I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight but I’m just absolutely freezing cold.  I so want to go sit in the hot tub but it’s raining out there.  Remember the rules!  Rain is icky, snow is okay.  And supposedly we are somewhere in the middle of both so perhaps after I finish writing it’ll be okay to go climb in.

I had to work all day today, and the work turned into working 1.5 hours over.  A lot of that was talk time, along with work.  But these days I don’t need to explain how my boss and I can talk for hours.  Although today the subject of twin souls didn’t come up.  I think she’s feeling sorry for me or something, or afraid to bring it up.  There’s no reason to do that, as I am doing pretty good with it all.  But if she needs a break from the pain of her own story, well that’s okay too. 

She actually brought me a sample of this incredibly beautiful smelling perfume that is OH SO expensive! It was this little itty-bitty bottle that sprayed.  I put it on and all day felt so, “sexy!”  *laughs* It’s one of those smells that lingers with you all day and it just makes you feel, well………….kind of sexy or something.  The price of just a few ounces from what my boss tells me is unbelievable!  But I like it enough that perhaps after Christmas, if I have both rentals rented again, I will go splurge! This perfume and her thoughts to share with me was actually a highlight of my day!

My mood today wasn’t good or bad. It was one of those “doubting” days.  I don’t know if everyone has them like I do, but it was one of those days that I chide myself for being such a dreamer and believer in things not seen.  Surely this hasn’t been him here all this time?!!!  Perhaps it is some sort of defense I am putting up to help myself “move on?”  But I’m not sure about that either because even before he got married, and even when he was sending me signs, I still doubted any of this stuff that has happened to me was real, so I think it’s that balance I used to talk about all the time.  You fill up, to empty out. So is the doubting the filling up or the emptying out? Hmmmmm?  But as I sit to write tonight, as every night, the oddest thing happens. It’s like an energy overcomes me as I write and it feels as if all of truth is surrounding me and I feel him here with me! As I write!  When I sit to write I basically close my eyes and let my heart take over.  It’s in this place I feel more free than at any other time of my life. And in that freedom I know he’s here.  But now tomorrow!  When I am not in this place, this place of my heart, and I am walking in a store, or having lunch with Jane (it’s Thursday), I will let my head take over and try to be rational……….but the heart knows, doesn’t it? I read a sign the other day that said, “The best things in life can’t be seen, only felt, that’s why we close our eyes to make wishes, dream, kiss.”

Tomorrow is an “I’m off day.” I’m currently working on bills. A job I happen to find grueling anyway, but lately I’ve been SO hit by financial woes!  So it’s more grueling than normal as I sit here at my dining room table with receipts and statements piled all around me! *sighs*  I wanted to put my Christmas tree up tomorrow, but my energy level isn’t feeling right tonight to even think about it tomorrow so I will wait till Sunday.  I have several emails I need to respond to, thanks to so many special people who are checking in on me right now!  And then I HAVE to, HAVE to get the spare bedroom all spruced up because Elizabeth and perhaps “G” are coming in on Friday!  Yay!!! I am so excited to see them because it has been way TOO long! So once again, my life won’t be slow, but one rush of do this, and do that!  Why does it keep happening this way?

And I remain feeling really cold, even with the little space heater blowing on my feet. I think I need to remember what the doctor told me.  He told me he was shocked I wasn’t running fever with this infection thing I have going on.  Truth be told, I didn’t feel real great today, even tho I am on the way up I am sure since I’m on the medicine.  Perhaps this is why I don’t feel like myself tonight either as far as energy goes? 

I’m slowly adjusting to the idea that the journey is clearly in a new direction right now as I struggle to understand my role these days.  It’s requiring me to pray a lot.  Seek a lot.  Let go of whatever it is I had been holding onto, unbeknownst to me at the time, and to have a lot of faith.  But then when I think about it, I’m not just on any journey!  I’m on what God once told me I’d be on one day and that was a “journey of faith.”  Why would I expect anything less?

And now I think  I will check outside and try to head to the hot tub.  I just really need to submerge myself in the hot water and drift.  Drift to happy places and that place answers are so readily found. Well, if you’ll just believe anyway.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  Thank you for teaching me so many things in this life. For awakening me at the time you did and for being so darn difficult I had to find so many answers on how to survive the love!!! *laughs* But I did!  And in the “process” discovered so many things about me I would have never known.  Now it’s about trusting that you are where you are, and I am where I am because we are meant to be.  I don’t always understand the “meants” but I promise you, I am honoring the commitments we have both made.  I still wonder if I will ever see you again, or if it was a passing/fleeting sort of connection we made.  But I still remember so many things God has spoken to me about the journey and all that’s been revealed to me. From where I stand today I just don’t understand it all, but in my lack of understanding I happen to believe that what I’ve heard will one day be known to me. Until then………………….it’s so simple, I pray for you, that you find your way back to the light, and that you are happy.  So very happy in your life and on your journey.  I send you love and light.  And I still say one day we might both say, “Hey, it was SO worth it!”  Now I just have to figure out what the “IT” is.  *mystery is good*  Goodnight,  Love, Sunshine