The things you so greatly fear letting go of are the things you need to let go of.

The past 48 hours have been the biggest changing times of my life. For me personally.  Have I ever suffered such great hurt as this?  And yet, on the other side of being ripped apart at the seams, I believe I am stronger.  At least tonight, I think I am ready to be re-created.  Redefining myself.  Facing the stuff within that isn’t so pleasant.  All I could think all weekend was,  “Why can’t I be the person I am when I write?”  I know this is the real me, but something happens in the everyday living to take away all those secrets buried within me.  Like a thief who comes to kill, steal, and destroy.

Parts were bittersweet of the past 48 hours.  Like Joel, Emma, Drew, and Skylar showing up at work before I left on Friday thus giving me the opportunity to show Drew off.  That was the beginning of the weekend. It was off to a positive start.  The little guy had changed and grown.  Skylar was Skylar.  Full of funny faces and giggles.  We left and headed for home, as I told Emma I had to head out to Sam’s Club to get all the groceries for the big family cook out the next day for hubby and his mom.

Emma, Drew, and Skylar went with me to do the shopping.  Thoughts and guilt of “girlfriend’s” bridal shower that night came and went, but I had made my decision I wasn’t going. PERIOD!  I got the things I needed and headed home.  Things were going fairly well considering I was having 30+ people over the next day and I had a 5-week old and 2-year old staying with me.  Heart torn to want to spend time with Drew, and yet feeling so unable to because I had Skylar into everything and thoughts of so many people coming the next day at 2:00.  And the shower haunted me.  But I wasn’t going to go. I had my reasons.

We took Joel and Emma to dinner, a special dinner, “Friday Feast.”  All you can eat prime rib and seafood.  Expensive but how often do we buy them dinner?  A nice time except we had a 2-year old with us and a 5-week old.  Not that I minded, but times in my life have changed and I’ve forgotten how messy a 2-year old can be, and loud.  Drew for the most part slept through it.

By now, the shower was over.  I was still upset a bit with the fact that “girlfriend” had invited Chad’s mom and sister, they had gone, and it had caused all sorts of additional drama to an already intense ready to blow situation.  Amy was dealing well with it, and I had to too.  “No more anger!”  It was what I kept telling myself, over and over.  I convinced myself I had not gone to the shower just because I had a HUGE party the next day that I had to get ready for and Joel and Emma had come home.  Besides, I had just gotten the invitation a week earlier, after all my plans were made.

Emma and Joel kept wanting me to hold Drew.  I wanted to, but I was so restless trying to chase Skylar with a 5-week old in my arms.  Added on was trying to get some things ready for the next day.  I almost wished I hadn’t planned the party I did, but I knew, hubby’s mom may never make it back again once she goes to live with hubby’s sister in Colorado.  Joel and Emma never make it home. It all seemed to fall into place somehow.  This way hubby’s mom would get to see Drew.  It was the right thing to do in the end.  And the shower haunted me, and Jason haunted me and the person I have become lately haunted me.  And the stress was in full-fledge panic now.

I didn’t have the energy to write Friday night. I couldn’t.  I was so exhausted by now. I headed to bed by 11:00.  I fell immediately to sleep with everything weighing so heavy on my mind.  At 1:30 a.m. Skylar woke up SCREAMING!  Apparently a nightmare that upset her so much, it took hubby and I 45 minutes to get her calmed down.  All I could think of was I have 40 people coming tomorrow. I am exhausted!  How am I going to do this? Tears stung my eyes. Finally, Skylar fell back to sleep.  Poor thing.

Saturday morning rolls around.  Now I feel guilty that I didn’t go to the shower when I thought about it.  I was beating myself up for the person I’ve become once again.  And I’m so not a baby person.  Once Drew is 6 months, I will be SO much better, but a newborn is just not something I am good with nor enjoy all that much. It just makes me too nervous. Oh, I love this little guy with all my heart, but I get so nervous.  As I said, I’m not a baby person, and now, I am beating myself up as a mah maw because here he comes to visit and all I can do is focus on getting everything ready for the 40 people coming in about 4 hours!  Heat torn!  Yet, I know I am not gifted in the baby handling department, just yet.  And I feel guilty about it.  I look at who I am or am not and I wonder why I am this way?  I was this way with Skylar too. Up until she started recognizing me. Then I suddenly had this incredible bond. I remember Amy laughing at me because I was SO nervous around her the first 4 months!  And change a diaper?!  NO WAY! 

