To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all. But to believe in the unseen is both a triumph and blessing.

Yet another busy, non-stop day. I suppose it’s brought on by myself as I continue to make plans to go, go, go.  I don’t know how to stop it seems. It’s as if by running all the time I can run away from some real issues on my heart and in my soul. Only, even in the running those issues are never far and always on my mind.

Skylar was here all last night and today.  She is so close to 2 now. She’s constantly into something, as a normal 2 year old is, and is a constant chase for me.  I love her with all my heart, but my days when she is here are limited to only paying attention to whatever it is she is doing.

Perhaps that is why I suggested to hubby that we head to what was supposed to be a festival in a town about 40 miles from here.  Lately, I’m into festivals. I think Carol would say it’s because for the first time in my life I am allowing the “artist” within me to be.  I think she is right.  I looked forward to the artists you find at these festivals and the feeling I get when I am around people who create.  Besides, it would keep Skylar contained and busy, a goal in itself!  Hubby wasn’t too excited.  He’s on the road all the time right now, and I will admit close to just staying in the city now, feeling exhausted.  However, he agreed to go.  I did all the driving.

When we got to this little, teeny town, there was no festival to be found. I had heard the info on the radio when waking up one morning and didn’t really pay too much attention.  It turned out to be a Garden Walk and Artist showing type thing.  $15 per person to attend and there were no instructions of where it was being held! Even tho I was in the middle of town square?! I knew there was NO WAY Skylar was going to endure a bunch of gardens, never-the-less seeing paintings of local artists. I nixed the idea before exploring too much on where it was.  By this time Amy had called and asked if they could celebrate “Father’s Day” today, so that tomorrow they could spend it with Chad’s dad.  No problem.  Hubby is a home body for the most part anyway.  One trip out this weekend was enough for him.  I ended up driving from this small town, where we did the antique store thing, to the city to pick up Amy and Chad, and head to the southern part of the state to hubby’s favorite antique store, and the state park nearby.  Since I was driving, hubby was sentenced to the very back of the Navigator, with Chad and Skylar riding in the back.  Amy and I got up front. A nice time for us to talk.

This was how the day was spent.  I’m not into antiques. A little goes a LONG way for me!  I ended up sitting most of the time with Skylar trying to keep her busy. Or else chasing her through the store, thus getting one heck of a work out as this child is fast as lightning these days!!

The state park was as always beautiful.  Nature filled.  A place I could go and sit for hours with my camera as I look around and feel eternity around me.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of time for that today.  I really think one day I need to do this by myself. Just drive to this park and spend a day alone. *note to self, just do it*

I ended up buying dinner for hubby and Chad at the state park in honor of Father’s Day. (Amy got in on the deal too.) An all-you-can-eat Prime Rib buffet.  The food was wonderful, except they kept running out of food AND plates.  It was awful!  I never complain!! But when I went to pay the bill I suggested I should receive some sort of discount. (I did it in a nice way, I’ve lost all the rage these days.)  The girl didn’t say a thing, she simply took 50% off the ticket.  Nice!  It did make up for the unprepared chefs and dishwashers!

Dinner was a time for me tho to face what it is I am running from.  Not that I’m running, because I’m really not, but what I try to run from thinking about as I try so hard to live life fully where I am.  But suddenly, “he” was with me. FULL FORCE!  Thoughts of him filling my mind as I looked out the window of this awesome lodge to see flowers and trees.  A singer/guitar performing dinner music now began playing the song, “Things We Said Today” originally by the Beatles.  Him!  Him!! Where is he?!!  All those feelings gently tucked away in my heart roaring forth like a damn that has some sort of relief valve to let out water that is filling so quickly it must allow the water to be released somehow. Amy brings up the log house I am wanting to buy.  “Mom, were you serious, we could have a couple acres to build?”  My mind still far away, thinking of him in this moment and what it’d be like to sit with him wherever and watch nature all around us, I quickly drew my attention back to her.  “Yeah, but you have to realize, it’s not always great living so close to your parents.”  Chad came back, “Well, the way I see it is that you can help us, and we can help you.”  As he points to hubby thinking about yard work, and repairs or whatever.  Hubby smiles.  He likes this dream.  “I just want everyone to realize something here.  I am going to publish my book and I am going to become a famous author.  I will travel and speak to help people believe in love again.”  As I finished my confession of faith, I even stopped to wonder where the heck these words came from! I quickly had to let them know I understood how crazy it sounded.  “I know you guys think I’m crazy, but I’m telling you, this is what is going to happen.”  Amy gently said, “Mom, I believe you!”  Chad said, “So, is the book done?  What happens next?”  I’m still trying to catch up with where the heck these words have come from, never-the-less answer any questions!  And then it happened!  I so believe in synchronicity, okay.  I think it comes when we need it the most, and it comes when we least expect it. Almost like God whispers, “You are on the right path.”  The guitar player breaks into the song, “Sunshine, On My Shoulders” originally done by John Denver.  Now, what no one realizes is I chose my pen name, Sunshine, from this song.  I was listening to it one day and it seemed like I could almost see “him”, the “one” so far away singing this song. I wanted to be Sunshine!  So I chose the name to be my pen name!  And here I am, confessing to my family my deepest beliefs on where I am going in life, and my song is suddenly played!  I smiled, and said, “Listen, it’s my theme song!”  Apparently they all know me as Sunshine now.  Amy chuckled. Chad shook his head.  Hubby just ate.  And I listened and I went back into my normal daydream when I hear this song…….of him, singing it to me.  There you go, confessions of a heart that lives a little out of the box!

