It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  But then it’s been awhile since life is normally what it is.  With the holidays here, Joel and Emma being home, on the go, on the go, my writing times were diminished to nothing.  Add on top of that the fact a family member with the most well-meaning motives completely tore me apart about my writing, both journal and book, calling the whole thing “stupid!” it’s taken me some time to try to figure out if this is in fact what God would have me do.  Might I add in a very quiet emotional sort of way.  I do tend to listen to family members with all my heart, and I do tend to judge myself harshly.  A deadly combination for one to follow one’s heart.

Interesting enough, the one that convinced me to continue and not listen to my harshest critics is Dell.  The man is incredible when it comes to my spiritual convictions and need to live life outside the box.  “Why do you listen to anyone Sunshine?  Do what you have to do.” That was a few days ago, which with the craziness of the holidays seems days ago.

Last I wrote I spoke of my office Christmas party which was held at a casino about 1.5 hours from here.  What a great time!  Jane and I both came out of there with a lot more money than we went in with. And while it wasn’t a HUGE jackpot, to both Jane and I, Jane who walked out of there with $210 more than she went in with, and me, who walked out of there with $165 more than I went in with, well, we decided it was a great time!  It was extra money for Christmas for me to give the kids, and I did.  I randomly wrapped money with each of their presents, so my win helped me a lot.  Our boss bought us the most wonderful lunch, a buffet of all you can eat prime rib, not to mention lots of other goodies.  It was a great time.

Tuesday found me shopping, cooking, sleeping in as after I got home from my party to the party being held here by Joel and Emma, tired as I was I spent the next 3 hours cleaning up my kitchen which looked like a tornado had gone through and back again.  Then Joel and I sat for a heart-to-heart talk, not ending till 1:30am, that after awakening at 5:30am,  working till noon, then my trip to the casino.  Exhaustion set in.

Wednesday found me cooking more.  I was in charge of Christmas breakfast for the 11 of us, and most of the hor dourves Christmas Eve, tho Amy really did pitch in a lot this year.  Then I had to finish wrapping 16 more presents, and all had to be done by the time Dell got off at noon.  He didn’t get home till almost 1:30, which was fine because I was still wrapping.  Tired, so tired, he offered to do the last 3 presents which meant I could clean up yet another huge mess.

We finally left around 3:30 for Amy’s.  Loading the car was a major chore, once again we had WAY too many presents.  And I swear I DID cut back!

The ride to Amy’s was spent by myself.  Dell was driving a different car, we couldn’t get everything in our Lincoln with the 3 dogs.  Yes, 3.  We were keeping Joel’s dog too as Emma’s parents new place is a small 2 bedroom apartment as they wait to see what their next step will be in life.  I get it.

Christmas Eve to me is the most special time.  There’s just a feeling all around for me of special, sentimental, spiritual gifts of all sorts.  I find myself so very grateful on this special night of the year, even if there is this part of me that longs to be someplace else.  I’m working hard on this, I swear!  I continue trying so hard to put it all into perspective.  My thoughts drifted off to “him” and his new wife and what a special time for both of them, but that hurt, you know?  So I decided it really is time to let it go and not have those thoughts.  Things aren’t always what they seem to be and as I’ve been accused of on more than one occasion, I tend to over-romanticize some things.  Besides, it was Jesus’ birthday, the real celebration is Him so I let my thoughts wander back to His beauty and  the freedom He gives me.  Before I knew it, I was at Amy’s.  All 3 grandkids waiting and dressed in perfect Christmas motif.  Their mommies had done well dressing them for our church service Christmas Eve.

We unloaded food, presents, clothes, dogs………………just in time to leave for church. Oh yeah, and I made the queso dip and was warming it in the crock pot right as we left.

Christmas services were nice, tho strange with 3 kids.  Why do I always cry Christmas Eve?  The music, the lights, the special atmosphere that seems to adhere to the night.  I have come to believe after my last long talk with Dell that it’s because I truly am so much more spiritual based, than reality based.  I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad thing, tho I happen to believe we are spiritual beings, therefore I am the one that probably feels more reality than those that are reality-based, so Christmas Eve to me is spent feeling that which much be going on in the heavenlies as a lot of the world quiets down to reflect on the gift of the season, if not from a spiritual standpoint, from a standpoint it’s the season of love and giving, which I happen to believe moves heaven. Like a huge wave of love sent out into the universe.

Tho I know some are lonely and depressed at Christmas.  I saw it first-hand this year, but more on that in a moment.

Christmas Eve dinner/hor’dourves night was nice as all of the kids, spouses and current grandkids (2 more on the way) gathered around the TV to watch OVER and OVER, “A Christmas Story.”  I have thoughts on this, but it was okay because most of the night found me cleaning up the kitchen.  When that was done it was time to put out Santa gifts as the kids were now sound asleep.  Lucky kids!

