None of us knows what tomorrow will bring, just as we don’t know what the next minute might bring as well.  And this is how my day started;  I am driving to work, almost there.  My cell phone rings, I look to see it is Dell.  “Where are you?” He asks in a rather ominous tone.  “I’m almost at work, why?”  “I just got a call from ADT, our security alarm is going off.”  “What?”  “I told them not to call the police, that you’d go home and check it out.  I can’t leave right now.”  My head was spinning. It’s almost 7:00am, I’m due to be at work, but worst than that I had just come down the lane that leads to our house and there was a car on it.  It had quickly turned into another lane that leads into the woods next to me with houses in it,  I found it rather strange as I left home and had even thought to myself the security alarm is set.  “Why did you cancel the police Dell?” I asked in a sort of ticked off way.  “I KNOW I locked all the doors!”  I knew what he was thinking, our front door is hard to latch sometimes, but I had double checked it, I was sure.  I also knew the dogs were in the garage and if our alarm was going off it was driving them crazy I was sure!  “I’ll go home, but I’m sort of nervous about it!  It’s pitch black and now I have to go make sure no one has broken in!” I was probably more upset that he had canceled the police.  Better safe than sorry were my thoughts.

So I turned around and headed home.  I called Jane, “Tell the boss what’s happening, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  Half way home Dell called back.  “The police are on the way. I started thinking about what you said and I think they need to check it out.”  I felt relieved.

Dell made me stay on the phone with him as I drove down the lane.  I shined my brights on the house, if someone was going to come out the front, I was going to see them!  By now I suddenly was more angry than I was afraid.  “The mood I’m in, someone better hope they haven’t broken into my house!  I’m about ready to go in there and…………..”  Dell interrupted, “Sunshine!  Think about it, they probably have a gun!”  Still, I wasn’t afraid, just annoyed my day was beginning here.

I see a car drive down the lane past my property to the house way past mine.  It was going slow.  “Now that is weird Dell?  I NEVER see ANY traffic on the lane at this time of day.”  So perhaps for a moment I did get a bit nervous, tho I was still in a haughty sort of mood.  The police were sure taking a long time!

Finally, the car came back.  This time he had a spotlight shining off his car.  It was the police. They had gone to the neighbors. I walk up to his car, he looks nervous,  “It’s okay, I live here.” I say to him.  First thing when he gets out of the car I am lectured on how we don’t have our address posted properly.  I feel bad it’s not one of my police friends, after all I know 80% of that department, having worked with so many of them at the school.  I get my lecture, I take it well. I promise to get signs posted. Although I wonder why he couldn’t find the address, after all the police have been here how many times?  When my dad died, when my friend Will committed suicide, the 911 call from someone that traced back here, when my house was broken into, yes, they have been here enough!

We head in.  The front door is ajar.  He tells me to wait in my car as he has his flashlight shining, ready to go in.  As I go to walk away he calls me back. He shows me there are no signs of forced entry.  He thinks at this point it’s okay for me to come in and check with him.  We walk through the house, it’s odd tho, the alarm is off. Neither of us can understand this unless ADT had remotely shut it off.  I open the garage door to check on the dogs.  They appear to be fine.  When I do, the alarm begins going off again. I hit the code. “Alarm cancelled.”  This is odd. 

The officer and I talk. I tell him how I was broken into a few years ago, the reason we have ADT.  I tell him how they took a gun, money, and that I suspected one of my renters had done it.  Weeks later I discovered my house key was missing.  I always believed this renter, whom I trusted so very much at the beginning, had cared for my dog when we were out of town one weekend. It had given him access to my garage.  I had left my car keys with a house key on it in my car.  (Yes, dummy me.) I always believed he took it and later broke into our house when we weren’t home. Because I never entered through my front door, something he once asked me about, it took weeks for me to discover the key was gone.  Now the officer is paying attention in a guarding sort of way,  “But you changed your locks, right?”  *sheepishly hangs head*  “No, I didn’t. We got ADT thinking that’d deter anyone.”  Guess who got lectured AGAIN!  “Don’t you know that he could just be waiting until the time is right to come back? Thieves will wait one, two, three years!  You need to get this done!”  And we looked around the house again.  Everything seemed in order. He told me he was going to make notes of this morning’s events as he was now a little bit more cautious than at the beginning when he noticed the door was not forced open.  I know he thought I was an accident waiting to happen!  Perhaps this was a warning of some sort to truly get the locks changed.  We concluded with the assumption I just didn’t get that front door latched correctly.  Perhaps that’s true, BUT I swear…………..

So now I am real late to work.  Sometimes things happen.  My mood wasn’t the best, but I was okay because it could have been worst.

I was so busy at work the day flew without me having 2^nd thoughts about anything.

When I was off tho the mind begins again.  Or is that the heart? Or is it the silent place from within always seeking answers?

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  Even tho it’s the holiday season, and Target was busier than normal, there is still this air all about that times are tough.  It was a feeling I had in the store as I looked at the faces of fellow shoppers.

