Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the dark.

How desperately I feel tonight I need fresh vision!  Am I depressed? Yes.  The day for the most part was good.  Mr. Boss announced yesterday when we left work we are now on summer hours.  That means 8-2, enough for me to do the happy dance!  Summer almost feels as if in full swing now. School is out, temps are close to 90, everything is in full bloom, and it’s my favorite time of year.  But I am still very depressed in the moment as I wait for fresh vision.

Elizabeth took off for Toledo late this afternoon. I pray for her that she finds a house she loves.  As she left, I was ranting and raving. Okay, not yet was I ranting and raving, but I was feeling really low.  I had just gotten the invitation to “girlfriend’s” wedding shower in the mail.  It’s scheduled next Friday.  How rude it that? To send an invitation only a week in advance?  But I am quickly learning when it comes to her, no rules apply.  And really, it’s not like I am Emily Post or anything!  “What do I do?”  I asked Elizabeth.  We tossed it all around, like waves on a roaring sea.  “Don’t ask me, these times are just too strange for me too.”  She’s about where I am in her own life.  Soon to move away. Living with me for just a short time until she can find herself a house. We laugh, for the most part, she is homeless at the moment!  Everything she owns is somewhere in Pittsburgh! And she’s moving to Toledo!  Yes, this has become a laughing something to both of us.  She’s right, I shouldn’t ask her.  For a brief moment I walked in the love and light, surrendering to it all.  Just go I thought to myself.  Be a witness of love.  I waved goodbye to Elizabeth as hubby and I took off on our own road trip to get Skylar for the night.  It is Friday night you know, which is Skylar night.

I was okay on the trip down.  Listening to hubby’s last day story as this was his last day at the store here in town.  He is now officially working in the city.  No gratitude of thanks from the local manager, of which basically hubby ran the store.  No party or small gathering.  It’s obvious that the place will fall apart before long as hubby truly did keep it all in line.  He admitted tonight he has a feeling that he’ll be back before long because no one here is going to run the place.  But those are his feelings and it is now time for him to move on.  Weird times for all of us.

Then it was dinner with Amy and Chad. Skylar too.  Dinner went well.  Amy had gotten an invitation as well.  That was the main topic of discussion.  I was mad when I thought about it because darn it!  That is MY time with Joel and Emma!  And DREW!!!  They will be here next week, and will stay with me Friday night and Saturday night. I had visions of taking them to my favorite Friday night feast when they were here.  But once again, girlfriend who has an uncanny way of scheduling everything to create havoc in our lives, wants to have a shower! On a Friday night!!! From 6:00 – 8:00!!! Now I haven’t read Emily Post but I will tell you, this is SO not right!!!! Amy and I talk about it.  “Do you think Emma got an invitation?” I asked? We wondered.  I remained half-hearted about it, until something was said about the wedding and I remembered how Amy would not be able to go.  “I guess she is having a lot of family members attend. It’s bigger than you think mom.”  Amy was telling me. Ut oh!  There is some raw nerve lying just under someplace within me that if it gets ripped open and exposed again, I become explosive!  LITERALLY!!!!  This comment by Amy did just that!  I’m like the incredible hulk or something.  Sweet, sweet, love and light me suddenly becomes this wretched ugly poor excuse of a dark being!  Here we sit, in the middle of this restaurant, in a small, VERY small town between the city and here.  Rage has now just been released within me as I think of going to this STUPID wedding where the bride has a gazillion family members, and we, being the groom’s family have hubby, me, Emma, and Joel, who will act as best man.  Rage has turned to self-pity now, which may be even uglier than rage itself!  I look at hubby, who is sitting across from me, Amy next to me, Chad next to hubby.  Hubby had just made a comment a few minutes earlier how he hoped for healing. *rolls eyes*  “Well, there is no way we will be able to have a family photo done!”  I said in a sarcastic way.  “Why not, we’ll just have one taken of the ones of us that are there.”  WHAT?!!!!  My mind, where rage is now rampant, cannot begin to fathom this man just said this!  Here sits Amy, next to me, who can’t go, it’s tearing her up, and he is going to go ahead and have a photo taken WITHOUT her and admit it here at the table!!!  That was it!!  Rage is now overtaken me, and it is HIM I am going to take it ALL out on! In this restaurant, in the middle of this small town, the rage is so great I could care LESS who hears what I am about to say to him!  “If you think I am going to have a family picture done, when my ONLY daughter has been shunned out of this whole wedding because she is going to have a baby a week earlier, you are NUTS!  There will be NO family picture do you hear me?!”  This was said in one of those demanding, don’t mess with me I mean business tones!  He said,  “So what?  Does it really matter?”  WHAT?  Does he NOT get the picture here!  And Amy is sitting next to me and all I can think is this has got to be hurting her!  “DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!”  I say so that the whole restaurant by now can hear this one statement as I am pointing my pointer finger at him with a look of rage that surely cannot come from anyplace but a place of darkness.  I don’t remember what his response was because Amy started in now. Only NOT at her dad, at ME!!!!!  “Mom, why do you have to be so mean about it?”  Excuse me?  Am I not defending her?  “Stop it mom!  Let it go!”  That was more than I could take.  Under all that rage was more tears. I got up, walked out of the restaurant, went to the car. got in and began to cry.  I’m not so sure it was because of the way things are turning out at the moment with Jason, but I think more it’s because I was so disappointed in me acting this way.  Where was the love and light?  Why can rage overtake this so quickly and why wasn’t I able to get over the rage no matter how hard I prayed? 

