Tonight finds me writing by the Christmas tree and a nice roaring fire, the mantel decorated in Santas and garland wrapped in red “poinsettia” Christmas lights. Gloria Estefan is playing in the background,  “I Want To See Christmas Through Your Eyes.”  After this song is over I’m going to switch the satellite back to meditation music after having the holiday station on most of the day, but I happen to love this song. But then I love Gloria Estefan.

I took a break from writing this weekend. I had so much to do anyway, but I’m really struggling right now with this whole journey and just don’t know how to write it out. I’m so unsure where to turn, what road to take. I can’t seem to go forward or it seems, because I just don’t know where I’m going, and yet, I can’t go back, and I look around and I’m trying so hard to figure out what is going on in my heart. Luckily, this weekend didn’t hold a lot of time to really think about it, but yet it did because in everything I do, it’s a haunting feeling underneath as I just wonder why.  So many whys.

Friday night was really nice.  Elizabeth came to town, as our friends from school all met us at Red Lobster for our annual “Christmas Celebration.”  Not to mention it’s Elizabeth’s birthday in just a few short weeks. But since this was the only time before Christmas she could make the 4-hour trip here, we celebrated early.

Of course they all want to know the particulars of the latest of my journey!  “How did you find this out?” They’d all been to his site and saw nothing to allude to the fact he was married. I’m sure they thought I was a bit nuts.  When I told them how I had found out, and it had been confirmed, they all just shook their heads.  “So everyone, vote on whether or not you believe he is “AOL?”  I suggested. LOL, they voted as I would,  “A part of me believes it is, most of me believes it is, but there is this little bit of me that just doesn’t see how it could be after all this time.  Why would he never let you know?” Was the way they all pretty much voted, and their comments.  So I tell them my reasons for believing it is he, some of the coincidences.  By the end of the night, their votes had changed to “Yes.  It is he.”  Of course we didn’t talk about this all night. We had so much other stuff to catch up on.  It was so nice, the whole evening, like a get- away.  Although in the silence of the place within I felt sad. My friends have been so good believing in this journey with me and suddenly I find myself questioning it all.  Have I really made this stuff up?  If only he could have let me know the past 2 years, like he used to let me know.

Elizabeth and I got home after 11:00.  “G” and Dell were sitting around having a beer watching our new plasma TV.  We joined in on a conversation of something when we all discovered “Wild Hogs” was on. This was like re-living an earlier memory as the 4 of us had gone to the theater to see it.  Elizabeth and I grabbed a glass of this wine I have come to love, and we all watched the movie. It wasn’t over till after 1:00am.  Both Dell and “G” went to bed, while Elizabeth and I stayed up to talk and just catch up.  It was after 2:00am before I could take no more and we headed to bed.

Saturday morning I had made a breakfast casserole, fruit salad, coffee cake so we sat around and talked over our breakfast.

Our conversations weren’t quite as light-hearted as they once were.  We talked about how nothing is the same these days for most people. I guess there are some that haven’t quite been affected by the economy and the scary things out there, but most of the people we know have been. I know I personally have really been affected by it, I mean my property never sold and the value kept dropping and dropping until I just couldn’t drop it anymore, then Dell got transferred back and it seemed all was one big circle of hopes and dreams that didn’t happen.  G’s” place of business in the manufacturing industry has now downsized and several have lost jobs,  Elizabeth could only find part-time work when she finally did get a job a year later,  some of our other friends we talked about have been slashed from jobs……….well as I said, it wasn’t the brightest of conversations.  Several people I know aren’t giving Christmas presents this year even, or if they are, they are cutting WAY back!  I know I am, I have too, I haven’t even had rentals since August!  Things aren’t the same as they were even a year ago, heck, make that a couple months ago!  So we shared the woes over our delicious breakfast of which we were all grateful to have.

They left early Saturday afternoon. I was sad. I always am when Elizabeth leaves. I never know when she’s coming back or when I’ll get to see her again. She really is the sister I never had.  I sometimes get teary-eyed as I realize how far away she is and there is a possibility they may move even further away in the future.  But I won’t think about that tonight. Life goes on, lived in seasons.  I know, I have another journey I am walking where it seems that season has come to an end.