I came home and moved slow. I’m not real sure what I did, perhaps I was just quiet.  Very quiet.  I talked with Amy for a long time as we talked about Christmas, Christmas Eve, what foods we would have, etc.  That took awhile.  I’m heading to the city tomorrow to do our annual, “Christmas Shopping Day.”  Amy will take the day off, I’ll meet her and we’ll shop for the grandkids, although I already have Bree and Drew’s big gift bought.  And we’ll lunch and talk and shop.  It’s a special day we’ve had for years doing this, although I don’t remember doing it last year? Dell is going to ride with me as he is going back to his store in the city for the day to make sure it is running smooth. It worked perfect for him, and for me.  The dogs will go to the groomers, a grooming place I took them to a year ago that  I love  how they treat them and groom them. So we will all have a day of it!

So how did today go as far as the emotional journey of it all?  I’m still trying very hard to let it be what it is and what it isn’t.  Tonight I had a VERY beautiful comment left me by a Joyce.  Someone who says she’s been reading my story on and off for awhile and came back to find out it had a sad ending.  You can read her comments by going here:  http://sunshinesmiles.bravejournal.com/entry/27080

I found her comments filled with wisdom and am taking them to heart.  I SO appreciate people who stop by and offer me a hand of wisdom on the journey.  What really sticks with me is how she has learned that people come and go in our lives sometimes to fill a void, either in our life, or in theirs.  Could it have been?  He needed it or I needed it?  Yes, I did need it!  For a very long time as my whole life changed I felt as if he was sent to give me the strength I needed during the time my mom was dying, then my dad.  My precious angel dog, Shelby.  My best friend moving away, my kids moving away, my new role as mother-in-law, then mee maw.  Through all the changes, I felt as if he was so near holding my hand, even if he was so far away!  We seemed to share my life, and he was there, watching from afar, but I could feel him near.  On tough days he’d hit the journal, knowing I’d know it was him, it became a way to let me know he was there, thinking of me. It gave me so much strength on some very dark days!  If it was really him, he still is watching, even with the new chapter of his life.  So Joyce is correct, he was my twin soul, sent to help me pass a very difficult time of my life.  But then I think she was correct in her next statement too;  I believe I held onto the dream so long perhaps I did lose myself.  Perhaps this was the lesson?  Or perhaps “he” held onto the dream so long he lost him too, and the loneliness became too much to bear; therefore, he needed someone in his life?  Perhaps he was unable to love before all the love and light I sent him all those years, and now, he can love again?  Perhaps this was the gift I gave him as he gave me the gift of strength?  Whatever it is, I feel ascertain that we did give one another so many things through space and distance, and we were a story that happened.  And yes, Joyce is correct, I need to let go now.  And I’m trying.  So desperately I am trying.  But I ask myself, if we give one another these gifts……perhaps we can share a very special something in one another’s lives from where we are?  Perhaps I made it a dream, and it was never meant to be a dream?  Perhaps it was meant to be what it is?  2 people from another place, another time to meet up here, on this journey and to share love from a distance, in a very unconventional way?  What if? 

At first I was very sad, but my lesson was to learn I had in fact put expectation on myself. On the dream;  On the outcomes.  Now, I let go.  For the first time I can hold him in my heart, realizing it really may never be, but somewhere out there, he is thinking of me anyway, and learning what I can give him, and I am here, knowing that we found one another one time and never forgot, even if we couldn’t share a life.  Perhaps we will meet back at the light, one day, somewhere?  Is that too simple?  Is that not letting go? Or is that letting go in faith? 

In the meantime this journey has caused me to have a whole lot of new respect and forgiveness for Dell and his family.  For most of my married life I held a lot of resentment towards Dell and his family because I NEVER wanted to get married and felt so forced into it way back when.  Perhaps this journey led me to forgive ME!  I remember about 2 years into this almost 8-year journey, God told me I wasn’t going anyplace until I learned to honor Dell for the person he was.  I remember saying that night, “I will Lord, I will!”  But God sees the heart. I had a LOT of growing to do!  Here I am, 5 years later and for the first time I can honestly say with all my heart I DO honor Dell for the unique and special person he is.  I am grateful for the things he has done for me through the years and I take note in how he has never failed to be here if I need him.  I was so busy being angry because this wasn’t where I wanted to be that I missed all that I should have been grateful for.  So yes, this journey has taught me forgiveness of not only others in my life, but me.

I could and will get into so many other things this journey has given me but at the risk of NOT having too long of a journal tonight, needing a good night sleep before my major shopping spree tomorrow, and wanting a moment in the hot tub, I will close with a lot of reflection of what this journey and my “soul mate” brought to me when God brought him into my life.  I am so grateful to Joyce for such an inspiring comment as to awaken within me a truth. “Joyce, thank you for sharing your heart’s truth with me, as I feel you are filled with great wisdom and have learned much on your own journey.  Thank you. I hope one day we can exchange emails as I would love to know about you and hear some of your stories from your own journey.”

And with that I will head to the hot tub for more silent reflection.  This journey just continually brings to me the most incredible people.  People I may have never crossed paths with had it not been for this journey.  I am so grateful to God for those things that are much more meaningful than we sometimes realize.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Chris:  Yes!  I am making progress!!!  And I’m not hurting as bad as I was because I am awakening to the beautiful things I’ve learned and been given since you came and awakened me. I will always believe we were meant to meet, we hold a special connection from another place and time, and that we don’t have to break any of the rules by just continuing to be a muse to the other.  Friends?  Of course!! I’m always here, but I think you know that now.  I send you love and light…………always bask in the love as it flows from above and is there when you close your eyes and look up.  Goodnight, Love, Sunshine