After we all got dressed Saturday morning, Emma and I ran to my favorite country craft store to get some lights for me, then we had to go to Target for some last minute things.  Amy called on the way.  A huge fight had ensued between her and Chad for some reason unbeknownst to me.  She was so upset.  It was all Jason’s fault.  “Mom, if it doesn’t get fixed, I’m not coming around my family anymore!!”  She said through tears. My heart sank.  More drama!  I fought the tears.  “No more anger.”  I told her.  She agreed.  “It’s okay Amy, you may not have to worry about it, because I will probably end up moving south anyway.”  I said as my mind raced to think that perhaps this was my clue it was time to truly leave the area and let my kids have their own life.  I listened to her, heart breaking in a million pieces.  The movie “Stella” came to mind.  The one with Bette Midler.  Where she was a mom that was holding her daughter back, so she sent her to be raised by her Dr. dad.  She did it out of love.  I thought to myself as I was chasing Skylar through the craft store, I must do that. I must set Amy free from me.  And Jason.  All these thoughts as I ran through this craft store trying to catch Skylar! She was running around not paying any attention to me knowing I was on the phone. Finally I told Amy I’d call he back, I picked Skylar up, and we left, Emma following.  When we got in the car I broke down crying. Poor Emma.  She had to put up with all the drama.  She never gets home, this was Drew’s FIRST trip home, and all they get is drama.  She was patient as I sobbed.  All I could think was this may be the last weekend I have Skylar.  But if it has to be that way to make Amy’s life easier, I’ll do it. I chastised myself for the person I am.  Why didn’t I let go a lot earlier?

In Target, once Skylar was in the shopping car, I called Amy back and tried once again to explain the “no more anger” promise I was making to myself.  She was coming to the party when she got off work.  We thought Jason might, but were unsure.  She seemed calmed down.

I came home, busted my tail to make everything perfect.  Didn’t matter what was going on the inside, the outside was going to look Martha Stewart perfect.  Remember, that was with trying to get Skylar bathed and ready too.  Later in the day after everyone arrived I realized I totally forgot to change!  I had full intentions of putting on a nice pair of shorts and shirt.  But by the time I got the food cooked, Skylar bathed and in her new outfit, tables outside set up, and everything organized people started coming and my jean shorts, sports bra, and LA tank shirt remained.  Approximately 25 ended coming. As is normal, you have some in the end that don’t show up.  Jason was one of those.  Until later anyway.

It was a nice party.  My mother-in-law was the center of attention, as was Joel and Emma who seldom, if ever see this side of the family.  Emma didn’t know some of the names, which is sad.  The food was wonderful.  The kids, which there were a BUNCH, went fishing or took turns riding the 4-wheeler.  Everyone sat around for a long time.  Something that is unusual in this family. Normally they leave fairly soon.  Guess there was enough to do around here for fun.

Amy came to me as the party began to break up and said, “Jason is on his way.”  I got nervous. I mean I hadn’t seen him since March.  When he arrived he was cool to me.  He was nice to his brother, held Drew, hugged his grandma.  Eye contact with me was minimal.  He didn’t really want any food.  I felt bad. I tried to be nice, but it was clear the distance was between us.  “Girlfriend” was flying to another state for her grandma’s funeral.  The one she hasn’t spoken to in 8 years.  This left Jason alone for a few days.  He was bummed.  Did I understand this?