I decided to go ahead and put the tree up as they drove down the lane. It was snowing and I thought getting ready for Christmas would lighten up my rather somber mood. I asked Dell to help me get the tree out and all the storage bins.  There was SO much junk piled in front of the closet in the garage I couldn’t get to my Christmas stuff!  All this stuff I packed up this summer so sure I was going to move, now sitting in boxes where a mouse had chewed through a couple.  Next thing I know, I go back out in the garage and Dell has all these boxes scattered throughout the garage and was cleaning and organizing it all.  Ugh!  Not what I had planned on a snowy afternoon where the temps were so cold!  So I threw on my fleece jacket and headed out to help him.  It was so cold, but we got an AWFUL lot done.

It was so sad. I had so much of my parents stuff just stored in these boxes. Stuff like my mom’s awards she received during her teaching career.  Boxes and boxes of their memories, stored away.  I have to simplify.  Trying to throw things away was one of the hardest things I have done.  I came across my mom’s glasses. The ones she wore when she died.  All these years later, (she died in 2001) I still can cry because I miss my mom so much.  Just coming upon her glasses brought back the reality that she is really gone.  Life just isn’t the same as it was, and yet I’m not sure what it is. The old die, the new are born, and in between I go from one person to the next, whomever that may be.  So I cried for a few moments, as I pondered what it’s all about.  Dell telling me he was so sorry.  He does know what I’ve been through the past 8 years.

By the time we were finished and the garage looking a whole lot better, headed to Goodwill to drop a lot of stuff off, grabbed a quick bite to eat, I was chilled to the bone and so tired.  I came home, Dell built me a fire, I collapsed in my lounge chair and slept on and off until I headed to bed where I slept all night.

Today, I decorated the house for Christmas now that we could get to my stuff. That’s an all day job, that’s for sure!  Even tho I shouldn’t have, I thought back to a year ago, 2 years ago, 3……..things are different this year.  I really am not complaining, and I tried to remind myself of this as I put up the tree, but for me, 2 of my biggest dreams this year came to an end.  And this was supposed to be my year of Jubilee! It’s true. I will be grateful for that which I have, which I will admit is a LOT!  But I really have suffered the loss of 2 dreams. Dream houses I had so hoped to buy, the sale of this property as I was so ready to move on, and now, the loss of my twin soul to another.  And here I am, where I was and where I began and I never got to go anywhere.  I was sure that since this was my year of Jubilee, the year I turned 50, which is the year God restores everything to you, that this would be the year dreams came true, but I have thus far only seen them crumble.  But then there is a whole world of people out there that have seen their dreams crumble this year as well!  I tell myself this, over and over, as well as I tell myself that when one door closes a window opens somewhere………so I am waiting for the window.  But in the meantime I will be grateful.  So very grateful for that of which I do have.

Now I have time to head to the hot tub, it’s crisp and very cold out there. I’ve been unable to get in the past few nights so I really am looking forward to my time submerged.  I think I’m afraid to dream these days, so rather than dream, I will simply focus on my blessings.  Since I really can’t see where the tomorrows are headed, I will be grateful for today. The here and the now, as I sit by a warm fire, looking at my enchanting Christmas tree of teddy bears and stockings, angels too.   No dreams, but a lot of thank yous all the same.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  I so wish I knew if you were here. I think it is, but how could I be sure?  You just never let me know. I’m sure there were reasons for that. I’m struggling too, trying to find the right words to say without interfering.  Perhaps I need to let go, but know, my letting go doesn’t mean you won’t be in my heart or I won’t be praying for you, because I will. I always will.  But you belong to another now, and I will honor it with all I have.  I try not to think about it. but things like thinking you two are putting your tree up, and decorating your house and she will spend her first Christmas with you as your wife, hard as I try those are tough feelings to face.  But I am, and I’m trying to realize you’ve lived these thoughts since we met so long ago…………if it is you here, and you are here because you feel the connection I do.  But if not, it doesn’t matter anyway, and this is simply my lessons I am meant to learn.  Love truly does bring me through………love and faith.  My faith in God. I know I am where I am meant to be, you are where you are meant to be, and I don’t know the reasons, but I don’t need to, I just need to have faith. I send you love and light.  Goodnight my far-away friend.  Love, Sunshine

As I was cleaning the garage yesterday I came across a box that had memories my parents had saved. In it I found an envelope with a letter I had written to Santa when I was very young. I touched the child within me once again............as I shared it with Dell, I showed him I had drawn a picture of a house. "I was wishing for my dream house back then even."  He just sort of smiled, but when I hear tonight's song, I realize how much I have to touch me back when I was 5 again.  Just to keep the faith in these trying times.  I hope you enjoy tonight's song.