that it’s completed.

I had a weird experience today when I was in Lowe’s.  There is this guy that works in there I’ve seen before. He seems to be a really nice guy, and of course I don’t know a stranger, so I will smile and say hello.  I’m not sure why he remembers me as I’ve only been in there maybe 2 times at the most in the last 6 weeks.  Today he saw me as we were looking for the “L” clamps.  I sort of smiled as I walked by, not thinking that much about it.  As we were heading towards the cashier to pay, I started hearing someone yelling, “Hey, lady!  Hey, YOU!”  I had no clue who was being yelled at, but anyone close to where I was in the store at this point turned around because he was LOUD! When I did it was the guy.  He was yelling at me!  I pointed to myself, as if to say, Me?  “Yeah, you!”  He said.  So I walked a bit towards him, “Yes?”  “Did you find everything you needed?” He said with a smile.  “Yeah, thanks.”  I said in a sort of confused way.  I just sort of smiled and turned around to catch up with Dell.  He didn’t hear a word, he was so focused on this hutch thing and getting it done he was oblivious to the world.  But how strange is that?  To yell at me to make sure I found everything I need? 

And home we came.  I was so glad when it was all put together and FINISHED!

Then I headed for the mall. Now that is a crazy thing to do this time of year after working for 8 hours on a cabinet with a frustrated hubby!  Tis the season, right?  But, I HAD to pay my first Sears bill, the one that I get 24 months interest free which is why I bought the big screen plasma to begin with!  I had signed up on line to pay my bill but they require a 6-day waiting period to verify my bank account, so I was forced to head to the mall to pay it in person.  And you guessed it! I had to wait in line how long? *rolls eyes* But, tis the season, and I just decided not to be frustrated today. I’d seen enough of that with Dell, and because I had spent most of the day talking to God anyway, praying a lot of peace around myself and situations around me, I guess I was under that covering of peace I prayed for. Before I knew it I had paid the bill and was on my way to Kohls. I decided I wanted to buy something I had seen a few days ago.  Man, if there is an economic crisis in this country you sure wouldn’t have known it by the way that mall looked!  You could hardly move in there! 

Speaking of economic crisis…………have you heard that the Congress have voted themselves a pay raise of $4500 this year?  Okay, this is NOT a political journal, but come on people!  From what I read, this will cost us taxpayers an additional 2.5 million dollars!  How many people are now unemployed?  How many people are losing their homes?  How many of us are taxed to death, doing without raises in order to just keep our jobs and our GOVERNEMENT believe they have a right to give themselves a raise in the midst of all this.  *grumbles*  Okayyyyyy………………………END of rant!  Back to love and light now!

After all my running, and some more Advil, I came home to begin the next major job on my list;  wrapping gifts!  I had wrapped several the other day, tonight I finished wrapping all but 2 gifts, which means I was on my feet for 3.5 hours!  I started at 7:30pm, and ended at 11:00.  I just need bigger boxes for one of Amy’s gifts, and Bree’s, and I still have to get Susie one more thing, then I have to go get the socks, booties, etc., of which I will wrap cash with for the adult kids.  The little ones get all presents.  Money would bore them, right?  Wouldn’t you love to be a kid again where money had no concept?  Perhaps I wouldn’t be so upset with my government…………..okay, okay, never mind.  *more grumbling*

Tomorrow will be packed busy too!  And Monday!!!  Joel and Emma are due in tomorrow night so I will spend tomorrow cleaning, planning menus while they are here, grocery shopping, and hopefully wrapping the last of the presents before they come in.

I am sure most everyone else is busy this time of year as well.  For me this year tho I think it is good, or perhaps I am trying harder than normal to be on the go.  See, I am still sort of haunted by “twin soul” getting married.  No, I’m not upset in any sort of way, other than perhaps being envious of her.  She gets to spend Christmas with him, and wasn’t that something I dreamed of for how long?  And New Year’s Eve I am sure he will ring in with her………….yet another dream I hoped to share.  So I truly am doing the best I can to learn what I need to learn about where I am, or where I am not, and trusting that destiny is what it is.

Which reminds me of a lot of my prayers lately.  Is destiny changeable?  Can it be changed by our choices?  I never have thought so, but lately I’ve been wondering.  For instance in the Bible, before God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah he sent angels into the cities to see for themselves if it was as wicked as he heard. Abraham went with these angels.  And Abraham, realizing how wicked these cities were, asked the angels,  “If you can find 10 righteous praying, will you destroy the city?”  And the angels said, “If we can find 10 righteous that are praying, for the sake of those 10, we will not destroy the city.”  So Abraham asked if they could find 8 would they destroy it, and the answer was the same. Then he asked about 5, then 3, then 1.  All the way the angels said, even when it was down to 1, that for the sake of the one praying they would not destroy the cities.  So my point here is this, “Could that have changed the destiny of Sodom and Gomorrah being destroyed?”  Is it the same today?  If we pray can we in fact change outcomes? Or is it set in stone and God knows the beginning from the end and we pray according to what we probably already know ourselves, a knowing in our spirits that we sometimes don’t recognize?

Okay, questions tonight that are way too deep for a tired mind, a tired body, and a hopeless romantic who still longs for that special someone so far away.  But tomorrow is a new day, and perhaps one day closer to understanding why life has me where I am, and where I am not.  *smiles*  And I’m okay because I know in my heart that every step of the way my Father in heaven is near……………..using me as He needs to, and holding me in the palm of His hand and really, that’s the only thing I need to know on this journey.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  I hope this finds you good!  I seldom if ever check your site anymore so I haven’t a clue what you’re up to?  But the last time I checked it hadn’t been updated in how long?  *laughs*  I still say if you are the one continuing to read here, then you surely must be feeling what I do? I mean I can’t imagine you staying this close to me for almost 4 years now just because you think I can write well? *laughs*  This mystery I just try to embrace, but I am still human enough to be a little bit envious of the woman who will spend Christmas with you this year.  Yeah, I wish I were her…………………….but it is what it is, and as long as you are happy then I will be okay.  And yes, I know that I have no room to talk as it was me that never made the changes to be her, if that was ever a possibility.  Am I on a road of regrets?  No, because I always believed if it was meant to be it would happen without me making it happen.  Know what? I still believe it and therefore I can’t hurt about where it is or isn’t at the moment. I’ve tried too hard to get over it, only to find it never went away.  There’s a reason for that,  just like there is a reason you still think of me and are here to check in everyday.  It’s so out of the box, isn’t it?  And yet, it is probably the most real thing we’ve ever really known, you and me.  Yeah, I think that’s the truth.  I send you love and light.  It’s so cold here tonight…………….but thoughts of you warm my heart.  Still.  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine  

 Soul Mate:  I've been thinking about this song a lot as it sort of seems to be where I feel it is.  Where do you go from here?  An oldie I've always loved, which suddenly the words seem so known to me. So I share it with you tonight.