After everyone left, Amy, Chad and Skylar included, Jason came in and said he had to go.  “WHAT?!”  “Excuse me, we haven’t even talked about this wedding deal!”  That began the fight. The screaming. The arguing. All the rage held within the past 4 months.  I really thought I had lost my son.  I had way too much rage within me. Joel, who is trained in counseling was in between his brother and I, and hubby.  Sometimes miracles come in ways we can’t see. Joel being here at the moment falls under that category. When all was said and done, I finally realized what was bothering me SO bad about this wedding!  It wasn’t that he was marrying her, it was an old wound that had never been healed!  A year ago, “girlfriend” and Amy got in a huge fight.  Girlfriend became SO horrible to Amy, it was the reason I went off on her at Christmas time.  They set the wedding date a 1000 miles from here at a time Amy can’t physically go!  This is what is bothering me SO much about all of this! I believe “girlfriend” did this on purpose!! To put one more dig in on Amy.  Joel tried to figure out what the happy medium would be?  “CHANGE THE DATE!”  I tell Jason!  “It’ can’t be done!”  He tells me back.  “Why not?”  “Because the honeymoon has already been paid for.”  “WHAT!?!!”  OMG!  I went ballistic over this!!  All love and light gone now, I am a screaming, raging woman that I don’t think too many people would want to know!  “You mean to tell me that a one-week vacation to paradise is more important than your sister who has been such a support to you all your life?!”  He didn’t have an answer for that.  “Well, I hope you have one heck of a time on this trip!”  Guilt?  Yeah, okay, but remember, I myself don’t like who I am at this point either. 

We didn’t part friends.  He left, I walked away or however it happened it wasn’t pleasant.  Joel walked out with his brother, and I went to cleaning up after the party.  I’ve had NO down time lately.  And there would be no down time last night either.  I wanted to run. I wanted to pack my bags and go to wherever it is you go when you run away.  “No more anger!”  How many times did I say this to Jason and how many times did I not follow through?

Joel comes in.  It was my turn to hear the truth. I am wrong. About a lot of things I am wrong he was telling me.  So many things said but everything I don’t like about me, myself, Joel was pointing out.  By now I’m defeated, so it didn’t matter what he was telling me. He was right. I went to the kitchen and poured myself some Strawberry Wine.”  And I came out to hear more criticism of myself.  Emma sat there just listening.  Thank heavens for Emma because in this moment I knew that Emma understood where I have been coming from. I felt a silent friend in her.  I’m really not so evil I think to myself.  Either that or Emma is just such a good person she puts up with me!  And Joel continued.  “Mom, you have to let go of the things you fear letting go of.”  He went on.  In the moment, it didn’t matter.  Everything he was saying is what I was feeling.  “I just want to be the person I am when I write.”  I kept saying to myself. See, my family doesn’t know this person. This one filled with passion, and hope!  Sunshine!  The one no one ever sees because Sunshine is someone that is all I ever hoped to be in life, but responsibility and guilt and condemnation doesn’t allow me to be.  Was it something my mom did or said to make me feel like to be a free spirit isn’t acceptable behavior?  Or was it time and mistakes by marrying so young and having kids so young make me who I am in that life, and yet Sunshine lies within me just waiting to be free?  As I sipped my wine, and listened to Joel so gently tell me of my failures, I was ready to give up.  Let go. Yes, I will let go.  Will Sunshine set me free? For a fleeting moment I wondered?

When I awoke this morning, first thing Joel came out, handed me Drew and said, “For the next hour you are holding him.”  Not that I minded, but I felt as if I was failing on the mah maw thing too. I sat there and held him. Watching his perfect little face sleep, well until he began to cry because he was hungry.  I felt so bad as mah maw.  Here he was, his first trip home and I was so covered with drama…………..once again, I failed.  I just felt defeated by the time they drove away.

I did heed Joel’s advice tho.  I talked to hubby.  He will try to re-arrange his vacation time to go to Jason’s wedding.  I called Jason and left a message,  “I’m sorry for everything.  I’ve made some horrible mistakes lately.  I didn’t think you cared, but now I know you do.  Dad is trying to change his vacation to the week you get married.  We will be there.  Yes, I will be there with a smile.  If you need anything, you just need to let me know.  I love you and I’m sorry.”  He always tells me he doesn’t get my messages.  I don’t know if he did or not, he never called back.  That’s okay.  I’m not going to be angry anymore.  He says he loves her so much it hurts.  I understand Jason.  I never did until 6 years ago, but now I do. 

