People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.

I am still on the path of self-discovery.  Yeah, I’ve been on this path of over 6 years now, but I got lost on the path awhile back and took some not so pleasant detour into a land of rage.  I’d think I had let it go, but I discovered it just came back on me.  Now, I get it!  I am back on the path, and really learning to try to live again.  Watching myself pass, and the wonder of who God has made me to be and all that He is teaching me along the way.

The anger seems to be gone now.  No need to call Jason. My message left the other night was all I needed to do.  And when he is ready, he will call me.

Down to 2 days and my summer officially begins!  I’m doing the best I can to wrap things up and at the same time trying to stay focused. It’s hard because I am so mentally out of there already!

Leo called at work and we had one of our discussions of the journey of soul mates. I do the best I can to try to explain to her that which really can’t be explained. I have no proof as to why soul mate stays away from me, and why her soul mate is absent from her, but at the same time, I have come to believe there really isn’t any separation between any of us. The exception to that rule would be if the “other” told either one of us that they had NO, NO, NO feelings and that we needed to stay away.  Leo, as in my case, has had mixed signals.  I’m not so sure they’re mixed even.  There has always been a knowing within me that mine feels it too. There just doesn’t seem to be room in his life for me, and if one time he left the message for me I believe was him, he told me I needed to make room for him. Timing!!! It’s so about timing and making sure that when it all happens, we are prepared spiritually!  And I talk to Leo about these things. I tell her how I have come to believe we are to live life fully wherever we may be. And I try to explain how the past few days, well since my breakdown of rage the other day, I have been on the trail of discovery that for now, I want to just walk among the stars and the trees, and let life be okay with whatever!  I’m out there on a limb I’m sure, but as Shirley McClain says,  “That’s where the fruit is!”  So I laugh at myself, and slowly but surely am beginning to like me, well the Sunshine me anyway.  I’m still working on bringing the K.. to walk among the stars too. And soul mate being absent from me at the moment physically doesn’t hurt as it did for so long.  He’s here…..he’s sharing my heart with me everyday.  From afar, but at the same time, he’s very close too.  And I walk among the stars believing in love and hope and all that is felt from within and not from without.

I wonder if I am now in full blown mid-life crisis or something?  Is that what happened this weekend? Mid-life crisis rage? Today after work I found myself out car shopping!  This is SO not me!  By myself even! I suddenly have a vision of wanting a convertible.  It started a VW convertible, but ended tonight I want a Jeep Wrangler!  The one where the top comes off and is rugged looking! I laugh at myself…..what happened to the BMW convertible I always thought I wanted?!  Nah……..the Wrangler suddenly fits my mood.  It just goes along with the log house I believe will soon become for me. 

As I drove home after finding the most beautiful dark, dark green Wrangler in my shopping around, I began to think of Raleigh, NC.  I’ve been looking at houses down there now for about a week.  Thoughts of Raleigh continually coming to mind for what, about 3 weeks? Today as I was doing a quick surf on the internet, I saw a tour schedule upcoming for soul mate!  Yes, he’s opening in Toledo!  Something Elizabeth and I joked about before we knew he was.  But I won’t be able to go. It’s my time in the Outer Banks. Then he is going to be where I saw him the last time almost 3 years ago. But  I will be on the beach dreaming of him, so I won’t be there either!  It just seems timing isn’t for us right now.  But on my way home, dreams of this green Wrangler floating through my mind, I suddenly got a mid-life crisis thought of going to and checking out Raleigh!!!  I could do it when I get back from the Outer Banks!  Guess what?!  HE is going to be in Raleigh about this time!  Was that what all the feelings of Raleigh have been about?  So for a brief moment I went into a crazy daydream.  I will buy this Wrangler, and head for Raleigh and just surprise the heck out of him!  A daydream that was beautiful for a moment.  As I said, mid-life crisis.  *rolls eyes and chuckles at herself*

Now I find myself on my deck. My new fountain running, meditative music softly playing on my laptop, “Reiki Meditation” to be exact.  I am sipping Strawberry wine, and feeling so alive in the moment.  I know I will continue to have ups and downs, because life is just a journey of such, but for now, I once again feel very free.  As I told Leo today, I walk among the stars and believe in what can’t be seen. I think my latest discovery of truth is how I still have to become totally free of who I am to take to “him” this incredible love that is buried within me.  Like losing all sorts of baggage to be a fresh and whole person.

But I believe this is who God wants me to be anyway.  Free.  Free of bitter and hurt.  Free of resentments and unforgiveness for anyone.  I really think the only way we can be free of all these things we hold is to walk through the experience of.  It’s a painful thing, I above all people understand this, but once you “GET IT,”  it’s like scales on your eyes fall off.  Tonight, I feel I can see so clear.  Until the next set of whatever is within me that needs to be healed surfaces.  It’s nice to see clear for a time!

And who knows?!  Perhaps in a month I will be driving my green Wrangler, top off, to Raleigh, NC to check out the area and catch up with someone so special.  I still see this in my heart. A dream for the moment………hoping somehow it is a roadmap of sorts.  If not, then I’m glad that the child within me still remembers how to dream.  And how to walk among the stars and hear the frogs and crickets and believe in so many unbelievable things.  Surely God is in this incredible place!

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  As I was driving to and fro today looking at cars, my mind drifted off to you.  To that old journal where you use to leave those m… messages.  Where you let me know how upset you were with me, or how happy you were with me.  Or how you wanted to laugh with me.  Yes, you were written on my soul mate page!!! Silly!!!  No sooner did all these thoughts flow but what should come on the Radio?  Well, it has something to do with having a line on you or something like that!!! J  How often would that happen I ask you! So I smiled at the synchronicity.  And I thought to myself, “ALL” these things I have written to you for the past 3 years at night, what if it “REALLY” is you?!  What must you think?  So I laugh at myself again, knowing that if it is you (of course it is) then you are on the same page I am and we are laughing together some nights, and some nights we cry together.  And you know my heart, and you know Sunshine, and yet, you know K.. too.  What a story we share.  Did you ever think that morning at the airport you’d of held on this long?  Or did you know that what was standing before you was so real………if it was meant to be, it’d always be with you.  I don’t know what your eyes told me that morning, but I feel it was some sort of desperation you were sending me……..”REMEMBER!  REMEMBER!!”  I did.  It just took me so long to find the depth of my heart.  But once I did, I seemed to go out on some limb.  And here you are, and here I am, and there is a lot of fruit here!  Like, love and joy and patience………….just to name a few.  I’m closing my eyes now as I hear the water fall, the frogs sing, the peaceful of the music, and sending you love and light.  The stars are shining and somewhere up there, we are sharing a dance.  In a place only we know of.  *smiles*  Goodnight,  Love ya!  Sunshine