I didn’t sleep well at all that night.  3 hours at the most. I finally got up around 6:30am, and began preparing for the big breakfast I had planned.  After that it was up to Amy to do the dinner, I was still in protest this year after throwing away so much food last year and swearing off a big Christmas dinner!  Never again, I will make chili from now on! I swore it!  Amy didn’t want chili, instead offered to make potato soup.  “Great, sounds good to me!”  All I had to do was get breakfast ready. I had prepared 3 breakfast casseroles, Chad and Emma’s very favorite, a beautiful fruit salad, and all sorts of coffee cakes.  Breakfast was ready by 9:00am.  Susie and Jason a little late, we waited and waited as we looked at the mounds of Christmas presents, taking up half of Amy’s great room.  We had hours of opening to do!

As we waited to serve breakfast, the kids were busy playing with what Santa brought them.  After breakfast was finally served it was time to open gifts!  We have a tradition in our house.  We don’t hand out gifts and everyone tears them open.  We do one at a time so everyone can see what everyone got.  Only this year, we ran out of time.  Joel and Emma had to leave around noon to be at her parent’s house.  We weren’t finished opening gifts.  It had become too long of an ordeal I guess. So next year we will all either have to cut back again, I SWEAR I did this year! Or else, do something different. I don’t like feeling rushed. *sighs*  I guess I spend too much time and money to make it special, so I am back to having to find a solution to this next year.

And before I knew it everyone was gone, except for Amy, Chad, Skylar, Bree, Dell and me.  No great gathering this year which was okay for me too. I had on sweats…………and I was tired!  Amy fell asleep, so did I. I only slept for a couple hours, Amy slept longer.  “Ops! “ She told me before her nap. “I forgot to get potatoes for the soup.”  Turns out she forgot to get all the ingredients.  And we had NOTHING for dinner.

When I woke up, I decided to head out and try to find ANY grocery store open.  Amy had awakened by now and said she’d go with me.  And off we went.  We drove and we drove………no stores were open anywhere!  No pizza places were open!  We got to the city the casino was in I had been to earlier in the week, about 15 minutes from Amy’s house.  Amy was only familiar with the street the casino was on in this town.  We get off the interstate hoping, HOPING something was opened.  The only thing opened was…………….the casino!!!!  We pulled in there to turn around when I remembered there was  a deli in there from my earlier visit.  “Hey, we can at least go in and buy chicken salad sandwiches or something?”  “Mom, it’s Christmas! We can’t go into a casino on Christmas can we?”  She said like we were about to break some big rules! I agreed with her, but explained we might find food for all of us in there! So we parked and headed into the casino, on Christmas, which for some unexplainable reason seemed totally against my religion!  We headed to the food areas.  The buffet was opened, a line waiting, obviously we weren’t the only ones where “someone” *chokes the name Amy* forgot to get anything for Christmas dinner! Both of us starved by this point,  Amy said, ‘Hey mom, why don’t we just get the buffet ourselves and take everyone else something else back?”  “Um no!” I told her and forced her on past the buffet line.  We came upon a “Johnny Rockets” within the casino.  This is where she called Chad to ask him if he thought cheeseburgers would be okay, and telling him where we had ended up.  Dell overheard we were at the casino, told Chad he wanted to talk to me! When we got on the phone he began to ask me how much I had lost!  I was trying to explain I wasn’t playing the slots! I was looking for food!!  This is the only thing opened between Amy’s house and the casino, other than a few gas food marts. As I was defending myself some couple sitting at a table in front of “Johnny Rockets” overheard my defending myself and how I wasn’t gambling when the lady, probably upper 60s-lower 70s said,  “Tell him to take a hike!  It’s Christmas and you can do what you want!”  Apparently she couldn’t tell I was joking.  When I hung up, she said, “This is our third casino today!  We’re having a ball! I don’t know what the big deal is?”  She and her husband looked like they were having fun.  She told me there was another deli “downstairs” that had wonderful chicken salad.  I realized she and her husband had nowhere to go for Christmas. This was their fun.  I wasn’t really sad for them, because they were making the best of it.  Not everyone has family to go to. I decided this was food for thought.  I thanked them, they told me of their wins, which was HUGE in my book, and I headed downstairs to find this deli.  Amy tagging behind thinking this was an adventure of some sort!

Try to remember, I had sweats on, NO make-up, my hair wasn’t touched, after all, I was just going to be super lazy all day Christmas as we watched our new movies we all got, and ate potato soup.  Now, I find myself traipsing through a casino looking for food!!!!  Amy behind me full of glee at the adventure we are on!  “Mom we will look back at this and laugh one day!” She says as we hear the sounds of casino machines, ching, ching, of a hit here or there.  “Yeah, Amy! We will laugh!” *rolls eyes*  Sometimes laughing is all you can do.

We found the deli, located right at the center of the casino.  A long line had formed here too.  Man, there were a lot of people eating Christmas dinner here! As we waited, noticing that a chicken salad sandwich would be about $8 per person, I looked around at those gambling.  Some looked so lonely.  My heart suddenly broke.  I realized that to some this could be an addiction, and some were here for the lively noise of the machines and the crowds that surrounded them, and for a moment I felt so bad.

