Everything comes gradually and at it’s appointed hour

It was my first official day of summer.  I didn’t make journaling last night because life once again found me just so busy.  I didn’t even get home till almost 10:00, once again. I was just exhausted. I couldn’t have stayed awake long enough to write even if I wanted to.  Plus, let’s face it, it was a very emotional day for me too.  The day Elizabeth left town once and for all.  Okay, so she is coming back on Wednesday to spend the night before flying out on vacation, but yesterday was like the end of the road we have known for 10 years. She no longer lives in my town.  She cried. I was strong, well, until she got in the car.  Then I yelled at her, “Darn it! Stop it!! I promised you I wouldn’t cry and I’m not going to!”  She hugged me, sobbing.  I told them to be safe, “G” was in his own car. I turned and came into the house.  And I thought about how life is nothing but constant change. And for a moment I felt sorry for myself. Why do I always lose the people I love? They always go away.  Is it to teach me to be stronger I wonder? Or is it to teach me that out there is a place I belong and I really need to not feel so comfortable in this place I am?

The day at school was nice.  My fav boss, who was Elizabeth’s main boss took us all to lunch.  Mr. Boss went, as did another.  Elizabeth, Donna, Linn, and another gal that works in a different office went too. A time of laughter, of course me being the blunt of jokes as they bring up the fact I so adamantly believe our building is haunted.  We all laughed and joked, and tried to forget that the reason we were all here was because it was Elizabeth’s last day.  She cried when her boss told her goodbye.  No hugs.  She didn’t want him to see her tears.  10 years we have walked out together of that school. Yesterday was to be the last.  But I couldn’t think that way! I couldn’t!!!!  It was just summer break. It’s the only thing that kept me strong.

As all those thoughts in my mind were being pondered, knowing Elizabeth was now gone, my cell phone rang.  It was a guy on the phone interested in looking at my rental house.  He was SO excited!  “When can we see it?”  He asked. I’m cautious about going into the house without hubby home, especially with a man. I guess I think it’s just wisdom to ere on the side of caution in today’s world.  But they were sitting in the driveway when they called me.  “What the heck!” I decided. I called hubby to tell him what I was doing in case something happened and went out to meet them. Immediately my fears were calmed when I saw them.  Just 2 young guys.  Best friends, looking for a place. One had on a company shirt of an office supply place of which I have done business for years.  They were mid 20s. Good ole’ boys I guess is the best way to describe them.  When I took them into the house and they looked at the pond out the living room window, “Does that go with it?”  They asked.  “Yeah, you’re welcome to fish anytime.”  “Can we pay our deposit now?” One of them asked.  “Whoa, whoa!”  I had to explain to them that they may have to move in a month, or 2 months.  The place is for sale! If someone wants to see it, you will have 24 hours notice to show a prospective buyer.  They didn’t care.  Even spending a summer here with the pond was fine with them.  Besides, as one of them said, maybe one of the new owners will still rent to us.  I like positive thinking as this.  I gave them an application, YES, I was GOING to check references this time, even tho I felt really good about them.  I told them to come back at 5:30.  They did, with one of them bringing his mom.  When I walked over to the rental to meet them, mom was standing on the back deck.  “Hi K..”  she said.  I felt bad! She didn’t even look familiar to me!  “You don’t remember me, do you?”  Isn’t that just the worst?!  “OH help me! You look so familiar!! *fingers crossed*  “I’m Patty xxxxxx!  We went to school together!!! OMG!!!! “Patty!”  I went and hugged her. It began to come back to me by now.  And we talked and talked. I hadn’t seen her since high school.  And we reminisced and talked about where everyone is right now.  She made promises to me that her son would take care of the place. Now what do you do? I wondered?  Ugh!  I ended up making an appointment with them for today. To pay the deposit, with one wanting to move in this weekend.  Okay, that will be $XXX for rent.  NO problem!  As they left, Patty and I will still talking about life and where it has and hasn’t taken us. I asked her if she still felt about 25.  Yeah!  And I laughed when her cell phone rang and Journey was playing!  “I have Journey on my cell phone too!”  And we giggled like we were teenagers again.  Had time really passed?!  “I’m thinking of putting together a mini reunion!”  She tells me.  “Would you be interested?”  Of course I would!

Then it was off to do errands.  My plates expired today on our vehicles. That had to be taken care of.  Hubby has decided he wants to buy a Jeep Liberty now.  A beautiful vehicle he assures me. So we go to look.  As I was standing there dreading the car sales man thing, I hear someone come up behind me,  “K..?”  “Is that you?!”  I turned.  It was Dennis. Yet someone else I went to school with and graduated with.  This was beginning to feel like a high school reunion by now!  Guess there is something to be said about living in your hometown sometimes.  So he gives us the sales pitch on the vehicle……..yada, yada, yada.  Please, just get me down to basic figures.  As hubby is looking and ohhhhing and ahhhing,  I whisper to Dennis,  “I’m in mid-life crisis. I really want a Wrangler!”  He laughs at me.  “Come mere”  And he walks me to the most beautiful silver 2-tone extended Wrangler as we leave hubby behind still ohhhing and ahhhing.  Dennis gives me all the ins and outs on the Wrangler. The pluses, the negatives.  When it comes down to it I know its’ not practical. I’d never be able to get that canvas top on and off.  They’re wonderful to drive, and fun, but not real practical.  Let’s face it, I am NOT a mechanical person in anyway shape or form!  I’d be in trouble if for some reason I’d be on my own one day and owned this vehicle. So I dreamt one more time of what it’d be like to buy it, take the top off and drive to where “he” is.  You know, the one that I call soul mate.  Showing up in my Wrangler! Hair blowing in the wind, free, well all those things that dreams are made of.  As I bring myself out of my dream I confesse to Dennis, “Nah, I can’t do it.”  He smiled and said, “I think you’d be sorry too.”  And we walked back to the Jeep Liberty where hubby was still all warm and fuzzy at the thought of purchasing this vehicle.  I listened to Dennis doing his thing trying to sell hubby, as I was feeling a bit melancholy having just came back from a moment of a dream in a Wrangler picking up soul mate.