We all went on with dinner, nothing more said, but was there a minute during this dinner that he wasn’t right there with me?  Yet so far away at the same time.  Will I ever know I wondered to myself as I began to question again how real all of this is. It’s been so long.

After dinner we headed to a little swing set area within this huge state park tucked away in the beauty of a forest where deer are known to visit and walk by.  All so Skylar could run for a time. I swung myself.  Just sitting there in the trees. I felt quiet. So quiet.  As I sat there, I remembered those day dreams when all of this began about 6 years ago, that he would fly into the city and this would be where I’d bring him. And we’d look over the scenery and the beauty of the hills and trees and we’d just be.  Like it always was before, whatever that may mean, because as far as I know, there hasn’t been a before.  So why do I feel this and say it?  

By now it was getting really late.  We had a 2-hour drive home, and had to drop Amy, Chad, and Skylar off at their car about half-way.  Skylar was in the mood to scream most of the way back. Literally scream!  By the time we dropped her off, I was very ready for a little quiet.  I drove home, hubby silent in his own world of which I often wonder what he thinks about or dreams about, and me in my own little world of reason vs. heart. Reliving things said, not said, and wondering if I was a little over the edge.  Things I normally think about as I try so hard to believe in the unbelievable, listening to my heart and the secrets whispered from within.

Now, I finally have quiet time.  Alone on my deck, well other than the new renters who are making full use of the pond doing night fishing and feeling as if they are now permanent members of the KOA or something.  I know anyone who moves out here spends the first few weeks losing sleep because of fishing and outdoor life. I understand.  Still, I have my little quiet haven here.  With my fountain falling, my meditative music playing, and confessing my heart and soul to myself.  This is where I come to find out what it is I believe myself.  Very odd.  How did I get here and where is it taking me?!  Oh yeah!  Places.  It is taking me places.

I have begun working diligently on the book.  I’ve begun to integrate my journals from years gone by with the story of my journey. As I begin this final process, I realize that long before the journey began God kept telling me I was getting ready to have things happen that if He told me what was soon to come I’d never believe.  I’d never believe the places I’d go and what was about to happen.  I remember wondering what it all meant.  Now, more than 10 years later I look and see and realize God was right! I wouldn’t have believed!!!  Those are the feelings I need to tap into because it is the strength that will be gathered to help me believe in those things I know in my heart but can’t be seen right now.  Like really making it one day as an author.  And knowing that all I feel for him, and these dreams of sharing moments with “him” in nature with beauty all around us is for a reason.  And tho there are times I feel something isn’t quite right with him, I also know that  he was brought into my life for some really pretty important reasons.  We were meant to meet, we were meant not to forget, and we were meant to achieve something.  And I know that there is a lot of love and light around it…..I also know that the story is beautiful and there are a lot of people that will begin to believe in things they can’t see either as they read and share the journey I have walked, and I believe he has walked too.

And God is really at the center of it all.  The author and finisher of my faith, and my heart.  Never ever let it be said that I did ANY of this on my own.  No, it was a plan that was written long before I ever knew.  And I smile as I trust those things that can’t be seen.  I am blessed and I will triumph.  After all, God is writing the story in the end.  I trust that Author above all.

As the faith, love, and light lead me on.

Goodnight –

Sunshine

Goodnight Soul Mate:  Do my confessions get a little bit too much for you some days?  Do you know in my heart, I don’t believe so?  At one time I would have been way TOO afraid to share the truth with you, but now, I feel so free to be me.  I think you finally understand so many things you never did.  I keep feeling like you are finally beginning to understand how much you are loved and that everything in your life prior to today is “the past.”  It is. You get to begin anew now.  And love is here, all around you.  Waiting for the hour!  And for me too!!  I also have come to feel that you no longer think it is about the music, because that is the world I don’t want to be a part of, unless you want me there to share your gifts with you.  Okay, so one day, I hope you will sing, “Sunshine” to me!  It’s just my dream. LOL, you probably don’t even like the song!!! Ha ha!!! BUT, for now, it is my theme song, because that is how I so hoped you would feel for me one day; 

“Sunshine on my shoulders, makes me happy.  Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. Sunshine on the water looks so lovely. Sunshine almost always makes me high.

But here I am, way out there on some crazy limb again!!!  The truth is, I have no expectations.  I’m just walking the journey, believing certain things I feel along the way, but above all, praying everyday that love surrounds you in ways you never knew, and yet longed for.  So simple the faith I have when it comes for you.  I can’t see, and I still believe.  But isn’t that what love is?  I send you love and light…….thank you for listening to my heart.  Goodnight – With so much love, Sunshine.