But then I was once again awakened to reality when we realized this deli isn’t prepared to make take-out!  *laughs*  I guess that’s right!  People who eat here are in the midst of gambling, taking a break.  They obviously aren’t coming in to get food and carry out.  What was I thinking?  This just wasn’t going to be our solution! I wondered if Amy had any cereal at this point.

As we walked out, me realizing the fright I must look like, I began to look at others………….you know, none of them were dolled up either.  I felt so sad as I looked over the sea of people spending Christmas this way.  My mood from Christmas Eve the night before was what I know of Christmas.

As we drove away without any food once again, I thought about this big prophecy I read not too long ago.  That by the year 2011, America will be like a third-world country and the best Christmas we will give our family is food on the table.  Not that I always believe these prophecies as over time I have seen them come and go, but as I drove away from the casino, no food in hand and wondering what we were going to eat, this prophecy came to me.  Was I just getting a taste of what that could be like?  And what about people across the world who live like this every day?  Wondering where their next meal will come from.  It gave me a chilling feeling as well as a grateful feeling.  How blessed I am.

As we were driving back through another little city, heading back to Amy’s via a different route than we had come, we came across a Hardees that was open.  Our last chance I quickly pulled in!  A huge line here too, we waited without complaint. We bought everyone cheeseburgers and fries.  Did I ever think I’d be so grateful to find a Hardees?  *a normal ewwww*  We took back our bags of burgers/fries where we ate, and were very thankful for that of which we now had!

The rest of the night I spent on the couch, sleeping on and off as we all watched the 3-series of “Pirates of the Caribbean.”   Skylar and Bree both played with their toys. At one point I went upstairs with Skylar to play Barbies and “princess” with her new “Cinderella” vanity that lights up and talks back to you.  Skylar pretended to paint my nails, and add lip gloss, and all those things that makes a princess a princess.  It was a special time for me with her.  We had fun as our imaginations ran wild. 

And that was my Christmas.  One special note added to my 24 hour Christmas; Amy had on Christmas music while I was making the queso dip Christmas Eve.  “Merry Christmas Darling” came on.  For a moment I was teary-eyed as I remembered the past few Christmas’ Eves, hearing this song and singing to him.  This year I couldn’t bear to.  I made it through the song, just being grateful in my life I did find him and I wished him a Merry Christmas in a whisper.  Somewhere he was spending his first Christmas with his wife.  Sometimes, things are not always what they seem I convinced myself, not sure exactly what that meant, but all the same the only words that seemed to come to mind.

Yesterday found us running around, doing nothing.  Amy and Chad begged us to stay again last night, as Joel and Emma will be back to their house today, but I just wanted to come home and sleep in my own bed.  We didn’t get home till well after midnight……………………………….but I was in my own bed, and that’s all I wanted.  The lack of sleep the past several nights has left me with a horrible cold. It came on suddenly yesterday afternoon.  My throat is still so sore, and my chest congested.  But I won’t stop.  We have to go back to Amy and Chad’s today for more family time. 

And that leads me to this morning.  Do I write?  Don’t I write? After being chided and told it was stupid I do this, and after almost a week of praying and staying away to clarify my head, I decided I do need to write.  For now anyway. I love to tell my story, boring as it may be to many, to some, those that are so faithful to read here, my story I think effects them too.  They get it.  If I am the keeper of the stories I will share those stories with all of my heart.  And if in the end it isn’t what God wants me to do, He’ll let me know.  For now, I get this silent leading, it is okay. 

Oh, and did I mention my dream last night?  Very odd indeed!  It was about Soul Mate!  All these people were telling me not to give up!  There’s like this whole world of people cheering he and I on.  In the dream someone introduced me to his mom. In real life I know nothing of his mom, I don’t know if she is living or if she has passed on but in my dream she came and told me some amazing things.  She believed in me and told me not to give up.  When are dreams just dreams and when are they messages?  I guess that comes down to what you believe in faith. I think it was a message dream, and I will leave it at that.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Have a beautiful day.

Sunshine

Chris:  Wishing you a beautiful day too.  Very strange dream last night!  All sorts of questions asked, and all sorts of answers found.  I wish it was a bit more clear than what I can see in my mind this morning, but the fragments I remember I hold onto.  I know nothing of your mom, but in the dream she was a very down-to-earth person who cared a great deal for you.  Secrets given in the dream shall remain in my heart.  Dell and I talked about you again, and all it means to me.  His advice?  “Sunshine, if it is from the past you have to live life today.”  He might be right, and I’m trying, I swear I’m trying………………..but there is still this part of me that says we are so spiritually connected, it won’t be broken.  I just want to make sure it won’t be broken because I don’t want it broken…………………..but if you are you, here reading, then you don’t want it broken either.  And according to my dream of last night, there is great purpose in you here and me here.  And life goes on, apart, and yet in some sort of very special way, together too.  And I send you love and light and a promise I still pray for you.  Always praying for you.  Love, Sunshine

I know it's a couple days late, but this is the song I kept singing for Christmas...............