When I got home, I was SO exhausted.  No writing! I’d miss the dance with “him” I thought to myself, but I knew somewhere he’d understand. And I fell into bed and asleep before my head hit the pillow.  Did I dream? Yeah, but for the life of me I can’t remember.

When I woke up late this morning, well, 7:30 a.m. I was ready to begin the day.  I took the dogs and we walked.  My goal this summer, 2 workouts a day, beginning with a 30-45 minute walk early mornings.  It’s good for the dogs and great for me. Then I had a ton of things to do in the house. Then I went to my pool and floated for a few hours. Then I came in and still felt quiet and the need to meditate.  It’s the first day I have had in how long that there has been NO ONE around?!  It was awesome!! Awesome!!! I got a lot of God time in, and I found myself floating off to thoughts of him…..the one so far away.

Now I sit on my deck, waiting for hubby to come. He is bringing Skylar home with him for the night.  We will go look at the Jeep Liberty again, and whatever else needs to be done tonight.  My quiet time alone now given way to a two-year old that demands lots of my attention. But it’s okay.  I got a lot of time today to think and mediate.

I never left the house but they tell me the, “For Sale” sign is officially up now.  Okay, so let the calls begin!  I keep seeing the log house and seeing in my mind different things I will do with it.  But everything has it’s hour. I simply wait for it to be my turn.

I talked a lot to God today in my silent time. Sometimes I wonder if someone came in and watched me if they’d think I was nuts? I talk as if He is in the room with me or something.  But I believe He is.  It’s when He talks back I think most wonder about. But that’s okay too……….when He speaks, I listen!  No great earth-shattering secrets given me today, just a gentle presence. I like gentle.

I did do some checks on my new renters. And wouldn’t you know!  One of them, not my high school friend’s son, had an eviction in April.  This weighed heavy on my mind.  I’m SUCH a sucker I swear!  Do I, don’t I rent it?  I just tried to balance it all out. Finally, I decided to talk to him about it when they came to get the keys at 5:30.  He had been laid off he told me, and unemployment hadn’t kicked in. But he was paying the money he owed the guy.  I made him promise me he’d NOT make me take him to court!  If he didn’t have the money to just move. He promised me he would.  In the end I am once again taking a risk, but darn it!  Doesn’t everyone deserve a 2^nd chance?  Besides, he has recently gone through a divorce and pays $200 per week in child support.  I followed my heart or a leading of love and understanding. Sucker? Probably.  At least he isn’t “shady” as the last one was. I’m a horrible Landlord, I’m telling you!  Love is more important to me than most things………..but if you screw me, I will rise up and take you to court and fight for what is right.

No calls from Jason or girlfriend after I sent my letter of apology.  You want to believe that they haven’t gotten it yet, but I think different.  It’s okay. I didn’t send it to get a phone call, I sent it because I had to do it for me.  No more rage or hurt in my life. This was how I had to settle it for me.

And life is going on……and I’m doing the best I can to walk in patience and hope.  Believing that there is an hour for everything.  Surely, one day all this that I feel within me will fall together and make sense?  Yeah, surely one day, I will know.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

From an early evening glow,

Goodnight,

Sunshine

Dear Soul Mate: Thoughts of you! Throughout the day, thoughts of you.  I weigh it out. Over and over I weigh it all out.  This happened or that happened, and I know he thinks I am special……but how special can I be when he won’t even talk to me?  So I tell myself that I have to get over this!  Like some sort of slap in the face, “LET IT GO!”  And I do.  For a time.  And before I know it, I feel you.  Like you’re standing right next to me, holding on too. It seems so crazy, but the Spirit will lead me to yet something else to believe that you are out there being patient and keeping your eyes on me.  Yes, this was the message today.  But what if it isn’t him watching?  My head would argue with my heart……..then he missed out on a lot of love sent his way, and it was never meant to fill his heart. It’s how I ended my reasoning.  For now, I know, I still have to reach out…….and you have to reach out in your own way.  And I feel you in those times I think you must need me.  And it’s a story. A story of a journey that one day will make so much sense.  Till then, I remain “just me” and you remain “just you” and through all the craziness of the story, there is love.  It makes me smile in the end as I close my eyes to feel you so near.  I hope all is well with you.  I send you love and light in this quiet evening as I hear birds sing and the fountain fall. Please talk to me.  When you are ready I just need you to talk to me.  When the hour comes……..you will.  And I will believe why I believed all along.  Love, Sunshine

My magical fountain........