So I let go of my kids now. I think. Because I love them enough to set them free to walk their own journeys. At least since last night to hear of so many failures in my life, I think it’s almost as freeing for me as it will be for my kids.  I never wanted to be this way, I swear. 

Now where?  I almost stopped writing all together because Joel knows I do internet work with people.  He calls it silly and makes fun of it in a way.  As if it had no significance.  *Ouch* That hurt too, because I don’t believe he has ANY idea who Sunshine is.  I wish they could all meet Sunshine.  Would they feel any different?

And then I think of the letting go.  I fear letting go of this place, this journal, my writings.  It’s the only place I feel that connection with “him,” my soul mate.  Do I need to let go of that?   Do I need to let go of him?  I mean come on, I don’t even really know it is him here.  There has been some really strong evidence to believe so, but in the end, no proof.  Just my heart.  Just my spirit.  And whoever this special person is that I dance with *note to AOL, you know who you are, and I do too, as you have been here with me since the beginning* I need that dance.  Call it some sort of fantasy I guess. Or maybe it’s destiny?  Or maybe it’s something that can’t be explained, but it is the one thing I believe so much in.  For a reason still unknown.

And I want to be the person I am when I write.  A person that hurts and is so honest about her hurts.  A person that is gentle and when all else fails, she turns to God.  She believes in love, this person who writes.  She believes in eternal love, and being free, and night skies and full moons.  A quiet nature that just observes life.  She loves God and finds God when she writes, and believes He sits with her and shares great secrets to pass on to those He has brought to read the words.  She believes God uses her hands and her heart.  I want to be that person…..but I have failed.   Being K.., is just K.. I don’t want to be that anymore. I want to be Sunshine.  Because I believe God opened up my heart to the Sunshine within.  I just don’t know how to be Sunshine in the everyday living.  Perhaps something I said today that Amy replied to make sense, “Well, at least you know it mom. That is the beginning of becoming what you want to be.”  So perhaps Sunshine will begin to take over more and more everyday.  Or is it that perhaps Sunshine is being saved for what is to come in life and what K.. faces today is that bridge on the way to where it is Sunshine is going?  I just don’t want to be angry anymore and I pray that God is able to salvage the mess I’ve made of things.  I really do surrender all of this to Him tonight.  Finally? I hope.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight-

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  I have checked myself over and over this weekend. Do I need to let go now?  Is it time to let go of all my heart believes in?  Is the story ended?  It’s been so long since I’ve heard from you or seen you.  I have a heart that believes in the unbelievable, but at the same time the everyday living is so draining.  Do I hold onto you as some fantasy?  As something that isn’t real?  An escape of sorts. I fear letting you go…….because I waited all of my life to find that one I always knew.  Somewhere out there with all my heart I believe you are so near in spirit.  A connection that is so real.  No, I have to be here for you. You have to be here for me.  It’s written in the stars or something, or maybe it is God’s gift to you and to me.  I don’t know, I only know that if my heart reaches your heart and makes you believe in it too, then how could either of us let it go?  We’re not hurting anyone.  Perhaps it adds so much love to both of our worlds that those around us feel it too.  I believe in the miracle of you.  I guess I don’t fear losing it because in the end I know this……….it hasn’t gone away through the ages, it isn’t going to go away now either.  It is what it is…………and it takes a lot of faith to know what your heart tells you.  No, no fear in letting go, just a lot of love and light surrounding you and me.  And in all the darkness, and forgiveness going on in my life, I feel the love and light when I think of you.  I send it to you now too.  Even tho I haven’t been here the past few days, please know, you were always on my mind and in my heart.  Goodnight- Love, Sunshine

Sunshine breaks through all the darkness........