Eventually they all came to the car to apologize.  Still, the rage was prevalent.  I began to lash out more anger. Not at any of them, but at all that is being held in within me.  “If I go to this shower I for sure will make a scene because I will go off BIG TIME on her mom!”  Someone I blame for being SO inconsiderate to Jason’s side of the family.  And if I go to the wedding I will scratch out her dad’s eyes!  He is even worst than her divorced mom!  And underneath all the rage I wanted to touch the love and the light, but I couldn’t.  Why?

They all tried to get me calmed down.  “I really don’t care anymore!  I am leaving June 15 for the Outer Banks, and I’m not coming back till the middle of July. I need to get away from it all. I have to find what I am looking for!”  By now I am sobbing.  Pity has taken over the rage once again. “Mom!  What is wrong with you?”  Amy asked.  She was probably right to ask this as it probably appeared I was in need of medication or something.  “Amy, I have NO family!  You tell me of all these family members that she is going to have, and I have 3 family members!  My KIDS!!  And one’s the groom, the other is best man, and the OTHER, was left out, no consideration given to, which leave hubby, me, and Emma on the side of the groom!  They are taking away more than 1/3 of the only family I have and I am LIVID!”  More sobs.  “Ahhhh……..mom, it’s okay, I’m over it.”  Amy says trying to calm me down.  “But I’m NOT! I am SO, SO angry!  And I don’t like to feel this way!”  And more sobs.  Where was that person of love and light I so desperately try to connect with at all times?

We talked it out as best we could.  Chad, who feels SO much what I do about all of this was in total agreement with me.  He hugs me to tell me it will all work out.  Hubby, he’s still not agreeing with me, but that isn’t so unusual.  And Amy has given up.  Funny, we never did decide on whether we’d go to the shower next Friday or not.  I have sort of decided that I will see if Jason tries to contact me and come talk to his dad and I about this wedding, something he has avoided doing since March.  Amy decided to wait and see what happens tomorrow.  It’s Amy’s baby shower tomorrow.  Girlfriend was invited.  Will she show?  If she does will I be able to be nice and kind? 

On the ride home, Skylar fell asleep.  Hubby and I fought and bantered, and I finally said, “I HAVE to get away from here!  I just want to go to the ocean and find all the answers.  Problem is I have to figure out what the questions are.”  By now I am calmed down.  Thoughts of going away cheering me, and the rage now put back in a place until it boils over once again on this journey of lesson. 

Once home I played with Skylar for awhile.  We sat and swung on my porch swing until she got so tired she begged to go night, night.  I felt a bit stronger, only embarrassed for the way I reacted to it all. Still no answers of where I go from here.  A part of me SO desperately wants to just stroll into this shower in a sundress.  Filled with peace and love and light, nothing bothering me.  But I’m afraid, I’m just not that strong. 

Now, I sit on my bed in front of the fan.  Skylar asleep in her pack and play at the foot of the bed as I sip Strawberry Wine.  I feel so much more calm in the moment, as I half laugh at myself.  The other half embarrassed beyond words of the way I acted.  When I think about it, I think that hormones plays a part in this, as does lack of sleep.  I’m just not sleeping that well these days and I am staying up till 12:00 or 1:00 a.m. then getting up at 5:30.   It’s TOO much for me.  So I think this had a lot to do with it all too. I just don’t think I want to eat at this restaurant anytime soon! 

And I think God is letting me run ahead on this one. I apparently have SO much more growing to do!  And just when I think I have it all together, something comes along to stir the pot and expose those things still hidden deep within me.  I am embarrassed to admit all I have tonight in my journal, but I figure it is all part of the journey and I KNOW I am not the only one that has rage that is buried deep within.  Now that I know, I believe it is the beginning of God beginning to heal again.  And again.  And again.  I personally think mercy and grace are the most beautiful gift God gives us!  Well, next to love.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I am SO glad that you weren’t around tonight to see this!!!!  There are some that say you probably could feel it, all this rage I had, but until I can talk to you to know whether that is true or not, I just let it remain one of those questions to be asked.  Speaking of which, one time, I told you that when my mom was dying, it was like you were brought to me to help me through that time.  You shhhsssdd me as you said,  “Isn’t it funny how that works?”  You floored me in that moment!  It was like you were telling me you understood totally and you felt it too……you were very aware that what we share is very special.  Funny how I hold on to those magic moments with you!  I just have to ask…….are you sure you can’t just get on that white horse and ride up here and rescue me?  LOL!  I forgot, you don’t have a white horse…….do you?  Perhaps all of this has to be experienced because this is yet more things that need to be learned and cleansed as some sort of preparing for the day that we do what it is we’re supposed to do, which I believe is being light workers to a whole lot of hurting people!  But FIRST! I must get rid of my own rage.  And I will……….it’s just a process, huh?  I send you love and light, when I think of you, the peace returns.  And these words keep coming to me at night lately……and there is love.  Goodnight, Love, Sunshine